How wrong was I?

[finecabernet]

OP here. Yes it was poor planning. I thought if I wore nicer jeans with a jacket and decent shoes, it would be okay, but when I got there I was self-conscious. My friend (who I met up with afterwards) was just being helpful, and I didn't think of her as rude at all. Personally if I had been a family member, I wouldn't care in the slightest at all what anyone wore, but I'm more casual than most (I'm the family member on Christmas Eve who wears jeans and a hoodie while everyone is dressed up for dinner). And no one there said anything or glanced at me twice for my clothes (so this is just my own conscience speaking!).

[SamiHami]

The friend may have meant well but she absolutely was rude. Just because she happens to have a particular opinion does not mean that she gets to appoint herself as the clothing police. It is not her place tell other adults how they  should or should not dress for any sort of event unless she is the hostess.

 Some other posters have questioned how the OP would learn if the friend didn't tell her she was wrong for dressing the way she had. To that I say what makes the friend right in the OP wrong? Just because the friend has a particular opinion on the matter does not mean that the friend is automatically correct. All that means is that the friend likes to tell other people what to do.

[Bijou]

OP here. Yes it was poor planning. I thought if I wore nicer jeans with a jacket and decent shoes, it would be okay, but when I got there I was self-conscious. My friend (who I met up with afterwards) was just being helpful, and I didn't think of her as rude at all. Personally if I had been a family member, I wouldn't care in the slightest at all what anyone wore, but I'm more casual than most (I'm the family member on Christmas Eve who wears jeans and a hoodie while everyone is dressed up for dinner). And no one there said anything or glanced at me twice for my clothes (so this is just my own conscience speaking!).

I am beginning to wonder:  Did you ask your friend for her opinion about what you wore and whether or not you were dressed too casually?  If you asked and her response was just in answer to your question, then perhaps she can be given a pass on the rudeness aspect.

[Hmmmmm]

The friend may have meant well but she absolutely was rude. Just because she happens to have a particular opinion does not mean that she gets to appoint herself as the clothing police. It is not her place tell other adults how they  should or should not dress for any sort of event unless she is the hostess.

 Some other posters have questioned how the OP would learn if the friend didn't tell her she was wrong for dressing the way she had. To that I say what makes the friend right in the OP wrong? Just because the friend has a particular opinion on the matter does not mean that the friend is automatically correct. All that means is that the friend likes to tell other people what to do.

What makes the friend right and the OP wrong is that the OP even noticed she wasn't dressed as the other people attending the wake were dressed.  I think every one has acknowledged that in some locales wearing jeans would be fine. But it does seem based on how others were dressed and her friends statement, jeans are not standard for wakes in her community.

I know in some communities people like to see denim pants on the same level as other pants, such as khakis. But I don't live in one of those communities.

[LifeOnPluto]

There are jeans, and then there are jeans.

The OP's outfit sounds like it was up the "smarter" end of the jeans scale. So therefore, I don't think she was terribly wrong for wearing them to a viewing. Yes, a formal suit would have been ideal, but really, a nice pair of jeans, top and jacket isn't horrendously rude (to me anyway).

As for her friend, if: (a) she wasn't at the viewing and didn't know the deceased; and (b) offered her opinion to the OP unasked, then I do think she was rude.

[kareng57]

Viewings aren't common where I live - but to my understanding, where they're fairly routine, they're usually in late afternoon-early evening hours and it's pretty mainstream for people to attend on their way home from work.  And not everyone easily has facilities to change from work clothes.

Naturally close family/friends quite likely took the day off work anyway and could wear more formal attire.  I would think that they'd be happy that people would take the time to be there no matter what.

There's not a washroom at most places of employment?

Of course there is, you obviously know that, and I find this question quite inflammatory.  However, many people have to take public transit to and from work.  It could be pretty difficult for a guy (or girl) who wears work-shirts, jeans, and steel-toed boots to take along a dress-suit, shirt and dress shoes - with him/her on the bus or train.

Perhaps you think that in that case they had better not attend at all.  Your opinion of course, but if I'd have had had a viewing for my Dh I would have been terribly pleased to see anyone and would likely not even noticed what he/she had worn.

