Author Topic: How long after moving out can you ask for items back?  (Read 9660 times)

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Danika

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Re: How long after moving out can you ask for items back?
« Reply #75 on: February 03, 2013, 05:12:04 PM »
She doesn't pay child support, she's wanting you and your husband to give her things that will cost you to replace them and she's wanting you to spend a long time, as well as the cost of gas, to bring them to her.

I'd stop the gravy-train right now, and refuse.

I agree.

Poppea

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Re: How long after moving out can you ask for items back?
« Reply #76 on: February 03, 2013, 05:32:06 PM »
If she had the nerve to ask you to give her clothing that you purchased for your stepson, in order to give it to HER nephew, she will continue to ask/demand anything.


If you reverse the situation:  A divorced and remarried woman is told by her deadbeat dad of an ex husband that she needs to pony up the baby swing, highchair, etc that was used by his son when he was a baby because his new partner is having a baby I think you'd be getting a unanimous "NO!".  I think that the negative posters are assuming sentimentality and attachment towards the baby stuff.  But she doesn't seem to have that much attachment to the actual child. 

If you decide to give her anything, get it from the attic and put it in the garage.  You are not a delivery service and if she wants the stuff that badly she can come and get it. 

Poppea

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Re: How long after moving out can you ask for items back?
« Reply #77 on: February 03, 2013, 05:33:37 PM »
If she had the nerve to demand that you give her clothing that you purchased for your stepson, in order to give it to HER nephew, she will continue to ask/demand anything.


If you reverse the situation:  A divorced and remarried woman is told by her deadbeat dad of an ex husband that she needs to pony up the baby swing, highchair, etc that was used by his son when he was a baby because his new partner is having a baby I think you'd be getting a unanimous "NO!".  I think that the negative posters are assuming sentimentality and attachment towards the baby stuff.  But she doesn't seem to have that much attachment to the actual child. 

If you decide to give her anything, get it from the attic and put it in the garage.  You are not a delivery service and if she wants the stuff that badly she can come and get it.

CharlieBraun

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Re: How long after moving out can you ask for items back?
« Reply #78 on: February 03, 2013, 05:40:31 PM »
If she had the nerve to ask you to give her clothing that you purchased for your stepson, in order to give it to HER nephew, she will continue to ask/demand anything.


If you reverse the situation:  A divorced and remarried woman is told by her deadbeat dad of an ex husband that she needs to pony up the baby swing, highchair, etc that was used by his son when he was a baby because his new partner is having a baby I think you'd be getting a unanimous "NO!".  I think that the negative posters are assuming sentimentality and attachment towards the baby stuff.  But she doesn't seem to have that much attachment to the actual child. 

If you decide to give her anything, get it from the attic and put it in the garage.  You are not a delivery service and if she wants the stuff that badly she can come and get it.

I bolded the sentence that I found most accurate and most heartrending of all.
"We ate the pies."

TurtleDove

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Re: How long after moving out can you ask for items back?
« Reply #79 on: February 03, 2013, 06:44:25 PM »
My advice to have the DH handle it and to just give her the stuff (or whatever DH doesn't want) has nothing to do with thinking the ex is reasonable, attached to the items, or entitled to them in any way. It has everything to do with making a relationship that cannot be severed because of the child as smooth as possible. I think the OP's involvement as opposed to the DH handling it would be a poor choice and I think choosing peace is best here.

Mental Magpie

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Re: How long after moving out can you ask for items back?
« Reply #80 on: February 03, 2013, 07:06:20 PM »
My advice to have the DH handle it and to just give her the stuff (or whatever DH doesn't want) has nothing to do with thinking the ex is reasonable, attached to the items, or entitled to them in any way. It has everything to do with making a relationship that cannot be severed because of the child as smooth as possible. I think the OP's involvement as opposed to the DH handling it would be a poor choice and I think choosing peace is best here.

This has given me a bit of insight.  You are suggesting peace now and hoping it will mean peace in the future.  I am suggesting to not give in now because I don't think peace now will mean peace later; I think peace now means more demands later, things that will be harder to give to keep the peace, which will result in the OP and her DH being doormats.
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

TurtleDove

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Re: How long after moving out can you ask for items back?
« Reply #81 on: February 03, 2013, 07:26:12 PM »
I am not suggesting being a doormat. I am suggesting choosing your battles and giving in when you don't "have" to to make a difficult relationship less dramatic.

Mental Magpie

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Re: How long after moving out can you ask for items back?
« Reply #82 on: February 03, 2013, 07:29:50 PM »
I am not suggesting being a doormat. I am suggesting choosing your battles and giving in when you don't "have" to to make a difficult relationship less dramatic.

