Used for accommodation? Updated for More info #68

[joraemi]

I'm hoping that in hindsight the friend was mortified by the way they treated the OP and her home and that's why she hasn't contacted OP.  It doesn't make it right by any stretch of the imagination, but that's what I'm guessing.

[Emmy]

I agree with the majority of the posters.  I do think friend was honest in that she wanted to stay with the OP not for a personal visit, but to attend a wedding.  I also think the certain things can't be helped, like a young child's wake up time.  However, I think the guests did take advantage of OP. 

1.  The guests should have supplied any child related gear.  It is ridiculous to bring a bed wetter to somebody's house and expect the host to be prepared for that situation.

2.  I realize you can't control when kids wake up and many of them wake up early.  However, the parents should do their best to keep the children quiet and entertain them.  It is rude not to prepare for that situation and then tear apart the OP's home to use for a jungle gym.  The parents should have been prepared and brought along quiet toys for the kids.  The parents should make sure the kids keep their mitts off the OP's things.

3.  I realize toddlers are not the neatest people in the world.  However, the parents should have made sure they ate in the kitchen and cleaned up any mess. 

4.  The guests should have brought a hostess gift and/or payed for a meal.

5.  Not getting back to the OP is awful as well.  It seems to say "OK, I call you only when I need something".

6.  It sounds as if the friend was putting the blame on the OP for being too sensitive when she complained about the diapers.  I realize parents can be immune to their own kids bodily function and smells, but that doesn't mean that every is immune to it.  Putting the diapers in a plastic bag was a start, but it was rude to leave them around the room for the OP to deal with.

I have a toddler so I realize that parenting is not easy, and I'm sure two children is even harder.  However, that certainly does not give them a pass.  There is no excuse to treat somebody's home that way.  It sounds as if the parents were lazy, didn't plan ahead, and just let the OP clean up after them. 

[peaches]

I have friends who I would not hesitate to ask if I could stay if I was going to be in their town, and I would not think it rude of them (even the ones with kids) to ask me.

I'm not sure I would say it was rude; I'd rather say it's not something I'd do. Nor is it something that friends have ever done to us. It kind of puts friends on the spot to ask if you can stay at their place. We have had friends stay many times. Usually the conversation starts with them saying they will be in town on certain dates and hope they can get together with us during their stay. Then, we invite them to stay with us. That seems to me a more polite way to go about this. It leaves the responsibility for housing where it belongs - on the visitor. The hometown friend can issue an invitation, or suggest you all meet somewhere for dinner, or invite you for a meal or whatever.

What really pushes this over the line for me is that the friend asked to come and stay during a time when she knew she and her family wouldn't be able to spend time visiting with her friend. There wasn't time to take the hosts out to dinner, or to go somewhere as a group. It just sounds too much like looking for a place to stay, rather than looking for a way to hook up with a friend.

[TootsNYC]

6.  It sounds as if the friend was putting the blame on the OP for being too sensitive when she complained about the diapers.  I realize parents can be immune to their own kids bodily function and smells, but that doesn't mean that every is immune to it.  Putting the diapers in a plastic bag was a start, but it was rude to leave them around the room for the OP to deal with.

I can see the mom saying to herself, "oh, I forgot to ask what to do w/ diapers, because it's the first time I've stayed with someone, and I'll just put them in this plastic bag and take it down with me" and then forgetting.

But if the smell was mentioned, she should have said, "oh, yeah, sorry! I meant to take that down with me. Where *should* I put diapers? I forgot to figure out what to do without a diaper pail."

[Margo]

I have friends who I would not hesitate to ask if I could stay if I was going to be in their town, and I would not think it rude of them (even the ones with kids) to ask me.

I'm not sure I would say it was rude; I'd rather say it's not something I'd do. Nor is it something that friends have ever done to us. It kind of puts friends on the spot to ask if you can stay at their place. We have had friends stay many times. Usually the conversation starts with them saying they will be in town on certain dates and hope they can get together with us during their stay. Then, we invite them to stay with us. That seems to me a more polite way to go about this. It leaves the responsibility for housing where it belongs - on the visitor. The hometown friend can issue an invitation, or suggest you all meet somewhere for dinner, or invite you for a meal or whatever.

