Used for accommodation? Updated for More info #68

[Snooks]

One of the red flags for me is that they only gave you ten days notice.  You know more than ten days in advance that you're going to a wedding (especially one that you're travelling to with children), so were you a fallback option after someone else said no?

Edited because I forgot what else I came here to say.  I've done the staying with a friend and attending an event (in my case it was a funeral so not much notice), I sent a gift afterwards to say thank you as my mind was elsewhere beforehand.

[kherbert05]

They were rude in somethings, others not so much

1. Early wake up times. That is hard enough for adults to adjust. It is very difficult for some kids. They may have slept in the car also.

2. Food you offered

3. Diaper changes - they should have asked you where and how to dispose of the diapers. I think parents get a little used to the smell.

4. They should have brought a matress protector and/or pull ups for the 4 yo.

5. Noise in the morning/messes should not have happened.

When I lived in West Texas - I would come and stay with sis or Aunt and Uncle in Houston for things. Sometimes we would hardly see each other, other times it was for a visit. Those are two different things.

[Kestrels Nemesis]

Well as a parent. I would have probably done similar with the diapers.  Just about every place we have stayed, our hosts had us keep wet diapers in a plastic grocery sack in whatever room we were staying (to go out when we left) and the other ones were immediately bagged and placed outside in the outdoor garbage as long as it was daytime.

Now for myself, I took each bag of diapers out once a day....but I can kind of give Mom and Dad a pass on forgetting to take them out in the morning before the wedding.

I have never had a problem with smelly wet diapers except when cloth diapering and they were kept in a diaper pail.

[snowdragon]

Who leaves a child in a wet diaper that is so strong that you call it a "stench" and then says, "your nose must be too sensitive"?

Between this and the mess in the bedroom,  I would say a barnyard animal.

[sammycat]

One of the red flags for me is that they only gave you ten days notice.  You know more than ten days in advance that you're going to a wedding (especially one that you're travelling to with children), so were you a fallback option after someone else said no?

That stuck out to me too. Surely they knew ages prior to calling you that they were going to be attending the wedding. What if you'd said no to accommodating them?

In this situation, I'd give them a pass on the not spending too much time together thing, as they were upfront about only using you for accommodation.  However, they don't get a pass on anything else at all. They were flat out rude.

They should have paid, or at least offered to pay, for the evening meal, as a thank you for letting them stay.

I wouldn't dream of staying anywhere without taking a mattress protector for my (then) 4 year old.

My kids were/are early risers, but when we stayed away from home, they were expected/told to be quiet until the host was up and about. Usually they were kept in our room with us, or if we did go elsewhere in the house, it'd be to one room for a quiet activity. I'm not an early riser by nature, but when staying with someone else, I ensure that I do get up with or before my kids, so as to supervise them properly.

I always asked what to do with dirty nappies, or if I did forget, I'd put them in the scented plastic nappy bags and place them in an outside bin. I never left dirty nappies lying around my own house, let alone someone else's.

Pulling the furniture apart and/or leaving dirty stuff around the house - what planet are these people from that they think this is acceptable behaviour in someone else's home?!?!?!?!? Let alone not even offering, or better yet rectifying, the situation.

Prior to leaving, they should have gone around the house, tidying up every bit of their considerable mess.

They definitely should also have contacted you once they were home, to (A) let you know they arrived safely, and (B) to say thank you.

It'd be a dark day in ehell before they ever crossed my doorstep again, even just for an afternoon visit.

[LEMon]

See what makes me believe you were used as accommodations only was the lack of contact since then.  No reply to your text even.  That says 'treated like a hotel' to me.

We've long had the habit of calling whoever we were staying with when we reached home.  Just to say 'thank you' again, if not to say 'arrived just fine' as well.

[LifeOnPluto]

I agree with the majority of posters. The rudeness comes not from the limited social time they spent with Samgirl, but rather the fact that they let their kids run wild and left a huge mess for her to clean up.

And the no-reply to the text is the icing on the cake. I don't care how busy you are with small kids / your SO / work / etc. If you can't be stuffed to pick up the phone and spent 20 seconds replying to someone who's just done you a big favour, that's really poor form.

Samgirl, I'd cut right back on contact with this "friend". And I'd certainly never let her and her family visit with me again.

[hyzenthlay]

I could give a pass to the diapers, at least they were in a plastic bag. And the minimal time spent is really just life with small children.

But the mess left in the morning really isn't acceptable in any way. I would not allow my kids to play with someone else's cushions like that, or scatter food about the place. Even if that might have been a lazy Saturday morning at my house.

The complete lack of contact since is kind of the last straw on this.

[MariaE]

One of the red flags for me is that they only gave you ten days notice.  You know more than ten days in advance that you're going to a wedding (especially one that you're travelling to with children), so were you a fallback option after someone else said no?

