Author Topic: How wrong was I?  (Read 6369 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Sharnita

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 21427
Re: How wrong was I?
« Reply #30 on: February 02, 2013, 11:58:52 AM »
And while people dress up for funeral related stuff, many of the people you saw were likely wearing their "work uniform" too.  For them it might happen to be a suit or dress as opposed to jeans.

Bijou

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 12962
Re: How wrong was I?
« Reply #31 on: February 02, 2013, 12:01:08 PM »
I attended a viewing this evening of a close family friend, and since I didn't go home to change, attended it wearing what I wore to work, which was jeans. Nearly everyone was dressed up except for me. I didn't think was of it until a met up with a friend afterwards, who told me nicely that I was inappropriately dressed. I'm guessing since everyone else was dressed up that I made a faux pas, but was it a terrible one? I was truly fond of the deceased, who himself had been a casual guy, and I doubt his family would have been offended, but now I feel self-conscious.
You were just fine.  Your friend was way out of line.  Doesn't she have anything better to do than make you worry about such things when you are already grieving?  What you were wearing doesn't increase or decrease your feelings and you already know in your heart that your deceased friend and his family would rather have you there than rushing home to put on your best dress up outfit.  You count, what you wear doesn't. 
I've never knitted anything I could recognize when it was finished.  Actually, I've never finished anything, much to my family's relief.

Outdoor Girl

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 13765
Re: How wrong was I?
« Reply #32 on: February 02, 2013, 12:01:26 PM »
Only the OP knows what is common for her area.  In my area, jeans to a visitation wouldn't even register as long as they were clean and neat.  For an afternoon visitation, people would wear whatever they were wearing for work that day.  And for a lot of people, that includes jeans or work pants.

Even an evening visitation would often result in people wearing jeans, although the likelihood that more people would dress in 'church' clothes is higher.

OP, you had already noticed that everyone else was more dressed up than you were.  Your friend's comment wasn't necessary.

And you did nothing wrong.  You were there!
I have CDO.  It is like OCD but with the letters in alphabetical order, as they should be.
Ontario

gramma dishes

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 8108
Re: How wrong was I?
« Reply #33 on: February 02, 2013, 12:01:56 PM »
You make a good point, WillyNilly!  Sometimes "appropriate" attire varies according to the personality of the deceased and his or her unique relationship with those who have come to pay their respects.

Bijou

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 12962
Re: How wrong was I?
« Reply #34 on: February 02, 2013, 12:05:40 PM »
Only the OP knows what is common for her area.  In my area, jeans to a visitation wouldn't even register as long as they were clean and neat.  For an afternoon visitation, people would wear whatever they were wearing for work that day.  And for a lot of people, that includes jeans or work pants.

Even an evening visitation would often result in people wearing jeans, although the likelihood that more people would dress in 'church' clothes is higher.

OP, you had already noticed that everyone else was more dressed up than you were.  Your friend's comment wasn't necessary.

And you did nothing wrong.  You were there!
You said it very nicely! 
I've never knitted anything I could recognize when it was finished.  Actually, I've never finished anything, much to my family's relief.

Promise

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 350
Re: How wrong was I?
« Reply #35 on: February 02, 2013, 12:19:12 PM »
What you wear to a viewing depends on the culture of the community. I've lived in different communities where it does matter. One was formal and one was not. One was a mixture. It is up to you to know what to wear, much like a wedding. I don't think your friend was wrong either. If a friend doesn't tell us when we messed up socially, how else are we going to find out? It's not like a stranger said something, it was a friend. I'd be grateful that someone cared to tell me the social norms if I appeared to not know as long as they did it tactfully. I mean, if I went to the bathroom and had toilet paper stuck to my shoe or my skirt tucked into my tights, I'd want someone to tactfully alert me. I don't want to walk around thinking I look just fine when everyone else is talking about my "situation".

Bijou

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 12962
Re: How wrong was I?
« Reply #36 on: February 02, 2013, 01:01:59 PM »
What you wear to a viewing depends on the culture of the community. I've lived in different communities where it does matter. One was formal and one was not. One was a mixture. It is up to you to know what to wear, much like a wedding. I don't think your friend was wrong either. If a friend doesn't tell us when we messed up socially, how else are we going to find out? It's not like a stranger said something, it was a friend. I'd be grateful that someone cared to tell me the social norms if I appeared to not know as long as they did it tactfully. I mean, if I went to the bathroom and had toilet paper stuck to my shoe or my skirt tucked into my tights, I'd want someone to tactfully alert me. I don't want to walk around thinking I look just fine when everyone else is talking about my "situation".
Regardless of whether or not you think the friend had a right to tell the OP about her mode of dress, the underlined part is not in the same category, at all.  Anyone might tell even a stranger if they were dragging TP or had tucked their skirt into their tights.  That is a kindness, not a judgement or opinion.
« Last Edit: February 02, 2013, 01:03:50 PM by Bijou »
I've never knitted anything I could recognize when it was finished.  Actually, I've never finished anything, much to my family's relief.

sparksals

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 17351
Re: How wrong was I?
« Reply #37 on: February 02, 2013, 01:11:48 PM »
I think this is one of those cases where your friend was even ruder than you inadvertently were.

Perhaps you could have changed before the viewing, but I don't think that was a huge infraction. And, it was inadvertent. But your friend shouldn't have said anything to you later. What was the point? Shaming you? Warning you to dress up for other viewings in the future? Her admonishment was intentional and unnecessary.

