Who's Ticket Should I Cover?

[DaDancingPsych]

A coworker “Jan” and I have developed a bit of a friendship outside of work. We chat on Facebook every other day and have dinner or go to a concert about once a month. We get along nicely with all of our coworkers, but Jan and I have developed a much deeper relationship than I have with any others. I keep our outings quiet at work, although I have heard Jan mention it in front of others once. I am not trying to hurt anyone's feelings, plus if they wanted to develop a friendship outside of work hours, I wouldn't reject the idea. I have just never been invited to anything with anyone else.

Another coworker “Melanie” is performing in a concert and has been actively advertising amongst all the coworkers. Melanie has these shows once or twice a year and no one has ever suggested that I attend with them (in fact, I don’t think any of my coworkers have ever attended). But I have always wanted to see the show. So, this time around, I invited Jan to attend with me, as my treat, and she excitedly accepted. I have not told Melanie that we are going (partly because we currently work different days), but apparently Jan did, because she came to me with a way to get discount tickets.

I was approached by a third coworker “Emma”. Emma learned that Jan and I were attending (I believe from Jan) and she wanted to know if she could tag along. I said that I would need to speak with Jan. I am slightly upset that Jan would mention an outing to Emma when she wasn’t invited (we know here, that that is rude), but I suppose it’s possible that Emma overheard Jan telling Melanie that we are attending. (I have no problem with Melanie knowing; she’s going to find out anyways!) And while I like Emma and actually don’t mind that she joins us, I am slightly upset that she basically invited herself (again, we know that that is rude). But I am trying to go with the flow and not get too hung up on the details.

My problem is with the purchase of the tickets. While I offered to pay Jan’s ticket, I never offered to pay Emma’s. (In fact, Emma did mention that she would pay me back.) I really can’t afford to cover all three tickets (mine, Jan’s, and Emma’s) and I am slightly concerned that other coworkers will find out and that this outing is going to grow in size… covering four or five tickets will completely blow my budget!!! So, my etiquette question involves tickets. If Emma ends up joining us, do I need to offer to pay her ticket? I don’t mind paying for Jan’s ticket, but I worry that it will get out that I paid for her and then Emma (and maybe others) will be upset. I also don’t want to back out of paying for Jan’s, because this could put her in situation where she can’t afford to attend at all. Plus, I asked her to attend as my guest. How would you handle this situation?

[charlatan]

You have asked only Jan to be your guest. If it turns out that others join you through various means, they won't be your guests and therefore you will not be expected to pay for them.

I would be surprised if others expected you to pay for them anyway. My circle is a bit more casual in that we don't think it would be wrong to hear about an event, think it sounds like fun and ask the originators if they minded if others also went, but we would fully expect to pay for ourselves. That's a friend situation rather than a coworker situation, though, so I know your situation is a bit more complex.

[Hmmmmm]

There is no reason you should expect to pay for Emma's ticket or that she would expect you to. And her using the phrase "tagging along" would imply to me that she doesn't expect you to pay for her ticket, just interested in going and happy to have some companions.

I understand being a little miffed that Jan would invite Emma without clearing it with you.  But since you guys are going to see a co-worker in a performance I can see where she might have thought it was ok to mention to other co-workers you are planning to attend.

If your ok with Emma going, tell her you'll order the tickets and let her know the final cost once you pick them up. Or you can tell her the cost of the tickets and ask her to give you the money before you purchase them.

[JenJay]

Emma mentioned that she'd pay you back? So she assumed you'd buy her ticket up front? I bet she's thinking the tickets need to be purchased together to ensure the seats are together. I'd let her know that you can't afford to buy her ticket but if she wants to make sure the seats are together she can meet up with you when you purchase yours and Jan's and get hers at the same time or she can give you the money up front (if you're comfortable with that) and you'll get all three.

Don't worry about the potential awkwardness of paying for Jan but nobody else, it's none of their business.

[Dalek]

I would just tell Emma you need the money up front since you don't want to put all 3 tickets on your credit card. I wouldn't think she would expect you to pay for her ticket. For all she knows, Jan's ticket is you returning a favor to her, birthday gift, etc.

[WillyNilly]

Wow.  I think you are nt only over thinking this, but assigning rudeness where there is none.

You offered to cover Jan.  That's cool, and generous.  And that's where it stops.  Emma wasn't asking for you to buy her ticket (at least not in the sense of pay for it, she might want you to buy in a block so you all sit together) and Emma WAS NOT RUDE to ask to tag along.  Yeah I yelled.  If you were in front of me I might have shook your shoulders or slammed a table to emphasize.  I am so taken aback that you just automatically think we all agree that Emma being a normal human being trying to make friends in away you admit you would welcome but never bother to do is not normal or polite.  Its so normal it hurts me intellectually you think this is rude thing for Emma to do.

