It has been decided. We're coming to your house.

[Coley]

I have posted several times about my mother and her narcissistic behavior. Well, here we go again. My mother invited DS and my brother's kids to see a show that is playing in MyTown next weekend. HerTown is about 45 minutes from OurTown. HisTown is two hours from MyTown. The day I agreed that DS could go, my mother replied that she would let me know about pick-up arrangements for the show. Today, I got an e-mail from my mother. Evidently, my mother and brother have decided that everyone will meet at my house. This is the first time I'm hearing about it. Here's the e-mail:

"The show starts at 7:00 p.m. on Friday.  (Brother) and  the kids plan to arrive at your house by 6:30. I'll arrive about that time also to use his van to take everybody.  He may be contacting you to see what your plans are for the evening."

Oh. So, not only are they all coming here for pick-up, it sounds like we also may be entertaining my brother for the evening.

Now, I wouldn't mind this arrangement if I had been asked or if there had been some discussion about the best way to pick up the kids. Instead, I am told that this is how it will be. Isn't this an interesting assumption?

[gramma dishes]

I'm a little puzzled here.

Grandma is taking your own son and your brother's kids to a show.  Just Grandma and the children, no other adults.

If brother has to drive such a long distance to get his kids there, how did you think the group was all going to get together since the show is in your town?  I think I would sort of have assumed that they'd all be meeting at my house. 

According to your mother, your brother 'may be' contacting you to see if staying with you during the show is okay.  If it isn't, for whatever reason, you can perhaps make suggestions for other ways for him to bide his time while Grandma has his kids somewhere else. 

[Coley]

I'm a little puzzled here.

Grandma is taking your own son and your brother's kids to a show.  Just Grandma and the children, no other adults.

If brother has to drive such a long distance to get his kids there, how did you think the group was all going to get together since the show is in your town?  I think I would sort of have assumed that they'd all be meeting at my house. 

According to your mother, your brother 'may be' contacting you to see if staying with you during the show is okay.  If it isn't, for whatever reason, you can perhaps make suggestions for other ways for him to bide his time while Grandma has his kids somewhere else.

I totally hear you. In the past, this sort of event has been handled in a lot of different ways. Sometimes, my mother has driven halfway to my brother's city to pick up his kids and bring them to MyTown. Many times, my brother drives to my mother's house and stays there, so it's unusual that he's driving here at all even though the show is here. In other instances, she has decided that they need to go out to dinner first, so everyone meets at a restaurant. There is no rhyme or reason to the planning. I actually don't assume anything because it's hard to say what the plan will be.

It is typical that my mother speaks to my brother, they make a plan, and then tell me. It is expected that I will go along with it. I have been trying for years to change this dynamic. It applies to everything from birthdays to holidays to one-time events like this.

[gramma dishes]

I think I'd let this one go since it involves (in reality) just all the kids. 

As far as birthdays and other holidays, when they "inform" you of what your plans are going to be (as planned by them), you can just smile and cheerfully say "Oh, actually that won't work for me." 

[Coley]

I think I'd let this one go since it involves (in reality) just all the kids. 

As far as birthdays and other holidays, when they "inform" you of what your plans are going to be (as planned by them), you can just smile and cheerfully say "Oh, actually that won't work for me."

Thanks. Yes, I think that's the best route this time around. I worry sometimes about being agreeable in these situations because it reinforces the behavior.

[Lynn2000]

Any chance you just might not be home that night when they come by? I would warn them first, since you know the date and time, but what would be the fallout from that? (Really asking, because I'm a little confused about who's going where.)

[Coley]

Any chance you just might not be home that night when they come by? I would warn them first, since you know the date and time, but what would be the fallout from that? (Really asking, because I'm a little confused about who's going where.)

DH asked the same question. What if we weren't planning on being home?

If we weren't home, they would be able to meet in our driveway so that my mother could take my brother's kids in his van. DS would be the question mark. I'm not quite clear on why my mother must drive my brother's van. It might have been easier for my brother to drive his kids to the concert hall and meet my mother there. That would negate the need for a vehicle switch.

[JenJay]

Any chance you just might not be home that night when they come by? I would warn them first, since you know the date and time, but what would be the fallout from that? (Really asking, because I'm a little confused about who's going where.)

DH asked the same question. What if we weren't planning on being home?

