Used for accommodation? Updated for More info #68

[gramma dishes]

When I first began reading your initial post, I thought you were going to say they attended all the wedding events and left the kids with you.  At least they (apparently) didn't spring baby sitting services on you too, but that's about the only acceptable thing your "guests" did.

No, I don't think you had any reason to expect them to spend a lot of time with you catching up as they had been quite clear when making the request that they'd be spending very little time with you and they just wanted to stay with you for what basically amounts to financial reasons.

However, that does NOT excuse their allowing their children to totally dishevel your home and leave smelly, messy artifacts from their presence all over your house.  Who does that?

I also had three children and the oldest was four when the youngest was born, but I assure you that when we visited ANYwhere, even at my parents' and my husband's parents' homes -- or even hotels/motels, you'd have never known we had even been there after we left and I think that's as it should be.  No child should be allowed to turn someone else's home into an amusement park in the first place and even moreso then leave it without putting it back as they found it.

If these same people "need" to use someone's home as a hotel again in the future, perhaps it should not be yours.   

[Hmmmmm]

On arriving on Friday night, after being shown to their rooms and helping unload the car I asked what they wanted to do for dinner. I could cook, or we could get takeout etc.

Hmmmmm, this is from the OP, and why I made that statement.

I certainly acknowledge that I may have different behavior expectations.

This is also from the OP which says the mom said she'd bring things for the kids. I took the OP to mean the what would they like to do for the adult meal, not the kids.

I also bought a few bits and pieces I thought the kids might eat and figured I could pop to the corner shop in an emergency, but my friend had said she would pretty much bring everything they needed and not to worry about that.

Yes, this is right. I should have been clearer in the OP. I asked what they would like to do for dinner, I could cook or we could get takeout (meaning adults), and I then asked what she would like to do for the kids because she had said she would bring things for them. That's when she asked if I had beans on toast or anything like that.

It rings weird with me, somehow, to provide dinner to the adults but not the kids. I figure if it's more of a "hotel" situation, the guests would provide both the adult food and the kid food for themselves, and if it's more host/guest, it seems more hospitable to host all the guests and not just the adults. I don't have kids so I may not know how this is generally done, though.

It was quiet common amongst my friends when the kids were young.  While I know there are a ton of kids who are very open to lots of food, at age 2 & 4, it was easier for us to let the kids have a separate meal versus limiting our hosts to things the kids would like.  So if our hosts wanted to order in spicy Thai food or go out for sushi that was perfectly fine because I'd brought along something my kids would eat.

Even dinner gatherings amongst our friends usually included a separate meal served at a separate time for the youngest guests with a more adult friendly meal served later. 

I know many posters see this as "different levels of hospitality" for different guests. But as the parent of these guests, I really would have preferred a different level of hospitality for my kids versus being concerned about finding something they'd eat from the local Indian takeout.

[Yvaine]

I know many posters see this as "different levels of hospitality" for different guests. But as the parent of these guests, I really would have preferred a different level of hospitality for my kids versus being concerned about finding something they'd eat from the local Indian takeout.

Oh, fear not, I'm not trying to get the debate about different types of food started again.  Just whether the host should provide food of some kind to child guests or whether that's only on the parent.

[BeagleMommy]

OP, your friend and her family behaved abysmally.  DH and I traveled with DS from the time he was an infant.  We always made sure we brought anything that was necessary for the comfort of our baby and the convenience of those who were accommodating us.

If the children are up at the first beam of light then mom or dad should be up with them.  That way they can ensure no havoc is wrought on the home.  My DS would not have been allowed to pile sofa cushions on the floor because "this is not our house".  I most certainly would have made sure to dispose of used diapers in the proper manner (not leave a bag of them in the room).

A tiny part of my brain suspects they don't stay at hotels because they get charged an extra cleaning fee due to their children's habits.

[NyaChan]

If they were clear that they literally needed a place to stay vs. coming to visit you while also attending a wedding, then I think their transgressions are limited to the disrespect they showed to your home.  As a child, even if I had woken up before anyone else in the house, I knew that it was important to be quiet and also that I wasn't to move things around or mess up my surroundings.  My mom never specifically told me, "if you get up early, you should do x, y, and z" but she never had to.  I was taught the general rule of being respectful and considerate of others.  If I had messed up somehow, my parents would have cleaned it up (or had me do it) and apologized (and then had me apologize too).  If they couldn't trust their kids to do that, they should have had a parent up with them to supervise and also cleaned up whatever mess what made.

