Friend does not get "ladies only"

[PennyandPleased]

I’ve posted before about my friend “Sarah” who, when invited to a “girls night”, always brought her (male) fiancé. No matter how blunt I have told her “no men allowed at girls night” she shows up with him.
 
I should add that Sarah is not friends with any of the other girls who are in my group of friends, she just knows me, although she is facebook friends with most of them.
 
Since the incident at my house where we did a girls night in and she brought him, I have given her 2 more chances to come to our girls night and she brought the fiancé. One was at my house, the other at a restaurant. The 2 events were in the same week and I had invited her ahead of time and again told her outright “no significant others/men were invited”. She would always say “okay sounds great” as if she understood that it was ladies only and then showed up with him.
 
At these girls events Sarah and her fiancé seemed 100% oblivious to the fact that none of the other women brought their significant others and she never said a word about it. After these two recent events she would text me the next day and gush about how much fun she had and how she loved hanging out with us etc. I didn’t respond to the text after the first event but after the second I responded with “I am glad that you had a great time, but we wish we could have kept it ladies only though. We don’t invite our husbands and boyfriends to our girls nights” She responded back with “I can’t wait to go back to that restaurant, it was delicious”.
 
After the last offense the other women at the event were pretty peeved that Sarah had brought her fiancé and I agreed. Since then we have not been inviting her out with us. (We do a girls ‘thing’ about 3 -5 times per month). Thanks to the evil’s of facebook it usually gets made public that we are all out together.
 
Last night one of the girls posted a group photo of us out over the weekend. This morning Sarah texted me: “Oh did you all go to “Fancy Bar”? I wish I could have come, I heard it is a great place. I had so much fun the last time we all went out. Let me know next time you go out, you all seem to go out often. I love hanging out with your friends, I miss having girlfriends close by”.
 
I don’t know how to respond or handle this situation. There are 12 of us total that go out and do our girls night – 10 of those women are married/engaged/have a boyfriend. It’s never an issue for them to make it out without the men folk. I do really like Sarah and like hanging out with her and her fiancé very much. But my friends and I have been doing our girls nights since high school/college and it’s a wonderful time and I don’t feel like we should have to compromise that for one person.
 
I have not responded to Sarah yet and I do not know how. Thoughts? Help?

[Two Ravens]

Maybe you could say, "Oh, Sarah, we were all having a girls night, no men allowed! We know how you don't like to  go out without Bob. But I'll let you know the next time we have a couples night."

Perhaps that would give her the chance to say she can leave Bob at home.

[lowspark]

I have no problem with honesty. It's not rude to tell someone the truth, it's only rude if you say it, well, rudely.

Sarah, I'd love to invite you to girls' night out as I have in the past but since you don't respect the fact that they are specifically "ladies only" the group has decided that they are no longer comfortable with me inviting you. Maybe we can go to “Fancy Bar” together with the guys sometime. Please feel free to organize that as I'd love to join you!

[Black Delphinium]

Offer to pick her up, then only unlock the one car door? 

[WillyNilly]

I think you need to be blunt with her "Sarah, you won't be invited again.  While we really like you, when we have 'girls nights' it means girls only.  I've spoken to you about this before, and yet you have consistently brought your fiance.  He is not a female, and while he's a nice enough guy, he is not welcome.  Since you can't respect our plans we cannot include you."

[Deetee]

If she is close enough, I vote for blunt.However, it sounds like you have been clear with the invites and the follow up so you would need to go with sledgehammer blunt.  "Sarah, when we get together it is girl's night only. You brought your fiance to the last three girls nights events, even when I told you before and after the event that we don't do that. We like to get together with just us girls and none of our significant others. As you don't like to come out by yourself we have stopped inviting you to these events."

But, if I wasn't close, I would just stop inviting her to the girls event and invite to the other events. You could also say "Oh that bar? Yes, that was a girl's night and I know you don't like those as you want to be with your fiance. We'll let you know if  we go as a group with boys."

Basically make it clear that it isn't that you don't invite her as that she did not accept the invitation as offered.

[Outdoor Girl]

'Sarah, on three separate occasions, I invited you to a Ladies Night, specifically telling you that men were not welcome.  On all three of those occasions, you brought your fiance.  As a result, you are no longer being invited to any Ladies Night events.  If you want to go out with us on those nights, you must leave your fiance at home.  No ifs, ands or buts.  Or you can organize your own event and invite whomever you please.  I'd be happy to go out with you and your fiance any time.  Just not when it is Ladies Night.'

I don't see anything wrong with being blunt with the clueless.  You don't want to exclude her; she's excluding herself by her actions.

[Lynn2000]

I like Two Ravens's wording. That seems like a very tactful way to handle it.

