Being polite when saying no to grandchild vacation

[LeveeWoman]

Being the odd man out here, and aside from the fact that you don't want her to miss her first week of kindergarten, why don't you want her to spend a week with her grandparents?

I can understand you not wanting her to miss school, that is a definite not going to happen.

My oldest started spending the weekend with my in-laws when she was 2. As she got older, the time spent with grandma increased.  When DD brothers came around, she would take them too. During the summer, she would keep them for a few weeks on end. My kids loved this time with her. My mother in law, was great with the kids, and once told me that if they were in trouble at home, and were grounded from doing something, to let her know, and she would carry out the punishment with her. I told her that wasn't necessary, as this was their free time also, but to feel free to punish as needed also, on her end.

From LilacGirl's No. 12:

SPuck: This school has alternative scheduling so the school year starts the last week of July and goes through the year until the first week of the next June. It also goes 45 days on (minus weekends) and 15 days off..offers all day Kindergarten..and very hard to get into..its determined by lottery if your name gets drawn you get in if not you re apply for the following year and hope to get in.

Tiamet: I agree with you. We will be keeping her home as much as possible. I know the first 2 weeks we will have her in 1/2 day daycare so I can recover but other then that we intend to keep her home besides the odd off day trips with the grandparents..

I think part of the problem is that they are used to me saying yes most the time to when they want her..usually once a week and occasionally over night..and have pushed to have more over nighters..Which I have said no to..I just wanted some ideas to say to them if they push again for having her miss a full week of school. What if they move it to June-ish when she could go but we wouldn't want her to go especially for that long of a time..a weekend I am ok with not a full week away from us. If she was older I would be ok with it but she is only 4 and half..soon 5..

[gramma dishes]

If I was the OP the part that would concern me would be taking all their grandkids to a cabin for a week. How many grandkids? and how old are they? Depending on the answer to that this could be one big nightmare.

That was my concern too.  We have five (ages 2-10) and we love them to pieces, but we honestly wouldn't want to have them ALL  at once with no additional adults around.  That's a HUGE responsibility.

I also agree with the several posters who have mentioned that it would be almost cruel to send your DD away - anywhere - so soon after the birth of her baby sister or brother.  They need time to bond to each other just as parents do.

Later in the year she could miss a few days of Kindergarten (she will anyway because of sickness, etc.), but I would strongly recommend that she get "settled" there for at least a few weeks before she misses intentionally.  She needs the same start as all her classmates and she is likely to feel left out of she comes in after they all know the teacher's personality, the "rules", and each other and have formed friendships.

So just say "No, DD is not going to be able to join you this time."

[anonymousmac]

I offered her to go up the weekend..Friday after school to Sunday. We could meet them 1/2 way..still a long drive though.

For those who are emphasizing how important it is for children to spend time with their grandparents, I just wanted to point out that the OP is offering to bring her daughter for a long weekend at the cabin with the grandparents and cousins, just not the entire week.  It sounds to me like the daughter has lots of opportunity to spend time with the grandparents throughout the year, and part of this trip as well, and the only thing the OP is objecting to is taking her out of school for that week.

OP, good luck in standing your ground politely.  You're in charge, and you're not telling them anything terrible, just that they'll see her for 2-3 days during that trip instead of 7 days.  That should make it easier for you to hold firm without justifying or feeling guilty.

[Lynn2000]

In reading about this grand plan of theirs, it just seems more like they want the bragging rights of being able to say that they took all of their grandkids to a cabin for a week.  "Yes, Marge, it was wonderful!  We had ALL of the grandchildren there!"  "Oh, Jane, you are just such a lucky woman to have all of your grandchildren around you like that!  I envy you so much!"

WOW! That is one hell of an interesting assumption!

There is NO way any of us have evidence that warrants this sort of negative judgment about the grandparents.

I have to admit this assumption about the grandparents occurred to me, too. It is uncharitable. But, in my experience, when I have had people tell me they want "all my grandkids" or "all my cousins" or "all my co-workers" to be present at something, it's not because they want me personally, as an individual, but because they want to have everyone in the group together at the same time, to all be treated the same way. Like Grandma saying she wants all her children and grandchildren to come to someone's wedding, so they can have a family picture taken there--it's more about the appropriate warm body being there for the photo, with little to no concern about whether that individual can or wants to attend the event. I have heard people have, or repeat, the exact conversation GrammarNerd imagines. Again, that is just my (unfortunate) experience.