[cicero]

When I first began reading your initial post, I thought you were going to say they attended all the wedding events and left the kids with you.  At least they (apparently) didn't spring baby sitting services on you too, but that's about the only acceptable thing your "guests" did.

LOL i think we've been hanging around Ehell for too long - that is exactly where *my* mind was going!

[gramma dishes]

...   The snow was getting quite heavy and the forecast for London was worse so they started talking about leaving and heading home soon.  Then my friend said she felt a bit bad because we hadn't really seen each other all weekend and kind of left it hanging. I felt like she wanted permission to leave and for me to say it wasn't rude, and because of the bad weather etc I honestly felt they should leave sooner rather than later so I said it was fine, I didn't want the to get stuck travelling etc.  ...

You know, I went back and reread this part.  Is there even the remotest possibility that rather than hinting that they'd like to cut the visit short because of the increasingly bad weather conditions, what she really might have been hoping for was that you'd invite them to stay another night so they didn't have to drive through the heavy snow and hopefully the roads would have been cleared by morning?

[Hmmmmm]

...   The snow was getting quite heavy and the forecast for London was worse so they started talking about leaving and heading home soon.  Then my friend said she felt a bit bad because we hadn't really seen each other all weekend and kind of left it hanging. I felt like she wanted permission to leave and for me to say it wasn't rude, and because of the bad weather etc I honestly felt they should leave sooner rather than later so I said it was fine, I didn't want the to get stuck travelling etc.  ...

You know, I went back and reread this part.  Is there even the remotest possibility that rather than hinting that they'd like to cut the visit short because of the increasingly bad weather conditions, what she really might have been hoping for was that you'd invite them to stay another night so they didn't have to drive through the heavy snow and hopefully the roads would have been cleared by morning?

I felt the same way, that she was hinting for a third night of accomodations. 

[Samgirl2]

...   The snow was getting quite heavy and the forecast for London was worse so they started talking about leaving and heading home soon.  Then my friend said she felt a bit bad because we hadn't really seen each other all weekend and kind of left it hanging. I felt like she wanted permission to leave and for me to say it wasn't rude, and because of the bad weather etc I honestly felt they should leave sooner rather than later so I said it was fine, I didn't want the to get stuck travelling etc.  ...

You know, I went back and reread this part.  Is there even the remotest possibility that rather than hinting that they'd like to cut the visit short because of the increasingly bad weather conditions, what she really might have been hoping for was that you'd invite them to stay another night so they didn't have to drive through the heavy snow and hopefully the roads would have been cleared by morning?

I don't think so, her husband had to be at work on Monday morning.  I think she just realised they looked like they were cutting and running.

[cheyne]

She's rude.  Was she always a bit entitled when you went to school together?  At the least she should have texted you that they arrived safely then sent a nice thank you note and a gift (or at the very least a phone call thanking you).

I get that this was more of a "place to stay" than a "visit".  However, Friend could have got up Sunday with her kids at 6 am or with you at 7am and spent a couple of hours visiting before they had to pack up and leave.  Friend getting up a 9 am when her hostess is up at 7 am (due to her kids noise and etc...) is pretty rude in my book.

This family treated you like a hotel with full cook, maid and laundry service.  I would never agree to host them again for any reason.

I mean really, who expects a single person to have a mattress protector?  Who leaves a child in a wet diaper that is so strong that you call it a "stench" and then says, "your nose must be too sensitive"?

[wolfie]

  Who leaves a child in a wet diaper that is so strong that you call it a "stench" and then says, "your nose must be too sensitive"?

While I think the guests acted awfully this one could be true. I went to a book club meeting at a friend's house. I walked in and was hit by the smell of cat pee. It almost took my breath away. After talking to about 5 other people who were there I was the only person who smelled it. Seems like I have a sensitive nose for cat pee. The OP could have the same thing. But the solution is not for the OP to live with it - it is for the parents to remove any dirty diapers promptly.