If we weren't home, they would be able to meet in our driveway so that my mother could take my brother's kids in his van. DS would be the question mark. I'm not quite clear on why my mother must drive my brother's van. It might have been easier for my brother to drive his kids to the concert hall and meet my mother there. That would negate the need for a vehicle switch.

Possibly their line of thinking was "We'll both pull into Coley's driveway, she'll bring out her DS and put him in the van, I'll (your mom) hop in the van and take off while you (brother) go inside and visit. Easy!"

It's a great plan and probably the easiest if someone is home and expecting his visit. It does seems strange that your brother would drive all the way to your home when, previously, he'd met your mom halfway or dropped the kids off at her house and waited there (or gone home or whatever he does). It makes it seem like he really wants to visit with you, which is sweet, except you'd think he maybe would have worked that out with you. 

[Coley]

Any chance you just might not be home that night when they come by? I would warn them first, since you know the date and time, but what would be the fallout from that? (Really asking, because I'm a little confused about who's going where.)

DH asked the same question. What if we weren't planning on being home?

If we weren't home, they would be able to meet in our driveway so that my mother could take my brother's kids in his van. DS would be the question mark. I'm not quite clear on why my mother must drive my brother's van. It might have been easier for my brother to drive his kids to the concert hall and meet my mother there. That would negate the need for a vehicle switch.

Possibly their line of thinking was "We'll both pull into Coley's driveway, she'll bring out her DS and put him in the van, I'll (your mom) hop in the van and take off while you (brother) go inside and visit. Easy!"

It's a great plan and probably the easiest if someone is home and expecting his visit. It does seems strange that your brother would drive all the way to your home when, previously, he'd met your mom halfway or dropped the kids off at her house and waited there (or gone home or whatever he does). It makes it seem like he really wants to visit with you, which is sweet, except you'd think he maybe would have worked that out with you. 

Yeah, I suppose "easiest" could be debatable. The bolded: That's another odd question mark. On Christmas Day, my brother was supposed to come here with his kids. My mother was here. We were planning on them, and I had food prepared for all of them -- five people. We didn't find out that he'd changed his plans until my mother arrived. He decided he was going to drive directly to her house later in the day. So now we wonder if we make plans with him for that evening, will he follow through?

[Kaypeep]

Any chance you just might not be home that night when they come by? I would warn them first, since you know the date and time, but what would be the fallout from that? (Really asking, because I'm a little confused about who's going where.)

DH asked the same question. What if we weren't planning on being home?

If we weren't home, they would be able to meet in our driveway so that my mother could take my brother's kids in his van. DS would be the question mark. I'm not quite clear on why my mother must drive my brother's van. It might have been easier for my brother to drive his kids to the concert hall and meet my mother there. That would negate the need for a vehicle switch.

Possibly their line of thinking was "We'll both pull into Coley's driveway, she'll bring out her DS and put him in the van, I'll (your mom) hop in the van and take off while you (brother) go inside and visit. Easy!"

It's a great plan and probably the easiest if someone is home and expecting his visit. It does seems strange that your brother would drive all the way to your home when, previously, he'd met your mom halfway or dropped the kids off at her house and waited there (or gone home or whatever he does). It makes it seem like he really wants to visit with you, which is sweet, except you'd think he maybe would have worked that out with you. 

Yeah, I suppose "easiest" could be debatable. The bolded: That's another odd question mark. On Christmas Day, my brother was supposed to come here with his kids. My mother was here. We were planning on them, and I had food prepared for all of them -- five people. We didn't find out that he'd changed his plans until my mother arrived. He decided he was going to drive directly to her house later in the day. So now we wonder if we make plans with him for that evening, will he follow through?

Don't make any plans with him.  Do what you were going to do before.  After your son leaves, do what you want.  Tell brother he's welcome to watch TV and order a pizza until mom comes back with his van.

[Coley]

Any chance you just might not be home that night when they come by? I would warn them first, since you know the date and time, but what would be the fallout from that? (Really asking, because I'm a little confused about who's going where.)

DH asked the same question. What if we weren't planning on being home?

If we weren't home, they would be able to meet in our driveway so that my mother could take my brother's kids in his van. DS would be the question mark. I'm not quite clear on why my mother must drive my brother's van. It might have been easier for my brother to drive his kids to the concert hall and meet my mother there. That would negate the need for a vehicle switch.

Possibly their line of thinking was "We'll both pull into Coley's driveway, she'll bring out her DS and put him in the van, I'll (your mom) hop in the van and take off while you (brother) go inside and visit. Easy!"