If DD has plenty of other opportunity to see her grandparents, and the cousins who would also be at this gathering, I don't know why the grandparents would be so pushy/disappointed that she couldn't attend this particular gathering, unless they were placing disproportionate emphasis on the "all" part.

Anyway, the OP has offered to bring her DD to the gathering for a long weekend--did the grandparents accept that offer or not? That should be perfectly sufficient to fulfill their wishes of having "all" the grandchildren there at the same time, for two or three days.

If it were my child, I would also be concerned about just the grandparents, with no other adults, looking after all the grandchildren. I would want to know (well, I suppose I would know) how many kids that would be, what the spread of ages was, if any of them had special needs, general health/competence of the grandparents, etc..

[onyonryngs]

I think that you have a lot of relationship issues when dealing with your inlaws.  I'm not sure any of them have to deal with etiquette as they just seem to be questions on how to interact normally with family members.  I think it would be a great help to find someone you can talk with to help you find a way to better interact with those around you.  It really does not sound like your inlaws are bad people.

[LeveeWoman]

I think that you have a lot of relationship issues when dealing with your inlaws.  I'm not sure any of them have to deal with etiquette as they just seem to be questions on how to interact normally with family members.   I think it would be a great help to find someone you can talk with to help you find a way to better interact with those around you.  It really does not sound like your inlaws are bad people.

Your bolded sentence is what this folder is all about: how to interact with the family in a polite manner. Lilacgirl's in-laws might not be "bad people", but as I--and others--in this thread have said, they seem quite pushy.

Many members of this forum need help dealing with our families. Surely you would not advise all of us to find someone with whom we can talk about our strategies to avoid getting into a rude interaction.

[gramma dishes]

I think that you have a lot of relationship issues when dealing with your inlaws.  I'm not sure any of them have to deal with etiquette as they just seem to be questions on how to interact normally with family members.  I think it would be a great help to find someone you can talk with to help you find a way to better interact with those around you.  It really does not sound like your inlaws are bad people.

Your post is puzzling to me.

I don't think the OP has any more issues with dealing with her in-laws than many of us have (or have had) from time to time.

Yes, they ARE about etiquette, because we like to handle these personal issues as tactfully as possible to make things better and or avoid making them worse.

She HAS found "someone" she can talk with to help her by either suggesting new strategies or by supporting those she's already implementing. 

That "someone" is us! 

[BusyBee]

Plus, throw in a new baby and starting school, and it might be one too many new experiences in a short time.

This is an excellent point.  The start of school is an easy and more than enough explanation for not sending her on this vacation.  However I hesitate to leave it at that - what if they want to reschedule everyone for early July, and hope to obligate you to let DD attend.
With her new school and new baby, it's just not a good time for the added stress of a week-long event.  As much as she loves and enjoys her grandparents and cousins, I agree with you that it's too much.

[onyonryngs]

I think that you have a lot of relationship issues when dealing with your inlaws.  I'm not sure any of them have to deal with etiquette as they just seem to be questions on how to interact normally with family members.  I think it would be a great help to find someone you can talk with to help you find a way to better interact with those around you.  It really does not sound like your inlaws are bad people.

Your post is puzzling to me.

I don't think the OP has any more issues with dealing with her in-laws than many of us have (or have had) from time to time.

Yes, they ARE about etiquette, because we like to handle these personal issues as tactfully as possible to make things better and or avoid making them worse.

She HAS found "someone" she can talk with to help her by either suggesting new strategies or by supporting those she's already implementing. 

That "someone" is us!

Continued issues relating to family members crosses out of etiquette boundaries. 

[gramma dishes]

I think that you have a lot of relationship issues when dealing with your inlaws.  I'm not sure any of them have to deal with etiquette as they just seem to be questions on how to interact normally with family members.  I think it would be a great help to find someone you can talk with to help you find a way to better interact with those around you.  It really does not sound like your inlaws are bad people.

Your post is puzzling to me.

I don't think the OP has any more issues with dealing with her in-laws than many of us have (or have had) from time to time.

Yes, they ARE about etiquette, because we like to handle these personal issues as tactfully as possible to make things better and or avoid making them worse.

She HAS found "someone" she can talk with to help her by either suggesting new strategies or by supporting those she's already implementing. 

That "someone" is us!