[kareng57]

Only the OP knows what is common for her area.  In my area, jeans to a visitation wouldn't even register as long as they were clean and neat.  For an afternoon visitation, people would wear whatever they were wearing for work that day.  And for a lot of people, that includes jeans or work pants.

Even an evening visitation would often result in people wearing jeans, although the likelihood that more people would dress in 'church' clothes is higher.

OP, you had already noticed that everyone else was more dressed up than you were.  Your friend's comment wasn't necessary.

And you did nothing wrong.  You were there!

You said it very nicely!

Yep.  And a judgemental person at a visitation/funeral is a huge pet-peeve.  I'm sure that's the last thing you needed.

Yes, as I said previously, viewings aren't common in my area.  Open-casket funerals are not either - usually, services are memorial services where cremation has taken place previously.

So, I'm honestly not clear as to whether or not viewings command a different set of attire versus funerals/memorials.

For my Dh's memorial service - quite a number of my sons' friends wore jeans or khakis.  Even my own sons didn't wear suits - they did wear casual pants with nice shirts and ties.  There is absolutely no way that I kept any kind of mental check-list of the young people (or older people, for that matter) who didn't wear formal attire.  I was simply so pleased to have people attend.

[Winterlight]

Only the OP knows what is common for her area.  In my area, jeans to a visitation wouldn't even register as long as they were clean and neat.  For an afternoon visitation, people would wear whatever they were wearing for work that day.  And for a lot of people, that includes jeans or work pants.

Even an evening visitation would often result in people wearing jeans, although the likelihood that more people would dress in 'church' clothes is higher.

OP, you had already noticed that everyone else was more dressed up than you were.  Your friend's comment wasn't necessary.

And you did nothing wrong.  You were there!

Agreed. In this case, showing up was the important part. Your jeans weren't distracting.

[HappilyInsane]

I would almost bet, if you asked your deceased friend's family if what you wore was inappropriate, they would tell you they didn't even notice. They were too busy grieving. What they would have noticed was that you showed up to pay your respects.

[Scuba_Dog]

I would almost bet, if you asked your deceased friend's family if what you wore was inappropriate, they would tell you they didn't even notice. They were too busy grieving. What they would have noticed was that you showed up to pay your respects.

I agree with this 100%.

You didn't do anything wrong. 

Condolances for the loss of your friend.

[Iris]

Unless you asked or raised the topic yourself I think your friend was rude. My general rule of thumb for the mention/don't mention line is whether or not it can be changed. So if you were at home preparing to go to the viewing then yes, she could bring it up. If you were meeting her before the viewing and too far from home to change then no, don't bring it up. After the event? What's the point? If you (general) care enough about that kind of thing then you will have already noticed (as the OP in fact had) and if you don't care then you don't care and mentioning it won't change that.

[lkdrymom]

I just attended my cousin's wife's funeral in December.  A close friend of her mother in law was also there and this was the actual church service. She couldn't stay for the graveside service as she had to go to work.....so she was dressed in jeans which is her work attire.  And for what it is worth, she isn't a younster....she is 90.

[Giggity]

While I basically agree that your friend is correct in that jeans are not usually worn to visitations, and I also don't necessarily think s/he was wrong to offer you that information (depending on wording and tone of voice), I would also say that when my parents died, I wouldn't have cared if someone came to their visitations in their pajamas.  The important thing is that they cared enough to come.

Pajamas?

I would think VERY poorly of someone who didn't even bother to put on outdoor clothes to come to my parent's visitation.

[gramma dishes]

While I basically agree that your friend is correct in that jeans are not usually worn to visitations, and I also don't necessarily think s/he was wrong to offer you that information (depending on wording and tone of voice), I would also say that when my parents died, I wouldn't have cared if someone came to their visitations in their pajamas.  The important thing is that they cared enough to come.

Pajamas?

I would think VERY poorly of someone who didn't even bother to put on outdoor clothes to come to my parent's visitation.

Hyperbole.

[Giggity]

Sorry, I couldn't tell.