Author Topic: Update and Further Advice Needed Re: Post "Help in Dealing With Sister!"  (Read 5452 times)

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gena264

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I had a previous post titled "help in dealing with sister", and now I have an update and some additional advice is requested. Thanks to all who responded in the previous thread, it helped a great deal .

After I sent her that last email where I attempted to explain myself she wrote back. She basically said the same things she said before, not in so many words, but made the comment that it's been hard for EVERYONE to respect the decisions and 'mistakes that you and DH made". Then she said . 'not just one decision , but a series of decisions".

In my last email I brought up my older brother and sister in a very minor way as an example, saying nothing negative about that. She told me that I , "Clearly do not know these people anymore.  Older brother (who was formally on the family 'black list') is now great and he has raised a , ' wonderful, self sufficient , successful daughter with her head on good and straight and he is raising a lovely young man." Which reads to me that she is saying , Brother has done a much better job than you, HIS DD is perfect!". It should be noted that this DD we are talking about (mine and my sister's niece) was previously on the 'black list ' as well  and now all of a sudden they are cleared and perfect. She went on to say that our other sister has hardly any flaws at all and is constantly working on bettering herself.
"
THEN she decided to ask me , "Why did DH apologize to your DD if you guys think you didn't raise her wrong? I am confused? Are you saying you did or didn't do right by DD?"  For one, she has absolutely no idea what DH (or I ) apologized to DD for. She has no business asking me these personal questions after I told her one email previously that I would NOT discuss how I raised DD with her.

She also said some other minor things , such as referring to her and everyone else in the family as the people in " DD's circle" .

I sent her this email back , " I feel I owe it to you to let you know that this discussion is now over for me. It is sad, but it is clear to me that we will not be able to repair our relationship. I think it is best that we stop trying. I wish you nothing but the best , (her name) ."

She responded back , " I am disappointed to hear that . Why did you decided to stop trying? You hurt me why are you shutting me out because I hurt you?I don't think you should close the door on me just yet. I tried to be respectful. I think you are ending this discussion because it isn't easy for you. "

I did not respond back. Comments? Advice? Suggestions?

LeveeWoman

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Re: Update and Further Advice Needed Re: Post "Help in Dealing With Sister!"
« Reply #1 on: February 03, 2013, 01:50:11 PM »
I'd stick her in a black hole and not look back.

doodlemor

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Re: Update and Further Advice Needed Re: Post "Help in Dealing With Sister!"
« Reply #2 on: February 03, 2013, 02:10:49 PM »
Stop reading her emails - she's nuts!

Can you block her emails, send them to a folder that you never open?

Would it be a lot of trouble to close that email account, and open another?

You don't deserve such treatment from your sister, or from the rest of your family.  Just make some gentle overtures to your daughter - at some point she is likely to recognize the truth.

cicero

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Re: Update and Further Advice Needed Re: Post "Help in Dealing With Sister!"
« Reply #3 on: February 03, 2013, 02:17:47 PM »
I'd stick her in a black hole and not look back.
more or less, this.

and if i were in your shoes, if there was any relationship i would put any energy into repairing - ti would be the one with your DD . maybe not now, but hopefully someday down the road. with your sister it is clear that between you two the communications is just.not.there.


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LilacGirl1983

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Re: Update and Further Advice Needed Re: Post "Help in Dealing With Sister!"
« Reply #4 on: February 03, 2013, 02:18:00 PM »
This sound maybe a bit rough but I would let go of the past. By that I mean you need to make a choice. Either include her in your life and not bring up the past as painful as it was or cut her out and be done. Its obvious she doesn't see what she and other does as wrong and you are getting nothing out of it except hurt feelings. I don't think it was right of them to back stab you or be cruel but at the same time your daughter is part of the blame since she dramatized things and agreed with the "running away"

JenJay

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Re: Update and Further Advice Needed Re: Post "Help in Dealing With Sister!"
« Reply #5 on: February 03, 2013, 02:19:53 PM »
She is waaaay too enmeshed in your relationship with your DD. It doesn't even sound like she wants a relationship with you but rather wants an opportunity to lecture you over your alleged parenting mistakes while bragging about how she's supposedly "saved" your daughter. You don't need that.

My advice is this - You've said what you have to say and unfortunately nothing improved. Prepare yourself for an "extinction burst" from your sister (and possibly other relatives?), explain to your DD that you aren't able to maintain a relationship with the extended family right now *but* you don't want that to effect your relationship with her, and try to put this behind you and move on.

NyaChan

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Re: Update and Further Advice Needed Re: Post "Help in Dealing With Sister!"
« Reply #6 on: February 03, 2013, 02:52:46 PM »
This sound maybe a bit rough but I would let go of the past. By that I mean you need to make a choice. Either include her in your life and not bring up the past as painful as it was or cut her out and be done. Its obvious she doesn't see what she and other does as wrong and you are getting nothing out of it except hurt feelings. I don't think it was right of them to back stab you or be cruel but at the same time your daughter is part of the blame since she dramatized things and agreed with the "running away"

I agree with this.  Your family is reacting to what your DD has told them.  They aren't going to see your side of things ever because the reality they know is of your daughter running away to them and whatever she told them when your relationship with her was at its worst, so odds are its pretty prejudicial information.  If you have a better relationship with your DD now than you did in the past, hold on to that and focus on it.  Ignore your sister for the time being, as she is still stuck in the drama of the past. 