Why does that matter? This isn't an A-list, B-list situation. There's nothing rude about having on plan fall through and go for plan B instead. The short notice might make the OP more likely to say no, but I don't see it as raising any flags.

[peaches]

DH and I have never asked friends if we could stay at their homes overnight. We have always waited for an invitation. Now, it might be that OP has told her friend "Please let us know anytime you will be in town, as we'd love to have you stay with us" or that the two couples have a history of visiting with one another, each providing hospitality to the other in turn. It doesn't sound like it, though. In this situation, DH and I would have stayed in a hotel. 

I also think the friend was presumptuous in that first phone call by first asking to stay one night, and immediately after getting agreement, asking to stay two nights. There was a bit of a bait and switch there.

When visiting, parents should bring bed protectors if they are needed. Parents should bring a few toys for their kids to play with, so that sofa cushions don't become  toys (and if they see that happening, should prompty stop it). If the children have special food preferences, they should bring those foods.

Guests should pick up after themselves, and offer to help out with chores such as dishwashing. They should ask where to take any garbage (and/or diapers) that have accumulated.

Guests should bring a gift, or send one after the stay. A thank you note is also standard good manners.

[Bluenomi]

I could give a pass to the diapers, at least they were in a plastic bag.

As the mother of a toddler I find that the worst bit. I never, ever leave nappies around the place at other people's houses. My nose might be used to it (though I still smell a slightly wet nappy) but other people's aren't. I put them in the bin asap. Last weekend at my parents I got drenched putting one in the bin because it was bucketing down but didn't think everyone else in the house needed to smell DD's dirty nappy. Even in plastic you can still smell them.

I think the OP was used. The parents clearly didn't care, no thank you, letting their kids trash the place etc. I wouldn't go out of my way to contact them again

[zyrs]

I heard them all go downstairs (parents and kids) and put the tv on so I went back to sleep for a bit and then went down at 7.30am. There was half eaten cereal in bowls around the room, squashed food (grapes and bits of cereal) all over the table, my cat was hiding under a chair, all the sofa cushions had been piled into the middle of the floor and were being jumped on. ...  I washed up, wiped the surfaces and put all the cushions back etc (and a bunch of ornaments and little things that I found scattered around the place).

This is what stuck out to me.  In an hour and 45 minutes, with both parents supervising the children, this is how they treated someone else's house. It speaks to me of no supervision at all and that's where the rude is.

[TootsNYC]

I agree--though, w/ little kids you sometimes get squashed food all over the table, it just happens, but it's also something that the OP shouldn't have been cleaning up.

The cat under a chair--well, that doesn't automatically mean they did something horrible; it might just be the normal outcome of cats and little kids. Happened w/ my cat every single time.


but the one that would have me upset is the half-eaten cereal in bowls *around the room*--with little kids, it's just plain stupid to have cereal anywhere but the table (actually, true of grownups). Was this cereal w/ milk, or dry Cheerios?

And the sofa cushions a bit--I know I would never do that to some ELSE's cushions--you can't just put them in the laundry. (I didn't even let my kids do that to my own.)

[Margo]

DH and I have never asked friends if we could stay at their homes overnight. We have always waited for an invitation. Now, it might be that OP has told her friend "Please let us know anytime you will be in town, as we'd love to have you stay with us" or that the two couples have a history of visiting with one another, each providing hospitality to the other in turn. It doesn't sound like it, though. In this situation, DH and I would have stayed in a hotel. 
<snip>

I agree with the rest of your comments, Peaches, (trimmed them for length)

I don't think that asking to stay is necessarily rude, as I think this does depend a lot on the friendship and the relationship you have with people. It sounds as though OP hadn't seen this couple for a while, but that the initial request wasn't a problem in itself. If the relationship you have or have had with friends is such that it's OK to ask if you can stay then I don't see that part as rude. (it's almost the only part which isn't!)

I have friends who I would not hesitate to ask if I could stay if I was going to be in their town, and I would not think it rude of them (even the ones with kids) to ask me.

[GlassHalfFull]

Guests, with kids or without, should go by the campsite rule...leave things as you found them.  Or in some cases, better than you found them.  When overnighting in other people's homes with my own three kids and DH, that can make for very non-relaxing visits (for me), but that's the way it goes.  I'd be mortified to leave such a mess (dishes, cushions on the floor!) and I would never expect to be welcomed there again.  And that rule goes tenfold when visiting somebody who doesn't have kids with your own in tow, in my opinion. 

As far as the diapers and associated stench goes, I was always a frequent changer and disposed of them immediately. However, I have noticed that now that I have no diapered folk in my home, my tolerance of the smell has decreased quite a bit, and it makes me wonder that even with my past quick care of my diapered people, if it had actually been quick enough for those with unconditioned sniffers.  Or if it could ever actually be quick enough. 

So I think yes, you were used for accommodation, and that in itself seems to not really be the problem as that seemed to be the general understanding of the arrangement.  The question is, were these guests rude?  Absolutely!