Being polite when saying no to grandchild vacation

[weeblewobble]

Someone mentioned precedents above and I would like to add my POD.

I wouldn't want the inlaws to think it's OK for them to tell you when/how to direct DD's education for their convenience.  I'm not saying this is a sinister plot to control her schooling, but telling them now that NO, school is more important that voluntary plans (vacation) could prevent demands in later years in which they want to pull her out of school for vacations, family reunions, sporting trips, etc.  If you say yes once, you will have difficulty enforcing a no later. 

The fact that they're not hearing your no and telling you what you'll want when the baby comes is a little disturbing to me. They may not realize it, but they're coming off as bulldozing controlling louts.

ETA: Vacating DD from your house right after the baby is born also may disrupt your family bonding.  The books we read about bringing a second baby home all stated that the older sibling should be made to feel like they are integral part of the family unit and the baby's homecoming.  They are to feel useful, loved and very grown-up.  Heck, we read that it was a bad idea to let the older sibling walk into the hospital room to meet the new baby and see the mom holding the new baby because it would make the older feel displaced. (Not sure if that one's right.  It just so happened that when my beloved MIL brought DD to the hospital, my dad was holding the baby.)

But what kind of message would it send to your DD that as soon as the baby is born, she gets sent off to the grandparents? 

[artk2002]

Very good points, weeblewobble!

[GrammarNerd]

I have two questions (tried to post before but then my computer ate my post...ugh!): 1) what does your DH think of this; what are his feelings? 2) you mentioned that they wanted to have 'all' of the grandchildren with them for the week.  How many is 'all', and how old are they?

My personal experience is clouding this a bit, but I don't think I would have sent my 5 year old off to the GP's house (or vacation house) unless it was going to be just the kid and the GPs.  In my case, my ILs knew the other grandchildren better, and would cater to them more.  Unconsciously.  So I was always afraid of my kiddo(s) being 'handled' as the other kids were, instead of for themselves, if that makes sense.

And honestly, how much quality time can the grandparents spend with the grandkids if they're all there at the same time, for a week? During a whole week, they'd fall into the role of caretaker, so it wouldn't be all fun and games.  There would still be dishes, cooking, laundry, messes to clean up, etc.   

And how do all of the kids get along?  How would they plan to manage it when the inevitable "I don't feel like doing that" comes from one child, where everyone else is ready to do something?  Can grandma and grandpa keep up with that many kids for an entire week?  Face it...grandma and grandpa haven't actively parented several younger children for any length of time in a LOT of years. (And I say 'parented' because that's essentially what they're proposing to do for the week.)

In reading about this grand plan of theirs, it just seems more like they want the bragging rights of being able to say that they took all of their grandkids to a cabin for a week.  "Yes, Marge, it was wonderful!  We had ALL of the grandchildren there!"  "Oh, Jane, you are just such a lucky woman to have all of your grandchildren around you like that!  I envy you so much!"

And actually, since you're having a baby, that would mean that ALL of the grandchildren won't be there anyway, right?

[TootsNYC]

Perhaps it's time to start saying no to the inlaws more often. If they are used to having their way every time they ask for her, it could create an unhealthy dynamic. Plus lilacgirl is growing up and will need to enjoy time with her parents more when she's off from school.

I did have to warn my MIL and FIL that as the kids' ages and schedules changed, they would have less time with them.

Once my kids got into middle school, their homework load went up, they had friends and after-school or weekend-night activities. My MIL had a bit of a hard time adjusting--I had to keep reminding her. She adjusted--but it was clear that it was hard for her. I didn't worry about her feelings, though--those were HER problem, not mine. I didn't do anything ot her.

As for "all the kids together," my own experience is coloring this for me, and I would see it as a GOOD thing.

My mother had "Grandma Camp," for which her MAIN goal was not for the kids to spend time with Grandma and Grandpa, but for all the cousins to spend time with ONE ANOTHER. It really should have been called "Cousins Camp."

I would see that gathering at the cabin to be something very, very valuable, and I'd be asking Grandma and Grandpa to consider moving it to a different week to see if something could be worked out.

But I would also see the first week of Kgarten as crucial.

In reading about this grand plan of theirs, it just seems more like they want the bragging rights of being able to say that they took all of their grandkids to a cabin for a week.  "Yes, Marge, it was wonderful!  We had ALL of the grandchildren there!"  "Oh, Jane, you are just such a lucky woman to have all of your grandchildren around you like that!  I envy you so much!"

WOW! That is one hell of an interesting assumption!

There is NO way any of us have evidence that warrants this sort of negative judgment about the grandparents.

[wonderfullyanonymous]

Being the odd man out here, and aside from the fact that you don't want her to miss her first week of kindergarten, why don't you want her to spend a week with her grandparents?

I can understand you not wanting her to miss school, that is a definite not going to happen.

My oldest started spending the weekend with my in-laws when she was 2. As she got older, the time spent with grandma increased.  When DD brothers came around, she would take them too. During the summer, she would keep them for a few weeks on end. My kids loved this time with her. My mother in law, was great with the kids, and once told me that if they were in trouble at home, and were grounded from doing something, to let her know, and she would carry out the punishment with her. I told her that wasn't necessary, as this was their free time also, but to feel free to punish as needed also, on her end.

