Replace a gift that someone else 'stole'?

[eltf177]

Next time you have any sort of get together I would make it clear to the friend who brought Robert that Robert is no longer invited to anything at your house. And if friend asks, tell him why very matter of factly.

Personally Robert's "host" could join Robert on the banned list as well...

[Tea Drinker]

I would thank Janet for her generous offer, repeat that I love her cheesecakes, and add something like "but don't overwork yourself, please. A cheesecake in a few weeks would be as tasty as a cheesecake Thursday." I might also suggest finding an afternoon when the three of you are all free, and she could come over, have some coffee/tea/etc. and share the cake with us.

[bah12]

Is this typical of Robert? Is it possible that he asked Janet about the cake and she made an off handed comment like "oh, you'll have to try some some time" and he took that to mean now.

It just seems so odd that he knew about it,that he said she could have some, and that she was so upset that it got eaten.  How did she know you and DH hadn't had any or that you guys hadn't meant to put the gift out to share?

I think you handled it as best as you could.

I agree. Either Robert's behaviour was outrageously rude (in lying about having Janet's permission to have the cake) or something in this story doesn't add up.

Anyway, I think you weren't rude in your response to Janet. I like the idea of inviting her for dinner, if she does end up making a new cake.

 I don't know Robert. So, I have no idea what is and isn't typical behavior for him. He was a guest of another guest.  A friend of ours asked if they could bring him because he didn't have other plans and we said sure.  And like I said, I don't know how Robert knew about the cheesecake. My guess is that he saw Janet give it to me and saw me put it away.  There were several people at our house, standing around us when she offered us the cake.

But, I do know Janet and Janet would not give me a cheesecake, tell someone else to they can have some, and then feign being upset because they did.  She didn't know who ate the cake.  DH told us that Robert told him that Janet said he could have some cake and DH's response was "OK...", as in "I don't know why you're asking me if she already said you can have some." DH didn't even know we had the cake at the time, because I didn't tell him about it right away.  I just put it away.  I asked Robert about it and his response wasn't that Janet said he could have the cake but the DH did.   

To answer another question: How did Janet/Robert know the cheesecake wasn't meant to be shared?  Because it was in my refrigerator, not out with the food and the drinks.  And when Janet gave it me, she said "I made a cheesecake for you and DH".  As I mentioned before, it was small...big enough for two/three people to share.

And we're also assuming that Robert didn't eat the whole thing, but either left it out after he cut a slice or other guests saw him cut a slice and helped themselves to the rest.  At this point, the cake was out in the open, so we don't blame the others for taking some. 

[Victim Of Fate]

Agree with all the others that you handled it fine with Janet.

Just to give Robert the benefit of the doubt, is it possible that he got his wires crossed (i.e. thought that Janet was offering him some when she was actually just mentioning the cake), and then assumed that he was clearing it with your husband? Something like:

Janet: Yeah, I don't get the chance to bake that often, but I'm glad I made the time, this cheesecake turned out great!
Robert: Oh yeah? I'll have to try some.
[later]
Robert: Hey, bah12'sDH, Janet was just mentioning the cheesecake she brought to the party - do you mind if I grab a slice?
bah12'sDH: Uh... sure?

In this scenario, Robert assumes that the cake is for the party and was just put in the fridge to keep it chilled. DH, not knowing about the cheesecake, assumes that Robert knows what he's talking about. Janet assumes that Robert knows that the cake was a gift, and not for the party.

I would be sure I knew I wasn't jumping to any conclusions before permanently banning someone from my house.

[Lynn2000]

I think you did fine. I think Janet really wanted to make you guys a new cheesecake, and you really wanted to accept, so all ended well. I would just be sure not to pressure her about it, timewise--like if she apologizes for not having done it yet, reassure her you're in no rush and are happy to have it whenever. Also, I like the idea of inviting her over for tea/dinner to share the cheesecake--so you are kind of giving her something as well.

As for Robert--it sounds really weird. If you think you might encounter him again it might be worth investigating the mix-up a bit, maybe talking to the friend who brought him, before deciding whether to ban him permanently or not. I posted once about how I was at a party and one of the people who lived in the house had a pizza delivered there, just for him, and I asked for (and received, with bemusement) a slice of it because I happened to be in the kitchen when he was serving it up for himself. It honestly didn't occur to me that someone would have a pizza just for themselves delivered in the middle of a party and I assumed it was party food, which I was lucky enough to get first crack at. If people had assumed I was a horrible, rude person because of this mix-up, well, that would be unfortunate. 

[Twik]

I'm sure Janet has her own motive for wanting to make the new cheesecake - she wants the joy of knowing she's given you something that you enjoy. Don't deny her that pleasure.