I don't see where I said you were suggesting to be a doormat?  I said that's what I see happening if the OP and her DH were to give in to keep the peace now.  You obviously don't see it that way as you think (from what I'm gathering from your posts) that keeping the peace now will also help to keep the peace in the future (ie the ex won't keep demanding things).
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

JenJay

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Re: How long after moving out can you ask for items back?
« Reply #83 on: February 03, 2013, 07:46:25 PM »
My advice to have the DH handle it and to just give her the stuff (or whatever DH doesn't want) has nothing to do with thinking the ex is reasonable, attached to the items, or entitled to them in any way. It has everything to do with making a relationship that cannot be severed because of the child as smooth as possible. I think the OP's involvement as opposed to the DH handling it would be a poor choice and I think choosing peace is best here.

This has given me a bit of insight.  You are suggesting peace now and hoping it will mean peace in the future.  I am suggesting to not give in now because I don't think peace now will mean peace later; I think peace now means more demands later, things that will be harder to give to keep the peace, which will result in the OP and her DH being doormats.

I agree. It sounds like OP and her DH already do what they can to facilitate a good relationship with the ex for the child's sake. I don't think handing over whatever household items she decides to demand is a good idea.

lynnetteleigh

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Re: How long after moving out can you ask for items back?
« Reply #84 on: February 03, 2013, 07:47:28 PM »
If she had the nerve to ask you to give her clothing that you purchased for your stepson, in order to give it to HER nephew, she will continue to ask/demand anything.


If you reverse the situation:  A divorced and remarried woman is told by her deadbeat dad of an ex husband that she needs to pony up the baby swing, highchair, etc that was used by his son when he was a baby because his new partner is having a baby I think you'd be getting a unanimous "NO!".  I think that the negative posters are assuming sentimentality and attachment towards the baby stuff.  But she doesn't seem to have that much attachment to the actual child. 

If you decide to give her anything, get it from the attic and put it in the garage.  You are not a delivery service and if she wants the stuff that badly she can come and get it.

I bolded the sentence that I found most accurate and most heartrending of all.

In her defense I know she does love her child very much. She does want to spend time with him and has said the lack of phone calls is because it makes her miss him more. I personally just don't have much sympathy for her. She does want everything to be convenient for her. Things like lack of calls may be tough for her but it is also damaging their relationship in the long run. My view is it's hard for me to raise another person's kid but I do it because I love him and it's not his fault he was put in this situation. She just doesn't see that yet. I'm not sure if this new child will help her make that realization or not.

*fixed a sentence
« Last Edit: February 03, 2013, 08:04:30 PM by lynnetteleigh »

TurtleDove

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Re: How long after moving out can you ask for items back?
« Reply #85 on: February 03, 2013, 07:51:01 PM »
I don't think the OP can control the ex's behavior. I don't think giving in now will make the ex reasonable in the future. I think giving up on thinking poorly of the ex or not wanting to help the mother of the stepson would allow the OP to live a less dramatic life. For me, I would prefer to know I'm "right" but take the high road and let it go and let it be no big deal. I would choose controlling what I can, which is my behavior. I would be cheerful and gracious while knowing I don't have to be, because it is the best thing to do for family harmony for the stepson.

LeveeWoman

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Re: How long after moving out can you ask for items back?
« Reply #86 on: February 03, 2013, 07:58:15 PM »
If she had the nerve to ask you to give her clothing that you purchased for your stepson, in order to give it to HER nephew, she will continue to ask/demand anything.


If you reverse the situation:  A divorced and remarried woman is told by her deadbeat dad of an ex husband that she needs to pony up the baby swing, highchair, etc that was used by his son when he was a baby because his new partner is having a baby I think you'd be getting a unanimous "NO!".  I think that the negative posters are assuming sentimentality and attachment towards the baby stuff.  But she doesn't seem to have that much attachment to the actual child. 

If you decide to give her anything, get it from the attic and put it in the garage.  You are not a delivery service and if she wants the stuff that badly she can come and get it.

I bolded the sentence that I found most accurate and most heartrending of all.

In her defense I know she does love her child very much. She does want to spend time with him and has said the lack of phone calls is due is because it makes her miss him more. I personally just don't have much sympathy for her. She does want everything to be convenient for her. Things like lack of calls may be tough for her but it is also damaging their relationship in the long run. My view is it's hard for me to raise another person's kid but I do it because I love him and it's not his fault he was put in this situation. She just doesn't see that yet. I'm not sure if this new child will help her make that realization or not.

Wow. She seems to be great at looking out for herself.

lynnetteleigh

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Re: How long after moving out can you ask for items back?
« Reply #87 on: February 03, 2013, 08:03:30 PM »
My advice to have the DH handle it and to just give her the stuff (or whatever DH doesn't want) has nothing to do with thinking the ex is reasonable, attached to the items, or entitled to them in any way. It has everything to do with making a relationship that cannot be severed because of the child as smooth as possible. I think the OP's involvement as opposed to the DH handling it would be a poor choice and I think choosing peace is best here.

