How long after moving out can you ask for items back?

[JenJay]

Can I ask those of you advocating for giving the ex the items (or half of them) why? I'm genuinely curious.

If I'm understanding the OP - the ex gave away the boy's clothing as he outgrew it and then left the other items behind when she moved out. Three years have gone by and she never expressed any interest in the stuff. Meanwhile, as the boy has outgrown things, OP and her husband have been tossing what couldn't be reused and storing what could. Now the ex wants the stuff not for sentimental reasons, but because she figures it's there and it used to belong to her so why shouldn't she get it instead of having to replace it? OP and her DH had intended to use it for their own future child and they've been the ones who've stored it these past years. Why is the ex entitled to any of it? I understand the ex asking but if OP and her DH want to keep whatever is in their attic why shouldn't they?

I agree that they should offer her anything they definitely don't want, but I personally would not be willing to dig it out, move it somewhere more accessible (garage, spare room, etc.) and take it to her at her convenience or hold it for her. She'd be welcome to come over and get it out of the attic herself.

[Perfect Circle]

I just think it's petty not to give her items unless the OP's partner has use for them. I don't believe in holding into things just to be difficult. I also don't think the OP needs to go the attic today or tomorrow, but I see no reason to lie or just to say no.

[Sharnita]

I don't know that wanting it for practical reasons as opposed to sentimental make the  request less valid. And it certainly makes some sense to use them for a present child as opposed to holding them for a potential child. Furthermore, as I mentioned, some of the items might have been gifts from her family and friends. Resisting because "it would be like giving her money" does come off as a bit petty.

[laceandbits]

Not sure why everyone is talking about you moving as your question was how long after her 'moving out' can she still decide that things are hers. 

Surely at the point when they divorced it was agreed who had what as far as their joint property is concerned, so unless DH agreed to store the stuff for her, it is his now not theirs (as in their 'joint property').  If this is the case she can only have it if neither of you want it and are prepared to give it to her in the same way as you might to any pregnant friend.  She has no more right to it than any other 3rd party just because it was hers "when they were married".   Of course, if he was storing it she should now arrange for it ALL to be collected in one go.

I had experience of this when I moved in with my now DH, three years after he was divorced.  Even after I was here his ex was still using every chance she could to get into the house when his 19 yr old daughter was here (and we were out) to "collect things I forgot to take".  OK they were only stupid things like a bun tin, or a carving fork, but it was really frustrating to be searching for something and DD to say oh Mum took it as it was hers.  Fortunately I saw the funny side of it but DH was really mad about her disrespect and words were said.... 

But what if your DH's ex suddenly decided she wanted something else from your home other than baby things?  Would you even be in this dilemma.  Probably not because it would be easy to say no.

In this case, as the stuff from the previous marriage that she didn't take is now the property of DH, it is up to him to decide if he wants to make the effort to go into the attic to at least look at it and decide if it is feasible for you to pass it on to her next week when you see her.  If not, it is up to him to say to her why not. 

The other thing I don't quite agree with are the comments from people asking why you would want to use the same baby things she did.  What I really don't understand is why she would want to.  She is now not with DH or the child who used those things, why would she want to stir up all the unhappiness from that time in her life.

I agree with the others though that having a child in the house is not a reason or excuse for avoiding this.  You don't both need to go up there, so you look after DS and DH goes to look.  If there are things he wants to pass on, you and DS can make a game of receiving the stuff at the bottom of the ladder. 

[Sharnita]

While she is not her child's primary guardian I did not get the idea she has cut ties or has bad memories of her child.

[lynnetteleigh]

If she asked for just items that were gifts that wouldn't be as much of an issue. It's just that the request was for a specific few items AND anything else we could find. I may not have as much of an immediate need for them but we were planning on starting to have children within the year. So some of the stuff would be used. Just not as soon as if we gave it to her. Also her pregnancy is in the very early stages right now. So we aren't withholding items that achild could be using in a month or so.

I think if she mentioned splitting it I wouldn't even be asking this question. It was just the assumption that we would give her everything and that my family would throw me a baby shower and replace all those items.

I think going up when its convenient for us to get the few requested items is fine and there isn't an immediate need for the items so she can wait. But I do see this as being a continuing thing after she gets those items. Like in a month she asks "could you also check for this and that". So I guess when we do go up we need to take an inventory and decide then what we are willing to split with her.

But my initial reaction was similar to what JenJay expressed. This feels like we were just being used as an unpaid storage center. This scenario is involving a lot of items that may have sentimental feelings behind them but I'm not sure why the mother wins out in the sentimental battle? I know DH has sentimental feelings associated with some items from his son's younger days. I'm wondering what the response would be if this was about an appliance that she had left behind and felt a need for later? Would we be petty for keeping it after 3 years?

[mich3554]

Can I ask those of you advocating for giving the ex the items (or half of them) why? I'm genuinely curious.

Why not?  They do not belong to the OP, she has no need for them, the ex does have a need for them, they were given to the ex for the birth of her son.  They are taking up space in the OP's attic, which she has said that they are trying to clear out to sell the house.

I also suspect that if the OP has a child, she will want to choose her own supplies when/if the time arises.

Other than the hassle of retrieving the items from the attic, then why be petty about it?  There is presumably some sort of relationship between the ex and the OP's DH and there will continue to be as they have a child together.  Why make it more difficult than it has to be?

[JenJay]

If she asked for just items that were gifts that wouldn't be as much of an issue. It's just that the request was for a specific few items AND anything else we could find. I may not have as much of an immediate need for them but we were planning on starting to have children within the year. So some of the stuff would be used. Just not as soon as if we gave it to her. Also her pregnancy is in the very early stages right now. So we aren't withholding items that achild could be using in a month or so.