As far as Robert, I think that there was probably some confusion with "Can I eat the cheesecake?" Which cheesecake was he given permission to eat? I suspect everyone told him, "yes, you can eat the cheesecake," meaning the one put out for everyone, while his eye was on the cake in the fridge. Hopefully, it was an honest misunderstanding, although he still should have realized "Not on the table" = "Not intended for general consumption".

[BeagleMommy]

Bah12,

As far as I'm concerned, theft of cheesecake is punishable by flogging! 

You handled it well.  If Janet decides to make a new cheesecake you and your DH just accept it graciously.  As for Robert?  I don't know if I'd ban him from my house yet, but I'd certainly keep an eye on him.

Now I want cheesecake!

[DottyG]

Which cheesecake was he given permission to eat? I suspect everyone told him, "yes, you can eat the cheesecake," meaning the one put out for everyone,

There wasn't one out on the table.  The only one was in the fridge.

But I agree with Lynn.  There could have been some legit confusion and not rudeness here.  Investigate before jumping to the worst conclusion.

[Twik]

Which cheesecake was he given permission to eat? I suspect everyone told him, "yes, you can eat the cheesecake," meaning the one put out for everyone,

There wasn't one out on the table.  The only one was in the fridge.

But I agree with Lynn.  There could have been some legit confusion and not rudeness here.  Investigate before jumping to the worst conclusion.

Ah, then that was my confusion. I thought there were two.

In which case, he may have just spoken of the "cake".

[bah12]

I never talked to Robert's friend about this (don't know if Robert told him anything) because I honestly don't feel the need to beat it to death.  If Robert's friend asks to bring him to my house again, I may say something.  But, then again, I've never been one to ban someone after one offense.  It may just be a "Robert, we put the food out on the table/counter.  If it's not out, then it's not up for grabs."

As for Janet, I really don't think she jumped to conclusions.  I entered the dining area, where the food was and she was staring at her empty cheesecake box and looking visibly upset.  I don't know what she thought...I'm not sure if she assumed that someone took the cake without our permission, or that I had taken the cake that she specifically said was for me and DH (as has been the case in the past) and had served it to guests...which would have disappointed her (right or wrong). 

I too was confused, because the cake was in the refrigerator and I didn't take it out.  DH walks in at that moment and I asked him if he took the cheesecake out of the refrigerator (thinking it was my fault for not telling him that Janet gave us one) and he said "what cheesecake?  Robert came up to me and told him that Janet said he could have a slice of her cake so he was going to take a slice and I said 'ok'.  I didn't understand why he was telling me this if Janet already gave him permission."  Then Janet says she didn't tell Robert anything about any cake.  So, I find Robert and ask him if Janet told him he could eat the cake in the refrigerator and he said "Your DH said I could take a slice."  I decided not to talk to him after that (outside of saying goodbye when he and his friend left after the game.)

I'm really not trying to investigate whether or not Janet is causing drama (she is not).  I think Robert was wrong.  I just don't want her to feel obligated to spend the time and money making it right for us when it's not her fault we didn't get any. 

[gramma dishes]

...    One of the guests "Janet" makes amazing cheesecakes and brought DH and I one as a host/hostess gift.  It was a small cake just really big enough for the two of us to share.  Janet handed me the cake when she arrived and after thanking her, I put the cake in our refrigerator.  ...

Is there even the REMOTEST possibility that Janet really didn't bring the cheesecake as a hostess gift?  Is there any possibility that she brought it as a dessert that was intended to be shared by everyone?  If she didn't expressly tell you that it was a hostess gift for you and your husband specifically, I can imagine that if Robert saw the cake being placed in the refrigerator he may have assumed that was because it needed to be refrigerated, but was intended to be shared.

So he asked Janet and she, being put on the spot, told him to ask your husband just to be sure it was okay to open the fridge and get it and have a piece.  So he asked your husband who knew nothing about the cake at the time and without meaning to sort of implied that it would be okay.

I have a feeling Janet's feeling a wee bit guilty that she didn't just tell Robert right off the bat, "No, that's a special gift for Bah and Mr. Bah.  It isn't part of the party refreshments."  If something like what I suggested happened, it could explain why Janet was upset when she saw the empty box and realized you were (or would be) upset. 

[JenJay]

I'm really not trying to investigate whether or not Janet is causing drama (she is not).  I think Robert was wrong.

I agree. First he asked your DH for the cake (Which was weird because if he thought the cake was part of the food you were providing then why ask?), stating Janet had told him he could have some. Janet says she did NOT offer him any cake, nor did he ask her for any, so right there he lied to your DH. Finally you ask him if he ate it and he doesn't reply "Yes, wasn't I supposed to? Oh no I'm so sorry!" but "Your DH said I could." like a kid who gets busted with a cookie and says "Dad said I could!"

I think Robert knew the cake was not meant for the party, wanted it anyway, and finagled a piece. I cannot imagine behaving that way in a good friend's house let alone the home of an acquaintance whose party I hadn't even been directly invited to. I might give him one more chance IF he was otherwise a nice guy, just in case it was an honest misunderstanding.