[Aeris]

I agree with some others that you have to separate the issues a bit here. I don't see a thing wrong with how little time the friend spent chatting and hanging out with the OP. Honestly, I don't really understand how one could expect anything more. They were driving in Friday evening, probably after a full day of work then travel, then having to wrangle the kids for dinner/baths/bedtime. And obviously this family is on an early to bed, early to rise schedule. It's perfectly unsurprising they went to bed so early both evenings. Then the wedding clearly took up the vast majority of Saturday, and then weather on Sunday took a nasty turn.

Where the friend was rude was in allowing her children to mess with things without permission (like the couch cushions), not cleaning up after them, not bringing a hostess gift, and not acknowledging the 'did you get home safe' text. Even if she never received that text, ideally she would have texted independently to say thanks again.

There's no excusing the above, but the OP seems to me more upset by the final comment of the friend about how little time they'd gotten to really spend together. But that's the one major part where I think the friend did *not* actually do anything wrong.

Then my friend said she felt a bit bad because we hadn't really seen each other all weekend and kind of left it hanging. I felt like she wanted permission to leave and for me to say it wasn't rude, and because of the bad weather etc I honestly felt they should leave sooner rather than later so I said it was fine, I didn't want the to get stuck travelling etc.  ...

[Aeris]

I get that this was more of a "place to stay" than a "visit".  However, Friend could have got up Sunday with her kids at 6 am or with you at 7am and spent a couple of hours visiting before they had to pack up and leave.  Friend getting up a 9 am when her hostess is up at 7 am (due to her kids noise and etc...) is pretty rude in my book.

I'm not sure I follow this. She probably didn't know her hostess had gotten up at 7am. How would she? From the OP, it sounds like the kids' father was with them, so they weren't unattended. Perhaps she had a headache, or had had a bit of trouble sleeping, and her husband told her to go ahead and get another hour or two of sleep, and that he'd handle the kids. I can't automatically fault the mother for getting an extra bit of sleep - it isn't as though she slept til noon.

None of that excuses the children's loudness, mess making, and general havoc. But that's a separate issue to me.

[Margo]

If they were clear that they literally needed a place to stay vs. coming to visit you while also attending a wedding, then I think their transgressions are limited to the disrespect they showed to your home.  As a child, even if I had woken up before anyone else in the house, I knew that it was important to be quiet and also that I wasn't to move things around or mess up my surroundings.  My mom never specifically told me, "if you get up early, you should do x, y, and z" but she never had to.  I was taught the general rule of being respectful and considerate of others.  If I had messed up somehow, my parents would have cleaned it up (or had me do it) and apologized (and then had me apologize too).  If they couldn't trust their kids to do that, they should have had a parent up with them to supervise and also cleaned up whatever mess what made.

I agree. Your friend was upfront about needing somewhere to stay to attend the wedding.The rest, however, was really rude.

If you [generic you] have a child who wets the bed you need to bring a mattress protector unless you have checked in advance with your host that they have one (there may be exceptions if your host also has young children and you are 100% certain that they have a spare) And I think you should be asking whether you need to bring other bedding, too. And at least offer to deal with the resulting laundry.

Same thing with the mess. As parents, they ought to have done their best to prevent their kids messing up your house, and have cleared up after themselves (again, if you offer to do this, that's fine, but it's their responsibility, not yours)

The nappies - I think it's odd to just leave these in the bedroom. Thinking of friends with babies who have been visiting me or other friends, they tend to ask (a) where they can change nappies and (b) where to put the dirty nappies - i.e 'is there a bin in bathroom, or should I put it straight outside?'

And there is no excuse whatsoever for their lack of thanks or even response to your text.

Given that they know from the start they were coming for accommodation rather than socialising they definitely should have either brought a gift (flowers, chocolate, wine) or sent something afterwards.

If it were me, I would not be inviting these people back to my home.

[Samgirl2]

The funny thing is, my sister came to stay for 2 nights the day after these friends left as we both had a couple days off. She has stayed a million times before and knows I have everything guests need, but she still brought a sleeping bag and towels to save me doing laundry again, knowing they had just left, she brought leftover cupcakes from a party and she offered to wash up. Couldn't gave been more different!