How long after moving out can you ask for items back?

[TurtleDove]

What's petty about not wanting to go up into the attic and grab a bunch of stuff and then deliver it within the week? What's petty about not liking to be told that her FOO could replace all of the baby items?

What comes across as petty to me is the general tone and comments about not wanting to help out the ex or give her things that would be like giving her money.  Unless I have missed something, the ex is still a part of her sons life and will continue to be in the stepsons (and the OP's) lives for many more years.  From what the OP has written, even she cannot fully articulate why she doesn't want to give the items to the ex aside from a vague "I don't like her, I didn't like how she asked, she's not even close to her son, we don't want to help her out."  I get that the OP doesn't like the ex.  The problem is that the OP is making her life and that of her stepsons far more difficult than it needs to be by harboring resentment toward the stepson's mother.

As Amava and others pointed out, the OP has an opportunity here to create good will and smooth over a situation she cannot change (the fact that the ex is the stepsons mother).  As I said before, I think the very fact that the OP seems to be making the decisions when it comes to relations with the ex is an etiquette faux pas. If I were the ex, I would be irritated by that and would think the OP is grossly overstepping.

I think the best way to handle this is for the DH to handle all relations with the ex and the OP to stay out of it.  The OP can silently seethe if she must but publicly be gracious to the ex and take the high road. The way I see it, everyone wins that way and drama is kept to a minimum.  Is the ex "entitled" to the things she demands?  Who knows. The happiest solution seems to be to give them to her unless the DH (note I said the DH) sees the need to keep them for some reason.

[MariaE]

Can I ask those of you advocating for giving the ex the items (or half of them) why? I'm genuinely curious.

I see it as a kind of win-win situation where the OP and her husband take the high road. Unless they--more he than she--wants them or some of them, I think it would show a lot of class to let the ex-wife have them. The practical effect is that they won't have to think about them, but I like to think of the gesture as gracious.

That said, having read about the attic--I have never had one--I agree then that telling the ex-wife you will do it when the weather warms up is best for everyone. Then do it. This situation has the potential of creating a lot of goodwill in a three-way relationship that will continue to exist because of the child.

I agree with this completely.

[Sophia]

... they were given to the ex for the birth of her son.  ...

I find that offensive.  The idea that gifts for a baby or child are really gifts to the mother.  Maybe some fathers don't participate in caring/raising their children even while in the same home.  But, the fact that he now has primary custody speaks volumes that this isn't the case. 

[TurtleDove]

... they were given to the ex for the birth of her son.  ...

I find that offensive.  The idea that gifts for a baby or child are really gifts to the mother.  Maybe some fathers don't participate in caring/raising their children even while in the same home.  But, the fact that he now has primary custody speaks volumes that this isn't the case.

I didn't read it that way at all, but rather that the gifts were NOT given to the OP but instead to the DH and the ex.  This is exactly why I think the OP should completely stay out of it. Let her DH make the decisions when it comes to the ex and the stepson. 

[Hmmmmm]

The comment about your DH not wanting to give her the items because he see it as giving her money was something I was curious about. Basically, your Ex believes that anything left in there marital home after the desolution of the marriage became his property. There is nothing wrong with this perception if there is nothing to contradict it. Therefore I thinkhe is in his right to tell her there aren't items in the home that he wants to send to her.  You really have no dog in this fight.

[citadelle]

The best thing I ever did for my daughter, who is now 18, was do my best to accommodate and get along with her stepmom. It would be great if your husband's ex would take that approach with you. I hope you will consider doing so with her.

[LadyR]

For the people telling the OP to stay out of it and let her husband handle it, I imagine she is posting for the both of them. Generally spouses work as a team, so I think those comments are unfair. The OP has also mentioned that it is her DH who is relunctnat to give the items.

I think the fact that the ex has demanded all the baby items back, after several years, and her attitude that the OP's family can just be expected to buy her all new items would grate on me. OP has stated that if the ex had approached her reasonably about asking for some of the items, they'd have been more willing to work something else, but she demanded all of them. I also think the argument that the ex has sentimental rightto them is ridiculous, because the OP's DH has equal right and they have been in his possession all this time.

I don't think the OP and her husband should be obligated to go out of their way to get the items and deliver them to the ex, either. Tough I'd advise sitting down with her and going "when we have time we can look for [specific item], but we are not comfortable giving you all the baby items as we would like to keep some for when we have children."

[Erich L-ster]

I think that if she will pay for shipping or pick up the items herself, that you or husband should dig them out of the attic for her to get them.

I wouldn't say you're obligated to drive them to her or pay for shipping.

[blarg314]

My understanding of what she wants you to do

- The two of you go up into your mid-winter freezing cold attic and spend hours rooting through it looking for baby gear of any sort.

- Find babysitting during this, because it takes two people to root through the attic.

- Haul the stuff down, clean it off, pack it in your car and drive several hundred miles to her place to give it to her.  Drive back.

- The items are stuff that you will be using in the next few years, but she want them because she expects your family to buy you all new stuff when you have kids yourself.

