Re: Thoughts, please. For an 80th bday party. UPDATE #24

[cicero]

just one more thought about the slide show - keep it short

I'm not sure what the optimum number of minutes is (it used to be 7 minutes before people started to get bored), but don't make it too long.

I've used movie maker for a slide show - it was very easy to use, you can play around with the transitions, add music etc.

[Kiara]

I agree with the PP that I would absolutely not do it during the winter because of weather concerns.  Summer break would probably be easier to make sure everyone's there.

On the slideshow...if you wanted to make it longer, didn't someone suggest on here once that you just leave it running on a loop at one end of the room?  That way people can just look when they want to rather than being captive.

[onyonryngs]

I think it should be held close to the actual date otherwise it's just a party to celebrate her, not her birthday.

[Lynn2000]

I agree with the PP that I would absolutely not do it during the winter because of weather concerns.  Summer break would probably be easier to make sure everyone's there.

On the slideshow...if you wanted to make it longer, didn't someone suggest on here once that you just leave it running on a loop at one end of the room?  That way people can just look when they want to rather than being captive.

Re: the slideshow, I was just picturing it as a running loop, not anything people had to sit and watch. Kind of like a book or document they could browse at their leisure, or choose to ignore in favor of conversation etc.. If it's a running loop, longer would be more interesting (to a point).

[Mikayla]

Beth is the one that brought up the idea, so I'm differing to her as hostess. I will offer suggestions,

(snip)

How should I approach this idea since Beth already said she wanted to do something out of the Christmas schedule?

In a way, these are kind of mutually exclusive   But it struck me because I totally agree with Lynn2000 that this needs one organizer, so the issue is what types of suggestions are ok. 

I think a lot depends on Beth's personality and *how* she came up with the T-giving plan.  Was this by default, or does she have a specific reason why she wanted to avoid Christmas? 

I'd think you could at least toss the idea out in a way that makes it clear it had just occurred to you it might be easier.  But she might have a valid reason.  The one obvious plus for T-giving is the captive audience thing.  Most likely, everyone will be available on Friday/Saturday of that weekend.  Maybe the same can't be said for the week following Christmas, or it would be more difficult to pin down a good date.

[jpcher]

I think a lot depends on Beth's personality and *how* she came up with the T-giving plan.  Was this by default, or does she have a specific reason why she wanted to avoid Christmas? 

I think the T-giving plan was brought up simply because MIL and all her children and grandchildren will be here (in Chicago) for T-giving weekend anyway. (It's a long standing tradition that Beth hosts.)

I get the feeling that Beth really wants to have the party here.

[Margo]

No matter where the party is, some people are going to have to travel. No matter when the party is, someone is not going to be able to make it. I think you need to accept these things, and plan around them. I would make the guiding principle be what is easiest for MIL and what she would most likely want. Whoever is planning this is going to hear a lot of, "But X would be better for me and my family." It's good to have a stock response for this sort of thing, "Yes, I understand that. But this party is for MIL and this is what would work best for *her*."

Location: I'd make it the location that is easiest for MIL. St. Louis would be my first choice, with Chicago second, since she does visit there. St. Louis also wins because it seems like a lot of the "really want them there" people live there.

Guests: Make a list of the people who *have* to be there, the people you really want to be there, and everyone else. The date/time/location has to work for the first group of people. Everyone else, you have to be prepared to tell them how sorry you are that they won't be able to join you. You might have to practice hardening your heart on this one. But the larger the group, the more the planners have to make a plan and stick with it. Frequent changes will wreak havoc with all the other guests.

Timing: The week around Christmas seems best to me, because all the various college-aged relations (who are on the "must be there" list) will be off school. It's also far enough away that people can negotiate with their workplaces to arrange time off. And it is close to her actual birthday.

I'm with Cicero on not making this a complete surprise. Maybe tell her it's a special dinner out with some of the family, and surprise her with all the other guests. That's what we did for my father's 70th birthday. He thought it was dinner with the family, but we invited old college and Army buddies, all his siblings and their spouses and children, close friends--I think there were about 80 people.

We also asked everyone who was invited to contribute a story or photograph about Dad. We had a large scrapbook made up, with all the stories and pictures--he loved it. Several of the people invited who couldn't make the party were able to call him during the party--he heard from Army buddies he'd only exchanged Christmas cards with for the last 40 years.