It's a great plan and probably the easiest if someone is home and expecting his visit. It does seems strange that your brother would drive all the way to your home when, previously, he'd met your mom halfway or dropped the kids off at her house and waited there (or gone home or whatever he does). It makes it seem like he really wants to visit with you, which is sweet, except you'd think he maybe would have worked that out with you. 

Yeah, I suppose "easiest" could be debatable. The bolded: That's another odd question mark. On Christmas Day, my brother was supposed to come here with his kids. My mother was here. We were planning on them, and I had food prepared for all of them -- five people. We didn't find out that he'd changed his plans until my mother arrived. He decided he was going to drive directly to her house later in the day. So now we wonder if we make plans with him for that evening, will he follow through?

Don't make any plans with him.  Do what you were going to do before.  After your son leaves, do what you want.  Tell brother he's welcome to watch TV and order a pizza until mom comes back with his van.

This is a great strategy. I shared it with DH, and he agrees. Thanks!

[Zilla]

I think I'd let this one go since it involves (in reality) just all the kids. 

As far as birthdays and other holidays, when they "inform" you of what your plans are going to be (as planned by them), you can just smile and cheerfully say "Oh, actually that won't work for me."

Thanks. Yes, I think that's the best route this time around. I worry sometimes about being agreeable in these situations because it reinforces the behavior.

You can also kind of assert a little control and say, "Let me get back to you.  I need to check my calendar as I wasn't expecting company that night and may have something else lined up."  Wait a few hours/a day and then call back and tell them you worked it out.  That way it will hopefully give them pause in the future.  If it happens again, by all means decline.
But in this scenario, it seems to be a natural thing to meet at your house and bonus to spend time with your brother. (unless you dont' get along)

[Coley]

Update:

My brother and his kids arrived at 6:05 instead of 6:30. Apparently, my mother e-mailed him yesterday and told him to be here at 6:00. She didn't tell me. We had just walked in the door about two minutes before they got here, so we were surprised when they arrived. My brother was surprised to learn that we had no idea they were coming at 6:00. DS was in his room changing. My mother arrived about 5 minutes after my brother, and she was upset that everyone wasn't ready to go right away. I was combing children's hair after their car trip and hustling them in and out of the bathroom so they wouldn't have to go at the theater.

I never heard from my brother about hanging out together this evening. When he got here, he said he was going downtown to hang out. He drove my mother and all the kids to the theater, where he dropped them off. He will be hanging around near the theater, so my mother will call him when the show is over, my brother will pick them up, and they will all come back here to drop off DS.

Sigh.

[Danika]

In the future, here's how you handle this situation. You've tried words and they don't work. You will need to use actions.

Next time your mother tells you "I talked to brother and we've decided..." you use a PP's suggestion of replying "I'll have to check my calendar to see if that works for me. I'll get back to you." Also, don't trust that what your mother says your brother might do is what he really wants to do. She said this time "He might contact you about doing something with you while the others are at the show." Yeah, he might. But he might not have said that to her. She might have just been giving you a situation that might happen. He never contacted you about it. Whether he does or not, you think about what you and DH want to do. What works best for you? Meeting on your driveway? Meeting in your house? Dropping DS off downtown and meeting up with your mom? You come up with the plan that is ideal for you. And then reply "What works best for us is..." and as long as you're not asking them to drive miles out of their way, they should agree to it, or maybe DS just doesn't go to that show (depending on how upset he'd be if you backed out).

Then, you communicate with mom *and with brother* so that they both get the same info. Because if you just tell your mom something, she's going to tell your brother something else. It's like the game of "Telephone." By the time he hears it, he might get frustrated with you because he thinks, for example, that she told you that they're all arriving at 6pm. Your mother doesn't need to be the information gatekeeper. She feels important being the hub of all knowledge. Shut that down and communicate directly with your brother.

Finally, if you're expecting them at 6:30, you don't open the door if you hear a knock before 6:29pm. You have other things going on and you weren't sure you'd be home. Maybe you're in the shower. Maybe you're napping. Maybe you're still at the grocery store. You were expecting them at 6:30. Maybe a knock at 6:05 is a salesman and you don't like solicitors. No need to open the door or even check the peephole. If they are on your doorstep for a half hour, they can wait in their cars with the heater on. Natural consequences for not communicating with you.

[Sophia]

I would also talk to brother and tell him to never listen to a word your mother says when it comes to plans about all of you.  Just let it go in one ear and out the other.