On being snubbed

[watson]

A good friend of mine has an aunt who got snubbed by her HOA. Three years ago she ran for an officer position. She lost. That year one of the officers dropped out a couple of months after the election. the official policy is that the officers have to select a candidate and vote on that person. If the person gets the majority, they are in. If not, they get rejected and they find another candidate. It is completely at their discretion.

What usually happens is that they select the person who lost but was closest in getting elected as the replacement. That was my friend's aunt. Instead they chose a replacement. And no one knew about it until it was done. My friend's aunt was upset since she actually supported the HOA officers and they did not bother to even give her a chance or even tell her in person. A year later she moved out. It was for the best because she heard that a scandal involving the officers was brewing over finances.

My friend is actually quite proud of her aunt because her aunt wanted to confront them and yell at them for snubbing her, but her aunt just kept it cool and let it go. When she ran into them she was always polite to them. I am impressed by what she did. In this situation, it was probably best for her not to yell at them because they would have made her life miserable.

But is only ignoring it the best way of being snubbed? Is there a time when you have to speak up?

[pearls n purls]

Yelling or staying silent aren't the only options when things like this happen.  Your aunt could have calmly asked them why the replacement was handled that way, she could have expressed her disappointment in the way they did it, etc. 

[Mental Magpie]

Yelling or staying silent aren't the only options when things like this happen.  Your aunt could have calmly asked them why the replacement was handled that way, she could have expressed her disappointment in the way they did it, etc.

This.

I would have spoken up, but that doesn't mean I would have yelled.

[GSNW]

I think she handled it really well.  Sometimes (and IMO lots of times), people who are actively snubbing others love the rush of power when they are confronted or questioned about their snubbing and can play it off like it's all innocence and light.  There seems to be a special joy in letting others know they are not "in" and taking steps, when the opportunity arises, to prove how NOT IN they are.

If there were an impartial group aunt could have asked about how the replacement was handled, I would say go for it.  In this situation, it seems like snubbing for the sake of a power play.  All aunt would have accomplished is letting snubbers know they had achieved their goal.

[Mental Magpie]

I think she handled it really well.  Sometimes (and IMO lots of times), people who are actively snubbing others love the rush of power when they are confronted or questioned about their snubbing and can play it off like it's all innocence and light.  There seems to be a special joy in letting others know they are not "in" and taking steps, when the opportunity arises, to prove how NOT IN they are.

If there were an impartial group aunt could have asked about how the replacement was handled, I would say go for it.  In this situation, it seems like snubbing for the sake of a power play.  All aunt would have accomplished is letting snubbers know they had achieved their goal.

I'm too stubborn.  The person could take delight in showing me how NOT IN I was and it wouldn't stop me from being on the council, voicing my opinions, and doing my duty as a council member.  I simply don't think they'd get the satisfaction from me because my lack of caring about it would be frustrating.  I'd stick it out just to spite them.

[GSNW]

I think she handled it really well.  Sometimes (and IMO lots of times), people who are actively snubbing others love the rush of power when they are confronted or questioned about their snubbing and can play it off like it's all innocence and light.  There seems to be a special joy in letting others know they are not "in" and taking steps, when the opportunity arises, to prove how NOT IN they are.

If there were an impartial group aunt could have asked about how the replacement was handled, I would say go for it.  In this situation, it seems like snubbing for the sake of a power play.  All aunt would have accomplished is letting snubbers know they had achieved their goal.

I'm too stubborn.  The person could take delight in showing me how NOT IN I was and it wouldn't stop me from being on the council, voicing my opinions, and doing my duty as a council member.  I simply don't think they'd get the satisfaction from me because my lack of caring about it would be frustrating.  I'd stick it out just to spite them.

I don't think there's anything wrong with that attitude!  I guess for me it would depend on what confronting the snobbery could fix.  In this case, it sounds like the officer's post was a done deal, so no use kicking up a fuss and trying to oust someone else.  But questioning thee this wouldn't be impolite.

ETA:  this post definitely struck a nerve in me because there is a group of "mean girls" at work that do exactly this.  For example, they will all wear the same obscure shirt on a Friday, just to make sure people know they are a group and you are not part of it.  Nothing frustrates them more than when people ignore their displays of groupiness.  A position at stake is not the same thing, but I see a similar dynamic.

[LEMon]

Sounds like the financial issue might well have been the reason she was not selected.  It might well be a "thank your lucky stars you weren't involved" situation.

By remaining polite, she looked good to everyone.

[sweetonsno]

Hmm. The impulse to go and yell at the HOA strikes me as a bit drama queen, to be honest. Yes, it's disappointing to not be picked for the team, especially if you thought you would be the most obvious candidate. However, since the aunt wasn't privy to the decision-making process, it seems unlikely that she would know that it was a case of the association dissing her.

In my HOA, people generally decide whether they want to be a candidate and will say a few words at the yearly meeting. Then, the members vote. If that's the case for this woman's committee, then winning the popular vote could happen for any number of arbitrary reasons (the other guy's voice was annoying, people preferred the way she was dressed, the winner had a more confident/competent "vibe". . . ). In nominating and electing a replacement, the  committee probably looked at individual qualifications, previous involvement in committees, etc.