I tend to dwell on things like this and get mad at myself. Forgive yourself. At least you went to the viewing to pay your respects. That was the most important thing.

I don't think the friend was rude at all.  The OP stated she gently told her that the jeans were inappropriate.  If a friend can't be honest with you, who can?

I would want a close friend to tell me if I had toilet paper on my shoes, my skirt tucked into my nylons or if I was dressed inappropriately.

sparksals

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 17351
Re: How wrong was I?
« Reply #38 on: February 02, 2013, 01:13:54 PM »
Fair enough.  Although I think those places you mention are rare.  I have never worked in a place I couldn't use the washroom to change, although I'm sure there are some that people can't use for that.

Not being able to change at work is no excuse.  OP you could have thought ahead and changed in the rest room of someplace enroute to th funeral home (McDonalds, etc.).  What's done is done, but it's something to keep in mind for next time.

I have to agree with Hmmm and Ocean here.  Unless the visitation was sprung on the OP and she did not know before going to work in the AM, I think this is an issue of poor planning.   Not a huge faux pas, but one not to repeat in the future. 


mich3554

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1286
Re: How wrong was I?
« Reply #39 on: February 02, 2013, 01:23:43 PM »
Every viewing I have ever gone to has been rather formal.  The one I went to after work, I dressed for the viewing that day, not work (where I could wear jeans and sneaks).

Another FYI.....I have gone into hotels to ask to change there and many times they have been very compliant.  One time, I asked if there was a room that I could borrow to fix my pants.  On the way to the airport, I lost the button on them.  The hotel loaned me a room so I could take my pants off and sew the button back on so I didn't have to travel with pants falling off.


BarensMom

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2633
Re: How wrong was I?
« Reply #40 on: February 02, 2013, 03:34:27 PM »
While I think it's a "know the culture" situation in attire, a visitation isn't a funeral.  If I didn't have time/place to change, I would wear my work clothes to the visitation, but I would dress in the a.m. if I knew I would be going to a funeral. 

Story time:  When I worked at Evil Oil Company, one of my co-workers committed suicide.  In the chaos of dealing with police, HR, etc., no one thought to order the flowers for the funeral in time for delivery to the church.  It fell to me to drive a company van, pick up the wreath, and take it to the church.  I wasn't planning on attending the funeral myself, as I didn't know him very well, so dressed for a normal day of moving file boxes.  Someone discovered that I was doing the flower delivery and people started asking me to drive them.  Once there, these people had no way to get back, so I had every intention of waiting in the van until the service was concluded.  This "wasn't acceptable" so, yes, I attended a full-on Funeral Mass in blue jeans and a work shirt. 

yokozbornak

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1222
Re: How wrong was I?
« Reply #41 on: February 02, 2013, 04:31:53 PM »
OP, when my dad passed away people showed up in all kinds of clothes from suits to jeans.  I appreciated people being their to honor him and for taking the time to pay their respects.  The kindness of them coming meant more to me than what they chose to wear. While it may have been optimal to have dressed a bit more formally,  I am sure the deceased's family would rather have you there paying respects to their loved one than not being able to come at all because you didn't have more formal clothing with you.

Fleur

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 442
Re: How wrong was I?
« Reply #42 on: February 02, 2013, 04:42:36 PM »


Add me to the people that think you were fine, OP. I also think that your friend was a bit rude, though I'm sure that s/he didn't mean badly. I think that it is important that you showed up to support the family. I am usually quite a stickler for formal dress, say for parties and weddings, but then usually has more time to prepare for those, plus I feel that it is less crucial that people attend a wedding than a funeral/visitation.

Jaelle

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1499
Re: How wrong was I?
« Reply #43 on: February 02, 2013, 05:13:58 PM »
I think these things are, to some extent, situational.

Was your friend at the viewing too? Or she just offer the observation unsolicited after you met up and you told her where you'd gone? If the former, was she related to the deceased, or a good friend?

If the latter ... well, how does she know what the family or the deceased would want or what they'd care about?  ???

I know if this were my family, my relatives would be appalled at the temerity of someone who said that to a friend who did us the honor of showing up to honor our loved one. Be clean, wear clothes in good repair. Beyond that, just be there.

Then again, it's family culture to be casual. Someone dressed very formally would probably even be out of place. (But still highly appreciated for their presence, of course.) Anyone close enough to come to a viewing for a family member would certainly know that.
“She was already learning that if you ignore the rules people will, half the time, quietly rewrite them so that they don't apply to you.”
― Terry Pratchett, Equal Rites

Roe

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6452
Re: How wrong was I?
« Reply #44 on: February 02, 2013, 05:51:01 PM »
Only the OP knows what is common for her area.  In my area, jeans to a visitation wouldn't even register as long as they were clean and neat.  For an afternoon visitation, people would wear whatever they were wearing for work that day.  And for a lot of people, that includes jeans or work pants.

Even an evening visitation would often result in people wearing jeans, although the likelihood that more people would dress in 'church' clothes is higher.

OP, you had already noticed that everyone else was more dressed up than you were.  Your friend's comment wasn't necessary.

And you did nothing wrong.  You were there!
You said it very nicely!

Yep.  And a judgemental person at a visitation/funeral is a huge pet-peeve.  I'm sure that's the last thing you needed.