Photoshop for online da[color=black]ting[/color] photos

[BuffaloFang]

Curious on the opinions here.

I have a friend trying out online dating.  We've been working on her profile, and I've been taking photos for her.  With these photos, I've been doing a bit of retouching (softening blemishes, whitening teeth, removing a couple of pounds, lightening the circles under the eyes, etc.).  Nothing to the point where you'd end up seeing the person in person and even know the photos were retouched - you'd just assume she had a good photo day.  (Or in this case, consistently good photo days). But if you saw the original photo you would know.

How unethical do you find this?  Is it rude to represent yourself with only edited photos? I figured it was fine since if she went out to a professional photographer to get a set taken, the same thing would happen.

[bah12]

Well, I think it depends.  I would assume that people sometimes post pictures that were professionally taken that are probably touched up.  I'd have no problem if they had a huge zit on their nose that you photoshopped out...that zit is not normally there.

But, if you are making your friend appear decades younger or significantly changing body proportions and weight appearance, then I don't think it's very ethical.

But ethics and etiquette are not the same...even if one plays into the other.

[onyonryngs]

I'd be ok with pretty much all but the weight retouching.  Is it really necessary and did she ask for these changes specifically?  They're going to see her, and I would be pretty ticked off with a friend who photoshopped me skinnier when I didn't specifically ask. 

[BuffaloFang]

It's not a significant amount of weight.  Basically the difference in appearance of standing up straight and slouching, or holding your arm hard against your side and holding it out.  About that much slimming.

She said she still wanted to look like her, but on a good day and said maybe 5 pounds taken off. Not retouching to the point that someone meeting friend would even know the photos had been retouched.

[TurtleDove]

I think this isn't about etiquette, but I wouldn't do anything other than maybe brightening the photo. This is assuming your friend is looking for a relationship offline at some point. Her dates will meet her and I would hate for their first reaction to be, "I expected someone thinner (or with clear skin, _____).

[QueenfaninCA]

I think anything beyond removing temporary blemishes (pimple that normally isn't there, strand of hair that got in the face, gash from cutting while shaving that day) is coming back to bite her sooner or later because upon meeting the date might feel deceived/lied to and not trust her.

[JenJay]

I would be okay with touching up anything that will be "fixed" by the time she meets someone in person (pimple, sunburn, bad haircut, etc) but not something permanent (teeth, size of body/ body parts, wrinkles, skin tone, etc.).

I've got things I'd be tempted to tweak but it seems like a bad way to start. What if we met and he seemed disappointed in something? I'd be hurt that he didn't like me "as is" and he'd be wondering what else I'd been dishonest about.

I hope she meets her dream man. 

[Tabby Uprising]

I think this isn't about etiquette, but I wouldn't do anything other than maybe brightening the photo. This is assuming your friend is looking for a relationship offline at some point. Her dates will meet her and I would hate for their first reaction to be, "I expected someone thinner (or with clear skin, _____).

I completely agree with TurtleDove.  I am strikingly un-photogenic. The camera does not love me.  It has a vendetta against me     So back when I did online dating, I realized that some guys probably screened me out on the basis of my photos whereas they might not have if they saw me in person.  It wasn't ideal, but it was my reality. 

However, there is nothing better in the world of blind dating then marching into a restaurant knowing that if the guy liked how I looked in my photos that he would be elated when he saw how I looked off-camera.  I had so much more confidence knowing I was looking my best and not concerned about being 5 pounds heavier/blemished/off-white smile, etc. 

So maybe some guys you never knew existed screen you out because you are 5 pounds heavier than they'd prefer.  Be yourself in all your everyday glory.  Because there are guys who will like you off-white teeth and all!  And their reactions when you walk into the room on your first date are utterly glorious! 

