Would this upset you?

[kitchcat]

For some reason, SIL and FIL have decided FB status updates are how they should inform other family about big news. It's how we found out FIL had cancer, when FIL was hospitalized  months later (for an unrelated reason), when SIL got pregnant, when SIL got married (we didn't even find out until a month later), and now that SIL has just had her baby. We never get a phone call, email, or even a text message. DH usually calls them after he sees the news on FB, usually saying something like "So, I see you mentioned [important news] on FB...what's going on with that?"

Since the most recent news announcement, I've pretty much decided that if we aren't worth a phone call or anything for important news in the family, they shouldn't expect us to care. Not a direct cut, but more more of a mutual indifference. Is this petty?

If another family member asks us why we have not reacted to the news in some way (like sending a card, buying a gift, etc.) what should we say?

[wolfie]

I hate that! I don't check facebook that often and I usually only see the first page so if you post something important chances are good that I am not going to see it. I haven't had someone only use facebook to announce important events but I would have the same reaction. If someone asks I would just say I didn't see that post.

[RebeccainGA]

I'd say "Well, I didn't know it happened. Did you leave me a message I didn't get?" and play dumb.

In our family, we do talk a LOT about stuff on Facebook. However, when there are issues of importance, we still call each other! I mean, I called to tell mom and sister and grandparents when DP went into the hospital. I updated the whole time she was there on Facebook for expediency, but I did the initial notifications by phone.

[bah12]

It would bother me, but it would only upset me if they still call each other for big news and just neglect to tell you.  I have an aunt and uncle who do this.  It drives me nuts, but they treat the whole family this way, so I don't take it personally. 

If I were you, I wouldn't bother trying to change them nor would I "pretend" that I didn't find out about the news.  However, if you feel too hurt to call them to talk about whatever it it that was posted, I don't see anything wrong with just writing "Congratulations!" or "So sorry to hear that.  Give me a call if you need anything" and leaving the phone call part up to them. 

[Mental Magpie]

I'd pretend like I never saw the post, plausible deniability and all.  When/if they ask why I never called/reacted/cared, I'd tell them that if they want me to know something/care, they need to tell me directly.  I think you're spot on with the mutual indifference.  If they can't be bothered to tell me, I won't go out of my way to show I care.  Once they tell me directly, however, I will react appropriately.

[JenJay]

I'd assume a Facebook relationship was all they really wanted with me and respond in kind. If I saw a big announcement I'd comment on it and if I didn't then they couldn't blame me for "ignoring" their news. I wouldn't call, send gifts, etc. Hopefully they're just lazy and maybe they'll notice the lack of enthusiasm and pick up the phone.

[WillyNilly]

Well ho often is your DH calling them and asking about stuff?  I mean you found out about SIL's wedding a month later... does that mean you DH had called during the month of silence and said 'so anything new?" and got told "nah, same old, same old..." or does it mean your DH is so far out of touch with his family that he'd went months without speaking with them?  Same with the baby - did he know she was pregnant?  If so, was he calling 3 weeks before the baby was due "hey its getting close now!" or was the total pregnancy a surprise? And if it was does that mean he hadn't called her is 9 months either?

Why is it all on them to call him and tell him and not on him at all to pick up his phone and ask how their lives are?

Don't get me wrong - I don't call my brother, and he doesn't call me - I think that kind of relationship is perfectly acceptable.  But I certainly am not complaining that my brother isn't calling me with news, as I have no desire to start being obligated to call him - because it is absolutely a two way street.

[Hmmmmm]

Well ho often is your DH calling them and asking about stuff?  I mean you found out about SIL's wedding a month later... does that mean you DH had called during the month of silence and said 'so anything new?" and got told "nah, same old, same old..." or does it mean your DH is so far out of touch with his family that he'd went months without speaking with them?  Same with the baby - did he know she was pregnant?  If so, was he calling 3 weeks before the baby was due "hey its getting close now!" or was the total pregnancy a surprise? And if it was does that mean he hadn't called her is 9 months either?

Why is it all on them to call him and tell him and not on him at all to pick up his phone and ask how their lives are?

Don't get me wrong - I don't call my brother, and he doesn't call me - I think that kind of relationship is perfectly acceptable.  But I certainly am not complaining that my brother isn't calling me with news, as I have no desire to start being obligated to call him - because it is absolutely a two way street.

This.  If your DH is not actively staying in contact with them, why would they assume he cares about their news?

[audrey1962]

If another family member asks us why we have not reacted to the news in some way (like sending a card, buying a gift, etc.) what should we say?

Is this a typical question you receive?

[laceandbits]

If the family balance is such that they are more comfortable sending their news via Facebook, don't make them uncomfortable by sending them cards or gifts.  Just send them a congratulations using their favourite medium.

On the otherhand, as others have said, if you don't like this impersonal way of communication with your in-law family, DH and/or you need to phone them at least once a week with the "What's new" line.  Then you do have a legitimate grievance if you still only hear the important things via Facebook and you need to start thinking if they actually care much if you know things or not.

[Giggity]

If another family member asks us why we have not reacted to the news in some way (like sending a card, buying a gift, etc.) what should we say?

How would anyone else know whether you reacted or not?

[Mental Magpie]

If another family member asks us why we have not reacted to the news in some way (like sending a card, buying a gift, etc.) what should we say?

How would anyone else know whether you reacted or not?

I'm assuming the posters would have spoken to someone about it, even just musing aloud to an aunt or something.


I also have to comment, too, that I don't call all of my family every week.  In fact, sometimes it is months between when I call them.  Usually when I call them, it is with big news.  They don't need the mundane of my every day, but when I got engaged, I called many of them to tell them.  They are important enough to me that I want to share important information with them.  That doesn't mean they need to call me every week, either, even just to chitchat.  That doesn't make them any less important to me.

[otterwoman]

You could just click the "Like" button.

[magician5]

Since the most recent news announcement, I've pretty much decided that if we aren't worth a phone call or anything for important news in the family, they shouldn't expect us to care. Not a direct cut, but more more of a mutual indifference. Is this petty?

Not petty. I think your logic is solid and your reaction is both justified and well-moderated.

I have a few relatives that I never hear from unless they want something (the most recent "something" was a choice piece of my newly-deceased mother's furniture, or else a tour of her house to "see if she could help us" ... no thanks.) Let's just say she's off our Christmas card list.

[sammycat]

I also have to comment, too, that I don't call all of my family every week.  In fact, sometimes it is months between when I call them.  Usually when I call them, it is with big news.  They don't need the mundane of my every day, but when I got engaged, I called many of them to tell them.  They are important enough to me that I want to share important information with them.  That doesn't mean they need to call me every week, either, even just to chitchat.  That doesn't make them any less important to me.

Same here.  I speak to my mother and sister at least a few times a week, but other extended relatives less often. But if facebook had been around when I got engaged/married/pregnant etc I would have called the extended family (and friends), even those I only catch up with at family events, on the phone first, and then posted it on facebook, not just used facebook as the only/first medium.