- She has not volunteered to pick up the items, pay shipping, or at any point offered to store the stuff herself.

I think what I would do is offer to bring one or two items when you go there, but that you won't be rooting through the attic until it's much warmer in there. But not every single baby item you've got, and not immediately.

[Magnet]

"I told my DH to just say that most of the stuff is gone because we have been trying to clear out the house to sell. Is it rude to lie like this?"

Yes, it is rude to lie, and it is morally not cool. 

[Mental Magpie]

For the people telling the OP to stay out of it and let her husband handle it, I imagine she is posting for the both of them. Generally spouses work as a team, so I think those comments are unfair. The OP has also mentioned that it is her DH who is relunctnat to give the items.

I think the fact that the ex has demanded all the baby items back, after several years, and her attitude that the OP's family can just be expected to buy her all new items would grate on me. OP has stated that if the ex had approached her reasonably about asking for some of the items, they'd have been more willing to work something else, but she demanded all of them. I also think the argument that the ex has sentimental rightto them is ridiculous, because the OP's DH has equal right and they have been in his possession all this time.

I don't think the OP and her husband should be obligated to go out of their way to get the items and deliver them to the ex, either. Tough I'd advise sitting down with her and going "when we have time we can look for [specific item], but we are not comfortable giving you all the baby items as we would like to keep some for when we have children."

This except for explaining to Ex why you'll be keeping things.  She doesn't need to know.

I, personally, would not be giving her a thing, not after 3 years and not after the way she handled it.  It is completely SS to say, "Give me what you have because your family can just buy you stuff later!".  If it was that important to Ex, she wouldn't have left it for 3 years.  I also don't see giving stuff to Ex as smoothing things over, I see it as starting the pattern that she can demand what she wants and get it.  Boundaries need to be set; why not start now?

[Scuba_Dog]

For the sake of current and future peace in the relationship, I'd get the things out and send them off to her.

[Mental Magpie]

For the sake of current and future peace in the relationship, I'd get the things out and send them off to her.

Where does it end, though?  This route just seems like the beginning of Ex constantly demanding things that she left in the house 3 years ago and getting them or throwing a hissy fit because she doesn't.  "Here, Ex, let me bend over backwards for you just to smooth things over even though you're a demanding, special snowflake of a person!"  I don't think giving in to her demands is a good idea at all.

[Scuba_Dog]

For the sake of current and future peace in the relationship, I'd get the things out and send them off to her.

Where does it end, though?  This route just seems like the beginning of Ex constantly demanding things that she left in the house 3 years ago and getting them or throwing a hissy fit because she doesn't.  "Here, Ex, let me bend over backwards for you just to smooth things over even though you're a demanding, special snowflake of a person!"  I don't think giving in to her demands is a good idea at all.

I think if you are willing do to some things it's easier for all to understand when you won't do other things - if that makes any sense.  These relationships can be so difficult that I find it's best to try and give as much as you can.  That way, when you are unable to comply to a request, there is no suspicion that it's for any other reason than what you give.

Hindsight really is 20/20, which is why when I see a situation like this, my advice usually leans toward doing whatever is necessary to keep peace and harmony between everyone.  It just makes things so much nicer and so much easier on the kids.

I can look back at my relationship with my husbands ex and see plenty of oppurtunities where I could have made decisions that would have made the relationships between all of us more pleasant. For the most part, things were ok, but they could have been better.  Looking back, I can see that I could have done more to make the situation a happier one for the kids involved.

Just my opinion from my own life experience.   

[Mental Magpie]

For the sake of current and future peace in the relationship, I'd get the things out and send them off to her.

Where does it end, though?  This route just seems like the beginning of Ex constantly demanding things that she left in the house 3 years ago and getting them or throwing a hissy fit because she doesn't.  "Here, Ex, let me bend over backwards for you just to smooth things over even though you're a demanding, special snowflake of a person!"  I don't think giving in to her demands is a good idea at all.

I think if you are willing do to some things it's easier for all to understand when you won't do other things - if that makes any sense.  These relationships can be so difficult that I find it's best to try and give as much as you can.  That way, when you are unable to comply to a request, there is no suspicion that it's for any other reason than what you give.

Hindsight really is 20/20, which is why when I see a situation like this, my advice usually leans toward doing whatever is necessary to keep peace and harmony between everyone.  It just makes things so much nicer and so much easier on the kids.

I can look back at my relationship with my husbands ex and see plenty of oppurtunities where I could have made decisions that would have made the relationships between all of us more pleasant. For the most part, things were ok, but they could have been better.  Looking back, I can see that I could have done more to make the situation a happier one for the kids involved.

Just my opinion from my own life experience.

It does actually make sense, and now that you said that, I need more information from the OP.  I was under the assumption that the Ex was kind of like this about a lot of things, otherwise the OP would be more willing to work with her.  That, however, was a completely baseless assumption.

OP, is Ex usually like this?  Is she usually not very involved or is she generally an OK person to be around?