Cutenoob

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Re: Update and Further Advice Needed Re: Post "Help in Dealing With Sister!"
« Reply #7 on: February 03, 2013, 03:15:12 PM »
could you provide a link, please?

twiggy

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Re: Update and Further Advice Needed Re: Post "Help in Dealing With Sister!"
« Reply #8 on: February 03, 2013, 03:28:54 PM »
could you provide a link, please?

http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=124496.0

I would simply refuse to discuss anything with sister. Make no response to her emails. Is there a real-life situation where you might be cornered by her? If she's there in person, I would recommend a cut and paste response: "that's between me and DD"

Don't you agree that you were a terrible parent?
That's between me and DD
You and DH made a lot of mistakes.
That's between us and DD
Are you saying you did or didn't do right by DD?
That's between me and DD.
In the United States today, there is a pervasive tendency to treat children as adults, and adults as children.  The options of children are thus steadily expanded, while those of adults are progressively constricted.  The result is unruly children and childish adults.  ~Thomas Szasz

gena264

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Re: Update and Further Advice Needed Re: Post "Help in Dealing With Sister!"
« Reply #9 on: February 03, 2013, 03:29:31 PM »
Stop reading her emails - she's nuts!

Can you block her emails, send them to a folder that you never open?

Would it be a lot of trouble to close that email account, and open another?

You don't deserve such treatment from your sister, or from the rest of your family.  Just make some gentle overtures to your daughter - at some point she is likely to recognize the truth.

I could block her emails. I know I probably should. She is also on my facebook page and if I delete her , that will cause further drama, which I know she wants.

gena264

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Re: Update and Further Advice Needed Re: Post "Help in Dealing With Sister!"
« Reply #10 on: February 03, 2013, 03:31:05 PM »
could you provide a link, please?

http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=124496.0

I would simply refuse to discuss anything with sister. Make no response to her emails. Is there a real-life situation where you might be cornered by her? If she's there in person, I would recommend a cut and paste response: "that's between me and DD"

Don't you agree that you were a terrible parent?
That's between me and DD
You and DH made a lot of mistakes.
That's between us and DD
Are you saying you did or didn't do right by DD?
That's between me and DD.

Luckily, sister lives many states away, as do the rest of my family. So there is no chance I would see her in person.

twiggy

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Re: Update and Further Advice Needed Re: Post "Help in Dealing With Sister!"
« Reply #11 on: February 03, 2013, 03:34:06 PM »
Stop reading her emails - she's nuts!

Can you block her emails, send them to a folder that you never open?

Would it be a lot of trouble to close that email account, and open another?

You don't deserve such treatment from your sister, or from the rest of your family.  Just make some gentle overtures to your daughter - at some point she is likely to recognize the truth.

I could block her emails. I know I probably should. She is also on my facebook page and if I delete her , that will cause further drama, which I know she wants.

If you don't want to delete her, you can use the privacy settings so that you don't see what she posts, and she can't see your posts. Then, if she tries to pm you, just delete it without reading.
In the United States today, there is a pervasive tendency to treat children as adults, and adults as children.  The options of children are thus steadily expanded, while those of adults are progressively constricted.  The result is unruly children and childish adults.  ~Thomas Szasz

Tea Drinker

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Re: Update and Further Advice Needed Re: Post "Help in Dealing With Sister!"
« Reply #12 on: February 03, 2013, 03:35:15 PM »
POD the suggestions to block her emails (or possibly send them to a special folder, and maybe get a trusted friend to check on them, if you think you might want them for something later).

Also, if that is what counts as "trying to be respectful" in her world, she needs some remedial courses (in either English or interpersonal relationships). But there is no point pursuing "if you are trying to be respectful, you may want to know that you are failing" or even "if you really want to treat me respectfully, you will do A, B, C..." (a much more eHell-approved phrasing) with someone who you've decided to cut off for good and sufficient reason.
Any advice that requires the use of a time machine may safely be ignored.

gena264

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Re: Update and Further Advice Needed Re: Post "Help in Dealing With Sister!"
« Reply #13 on: February 03, 2013, 03:37:15 PM »
This sound maybe a bit rough but I would let go of the past. By that I mean you need to make a choice. Either include her in your life and not bring up the past as painful as it was or cut her out and be done. Its obvious she doesn't see what she and other does as wrong and you are getting nothing out of it except hurt feelings. I don't think it was right of them to back stab you or be cruel but at the same time your daughter is part of the blame since she dramatized things and agreed with the "running away"

Yes DD is definitely to blame as well.  I just figured that my parents, having raised 3 teen girls previously, would have a little sense that they are prone to exaggeration. Of course making me the bad guy fulfilled their agenda, so they chose to have no objectivity in what DD said. I actually tried with my sister only, to let go of the past in the sense that I  was willing to have a relationship with her despite all that happened.. She keeps finding a way to bring up all the negativity ...and yes you are right, she feels she did nothing wrong. Well actually she said she knows what she did was wrong before, then changed it around when I turned down her request to be a mediator.

Winterlight

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Re: Update and Further Advice Needed Re: Post "Help in Dealing With Sister!"
« Reply #14 on: February 03, 2013, 03:39:09 PM »
Stop reading her emails - she's nuts!

Can you block her emails, send them to a folder that you never open?

Would it be a lot of trouble to close that email account, and open another?

You don't deserve such treatment from your sister, or from the rest of your family.  Just make some gentle overtures to your daughter - at some point she is likely to recognize the truth.

I could block her emails. I know I probably should. She is also on my facebook page and if I delete her , that will cause further drama, which I know she wants.

If you don't want to delete her, you can use the privacy settings so that you don't see what she posts, and she can't see your posts. Then, if she tries to pm you, just delete it without reading.

This. And stop responding. You aren't going to "win" in that she's not going to magically admit you're right, so drop the rope and walk away. You sent a final email. Responding to her makes it not final anymore.
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To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
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