Just be discreet about paying for Jan's ticket, which should be astoundingly easy, and then for goodness sake be gracious and nice to Emma, who is only trying to be friendly and not attend her co-worker's event solo, but rather with some other co-workers who are also gong.

[cass2591]

^Whoa. Holy overreaction. WIlly Nilly, back off with the  snark. There is a way to diplomatically get your point across without resorting to yelling or downright nastiness.

[DaDancingPsych]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. It is good to know that several people would not find inappropriate that I only pay for Jan's ticket. I don't have any issues with being the individual purchasing the tickets, as I do feel that Emma would pay me back. I was just concerned that it would come out that I had covered Jan's ticket and this would be judged as unkind to Emma.

Wow.  I think you are nt only over thinking this, but assigning rudeness where there is none.

You offered to cover Jan.  That's cool, and generous.  And that's where it stops.  Emma wasn't asking for you to buy her ticket (at least not in the sense of pay for it, she might want you to buy in a block so you all sit together) and Emma WAS NOT RUDE to ask to tag along.  Yeah I yelled.  If you were in front of me I might have shook your shoulders or slammed a table to emphasize.  I am so taken aback that you just automatically think we all agree that Emma being a normal human being trying to make friends in away you admit you would welcome but never bother to do is not normal or polite.  Its so normal it hurts me intellectually you think this is rude thing for Emma to do.

Just be discreet about paying for Jan's ticket, which should be astoundingly easy, and then for goodness sake be gracious and nice to Emma, who is only trying to be friendly and not attend her co-worker's event solo, but rather with some other co-workers who are also gong.

I am not sure that I agree with your conclusion based on my e-Hell education, hence my assumption (which please forgive me for doing so, as obviously everyone does not agree.) However, my understanding of the etiquette is that it is rude to invite oneself to something. I have no problem that Emma wants to make friends and, in fact, I would welcome a deeper relationship with her. However, my understanding of e-Hell’s advice is that she should have found a way to invite Jan and me (or just me or just Jan) to socialize outside of work. But I am always open to learning more about etiquette and reshaping my understanding... no yelling needed. All this said, I’m not angry at Emma nor do I plan to be rude or cold to her. I plan to be just the opposite. However, I posted here not to judge Emma’s behavior, but rather to ensure that I was doing the most gracious thing in the payment department. And I do thank you for your thoughts with that!

[WillyNilly]

I don't think it was Emma inviting herself in the traditional sense because this is an event that Melanie is inviting all to, and that you and Jan are being open about attending, and that you yourself say you would have enjoyed attending in the past if other co-workers were going to.  It was hardly a private outing kept quiet by you and Jan.  Emma asking to go with you was akin to her walking up to your lunch table in the company cafeteria and saying "hi, can I sit with you?"

She wasn't inviting herself over to your house for dinner (which would be rude), she was asking to attend an open event along side you.

[TurtleDove]

Another coworker “Melanie” is performing in a concert and has been actively advertising amongst all the coworkers.

This is the important part, for me.  Emma did not invite herself to your "date" with Jan.  Emma heard you were going to an event she was also invited to (in the same way you were) and asked if you could attend together.  Even if you said, "Absolutely not, Emma, we don't want you to come to the concert with us," Emma would still be invited to the concert, she would just perhaps sit somewhere different.

Personally, I find it odd to offer to pay for Jan (unless I am missing the reason for this - I regularly treat my friends, but it's generally just a spur of the moment thing unless there is a reason like a birthday or something), but since you did, that is nice.  I don't see that Emma in any way implied that she expected you to pay for her ticket and I think you are absolutely fine not paying for it.

ETA I see WillyNilly posted essentially the same thing while I was typing!

[Rosewater]

Wow.  I think you are nt only over thinking this, but assigning rudeness where there is none.

You offered to cover Jan.  That's cool, and generous.  And that's where it stops.  Emma wasn't asking for you to buy her ticket (at least not in the sense of pay for it, she might want you to buy in a block so you all sit together) and Emma WAS NOT RUDE to ask to tag along.  Yeah I yelled.  If you were in front of me I might have shook your shoulders or slammed a table to emphasize.  I am so taken aback that you just automatically think we all agree that Emma being a normal human being trying to make friends in away you admit you would welcome but never bother to do is not normal or polite.  Its so normal it hurts me intellectually you think this is rude thing for Emma to do.