Continued issues relating to family members crosses out of etiquette boundaries.

I feel that my family deserves to be treated with tact, diplomacy, thoughtfulness and consideration more than - or certainly at least as much as - coworkers, friends, neighbors or strangers.  I would presume that most of us feel that way about our families.  Just because we are genetically or maritally related doesn't mean we just throw etiquette out the window.

If other posters' family related questions make you uncomfortable, perhaps you could skip them.

[LeveeWoman]

I think that you have a lot of relationship issues when dealing with your inlaws.  I'm not sure any of them have to deal with etiquette as they just seem to be questions on how to interact normally with family members.  I think it would be a great help to find someone you can talk with to help you find a way to better interact with those around you.  It really does not sound like your inlaws are bad people.

Your post is puzzling to me.

I don't think the OP has any more issues with dealing with her in-laws than many of us have (or have had) from time to time.

Yes, they ARE about etiquette, because we like to handle these personal issues as tactfully as possible to make things better and or avoid making them worse.

She HAS found "someone" she can talk with to help her by either suggesting new strategies or by supporting those she's already implementing. 

That "someone" is us!

Continued issues relating to family members crosses out of etiquette boundaries.

Says who?

[LilacGirl1983]

OP here...sorry about the delay in the responses to questions

Hubby's opinion: He doesn't care he leaves those decisions up to me

School: She starts kindergarten the last week of July. They are going up in August. Either way it for me is to long of a time and to far away. It is 3 hours up north in a Cabin not close to anything and she has asthma.

Other Grandchildren: There are 3 other children all older teens so she will be the youngest there (5 at that time)

Grandparent's health/stamina: They both have medical issues and gma gets tired easily. Gpa more stamina but I think that watching 4 kids for 7 days would be to much

I haven't heard anything for a little bit. Hopefully they will let it go and enjoy time with their older grandchildren. She won't be going. I don't want to take her out that long plus this school tends to be very academically focused so she could easily fall behind (Yes even in kindergarten)

Our daughter hasn't been away from us for more then 48 hours. I don't know how she would do for a full week..Once she gets older yea I can see a week vacation at some point but right now in my eyes she is to young. I can just see the vacation coming out in an anger outburst from the gparents on how I am controlling or something or other..

[LeveeWoman]

OP here...sorry about the delay in the responses to questions

Hubby's opinion: He doesn't care he leaves those decisions up to me

School: She starts kindergarten the last week of July. They are going up in August. Either way it for me is to long of a time and to far away. It is 3 hours up north in a Cabin not close to anything and she has asthma.

Other Grandchildren: There are 3 other children all older teens so she will be the youngest there (5 at that time)

Grandparent's health/stamina: They both have medical issues and gma gets tired easily. Gpa more stamina but I think that watching 4 kids for 7 days would be to much

I haven't heard anything for a little bit. Hopefully they will let it go and enjoy time with their older grandchildren. She won't be going. I don't want to take her out that long plus this school tends to be very academically focused so she could easily fall behind (Yes even in kindergarten)

Our daughter hasn't been away from us for more then 48 hours. I don't know how she would do for a full week..Once she gets older yea I can see a week vacation at some point but right now in my eyes she is to young. I can just see the vacation coming out in an anger outburst from the gparents on how I am controlling or something or other..

Of course you're controlling--you're the parent!

[gramma dishes]

LilacGirl ~~  I think you are handling this just fine.  It's not what the Grandma wanted, but I suspect that in honesty, if the other kids are all teens they probably are secretly a little relieved that your DD isn't coming.  Teens often want and like to do things that are safe enough for them, but would definitely not be for a preschooler.

They would probably vacillate from enjoying the novelty of playing with the "little" one for awhile, but then resenting her a little too for the extra attention she would need and the likelihood that they might not be able to do all the other things they wanted to do because of her presence.

I think you handled it fine.  You stated your case politely and you're sticking with it.  Grandma will get over it.  Sounds like there's plenty of time for your daughter to have more prolonged visits with Grandma and Grandpa in the future -- if DD wants that.

[Lynn2000]

This might get into weird territory, but you said your husband leaves these decisions up to you, and presumably leaves you to explain the decisions to his parents--is it possible their pushiness and refusal to take no for an answer might be related to this? In addition to continuing to say no yourself should they bring it up, perhaps another tactic would be to also have your husband tell them (his parents) no (assuming they ask again).