Used for accommodation? Updated for More info #68

[Penguin_ar]

I have three kids under 5.  Some things like early wake up times (especially with the travel and wedding excitement)  can't be helped, and your nose may indeed be sensitive about pee smell (I couldn't usually smell a peed diaper in a closed plastic bag, and would have done the same thing there to dispose of it away from your house when we left).  But yes, she did use you.  They should at the very last have cleaned up after themselves, and brought you a  present, and said thank you after they left.

[Mental Magpie]

Anyway, she recently phoned and asked if they could stay with me overnight as they were attending a wedding near me in 10 days time.  I said yes, of course, then she asked if actually, could they stay for two nights - The night before and after the wedding, the whole weekend?

Yes, she used you for accomodation, but on the other hand, that is what she said she wanted?  If someone said something like that to me, I would assume that they were there mostly for the wedding, wanted a free place to stay, and would spend a little time with me.  I would then agree to that or not agree to that.  You seemed to have been expecting a proper visit, which she never said would happen.

I have to agree with bopper.  If a friend called to ask if they could stay while attending a wedding, I would expect them to be so busy with the wedding and associated activities, even unplanned ones, that I would kind of expect to be treated like a hotel.  That being said, not cleaning up after yourself is rude.  She could have at least tried to minimize their impact on your house.

[delabela]

I don't think you were used.  I think they weren't the best guests ever, but the clear expectation for the trip was that the purpose was for them to go to the wedding.  You offered to make food or order takeout when they arrived - you can't blame them for taking you up on that.  For all you know, they could have been about to ask you where the nearest store is when you made your offer.  Kids get up early, and in a strange place, sometimes they get up super early.  Kids move stuff around.  Now, they should have picked up after themselves, definitely.  And the parents should have immediately cut off any activity that could have damaged your stuff.  But kids are certainly a disruption.

Someone earlier suggested they should have offered to take you to breakfast - I would not have done that - eating in a restaurant with young children requires most attention on them, and can be stressful for people without children to deal with. 

[MariaE]

Anyway, she recently phoned and asked if they could stay with me overnight as they were attending a wedding near me in 10 days time.  I said yes, of course, then she asked if actually, could they stay for two nights - The night before and after the wedding, the whole weekend?

Yes, she used you for accomodation, but on the other hand, that is what she said she wanted?  If someone said something like that to me, I would assume that they were there mostly for the wedding, wanted a free place to stay, and would spend a little time with me.  I would then agree to that or not agree to that.  You seemed to have been expecting a proper visit, which she never said would happen.

I have to agree with bopper.  If a friend called to ask if they could stay while attending a wedding, I would expect them to be so busy with the wedding and associated activities, even unplanned ones, that I would kind of expect to be treated like a hotel.  That being said, not cleaning up after yourself is rude.  She could have at least tried to minimize their impact on your house.

Exactly. I think that's the only thing she did wrong. Based on the way she phrased the question I would have expected very little quality time with her.

Delabela posted while I was typing - POD to her as well.

[Hmmmmm]

I don't think you were used.  I think they weren't the best guests ever, but the clear expectation for the trip was that the purpose was for them to go to the wedding.  You offered to make food or order takeout when they arrived - you can't blame them for taking you up on that.  For all you know, they could have been about to ask you where the nearest store is when you made your offer.  Kids get up early, and in a strange place, sometimes they get up super early.  Kids move stuff around.  Now, they should have picked up after themselves, definitely.  And the parents should have immediately cut off any activity that could have damaged your stuff.  But kids are certainly a disruption.

Someone earlier suggested they should have offered to take you to breakfast - I would not have done that - eating in a restaurant with young children requires most attention on them, and can be stressful for people without children to deal with.

No, they don't, not if they are in someone else's home and have adequate supervision.

And the OP asked prior to their arrival what food to have on hand for the kids and the mom said she'd bring everything.

[delabela]

On arriving on Friday night, after being shown to their rooms and helping unload the car I asked what they wanted to do for dinner. I could cook, or we could get takeout etc.

Hmmmmm, this is from the OP, and why I made that statement.