I agree with all of this.

I wouldn't make it a surprise party, but I think that is a 'know your audience' thing. And if the party is a surprise, tell her you're taking her out to dinner at a nice restaurant, or to get pictures taken for all the family, or something else that she'd dress up for.

I'd find it odd to be invited to celebrate someone's birthday months away from the actual date, so I'd go for a date during the christmas period (which should allow the grandchildren who are in college to get there)

What would she like ?

When my grandmother turned 80, we had a big family party - her children, sons-in-law, grandchildren, and 2 or three 'honorary nieces'  - she didn't want anything big. It was a surprise in that she thought that two of her daughters and their families were going to be there - she thought she was seeing half of us one weekend and the other half the following weekend.

[kudeebee]

I think a lot depends on Beth's personality and *how* she came up with the T-giving plan.  Was this by default, or does she have a specific reason why she wanted to avoid Christmas? 

I think the T-giving plan was brought up simply because MIL and all her children and grandchildren will be here (in Chicago) for T-giving weekend anyway. (It's a long standing tradition that Beth hosts.)

I get the feeling that Beth really wants to have the party here.

So, why not do the party at Tgving for the family and the friends in Chicago?  Could a smaller party be held in St. Louis in January for the family that is there?  Not all the children would need to come to that party.

[Lindee]

For my MIL's 90th we had to travel to other nearby country but our children were unable to go (other side of the world, other country etc) but they each made short videos wishing her happy birthday and saying what they were up to and that went down very well. My brother in law put together a family photo slideshow of her early years and MIL really enjoyed adding an extra commentary as she recalled the circumstances of the photos.  BTW 90 lit candles melt into an inedible mess so it was lucky they were put on a "sacrificial cake" instead of the real one.

[jpcher]

Just thought I'd update you all . . . with a bit of whine, oh yeah, it's spelled wine.

A few other suggestions/ideas were thrown out in the past couple of months with nobody really coming together on one plan.

Beth talked to Favorite Cousin (FC) in St. Louis, in order to get ideas from the St. Louis clan. FC thought that doing something this summer would be way to early. Her comment made me laugh:

"You don't want to be wished a happy 80th birthday when you're still young! I know MIL would say 'I'm only 79-1/2! I'm not OLD yet! Don't rush me!' " This makes perfect sense to me.

FC said that she would gladly host a party next summer and threw out the idea of making it a party honoring all the 70+ yr. olds in the family (There are 4 people in their late 70's early 80's.) I think this is a great idea.

A party during Christmas week was nixed for several reasons. The main reason being that Beth and her DH spends T'giving with Beth's family and Christmas with DH's family, so Beth wouldn't be able to attend at that time. (What? You won't host a party that you can't attend? What's wrong with you?  )



Beth sent out an e-mail a couple of days ago saying that she thought the best solution would be for the sibs/grandkids to take MIL out for dinner at an upscale restaurant on Saturday after T'giving. She said that she wouldn't be able to foot the bill for everybody and hoped that we would be able to pay for our own families along with chipping in for MIL.

Beth extended the invitation to boyfriends/girlfriends of the grandchildren (oh, and my date if I wish to bring one.) She asked for restaurant/menu preferences (seafood, steak, Chinese, etc.) and, again, specified her wish for a classy, dress up type of venue.

She doesn't plan on inviting anybody but the immediate family. Just "us" equals 14 people. Add in BF/GF's it could go up to 19 people.

In closing Beth said "I'm hoping this works for everybody. I'm really looking forward to all of us getting together for a special party to celebrate Mom's 80th bday. P.S. If anybody has any budgetary constrictions, please let me know. I'll plan accordingly."

Bob responded quickly saying "Sounds like a great plan. I'll even be willing to splurge for the 95th floor.* Don't know if Son1 will be there, he's enlisting soon."

Haven't heard back from Bill yet.

I have no problem with all of the above (except bold ).



Now here's where we get out our glass of wine and quietly sip while sending me good-thought vibes.

I responded "This sounds great. Just wondering why you're thinking about Saturday instead of Friday? Or are we not doing the Friday-after thing?**"

Beth: Yes. We're definitely doing the Friday-after at Niece(her daughter's) new house. She's sooo looking forward to hosting the whole family. I'm not going to take that away from her. She's already planning the meal.

