Etiquette School is in session! > "What an interesting assumption."

It has been decided. We're coming to your house.

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Coley:
I have posted several times about my mother and her narcissistic behavior. Well, here we go again. My mother invited DS and my brother's kids to see a show that is playing in MyTown next weekend. HerTown is about 45 minutes from OurTown. HisTown is two hours from MyTown. The day I agreed that DS could go, my mother replied that she would let me know about pick-up arrangements for the show. Today, I got an e-mail from my mother. Evidently, my mother and brother have decided that everyone will meet at my house. This is the first time I'm hearing about it. Here's the e-mail:

"The show starts at 7:00 p.m. on Friday.  (Brother) and  the kids plan to arrive at your house by 6:30. I'll arrive about that time also to use his van to take everybody.  He may be contacting you to see what your plans are for the evening."

Oh. So, not only are they all coming here for pick-up, it sounds like we also may be entertaining my brother for the evening.

Now, I wouldn't mind this arrangement if I had been asked or if there had been some discussion about the best way to pick up the kids. Instead, I am told that this is how it will be. Isn't this an interesting assumption?

gramma dishes:
I'm a little puzzled here.

Grandma is taking your own son and your brother's kids to a show.  Just Grandma and the children, no other adults.

If brother has to drive such a long distance to get his kids there, how did you think the group was all going to get together since the show is in your town?  I think I would sort of have assumed that they'd all be meeting at my house.  ???

According to your mother, your brother 'may be' contacting you to see if staying with you during the show is okay.  If it isn't, for whatever reason, you can perhaps make suggestions for other ways for him to bide his time while Grandma has his kids somewhere else. 

Coley:

--- Quote from: gramma dishes on February 08, 2013, 03:29:58 PM ---I'm a little puzzled here.

Grandma is taking your own son and your brother's kids to a show.  Just Grandma and the children, no other adults.

If brother has to drive such a long distance to get his kids there, how did you think the group was all going to get together since the show is in your town?  I think I would sort of have assumed that they'd all be meeting at my house.  ???

According to your mother, your brother 'may be' contacting you to see if staying with you during the show is okay.  If it isn't, for whatever reason, you can perhaps make suggestions for other ways for him to bide his time while Grandma has his kids somewhere else.

--- End quote ---

I totally hear you. In the past, this sort of event has been handled in a lot of different ways. Sometimes, my mother has driven halfway to my brother's city to pick up his kids and bring them to MyTown. Many times, my brother drives to my mother's house and stays there, so it's unusual that he's driving here at all even though the show is here. In other instances, she has decided that they need to go out to dinner first, so everyone meets at a restaurant. There is no rhyme or reason to the planning. I actually don't assume anything because it's hard to say what the plan will be.

It is typical that my mother speaks to my brother, they make a plan, and then tell me. It is expected that I will go along with it. I have been trying for years to change this dynamic. It applies to everything from birthdays to holidays to one-time events like this.

gramma dishes:
I think I'd let this one go since it involves (in reality) just all the kids. 

As far as birthdays and other holidays, when they "inform" you of what your plans are going to be (as planned by them), you can just smile and cheerfully say "Oh, actually that won't work for me." 

Coley:

--- Quote from: gramma dishes on February 08, 2013, 03:52:36 PM ---I think I'd let this one go since it involves (in reality) just all the kids. 

As far as birthdays and other holidays, when they "inform" you of what your plans are going to be (as planned by them), you can just smile and cheerfully say "Oh, actually that won't work for me."

--- End quote ---

Thanks. Yes, I think that's the best route this time around. I worry sometimes about being agreeable in these situations because it reinforces the behavior.

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