This has given me a bit of insight.  You are suggesting peace now and hoping it will mean peace in the future.  I am suggesting to not give in now because I don't think peace now will mean peace later; I think peace now means more demands later, things that will be harder to give to keep the peace, which will result in the OP and her DH being doormats.

I agree. It sounds like OP and her DH already do what they can to facilitate a good relationship with the ex for the child's sake. I don't think handing over whatever household items she decides to demand is a good idea.

In this case I can see how the ex may have a claim to these items(in my opinion a very tiny claim). And she asked 3 specific items and 2 of them she mentioned were gifts from her mother. So I do think to keep the relationship good in this case we have to at the very minimum give her the gift items to not start a war.

There have been no's to requests in the past where she has demanded things that weren't hers to claim(requests to come stay at the house, requesting pickup/dropoff times she knew would not work for us). This situation does suck though because it does make us feel that all that we do will never be enough for her.

JenJay

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Re: How long after moving out can you ask for items back?
« Reply #88 on: February 03, 2013, 08:19:09 PM »
My advice to have the DH handle it and to just give her the stuff (or whatever DH doesn't want) has nothing to do with thinking the ex is reasonable, attached to the items, or entitled to them in any way. It has everything to do with making a relationship that cannot be severed because of the child as smooth as possible. I think the OP's involvement as opposed to the DH handling it would be a poor choice and I think choosing peace is best here.

This has given me a bit of insight.  You are suggesting peace now and hoping it will mean peace in the future.  I am suggesting to not give in now because I don't think peace now will mean peace later; I think peace now means more demands later, things that will be harder to give to keep the peace, which will result in the OP and her DH being doormats.

I agree. It sounds like OP and her DH already do what they can to facilitate a good relationship with the ex for the child's sake. I don't think handing over whatever household items she decides to demand is a good idea.

In this case I can see how the ex may have a claim to these items(in my opinion a very tiny claim). And she asked 3 specific items and 2 of them she mentioned were gifts from her mother. So I do think to keep the relationship good in this case we have to at the very minimum give her the gift items to not start a war.

There have been no's to requests in the past where she has demanded things that weren't hers to claim(requests to come stay at the house, requesting pickup/dropoff times she knew would not work for us). This situation does suck though because it does make us feel that all that we do will never be enough for her.

And you're probably right, whatever you do likely won't ever be enough for her. The thing is, you can see to it that there is a balance so that you feel you are doing something but not being taken advantage of. I think giving her the couple of things you are comfortable with is a good compromise. Try not to think of it as "We have to give her what she wants to avoid a war." but rather "We do most of the giving in this give-and-take but DSS is worth it." And DO continue to set boundaries because it won't do your relationship any good to start feeling resentful, either.  :-\

I can tell you this - I grew up in a situation very much like your DS's and I am eternally grateful to my parents (Dad and Step-Mom) that they were careful to allow me to have whatever kind of relationship with my Mom that I could. Sometimes it ended up being none but I always knew that her due to her choices and not theirs. After I was an adult my step-mom confessed to me that at times it had been extremely difficult to be cordial to my mom but she was glad she and my dad had been determined because my brother and I were worth it. That said, my mom never tried to come back and stake any claim on household goods. I don't imagine that would have gone over well at all. Kudos to you and your DH for trying!!

miranova

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Re: How long after moving out can you ask for items back?
« Reply #89 on: February 03, 2013, 09:12:53 PM »
My advice to have the DH handle it and to just give her the stuff (or whatever DH doesn't want) has nothing to do with thinking the ex is reasonable, attached to the items, or entitled to them in any way. It has everything to do with making a relationship that cannot be severed because of the child as smooth as possible. I think the OP's involvement as opposed to the DH handling it would be a poor choice and I think choosing peace is best here.

This has given me a bit of insight.  You are suggesting peace now and hoping it will mean peace in the future.  I am suggesting to not give in now because I don't think peace now will mean peace later; I think peace now means more demands later, things that will be harder to give to keep the peace, which will result in the OP and her DH being doormats.

I agree. It sounds like OP and her DH already do what they can to facilitate a good relationship with the ex for the child's sake. I don't think handing over whatever household items she decides to demand is a good idea.

In this case I can see how the ex may have a claim to these items(in my opinion a very tiny claim). And she asked 3 specific items and 2 of them she mentioned were gifts from her mother. So I do think to keep the relationship good in this case we have to at the very minimum give her the gift items to not start a war.

There have been no's to requests in the past where she has demanded things that weren't hers to claim(requests to come stay at the house, requesting pickup/dropoff times she knew would not work for us). This situation does suck though because it does make us feel that all that we do will never be enough for her.

Wow, the bolded is a no brainer.  I can't believe your Dh would even think about not giving these to her.  Sorry but that would just be all kinds of wrong.  This is not about child support.  That is a seperate issue and I actually think you should go after her for child support!  But keeping items her mother gave her (or considering keeping them because she's not a good enough mother) is just not right.