I guess that I don't understand why this lady feels like she was snubbed. I understand that in previous cases, the committee sometimes selected the next person on the list, but I really don't see any particular evidence that the deviation was a deliberate insult. It sounds like the election of replacement officers is closed (that is, committee members nominate and select someone rather than presenting it to the entire HOA), so I don't see how the aunt should have "had a chance." (Who knows? Someone may have nominated her and the others decided another person would be better.) The main miss, I think, was not informing her one way or the other. Everyone on the HOA should have been told that an officer had quit and that a new one would be elected. When the replacement was selected, the committee should have made a general announcement.

To answer your general questions at the end, I think that being gracious is always best, but that it is fine to request clarification about why you weren't selected. Unless you have good reasons to think that someone was being discriminatory or otherwise unfair, it's best to frame it in a "What should I do to be more attractive as a candidate if a similar opportunity presents itself in the future?" kind of way.

[TootsNYC]

I think she handled it really well.  Sometimes (and IMO lots of times), people who are actively snubbing others love the rush of power when they are confronted or questioned about their snubbing and can play it off like it's all innocence and light.  There seems to be a special joy in letting others know they are not "in" and taking steps, when the opportunity arises, to prove how NOT IN they are.

If there were an impartial group aunt could have asked about how the replacement was handled, I would say go for it.  In this situation, it seems like snubbing for the sake of a power play.  All aunt would have accomplished is letting snubbers know they had achieved their goal.

And sometimes the resulting drama is just not worth it. Are you REALLY going to change the situation? No. Did the HOA board REALLY do anything wrong? No, actually--I would be the bylaws say they're not required to notify people about the resignation, and they do have the authority to make the decision.

It's also possible there's something about the aunt that made everyone feel that she wouldn't be the best person for the board--she DID lose, after all, and just because she was interested doesn't mean that she should get the spot. (Her expressed desire to go yell at the board might indicate that this is the case; however, her decision to not confront people and to move make that much less likely. We will never be in a position to know.)

Regardless, I think the best thing is to say, "What is in my best interests? Will I gain anything good by confronting/asking/etc.? Or will I lose something--or worse, gain something bad?"

I live in a small co-op, which is much like an HOA (sometimes worse--and more powerful). Sometimes it's just not worth the years of snark that will result from a confrontation on something like this. And if the snub was deliberate (at least w/ my group), then even a POLITE question (how can I be a more attractive candidate in the future?) will result in pointed aside as meetings for years. Until well after I moved out, in fact (we still here them about people who don't even live here).

[Shoo]

Yelling or staying silent aren't the only options when things like this happen.  Your aunt could have calmly asked them why the replacement was handled that way, she could have expressed her disappointment in the way they did it, etc.

This.

I would have spoken up, but that doesn't mean I would have yelled.

I would have, too.  At the very next HOA meeting where it would have to be included in the Meeting Minutes and be a part of the official record.

Your aunt behaved admirably.

[TootsNYC]

friend's aunt

[CluelessBride]

I guess that I don't understand why this lady feels like she was snubbed. I understand that in previous cases, the committee sometimes selected the next person on the list, but I really don't see any particular evidence that the deviation was a deliberate insult.

I agree with this.  I don't see anything to indicate she was being snubbed. Maybe she was passed over because they didn't feel she was the best candidate. Just because they often appoint the runner-up, doesn't mean they have to.  As long as they followed whatever by-laws are in place (and it sounds like they did) then it wasn't a snub. Complaining to the HOA about not getting elected/appointed, even politely, sounds like sour grapes. And would make me never vote for the complainer.

So I think your friend's aunt was wise to ignore. In the case where someone is actually being snubbed (for example, not being invited to neighborhood wide events that HOA dues are funding), then I think it is okay to politely stand up for yourself.

[Bijou]

A good friend of mine has an aunt who got snubbed by her HOA. Three years ago she ran for an officer position. She lost. That year one of the officers dropped out a couple of months after the election. the official policy is that the officers have to select a candidate and vote on that person. If the person gets the majority, they are in. If not, they get rejected and they find another candidate. It is completely at their discretion.

What usually happens is that they select the person who lost but was closest in getting elected as the replacement. That was my friend's aunt. Instead they chose a replacement. And no one knew about it until it was done. My friend's aunt was upset since she actually supported the HOA officers and they did not bother to even give her a chance or even tell her in person. A year later she moved out. It was for the best because she heard that a scandal involving the officers was brewing over finances.

My friend is actually quite proud of her aunt because her aunt wanted to confront them and yell at them for snubbing her, but her aunt just kept it cool and let it go. When she ran into them she was always polite to them. I am impressed by what she did. In this situation, it was probably best for her not to yell at them because they would have made her life miserable.

But is only ignoring it the best way of being snubbed? Is there a time when you have to speak up?

Do the bylaws specify how a vacancy will be filled?  If they say she, as the next highest in votes, be appointed she could say something about it, but otherwise, it would probably be pointless. 

[LifeOnPluto]

While it may be "normal practice" for the runner-up to be nominated as the new candidate, it doesn't sound like this was an actual rule, right? So on that basis, the HOA did nothing wrong in picking someone else.

I think your aunt did the right thing by keeping quiet.

[johelenc1]

I don't understand the problem.  The aunt ran for election.  She lost.  When a position opened up, the board selected a replacement (which they were within their rights to do).  For whatever reason, the Board chose not to select Aunt.  Who had lost.  I don't see how in any way this is snubbing the aunt or any cause at all for Aunt to get to say anything to anyone.  What it could indicate is that Aunt was either 1) not well liked, 2) not believed to be able to perform the position, or 3) not in the "in" group.

Either way, Aunt has no standing to complain at all.