How wrong was I?

[CookieChica]

As someone who has had several close family members pass, I prefer people show up clean. Beyond that, I just want them there.

[Luci45]

Fair enough.  Although I think those places you mention are rare.  I have never worked in a place I couldn't use the washroom to change, although I'm sure there are some that people can't use for that.

Not being able to change at work is no excuse.  OP you could have thought ahead and changed in the rest room of someplace enroute to th funeral home (McDonalds, etc.).  What's done is done, but it's something to keep in mind for next time.

Wait! You would honestly change in a public restroom? Dragging your used and clean clothing on the public floor? Putting your stockinged feet on that floor and putting your shoes back on? And putting the clothing that is off of your body where?

That almost belongs in the grossout thread.

[Outdoor Girl]

Considering I've gone to a visitation for a teammate's father in my baseball uniform after a game (with the rest of the team), you were completely fine.  I've also gone to an afternoon visitation in my work clothes.  I happened to be working in the town where the visitation was so I took my lunch later in the day and ducked in.

I'm sure the family didn't even notice or if they did, they cared more that you were there.

[oceanus]

Fair enough.  Although I think those places you mention are rare.  I have never worked in a place I couldn't use the washroom to change, although I'm sure there are some that people can't use for that.

Not being able to change at work is no excuse.  OP you could have thought ahead and changed in the rest room of someplace enroute to th funeral home (McDonalds, etc.).  What's done is done, but it's something to keep in mind for next time.

Wait! You would honestly change in a public restroom? Dragging your used and clean clothing on the public floor? Putting your stockinged feet on that floor and putting your shoes back on? And putting the clothing that is off of your body where?

That almost belongs in the grossout thread.

Grossout thread?  Really? 

There are these things called paper towels and plastic bags or even newspaper to put on the floor (a forward thinking person might even bring their own along with a bag to put their jeans in when changing to a nice pair of slacks).  Also, not everyone "drags their clothes on the floor" when changing. 

All that aside, doing a quick change in a restroom at work (also public) is not a big problem at most places.  Dragging is optional.  Most people use these things called hooks, which are usually on the back of the stall door.

[Hmmmmm]

Fair enough.  Although I think those places you mention are rare.  I have never worked in a place I couldn't use the washroom to change, although I'm sure there are some that people can't use for that.

Not being able to change at work is no excuse.  OP you could have thought ahead and changed in the rest room of someplace enroute to th funeral home (McDonalds, etc.).  What's done is done, but it's something to keep in mind for next time.

Wait! You would honestly change in a public restroom? Dragging your used and clean clothing on the public floor? Putting your stockinged feet on that floor and putting your shoes back on? And putting the clothing that is off of your body where?

That almost belongs in the grossout thread.

Are you being serous with this post? I can say I have successfully switched out if one pair of pants in a public restroom with out any issues. You slip off your shoes but continue to stand on them. You hang your clean pants on the door hanger. And I really have no idea why you'd need to drag clothing on a floor, whether it is in your home or a public place.

Shoot, if all I have to change is a pair of pants, I can do that discreetly in my car.

[Miss March]

Fair enough.  Although I think those places you mention are rare.  I have never worked in a place I couldn't use the washroom to change, although I'm sure there are some that people can't use for that.

Not being able to change at work is no excuse.  OP you could have thought ahead and changed in the rest room of someplace enroute to th funeral home (McDonalds, etc.).  What's done is done, but it's something to keep in mind for next time.

Wait! You would honestly change in a public restroom? Dragging your used and clean clothing on the public floor? Putting your stockinged feet on that floor and putting your shoes back on? And putting the clothing that is off of your body where?

That almost belongs in the grossout thread.

Wow. Most of the people I work with change in the bathroom before hitting the town. It's extremely common. Clothes are tucked into bags, hung on the hooks, and shoes are carefully slipped on. It's hardly unsanitary.

[LeveeWoman]

I attended a viewing this evening of a close family friend, and since I didn't go home to change, attended it wearing what I wore to work, which was jeans. Nearly everyone was dressed up except for me. I didn't think was of it until a met up with a friend afterwards, who told me nicely that I was inappropriately dressed. I'm guessing since everyone else was dressed up that I made a faux pas, but was it a terrible one? I was truly fond of the deceased, who himself had been a casual guy, and I doubt his family would have been offended, but now I feel self-conscious.

How was that any of her or his business? Shame on her or him for trying to shame you!

[Sharnita]

Half the stalls I go into these days don't have a hook. And I can't say that I generally put pants on or take them off without ever having fabric touch the floor.  As far as stopping at a McDonald's to change, the one's around here have two stalls, three at the most.  It strikes me as kind of rude to take up 1/3 to 1/2 o of the available bathroom space for changing, especially when you aren't even a current customer. Of course, maybe the expert changers among us have mastered spped and take no longer than a regular visitor to the bathroom.  Either way, I know a lot of people who would avoid changing in the bathroom stalls of McDonalds.

[TootsNYC]

I don't think your friend was rude. If he or she hadn't told you, then you might never know that your attire could have led to you being viewed in a negative light. I think friends ARE appropriate when they say, "Oh, you wore your jeans to the visitation? You really should have changed--jeans aren't appropriate for that sort of thing." How else does one learn about the community's norms, when nobody is allowed to say anything.

And I don't consider jeans to be appropriate for anything related to a funeral. Or sneakers.

However, your error was an error of FORM, not of substance or consideration. So don't think about it anymore.

Except to plan ahead for the next such thing.