[WillyNilly]

I've done online dating (and therefore spoken with plenty of dates) and have many friends who have done online dating.  I think if 1 or 2 of 8+ photos are retouched minorly, that's ok.  I think removing a zit or fixing the lighting is ok.  The rest?  I consider it straight up lying.  Her teeth aren't that white, she doesn't stand straight, she slouches, etc - to present her as other then who she is, is to me presenting herself in the worst possible way not most attractive way, because she's showing her insecurities and her willingness to lie to cover her insecurities... not a great foundation for a relationship IMO.

[TurtleDove]

to present her as other then who she is, is to me presenting herself in the worst possible way not most attractive way, because she's showing her insecurities and her willingness to lie to cover her insecurities... not a great foundation for a relationship IMO.

Exactly this. 

[Yvaine]

However, there is nothing better in the world of blind dating then marching into a restaurant knowing that if the guy liked how I looked in my photos that he would be elated when he saw how I looked off-camera. 

Heh, I'm the same way. I cannot take a good photo. I always pull a dorky face subconsciously. Anyone who could tolerate my dorky pics would really like the real me! 

[WillyNilly]

However, there is nothing better in the world of blind dating then marching into a restaurant knowing that if the guy liked how I looked in my photos that he would be elated when he saw how I looked off-camera. 

Heh, I'm the same way. I cannot take a good photo. I always pull a dorky face subconsciously. Anyone who could tolerate my dorky pics would really like the real me! 

When I did online dating (met my DH on match!) I maxed out on photos, and made sure to have a few where I thought I looked bad.  Not terrible terrible, but you the ones where friends and family think you look nice but you look at yourself and think "oh.my.gosh. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! My hair is weird, I have a zit, do I have a double chin?!?! Why do I look so dorky?  How did I ever think that color worked for me?" Yeah I used at least a few of those.  Because I figured, hey, sometimes I do look like that.  I definitely put up more where I thought I looked good, but I was trying to show me as me.

And I had plenty of interest from guys.  Even though I was the wrong side of 30, and a bit chubby, and other flaws.
I'm sure plenty of guys rejected me - I never knew about it, because they rejected me in the privacy of their living rooms, or where ever.  Every guy I actually met in person complimented my looks.  And more then one even said they liked the dorky picture, that it made them think I came across as "down to earth" or "real", or "confident", and more then a few even thought I looked "cute" in the dork picture.

[blarg314]

There's a line between presenting a good picture, and lying. 

Wearing flattering clothing and makeup, using good lighting and a good angle for the photo, and so on are fair game. Odds are you're going to wear flattering clothing and makeup when you go on a date as well, even if you normally like more casual clothes.

Photoshopping out temporary defects (a zit, for example) or removing red-eye is also fine.  Smoothing out temporary bags from under the eyes is not too bad either.

But photoshopping out five pounds, yellow teeth and permanent under-eye bags goes over that line, unless the subject is going to lose five pounds, get a teeth whitening, and get rid of the under eye bags before she goes on a first date. It can backfire, when she goes on a date and the guy looks at her, gets this disappointed look on his face, and makes an excuse to leave. Better to not have him reply at all, even if it means you don't get as many responses.

[MariaE]

But photoshopping out five pounds, yellow teeth and permanent under-eye bags goes over that line, unless the subject is going to lose five pounds, get a teeth whitening, and get rid of the under eye bags before she goes on a first date. It can backfire, when she goes on a date and the guy looks at her, gets this disappointed look on his face, and makes an excuse to leave. Better to not have him reply at all, even if it means you don't get as many responses.

This is where I am at as well.

[NyaChan]

But photoshopping out five pounds, yellow teeth and permanent under-eye bags goes over that line, unless the subject is going to lose five pounds, get a teeth whitening, and get rid of the under eye bags before she goes on a first date. It can backfire, when she goes on a date and the guy looks at her, gets this disappointed look on his face, and makes an excuse to leave. Better to not have him reply at all, even if it means you don't get as many responses.

This is where I am at as well.

Here's what I go with also.