I think if she mentioned splitting it I wouldn't even be asking this question. It was just the assumption that we would give her everything and that my family would throw me a baby shower and replace all those items.

I think going up when its convenient for us to get the few requested items is fine and there isn't an immediate need for the items so she can wait. But I do see this as being a continuing thing after she gets those items. Like in a month she asks "could you also check for this and that". So I guess when we do go up we need to take an inventory and decide then what we are willing to split with her.

But my initial reaction was similar to what JenJay expressed. This feels like we were just being used as an unpaid storage center. This scenario is involving a lot of items that may have sentimental feelings behind them but I'm not sure why the mother wins out in the sentimental battle? I know DH has sentimental feelings associated with some items from his son's younger days. I'm wondering what the response would be if this was about an appliance that she had left behind and felt a need for later? Would we be petty for keeping it after 3 years?

I would tell her "It's too cold up there right now. We will go up this spring and see what we still have and get back to you. We did get rid of quite a bit as DS outgrew it, so I can't say for sure that the things you're asking for are still here, but we'll check."

This spring I'd move the baby stuff to its own area, separate what I wanted to keep from what I was willing to give her, and email her a list of what she could have and a couple of dates when it would be convenient for me for her to come pick it up. I wouldn't let her go up and take what she pleased and I wouldn't bring anything to her (unless that's easier for you than having here come to your home).

[JenJay]

Can I ask those of you advocating for giving the ex the items (or half of them) why? I'm genuinely curious.

Why not?  They do not belong to the OP, she has no need for them, the ex does have a need for them, they were given to the ex for the birth of her son.  They are taking up space in the OP's attic, which she has said that they are trying to clear out to sell the house.

I also suspect that if the OP has a child, she will want to choose her own supplies when/if the time arises.

Other than the hassle of retrieving the items from the attic, then why be petty about it?  There is presumably some sort of relationship between the ex and the OP's DH and there will continue to be as they have a child together.  Why make it more difficult than it has to be?

I think the bolded is where I'm seeing it differently. I think the items do belong to OP (and her husband) and she has said she will have need of them within a year or two. I agree that they should give the ex the things they are unlikely to reuse but personally I'd keep the rest.

[WillyNilly]

Can I ask those of you advocating for giving the ex the items (or half of them) why? I'm genuinely curious.

Why not?  They do not belong to the OP but they do belong to the OP's husband, she has no need for them right now, but hopefully will within a year or two, just like the ex has no need for them right now but rather in several months, the ex does have a need for them in the future, they were given to the ex and the OP's DH for the birth of her their son.  They are taking up space in the OP's attic which is equally the OP's DH's attic, which she has said that they are trying to clear out to sell the house.

I also suspect that if the OP has a child, she will want to choose her own supplies when/if the time arises. Does the father have no say?  These items are sentimental to him too, as they are his first child's items.

Other than the hassle of retrieving the items from the attic, then why be petty about it?  There is presumably some sort of relationship between the ex and the OP's DH and there will continue to be as they have a child together.  Why make it more difficult than it has to be?

It was easier to comment in red above...

[TurtleDove]

I see this as something between the DH and the ex. I think the OP should stay out of it. I also think the ex seems like no prize but the OP is coming across as petty.

[LeveeWoman]

I see this as something between the DH and the ex. I think the OP should stay out of it. I also think the ex seems like no prize but the OP is coming across as petty.

What's petty about not wanting to go up into the attic and grab a bunch of stuff and then deliver it within the week? What's petty about not liking to be told that her FOO could replace all of the baby items?

But we agree that this is between her husband and his ex-wife.

[Girly]

I think I would either just tell her no, or tell her when it warms up, and is more convenient for you, you'll go up in the attic and check and see if there is anything to give her.

When I say 'anything to give her', I mean if you see something in the collection that you don't want, put it aside, and the next time you see her, just hand it over.

To me, it's really not a big deal that she asked, though HOW she asked was pretty tacky.

I really wouldn't put much thought into it, and certainly wouldn't lose sleep over it. I think to hold items 'just because' - be it because you didn't like how she asked, or you don't think she deserves it - is rather petty, and just not an overall nice thing to do.

[yokozbornak]

If I were in the OP's shoes, I would not like to be called and told to someone's bidding epecially in my own home.  To me, this comes across as more of a power play ("I still control things in the house you live in") and less about the actual things themselves.  If I were you, I would not play into it at all.  I would be frank (or better yet make my husband have the conversation) and say, "We are not sure of which baby items are actually left in the attic, and neither of us are willing to go up there in the dead of winter to look. We can't help you with this."

You can be nice without being a pushover. If you do what she asks even when the request is ridiculous, you are setting a bad precedent.  I think being firm and establishing boundaries is the best way to handle the relationship. The bonus is that you don't feel resentful and used.

[Amara]

Can I ask those of you advocating for giving the ex the items (or half of them) why? I'm genuinely curious.

I see it as a kind of win-win situation where the OP and her husband take the high road. Unless they--more he than she--wants them or some of them, I think it would show a lot of class to let the ex-wife have them. The practical effect is that they won't have to think about them, but I like to think of the gesture as gracious.

That said, having read about the attic--I have never had one--I agree then that telling the ex-wife you will do it when the weather warms up is best for everyone. Then do it. This situation has the potential of creating a lot of goodwill in a three-way relationship that will continue to exist because of the child.