Being polite when saying no to grandchild vacation

[LilacGirl1983]

This kind of simular to the other post about the child's winter activities but a bit different. My IL wanted to take dd up to a cabin 3 hours away for a full week during the summer time to spend time with "all" of their grandchildren. I told them maybe but if we did it probably won't be for a full week (dd is 4 and 1/2 will be 5 at the time) They keep bring up oh how I will want it once the new baby is born and will be glad for the down time. I kept saying maybe but not for the full time. Well we just found out that the Kindergarten we wanted her to get into (it was lottery) she was accepted but this school has odd calender. It starts the last week of July and ends in the first week of June..so she wll not be able to go. When I let them know that her school schedule they got really quiet and upset she wasn't going. They even brought up she miss a week of school to go and I told them no she is not missing school.

Now the question..was there a better way of handling it? What should I say when its brought up again? I offered her to go up the weekend..Friday after school to Sunday. We could meet them 1/2 way..still a long drive though..Her school is an all day school from 9am-3:30pm so she would miss a lot of info if she missed a full week.

[MrTango]

I think you were fine.  You told them that it wasn't possible, and even offered alternatives.

[Hmmmmm]

N, I don't think there is a better way. I wouldn't want my child to miss a full week of K at the beginning of the year. 

But I would also wish she could have the time with her cousins so I'd probably drive her up on Thursday after school but that's just me.

[Luci45]

The first week of kindergarden is one of the most important times of a child's life! It sets the stage for the rest of the year, starts good habits of attending school and later work, gives the child respect for her obligations, and orients her into the particular school, class, and teacher.  She should start out with the idea that school is fun! and important! The child will get a lot more out of that first week of school than too much time with grandparents and cousins, especially since she can go for part of the time. I am appalled that any responsible adult would suggest the child start off with the attitude of blowing off something like that. But, you already said no. (You hit a real hot button with me on the grandparent's suggesting skipping school.)

You just need to keep saying no, and now that you have explained it all to them, quit justifying.

Good luck!

(And best wishes with the new little one on his way, and hope your daughter loves school!)

[JenJay]

There was really no other way you could have handled it. It sounds like they were quite insistent and, in situations like that, the only way to make yourself heard is to be very firm. I think it's really generous of you to offer to make a 90 minute drive to get her there for a long weekend!

[LizC]

It's not rude to make an educational decision for your child, and stick to it, even if others are disappointed. Going down for a long weekend seems like a really good option.

(Our attitudes about school times vs travel are different, but only you can determine what you prefer for your child, so my (or other people's) preferences don't really factor in, do they? )

[SPuck]

You handled the situation fine. If anyone is getting toasted by the flames of etiquette hell, it is your IL's because they keep bringing it up after you said no and when you gave them a perfectly reasonable explanation of why she can't go. Just be be firm, say no, drop the subject if the bring it up, and don't feel bad.

I'm kind of confused about the program though. Is this some kind of pre-summer program or a summer camp?

[Sharnita]

You didn't say no to the trip, the school calendar did.  You were  willing to allow an abridged version until you became aware of her new school obligations.

[GSNW]

Echoing the others - you are 100% in the clear.  Imagine your poor DD showing up to K after everyone else knows the rules, routines, expectations.  That would be traumatic enough!!!

[doodlemor]

Your IL's seem very pushy and entitled, and I am saying that from a grandparent's perspective.

When my children were that little I would never have let them go so far without us for so long.  Just say no to these people when you don't feel comfortable with their ideas.

[Daffydilly]

If they start pushing, I'd simply say, "No, this topic is not open for discussion." They have no right to override your educational decisions for your daughter. There is no need to revisit a decision that has been made.

[Tiamet]

I agree with the PPs who say you have nothing to apologise for.  There is no way a child should miss one of the first weeks at a new school (my response might be different later in the year).   Even if I didn't feel this, this is a parenting decision and once made, it should be final.

Also, I don't have any children but is sending children away as soon as a new baby comes into the house (which is what the grandparents seem to be suggesting as a positive thing) really a good idea?  Wouldn't it lead to the older child feeling replaced and pushed out?

[LilacGirl1983]

SPuck: This school has alternative scheduling so the school year starts the last week of July and goes through the year until the first week of the next June. It also goes 45 days on (minus weekends) and 15 days off..offers all day Kindergarten..and very hard to get into..its determined by lottery if your name gets drawn you get in if not you re apply for the following year and hope to get in.

Tiamet: I agree with you. We will be keeping her home as much as possible. I know the first 2 weeks we will have her in 1/2 day daycare so I can recover but other then that we intend to keep her home besides the odd off day trips with the grandparents..

I think part of the problem is that they are used to me saying yes most the time to when they want her..usually once a week and occasionally over night..and have pushed to have more over nighters..Which I have said no to..I just wanted some ideas to say to them if they push again for having her miss a full week of school. What if they move it to June-ish when she could go but we wouldn't want her to go especially for that long of a time..a weekend I am ok with not a full week away from us. If she was older I would be ok with it but she is only 4 and half..soon 5..

[magician5]

Do not ever be drawn into justifying your parenting decisions. You might be careful to be polite: "I wish that would work, but it's simply not possible. Thank you for such a kind offer." But the answer is still "nope".

[squeakers]

You do not have to give in to what the grandparents want but do keep in mind that some kids do enjoy spending that much time away "on vacation", so to speak, with their grandparents.

My oldest started out staying the night before he was a year old (combi fed then went all bottle) the other 2 not until they were 2 (breastfed until then).  They have went for week-ends and week long trips with their grandparents.  But I trusted my in-laws a great deal. 

I have nieces and nephews that used to spend the whole summer with my other sister from the time they were born practically up until she took custody of them.

Same sister would take my boys for the week-end during the school year so I could have some one on one time with my newborn(s). It gave the older boys a chance to not be around a "stinky baby" while also bragging to their cousins about said baby LOL

Kids are resilient and although this latest request won't work out scheduling wise .. you may want to reconsider it in the future.