I certainly acknowledge that I may have different behavior expectations.

[Tabby Uprising]

Anyway, she recently phoned and asked if they could stay with me overnight as they were attending a wedding near me in 10 days time.  I said yes, of course, then she asked if actually, could they stay for two nights - The night before and after the wedding, the whole weekend?

Yes, she used you for accomodation, but on the other hand, that is what she said she wanted?  If someone said something like that to me, I would assume that they were there mostly for the wedding, wanted a free place to stay, and would spend a little time with me.  I would then agree to that or not agree to that.  You seemed to have been expecting a proper visit, which she never said would happen.

I have to agree with bopper.  If a friend called to ask if they could stay while attending a wedding, I would expect them to be so busy with the wedding and associated activities, even unplanned ones, that I would kind of expect to be treated like a hotel.  That being said, not cleaning up after yourself is rude.  She could have at least tried to minimize their impact on your house.

This is my line of thinking as well.  I think they certainly should have been tidier and cleaned up after themselves, but if a friend asked me if they could stay at my house to attend a nearby event, I wouldn't have expectations of much social time with them.  It's more like asking a favor of someone as opposed to asking to visit with someone.

[siamesecat2965]

Anyway, she recently phoned and asked if they could stay with me overnight as they were attending a wedding near me in 10 days time.  I said yes, of course, then she asked if actually, could they stay for two nights - The night before and after the wedding, the whole weekend?

Yes, she used you for accomodation, but on the other hand, that is what she said she wanted?  If someone said something like that to me, I would assume that they were there mostly for the wedding, wanted a free place to stay, and would spend a little time with me.  I would then agree to that or not agree to that.  You seemed to have been expecting a proper visit, which she never said would happen.

I have to agree with bopper.  If a friend called to ask if they could stay while attending a wedding, I would expect them to be so busy with the wedding and associated activities, even unplanned ones, that I would kind of expect to be treated like a hotel.  That being said, not cleaning up after yourself is rude.  She could have at least tried to minimize their impact on your house.

I agree with this, to a point. I might not expect my guest to be able to spend a lot of time with me, as they purpose for their visit is a wedding, or some other event. That being said, I would at least expect them to clean up after themselves, say thank you in some way, and be a gracious guest, none of which the OP's friend did. They let their kids run wild, did't pick up after themselves, and expected the OP to have stuff in case their one child wet the bed.  Not good guests.

I know I will sometimes stay with my cousin on the way to my mom's, and while the visit is short; I usually arrive in the afternoon, beforer she gets home (I have a key) and leave very early the next morning, I take care not to make a mess, strip the bed, and put my towels and sheets by the laundry, and also offer to take her out to eat, which 9 times out of 10, she declines, but I offer. Or I'll bring something with me, that she can't get, such a bagels, as a thank you.

[siamesecat2965]

Someone earlier suggested they should have offered to take you to breakfast - I would not have done that - eating in a restaurant with young children requires most attention on them, and can be stressful for people without children to deal with.

that was me, and I still stand by my statement they could have at least offered something, whether it be to take them out, or maybe go out and pick up bagels or donuts for breakfast.   I guess I just look at it from my perspective, and what I would do if I were staying with a friend, even to attend another event.  I'd defintiely make the offer, and leave it up to the hostess to accept or decline.

[heartmug]

Sounds like they got a free hotel stay that included maid service and a cook. 

They were incredibly rude.

POD.  For all of the money you were saving them on hotel bills, a thank you gift would have been nice and also a follow-up call or text.  ("Yes we got home safely, thank you for asking and thank you for having us.")

[Hmmmmm]

On arriving on Friday night, after being shown to their rooms and helping unload the car I asked what they wanted to do for dinner. I could cook, or we could get takeout etc.

Hmmmmm, this is from the OP, and why I made that statement.

I certainly acknowledge that I may have different behavior expectations.

This is also from the OP which says the mom said she'd bring things for the kids. I took the OP to mean the what would they like to do for the adult meal, not the kids.