Me: Oh. That's right. I forgot about Niece's plans. We'll be there with bells on!


Take a sip of whine wine.

So now there are 3 days of fancy feasting with huge quantities of delicious food. Don't get me wrong, I love these people, but can only tolerate them in small doses. Even DD#1 said "Wait. We have to see Aunt(Bill's wife) 3 days in a row?" 



Another sip of wine.

All in all, do you think this sounds like a good plan for MIL's bday party?

Plus . . . please help me out of the "I really don't want to spend 3 days with these people" funk that I'm in.




Another sip of wine.

Thank you in advance for any advice/wisdom/help/strength you'll be willing to offer..
 




*http://www.signatureroom.com/


**Tradition is a 2-day feast. T'giving dinner is hosted at Beth's and Friday-after is traded off between hosting at my home or Bill's home. In the past, I've hosted Bob and his 2 sons for the weekend, but they usually leave for home on Saturday. I haven't heard yet if Bob and sons will be expecting to stay with me, nor have I extended an invitation. I probably should, shouldn't I?

[heartmug]

Wow, 3 days.  But you can do this once.  Just this once if you really enjoy your MIL.  (Go ahead, ship more wine.)   

Just because there will be feasting all three days doesn't mean anyone has to stuff themselves all three days.  Is MIL is general good health?  Will she love all this attention or will this be too much for her?

[GSNW]

Since other people are hosting, you can definitely limit your exposure here.  For example, you don't have to stay until the bitter end at Niece's place.  Attend, interact, head back to your hotel and get a massage or read a book.  Retreating is OK.

We did a slide show during my great-uncle's 90th this past year and he loved it, it was really moving.  So I tenth, eleventh that idea.  The mayor of Amarillo also popped in to give him a handshake and a letter of congratulations, which was awesome. 

[Lynn2000]

Re: Three days--I think it could be doable if you watch your "exposure" on each day. Saturday is just dinner, right? Granted, a special dinner, but it sounds like it will be at a restaurant, and only that one meal. Two hours would be plenty to devote to that, maybe a bit more if they get a special separate room. I don't know how long Thanksgiving or the Friday thing usually are; but even if the tradition is to spend "all day" at it, that doesn't mean you actually have to. Put in a few hours, then leave to go home/back to your hotel and decompress. That should help.

GSNW was thinking the same thing, but typed less, and faster.

[CrazyDaffodilLady]

My sister and I threw an 80th birthday party for my dad at the nursing home where he lives.  It was an open house on a Sunday from 2-6.  There were tons of snacks and desserts, but no meal.  We planned the party for six months!  We issued open invitations to the staff and residents of the nursing home, to the church Dad attended, to the college where he taught, and to every relative for whom we had an address.

To encourage relatives to come, I paid for accommodations at a moderately priced hotel and for meals for anyone who showed up at scheduled restaurants.  This was expensive (around $1,000 total), but I think a lot of relatives were able to come because of it.

Things that worked well:

- Display tables scattered throughout the room with a slide show, photo albums, some poster boards, cards sent ahead of time or brought to the party, etc. 
  TIP: Guests are much more interested in the displays if they and their families are part of the show.  One of our poster boards was a photo family tree going back to my great-great-grandfather.  Even the kids liked that.

- A relative who plays piano provided background music.  Just before the cake was brought out, we had everyone sing my dad’s favorite song, which segued into “Happy Birthday”. 

- We put disposable cameras on the tables and got a lot of fun photos from them.  Be sure to have one or more designated photographers and later ask guests for copies of any photos they took. 

What went disastrously wrong:

Two weeks before the party, an influenza epidemic swept through the nursing home.  We moved the party outside to avoid exposing the guests, especially children, to the flu.  A week away from the party, we weren’t sure that Dad would be well enough to attend.  He got much better about three days out . . . but the night before the party, he had a nasty fall. The morning of the party, we called everyone we could reach to cancel, but about 40 people, in addition to relatives, showed up.  Dad was not in good shape at the party, and we cut it short to avoid over-tiring him. 

Despite everything, Dad said the party was one of the best moments of his life. Afterwards, we put together a photo album for him, and we also put related cards and letters into a scrap book.  He treasures these.