[Deetee]

In reading about this grand plan of theirs, it just seems more like they want the bragging rights of being able to say that they took all of their grandkids to a cabin for a week.  "Yes, Marge, it was wonderful!  We had ALL of the grandchildren there!"  "Oh, Jane, you are just such a lucky woman to have all of your grandchildren around you like that!  I envy you so much!"

WOW! That is one hell of an interesting assumption!

There is NO way any of us have evidence that warrants this sort of negative judgment about the grandparents.

I agree. A grandparent can be easily be pushy and overenthusiastic without any peculiar or unworthy motives.

There are plenty of good reasons for a parent to decide what is best for their kid without ascribing unpleasant motives to other people.

[blarg314]

I don't think the grandparents and grandkids week is necessarily a bad idea, depending on whether the grandparents can cope with all the grandkids at once. It could be an enormous amount of fun for the kids, and a great chance for family bonding.

But the age of the OP's kid is a tricky one for that. Some 5 year olds would happily go and have a fantastic time. Others would be miserable and miss their parents. Still others would be happy, but their grandparents wouldn't be up to watching them for a week (my nephew at that age springs to mind - strong willed, stubborn, really active, and not inclined to listen to or follow instructions).

Plus, throw in a new baby and starting school, and it might be one too many new experiences in a short time.

But all of that is a moot point - her school starts, and missing the first week of kindergarten is a bad idea. She'll miss the orientation and settling in and explanations of routines and so on. Plus, it will leave a poor first impression for the teacher (skipping the first week of a new school for a vacation).

[auntmeegs]

Where are people getting that this is the first week of school?

[squeakers]

Where are people getting that this is the first week of school?

OP mentioned it in the first post. 

[Deetee]

Where are people getting that this is the first week of school?

OP mentioned it in the first post.

I just reread her first post and I don't see it stated outright. I see that other people posted in the third post and the op didn't contradict that.

Even if it isn't my answer doesn't change. Parents get to decide.

[ladyknight1]

My DS is the only grandchild on either side, but we have had issues with both sets of grandparents wanting more time with DS than they could reasonably accommodate. DS did have overnights with his grandparents beginning at age 4, but those were few and far between. He did not stay with either set of grandparents more than a few minutes away from us until he was 8.

My in-laws are frequently pushy and unreasonable. I would find later that they had called DH because I said no, and we had to put together a battle plan.

OP, I think you are making the right choice for your family.

[squeakers]

Where are people getting that this is the first week of school?

OP mentioned it in the first post.

I just reread her first post and I don't see it stated outright. I see that other people posted in the third post and the op didn't contradict that.

Even if it isn't my answer doesn't change. Parents get to decide.

You are correct .. we just all assumed the grandparents wanted the vacation to start at the same time as the first week of school.  OP just said that the grandparents wanted her during the summer and then said school starts during the beginning of summer.

Which, while the parents do get to decide, does make me lean even more toward letting her go. All depending on how the DD does away from the parents, how many other kids will be there, how well the kids get along and if the grandparents can be trusted/can handle that many kids at one time.  Missing a week of kindergarten (not a first week.. but a regular week) won't hurt in the long run and the memories made will last a lifetime.

[SPuck]

Missing school isn't the issue here. It is the grandparents who are repeatedly asking for the sleep over, and the OP is saying no. Whether they are nefarious boundary stompers or overly excited does not matter. In the end of the day it is rude to keep asking for something after the request is denied. The OP should stand firm in her decision, and maybe be more decisive if they ask again. A simple "This matter is no longer up for discussion" should do it.

[Venus193]

Missing school isn't the issue here. It is the grandparents who are repeatedly asking for the sleep over, and the OP is saying no. Whether they are nefarious boundary stompers or overly excited does not matter. In the end of the day it is rude to keep asking for something after the request is denied. The OP should stand firm in her decision, and maybe be more decisive if they ask again. A simple "This matter is no longer up for discussion" should do it.

This.

[Deetee]

Which, while the parents do get to decide, does make me lean even more toward letting her go. All depending on how the DD does away from the parents, how many other kids will be there, how well the kids get along and if the grandparents can be trusted/can handle that many kids at one time.  Missing a week of kindergarten (not a first week.. but a regular week) won't hurt in the long run and the memories made will last a lifetime.

Personally, I would totally let my kid do this trip/visit over a random week of school. But that's my kid. I simply wouldn't make (or voice my opionion on) that decision for someone else's kid.

(If someone were wondering and asked me, I would cheerfully voice my opionion on my own pet theories on education and intelligence and school and learning and travelling. But different people have different priorities and I find I interact very well with parents of different parenting styles by legitimately respecting those opinion. For example, in Canada you can get schooling in English or French. People have different views on whether an English speaking kid should go to French immersion as it can confuse them versus it can enrich them. In my circle of friends, there are kids that go to both)