[gellchom]

I think Robert knew the cake was not meant for the party, wanted it anyway, and finagled a piece. I cannot imagine behaving that way in a good friend's house let alone the home of an acquaintance whose party I hadn't even been directly invited to. I might give him one more chance IF he was otherwise a nice guy, just in case it was an honest misunderstanding.

The two bolded sentences seem to contradict each other.  You (1) can't imagine anyone doing that, but you (2) think that that is what Robert did.

I like your last sentence best.  I agree, this seems so strange that I would assume that it was a misunderstanding of some kind.  Who knows, he might have thought he was helping out by putting it out.  And maybe he was in the fridge because he mistakenly thought that that's where the beer was (maybe that's how he does it at his house when he is entertaining).

I agree, don't jump to the most negative conclusion.  Give people, including Robert, the benefit of the doubt.  It's unfortunate, but it's not the end of the world, and it really could have been an honest mistake.  It's not like he took a 5 pound roast out of the freezer and started cooking it or something!

Do let your friend make you another cake if she wants.  If you think she is too busy, suggest that she make one for another evening for just you two couples, and make it a month or so away.

[bah12]

...    One of the guests "Janet" makes amazing cheesecakes and brought DH and I one as a host/hostess gift.  It was a small cake just really big enough for the two of us to share.  Janet handed me the cake when she arrived and after thanking her, I put the cake in our refrigerator.  ...

Is there even the REMOTEST possibility that Janet really didn't bring the cheesecake as a hostess gift?  Is there any possibility that she brought it as a dessert that was intended to be shared by everyone?  If she didn't expressly tell you that it was a hostess gift for you and your husband specifically, I can imagine that if Robert saw the cake being placed in the refrigerator he may have assumed that was because it needed to be refrigerated, but was intended to be shared.

So he asked Janet and she, being put on the spot, told him to ask your husband just to be sure it was okay to open the fridge and get it and have a piece.  So he asked your husband who knew nothing about the cake at the time and without meaning to sort of implied that it would be okay.

I have a feeling Janet's feeling a wee bit guilty that she didn't just tell Robert right off the bat, "No, that's a special gift for Bah and Mr. Bah.  It isn't part of the party refreshments."  If something like what I suggested happened, it could explain why Janet was upset when she saw the empty box and realized you were (or would be) upset.

She told me it was for us...specifically, "I made your favorite for you and your DH to enjoy".  Like I said, it wasn't a full size cheesecake, but one of those small cakes that two or three people could share.

Also, I can't imagine why someone that I know well, who has never lied to me about anything that I'm aware of, would lie and claim she didn't tell Robert anything about the cake, when she did (even if accidentally), and then be upset that it was eaten, and then insist on replacing the gift for us because it was 'stolen'.  While I guess it's always possible that I'm wrong, she has never been a person not to own up to something.  If she did imply, even remotely, that Robert could have the cake (or ask for it), then I can't imagine her not saying so.  It wouldn't be out of character for her to say "Oh, I may have implied that he could ask you guys for permission to taste the cake and now it's gone!  Let me make it up to you and get you guys another one."

Robert, though, may have assumed that the cake was for everyone if/when he saw Janet hand it to me.  Maybe that's why he said something to DH about taking a peice (since it wasn't out with the rest of the food)...however, I don't know why he told DH that Janet said it was ok but when I questioned him and asked him specifically if Janet told him he could have it, told me it was, in fact, DH that said it was ok.

Robert had to have seen Janet give it to me to even know that it was in the refrigerator.  1.  He knew that Janet had something to do with the cake, because he specifically told DH that Janet said he could have it. and 2. there was no reason for him to go into our refrigerator for anything.  We had everything out.  Including ice and drinks.  If he had snooped to see what else he could find, I don't know how he would have known that Janet was the original owner of the cake.  the box didn't say "from Janet" or anything like that.

So, even though I'm not so sure about Robert (and think he lied), I'm not sure I'd never be willing to let him in my house again.  Like I said, he may have thought it was for everyone and just wasn't on the up and up about how he asked if he could have a peice.  In either case, it may not ever be an issue.  I don't have any contact info for him and have never met nor seen him before my party.  So, he'll only likely be around again if our mutual friend asks to bring him...and if that's the case, I'll probably just explain to Robert that everything he needs will be out on the tables and countertops (we do all our parties this way).  If we've run out of something, he's more than welcome to ask me if there is more (I do sometimes keep extas in the fridge to refresh...at least for bigger parties). 

[Bijou]

I wonder why anyone would look in your refrigerator in the first place.  If you are keeping the drinks in there and people go to get their own drinks, I suggest that you get an ice chest for that purpose.  I would have an agreement with my husband that any questions to either of you about such things be referred to the other, just to make sure nothing goes awry.  Or, just say, "Is it on the table?  No?  then it isn't part of the party food."