Arg. I didn't want this to turn into one of those threads where the OP keeps adding info to confirm the bias of their position, so I'll just get it out. DH likes chickpeas, but since their MOTHER never made anything with chickpeas in it, DH couldn't possibly like them. This has nothing to do with DH changing an established protocol.
1) "People" include a couple of guys at DH's work who saw him go from pastas and sandwiches to bento and remarked that DH doesn't like sushi. Someone else told him he can't eat a wrap because tortillas are wheat, but it was a corn one (not so good for wraps, btw). Another told him he must hate being stuck eating raw veggies now. DH has always preferred raw over cooked veg. Just silly things like that. DH calls them the Food Police sometimes. If it hadn't been for this incident, these comments wouldn't have even hit my radar.
2) DH and his brother are not close. We maintain a relationship for the sake of his father, but have never, in 23 years together, been invited to BIL's home for dinner (or any other meal for that matter). This is the first time we've had BIL over in at least a decade. We used to host BIL at about once a month and he never declined, but never reciprocated, so we just stopped inviting him. Lately our shared meals have either been at his father's home or at a restaurant of his father's choice and at most two or three times a year. Prior to my IL's divorce 90% of our shared meals were at my IL's and 90% of those were exactly the same. MIL is not a great cook, so DH had a reputation in his family of being "picky". She was not impressed he would eat my (fill-in-the-blank) and not hers. For years I had to listen to her say to him - You don't like this, you've never eaten that, don't you like my (whatever) better, tell your wife to learn to cook the things you like rather than that stuff, who makes (whatever) at home anyway, it's better in the restaurants.
3) This dinner was instigated by my BIL in order to get face time with DH so he could pressure DH into going with BIL and MIL on a trip to Europe this fall. A trip I'm specifically not invited on because it's for "family" only. When it became clear DH wasn't going to change his mind things turned sour. The whole set up was just that, a set up, and in hindsight we should have declined hosting. If it wasn't this then it would have been something else. BIL is MIL's enforcer and wanted to show DH that "Family knows best" and I'm not family. There's a whole other part about the timing of trip I won't get into now.
4) Another part was guilt, I think. DH suffered with extreme eczema his whole life. He used to have mittens taped to his hands at night and be wrapped in saran wrap to keep him from peeling his skin off. MIL was a nurse, but she never had him tested for allergies because she didn't believe in them. She's the kind of person who would sneak gluten into a meal to "prove" DH was lying/wrong/faking. I don't know that BIL saw DH's arms last time they were together back in January, but this time DH was in short sleeves and it was obvious the lesions and cracks were completely gone. It felt like BIL was angry that DH had changed for the better so he lashed out.
I thought I'd edited most of the toxicity out of the evening, but it obviously bled through. Perhaps that was the wrong way to go about it. I told DH that some of "The 'Lions" (as we refer to you) suggested he could have chosen a less aggressive phrase. He agreed, but assured me that compared to what he would have said a few years ago to someone dissing his wife, he felt he did very well.
If I can clear anything else up, please let me know.