Since you've mentioned to Sarah directly that bringing Bob to ladies-only events is unwanted, I think you could say to her more bluntly, "You brought Bob to girls' nights three times even though I asked you not to. We couldn't be sure you wouldn't bring him again, therefore, we haven't invited you to these events." Honestly, if she has ignored invitation wording and follow-ups so blithely, it seems to me that this isn't a case of cluelessness but rather deliberately doing what she shouldn't. I'm sure we will all start to speculate on why quite soon. But regardless of the reason I think your decision to stop inviting her was correct, and I see no reason not to lay that out for her, since she is asking for future invitations. Action, consequences.

[bah12]

I don't think you need to handle this.  You aren't required to invite everyone to everything.  She's only friends with you and doesn't seem to understand/care/acknowledge that she's doing something that the rest of you asked her, repeatedly, not to do.  So, continue to not invite her to girls' night and don't answer her when she says to let her know 'next time.'

If she ever asks "why aren't you inviting me?" Then, yes, tell her the truth.  "We dont' invite you because you keep bringing your fiance to girls' night.  He's not invited and we asked you not to bring repeatedly, but you do it anyway."

[siamesecat2965]

I don't think you need to handle this.  You aren't required to invite everyone to everything.  She's only friends with you and doesn't seem to understand/care/acknowledge that she's doing something that the rest of you asked her, repeatedly, not to do.  So, continue to not invite her to girls' night and don't answer her when she says to let her know 'next time.'

If she ever asks "why aren't you inviting me?" Then, yes, tell her the truth.  "We dont' invite you because you keep bringing your fiance to girls' night.  He's not invited and we asked you not to bring repeatedly, but you do it anyway."

I like this approach. she hasn't yet asked why she wasn't invited, only commented that she'd love to go to fancy far, and how much she enjoys hanging out with the group. I'd only bring it up and be blunt if she specifically asks why you don't invite her out anymore. But for now, I'd let it be.

[snowdragon]

Is Sara like this with other boundaries? Does she violate them all the time because that would significantly change my response.  But I would never invite her to another girl's night again. I am not sure if this were me if I'd invite her anywhere for a long time to come.

[rose red]

At these girls events Sarah and her fiancé seemed 100% oblivious to the fact that none of the other women brought their significant others and she never said a word about it. After these two recent events she would text me the next day and gush about how much fun she had and how she loved hanging out with us etc. I didn’t respond to the text after the first event but after the second I responded with “I am glad that you had a great time, but we wish we could have kept it ladies only though. We don’t invite our husbands and boyfriends to our girls nights” She responded back with “I can’t wait to go back to that restaurant, it was delicious”.

The bold burns me up and makes me suspect she knows what she's doing and know how wrong she is.  Like PPs suggested, I would not say anything for now because she'll just ignore you anyway.  Simply continue to not invite her to girls night out.  Be completely honest if/when she directly ask about it.

edited for spelling.

[EmmaJ.]

Similar thing happened with my group of 8 women - Millie couldn't find a babysitter and so brought her toddler to one of our dinners.   Changed the whole tenor of our evening, but we all understood and thought it was a one-time thing.

She brought him again for the next meet up, which raised eyebrows but no one said anything.  But when it happened a third time, one of my friends spoke to Millie about it.  She got very defensive, saying "but he's no trouble!" and "everyone loves my son!".  Well yes, all true, but we are trying to get away from kids (and husbands) for a couple hours.

She refused to leave him at home so we dropped her from our ladies night out email list, but kept her on for the family-type parties. 

[oopsie]

At these girls events Sarah and her fiancé seemed 100% oblivious to the fact that none of the other women brought their significant others and she never said a word about it. After these two recent events she would text me the next day and gush about how much fun she had and how she loved hanging out with us etc. I didn’t respond to the text after the first event but after the second I responded with “I am glad that you had a great time, but we wish we could have kept it ladies only though. We don’t invite our husbands and boyfriends to our girls nights” She responded back with “I can’t wait to go back to that restaurant, it was delicious”.

The bold burns me up and makes me suspect she knows what she's doing and know how wrong she is.  Like PPs suggested, I would not say anything for now because she'll just ignore you anyway.  Simply continue to not invite her to girls night out.  Be completely honest if/when she directly ask about it.

edited for spelling.

POD.

[weeblewobble]

Excluding her from the group is a good step.  She didn't listen to your reasonable requests.  There are natural consequences to that.  She can either abide by the wishes of the group or she can spend ALL of her time with her fiance. 

When she asks, I think I would say, "Sarah, we've asked you to not to bring your fiance with you on ladies nights and you bring him anyway.  Since you seem to prefer his company, we thought you'd be more comfortable at home with him."