What really pushes this over the line for me is that the friend asked to come and stay during a time when she knew she and her family wouldn't be able to spend time visiting with her friend. There wasn't time to take the hosts out to dinner, or to go somewhere as a group. It just sounds too much like looking for a place to stay, rather than looking for a way to hook up with a friend.

Yes, I wasn't saying it was always OK, just that I don't think it's uncommon, with friends and family, to be in a position where it's normal and not seen as rude on either side. If it's not the norm for you and your friends, then I agree that it would be putting them on the spot.
I wouldn't do it to someone I wasn't already on these terms with.

[Snooks]

One of the red flags for me is that they only gave you ten days notice.  You know more than ten days in advance that you're going to a wedding (especially one that you're travelling to with children), so were you a fallback option after someone else said no?

Why does that matter? This isn't an A-list, B-list situation. There's nothing rude about having on plan fall through and go for plan B instead. The short notice might make the OP more likely to say no, but I don't see it as raising any flags.

I wondered if someone rescinded an offer due to their behaviour.  I didn't say it was rude I said it was a red flag.

[fluffy]

We stayed with a friend for a wedding once (this was pre-baby). We didn't have a ton of time to spend with him, but we did take him out to breakfast. Whenever we stay with someone, we try to pay for at least one meal.

That said, I think they spent a decent amount of time with you. If they'd gone out to eat without you, or gone sightseeing, that might have been rude. But they were mostly in town for the wedding and it sounds like they spent all of their free time with you. You probably would have had more of a visit if the weather had been better. You can't really fault them for that.

I honestly can't smell my daughter's diapers at this point, but I always ask how people prefer that I dispose of them when I'm at their houses. Not only can other people smell them better than me, but there are also lots of people who get squicked out by diapers. Why would I want to make my host feel uncomfortable in their own home? Most people just say "oh, put it in that trash can, I'm taking it out later." But I'll take individual diapers outside if necessary.

I can see forgetting about a mattress pad (I forget stuff for our daughter all the time, even though I pack enough gear to outfit an army). But, if I did that, I'd be apologizing profusely and asking what my options were or if we should be running out to get something. My husband has driven to the store to get stuff that we forgot. My kid, my responsibility.

I'd say that there are a few things from your visit that can probably be explained by carelessness. They might not have meant to leave the dirty diaper bag in their room. They might have meant to bring more food for the kids. The might have forgotten the mattress pad at home. But, taken as a whole, they treated you incredibly poorly.

[GeauxTigers]

Not before her asking to please borrow a mattress protector as the 4 year old wets the bed

Is it a possibility that this has happened before in hotels, with consequential additional cleaning/damage charges?

Either way, these guests behaved atrociously. Who visits with children known to have bedwetting issues without a) warning the host beforehand and b) without bringing their own mattress protectors?

As for the "let's do this again sometime" thing, I'd be inclined to respond "Let's not."

[Samgirl2]

Is it a possibility that this has happened before in hotels, with consequential additional cleaning/damage charges?

My friend and her family don't usually stay in hotels as they only have one income as she's not working. When they go away it is almost always to visit either their parents or siblings, or renting a holiday house with family, so perhaps it a bit different in that they really can act like it's their house. plus, as I said, we used to be roommates and I think maybe they are used to doing whatever they want when they stay with people.  I don't think it excuses it though. What really suprised me is that she always used to be so house proud and her room when we lived together was spotless and her house before kids was always the same. I thought she would have a little more respect for mine.

Interestingly, for those that said they used me instead of paying for a hotel, I should have seen the signs: 

Snow was forecast to be bad throughout their visit and I emailed to warn them 2 days before and say that while I still very much wanted to see them, had they seen the forecast and maybe they should look for a B&B or a travelodge or something nearer to the wedding venue, just in case they were to get stuck with two small kids if the weather was as bad as predicted as it was still 23 miles from me, and the main road between my town and wedding town had a very steep hill where I know people had got stuck on the past.  I wasn't trying to put them off, just trying to be helpful.  Anyway, her DH replied that there wouldn't be anything closer than me (what?!, there was I'd already checked)) and certainly not at a reasonable price and 23 miles wasn't that far so they'd stick to staying with me, thanks for letting them know. 