(for someone in your situation in the future, I bet the funeral-home people would help you find somewhere you could change. The family's paying them enough money, they can help out that way, if you cared to ask)

Otherwise, I hope most workers could say to their boss, "I have to change to go to a funeral--can I use someone's office or the storeroom for just a sec?"

[Sharnita]

Actually, Toots, while I disagree that jeans are de facto inappropriate (and I don't recall a mention of sneakers?) I would say that one could learn through observation.  In fact, it sounds like OP did observe that most other visiters were a bit more dressed up. So the next time this comes up, memory kicks in "Hey, last time I attended everyone was dressed ____________ and then decisions are made."

[Jones]

Around my parts, if the viewing is held outside a church and during the evening (commute) hours, formal attire is only worn by grieving close family. Extended relatives and friends show up clean, but not necessarily in Sunday best. I can't say that either OP or her friend were rude, though I don't think I'd ever tell someone they were inappropriately dressed during a time of grief.

[oceanus]

Half the stalls I go into these days don't have a hook. And I can't say that I generally put pants on or take them off without ever having fabric touch the floor.  As far as stopping at a McDonald's to change, the one's around here have two stalls, three at the most.  It strikes me as kind of rude to take up 1/3 to 1/2 o of the available bathroom space for changing, especially when you aren't even a current customer. Of course, maybe the expert changers among us have mastered spped and take no longer than a regular visitor to the bathroom.  Either way, I know a lot of people who would avoid changing in the bathroom stalls of McDonalds.

McD was just an example (no one was necessarily expecting anyone to lower themselves to walking into a McD restroom); there are many other places (including but not limited to classy hotels, 5 star restaurants, fancy office buildings, airports, etc.) which have restrooms (although I don't know exactly where OP lives or what places were on the way).  I know someone who changed from slacks to jeans in her car in less than 2 minutes, although I don't know if she fits the expert changer definition.

Honestly, I don't see why some are so hung up on the public restroom comment - which is beside the point of the initial post. 

[oceanus]

Fair enough.  Although I think those places you mention are rare.  I have never worked in a place I couldn't use the washroom to change, although I'm sure there are some that people can't use for that.

Not being able to change at work is no excuse.  OP you could have thought ahead and changed in the rest room of someplace enroute to th funeral home (McDonalds, etc.).  What's done is done, but it's something to keep in mind for next time.

Wait! You would honestly change in a public restroom? Dragging your used and clean clothing on the public floor? Putting your stockinged feet on that floor and putting your shoes back on? And putting the clothing that is off of your body where?

That almost belongs in the grossout thread.

Are you being serous with this post? I can say I have successfully switched out if one pair of pants in a public restroom with out any issues. You slip off your shoes but continue to stand on them. You hang your clean pants on the door hanger. And I really have no idea why you'd need to drag clothing on a floor, whether it is in your home or a public place.

Shoot, if all I have to change is a pair of pants, I can do that discreetly in my car.

Exactly.  It's not that big of a deal, for goodness sakes. 

[gramma dishes]

While I basically agree that your friend is correct in that jeans are not usually worn to visitations, and I also don't necessarily think s/he was wrong to offer you that information (depending on wording and tone of voice), I would also say that when my parents died, I wouldn't have cared if someone came to their visitations in their pajamas.  The important thing is that they cared enough to come.

I would hate to think that someone would avoid attending a wake altogether just because they didn't have "appropriate" clothing available or honestly didn't know what "appropriate" clothing was.

Frankly, I doubt that the family even noticed what you wore, but I can assure you that they noticed you were there.

[WillyNilly]

I have been in some rest room stalls that are big enough to change in, and some that have hooks, but I would say the majority of fast food rest rooms are either really, really not clean, and/or very small  and/or very unlikely to have a hook.  Its also not uncommon to have to purchase something in order to get an employee to unlock it for you, so its not free. And that's assuming there is a fast food place along the way from work to the funeral home - and that you know where it is (if the funeral home is in a different neighborhood then you live in for example).

Since you say the friend told you nicely, I'm not going to fault them. You obviously felt they were doing it out of friendship and for future reference. I can see a good friend saying "just so you are aware, jeans aren't normally worn to viewings." 

I agree it would have been better to find away to change into a pair of slacks if possible, but I really doubt the family noticed.

I don't even buy this excuse.  Unless the OP is blind, by that time she would have already seen what other people were wearing and surely would have noticed everyone else was more formal and would then know for next time.


relationship to the departed, and the departed them-self come into play as well.  I went to the wake of a friend's uncle a few years ago (incidentally straight from work, without the opportunity to change due to having to catch a train to get there).  I was dressed appropriately for a normal wake, as were about half the people.  The other half - many family - were wearing jean shorts and Hawaiian shirts.  That had been the departed's favorite outfit, and it turns out it was somewhat of a family joke.  Apparently it hadn't been planned either, people just thought it would be a way to honor him.

I also recently went to the wake of a guy who my husband knew.  The guy was in his late 40's/early 50's, a dad, normal professional job, little league coach etc and plenty of the people there were people who knew him from that part of his life and were dressed in normal wake appropriate attire.  Then there were A LOT of folks in jeans and boots and band t-shirts: the departed had played in a band for 25 years, less often as he got older, but at least a few shows a year in local bars.  His music scene friends came out in t-shirts from his band, or from shows they gone to with him that were meaningful memories of him.  Plenty of his co-workers, and parent friends and neighbors didn't really know his band side and probably thought people were crass, but actually they were honoring him.