Just be discreet about paying for Jan's ticket, which should be astoundingly easy, and then for goodness sake be gracious and nice to Emma, who is only trying to be friendly and not attend her co-worker's event solo, but rather with some other co-workers who are also gong.

How on earth is it not terribly rude to go up to someone, put them on the spot and ask to tag along to a privately planned activity to which one was not invited?  By this line of thinking I should just ask people if I can attend their weddings, private parties and restaurant outings, never-mind the fact that I wasn't included in the first place and my asking puts them in a terribly position. 

It is rude to put people awkwardly on the spot and attempt to insulate yourself into activities to which you were not invited in the first place.  If people wanted to include a certain person then they would have done so from the beginning.

It is unseemly to horn in on the privately planned activities of others.  If the one person just wanted to be friendly then she should have extended her own invitation to an activity to foster that friendship.  Her actions of inviting herself along may have the opposite effect of dampening interest in having a friendship with her.

[Deetee]

In this situation where a coworker is performing and has advertised this to other co-workers, I would think it is fine to invite oneself along. I see it more as the performer issuing the invite and any other co-workers can come. At almost every place I have worked at, those sorts of invites are "open".

As for paying, you can ask for money up front and then get a block of tickets together or collect money after. (I've generally done the money after and have never been burned-it also means that I know the actual price with taxes and discounts and box office fees. I just make sure I've got change ) There is no reason you would pay for anyone else so just ask for money. No-one needs to know you paid for two tickets.

[Sharnita]

I agree, all coworkers are being invited. This doesn't strike me as a private  event.

[WillyNilly]

Wow.  I think you are nt only over thinking this, but assigning rudeness where there is none.

You offered to cover Jan.  That's cool, and generous.  And that's where it stops.  Emma wasn't asking for you to buy her ticket (at least not in the sense of pay for it, she might want you to buy in a block so you all sit together) and Emma WAS NOT RUDE to ask to tag along.  Yeah I yelled.  If you were in front of me I might have shook your shoulders or slammed a table to emphasize.  I am so taken aback that you just automatically think we all agree that Emma being a normal human being trying to make friends in away you admit you would welcome but never bother to do is not normal or polite.  Its so normal it hurts me intellectually you think this is rude thing for Emma to do.

Just be discreet about paying for Jan's ticket, which should be astoundingly easy, and then for goodness sake be gracious and nice to Emma, who is only trying to be friendly and not attend her co-worker's event solo, but rather with some other co-workers who are also gong.

How on earth is it not terribly rude to go up to someone, put them on the spot and ask to tag along to a privately planned activity to which one was not invited?  By this line of thinking I should just ask people if I can attend their weddings, private parties and restaurant outings, never-mind the fact that I wasn't included in the first place and my asking puts them in a terribly position. 

It is rude to put people awkwardly on the spot and attempt to insulate yourself into activities to which you were not invited in the first place.  If people wanted to include a certain person then they would have done so from the beginning.

It is unseemly to horn in on the privately planned activities of others.  If the one person just wanted to be friendly then she should have extended her own invitation to an activity to foster that friendship.  Her actions of inviting herself along may have the opposite effect of dampening interest in having a friendship with her.

Because Emma was invited.  By Melanie.  Exactly the same as OP and Jan.  Emma only asked to go along with OP and Jan and sit with them.  But either way Emma was invited to go, it was not a private outing like a restaurant dinner, or a wedding or a private party.

[DaDancingPsych]

I don't think it was Emma inviting herself in the traditional sense because this is an event that Melanie is inviting all to, and that you and Jan are being open about attending, and that you yourself say you would have enjoyed attending in the past if other co-workers were going to.  It was hardly a private outing kept quiet by you and Jan.  Emma asking to go with you was akin to her walking up to your lunch table in the company cafeteria and saying "hi, can I sit with you?"

She wasn't inviting herself over to your house for dinner (which would be rude), she was asking to attend an open event along side you.

This clarification makes more sense and your delivery is much more appreciated. In fact, I find myself more on the fence now. Thank you for wording things this way.

Personally, I find it odd to offer to pay for Jan (unless I am missing the reason for this - I regularly treat my friends, but it's generally just a spur of the moment thing unless there is a reason like a birthday or something), but since you did, that is nice.  I don't see that Emma in any way implied that she expected you to pay for her ticket and I think you are absolutely fine not paying for it.

I am not sure that the reasons for my offer are important, but my friendship with Jan is close enough that I have a little insight to her financial situation and the clues lead me to believe that I may have more "spending cash". When I saw the price of the tickets, even my eyeballs went a little out of socket. I could have simply invited her and let her make the call as to whether or not this was in her budget, but I decided that paying for her ticket was worth having her company. So, I offered.