Then, because of snow on Friday (day of their arrival) and me having a ton of work to do, I decided to work from home that day rather than waste time travelling into work and then being sent home again when the office closed by about mid morning. I put something on facebook about working from home and keeping warm and her DH messaged me and said 'so you're working from home? Can we arrive anytime then, is after lunch ok?'. I was working on an urgent project for Monday and needed to finish by the end of the day, but I wasn't expecting them to arrive till about 7pm, andexpected to be working right up til then. Working from home doesn't mean I'm sitting around doing nothing! I replied to her DH that I still had a full working day and if I worked through lunch I could be done by 5pm at the absolute earliest, but please not to arrive before then.  He came back with 'ok, we'll set off early and find a coffee shop near you or something then, I don't want to drive in the dark in bad weather'.  I then felt guilty for not allowing them to arrive earlier in safer conditions, but I really did have to get this done and my open plan downstairs and no office space in my house meant I wouldn't be able to once they arrived. They ended up arriving at 5.30pm because the weather had indeed been bad and it had taken them 2 hours longer than they expected and I was still finishing up work and on the phone to my boss at the time. Luckily it only took another 5-10 mins or so.

I feel like I should also say they didn't wreck the house or cause any lasting damage etc. It was more carelessness but I just think, knowing I live on my own and don't have kids, that it might have occured to them I didn't want to be woken before 6am on a weekend and didn't want to have to clean up after 4 extra people. The usual making up of rooms, providing food etc if one thing, but having to put things away, clean the house 2 days running while they were out, wash up and throw out dirty smelly nappies as well was a bit much.

I like having houseguests and I always make up rooms, clean the house from top to bottom, buy extra groceries, plan meals or go out to eat, show them where everything is and tell them to make themselves at home. Usually guests come for a proper visit but the one time a couple asked to stay because they were also attending a wedding close by, they said 'don't worry, you won't know we're there, we just need a place to sleep etc'. I cooked dinner the night before and they brought wine. The day of the wedding they were out from 11am til 1am and cleaned all traces of themselves up before they went out, then we had a leisurely breakfast on the sunday and they sent flowers a few days later. I didn't expect it and it wasn't necessray but it was a nice gesture. I didn't expect to spend much time with them and they were true to their word on being no trouble!

[BabyMama]

Sounds like typical guests who are oblivious to anyone but themselves. There are a ton of ways where they could have made themselves "good" houseguests, but because it would have required more work from them, they didn't do them.

*Not bringing a mattress pad--so they knew that their kid wet the bed. They sell pull-ups for kids this age. Rather than stopping to buy a pack, they instead asked the OP if she had a mattress pad. She's probably lucky she didn't--no doubt if the kid wet the bed, Samgirl would have been left with the dirty bedding (and as a surprise! Bonus!)

*Waking up early--if it were me as a houseguest in someone's home and my child woke up at the crack of dawn, I'd take her with me and grab breakfast (or at least coffee) for the rest of the household. No way would I let what happened happen.

*Picking up after themselves--this one goes without saying.

*Showing up with hungry kids--the mom already told the OP she would be providing food for her children. They were on the road around dinnertime--surely there was a McDonalds or something they could have stopped at. Of course, I personally might have also stopped to bring dinner for the OP, knowing we wouldn't want to go out/be tired from the drive. That would save a little time and give more time for socializing before bed.

*Bathing the kids before leaving! No way would I have spent 3+ hours (arrival time ~5:30, bedtime 9) prepping my kids before bedtime in someone else's home. Especially since the next night they were somehow able to put their kids to sleep almost immediately.

*Time efficiency does not seem to be these peoples' strong point. They kept the OP out of the only bathroom for hours. Why not use that 5:45 time to feed the kids and then get them ready before the OP gets up? The next day, too--they were up at 6 but didn't have the car loaded until 11:30, and didn't use any of that time to pick up after themselves.

The driving in the dark in bad weather excuse is kind of silly. So the weather was bad on Friday (because they wanted to come earlier before the wedding, but presumably not to spend extra time with the OP because that wasn't mentioned in the husband's text) but not bad on Saturday (wedding fun), but then bad again on Sunday morning (again, more time they could have spent with the OP)? It may have been, but it really doesn't build a strong case for them on paper.

Sorry that happened to you, Samgirl. I'm sure you were looking forward to a nice, if short, visit.