I also bought a few bits and pieces I thought the kids might eat and figured I could pop to the corner shop in an emergency, but my friend had said she would pretty much bring everything they needed and not to worry about that.

[Samgirl2]

On arriving on Friday night, after being shown to their rooms and helping unload the car I asked what they wanted to do for dinner. I could cook, or we could get takeout etc.

Hmmmmm, this is from the OP, and why I made that statement.

I certainly acknowledge that I may have different behavior expectations.

This is also from the OP which says the mom said she'd bring things for the kids. I took the OP to mean the what would they like to do for the adult meal, not the kids.

I also bought a few bits and pieces I thought the kids might eat and figured I could pop to the corner shop in an emergency, but my friend had said she would pretty much bring everything they needed and not to worry about that.

Yes, this is right. I should have been clearer in the OP. I asked what they would like to do for dinner, I could cook or we could get takeout (meaning adults), and I then asked what she would like to do for the kids because she had said she would bring things for them. That's when she asked if I had beans on toast or anything like that.

[Yvaine]

On arriving on Friday night, after being shown to their rooms and helping unload the car I asked what they wanted to do for dinner. I could cook, or we could get takeout etc.

Hmmmmm, this is from the OP, and why I made that statement.

I certainly acknowledge that I may have different behavior expectations.

This is also from the OP which says the mom said she'd bring things for the kids. I took the OP to mean the what would they like to do for the adult meal, not the kids.

I also bought a few bits and pieces I thought the kids might eat and figured I could pop to the corner shop in an emergency, but my friend had said she would pretty much bring everything they needed and not to worry about that.

Yes, this is right. I should have been clearer in the OP. I asked what they would like to do for dinner, I could cook or we could get takeout (meaning adults), and I then asked what she would like to do for the kids because she had said she would bring things for them. That's when she asked if I had beans on toast or anything like that.

It rings weird with me, somehow, to provide dinner to the adults but not the kids. I figure if it's more of a "hotel" situation, the guests would provide both the adult food and the kid food for themselves, and if it's more host/guest, it seems more hospitable to host all the guests and not just the adults. I don't have kids so I may not know how this is generally done, though.

[Samgirl2]

On arriving on Friday night, after being shown to their rooms and helping unload the car I asked what they wanted to do for dinner. I could cook, or we could get takeout etc.

Hmmmmm, this is from the OP, and why I made that statement.

I certainly acknowledge that I may have different behavior expectations.

This is also from the OP which says the mom said she'd bring things for the kids. I took the OP to mean the what would they like to do for the adult meal, not the kids.

I also bought a few bits and pieces I thought the kids might eat and figured I could pop to the corner shop in an emergency, but my friend had said she would pretty much bring everything they needed and not to worry about that.

Yes, this is right. I should have been clearer in the OP. I asked what they would like to do for dinner, I could cook or we could get takeout (meaning adults), and I then asked what she would like to do for the kids because she had said she would bring things for them. That's when she asked if I had beans on toast or anything like that.

It rings weird with me, somehow, to provide dinner to the adults but not the kids. I figure if it's more of a "hotel" situation, the guests would provide both the adult food and the kid food for themselves, and if it's more host/guest, it seems more hospitable to host all the guests and not just the adults. I don't have kids so I may not know how this is generally done, though.

Because my friend had specifically said in advance, when I asked what food her kids ate, "don't worry, I'll bring pretty much everything they need", and so I had only picked a few things like plenty of fruit, some juice, things like that. I assumed she wanted to sort them out herself.

[Outdoor Girl]

I've 'used' friends for accommodation on a few occasions.  But the difference is that I do my best to be as unobtrusive as possible.  I bring a hostess gift, I help out around the house, doing the dishes after a meal and stripping the bed before I leave (I always ask first - some people don't want you to do that).  I don't leave a mess behind for my host/ess to clean up, beyond what they'd have to clean up had I not stayed.

I realize that is more difficult with toddlers but it does seem like this 'friend' didn't make much of an effort.

The really telling point for me is that the OP's 'friend' didn't respond to the text, asking if they got home safely.  That's kind of a rotten thing to do to someone you claim is a friend.