Late Again for the final time

[LV426]

The situation is resolved by basically me resolving it but I've been told that my reaction is too harsh and that I was rude so I wanted some opinions.


I had a friend. She was nice but a little needy and I ended up putting a lot of effort into our friendship that looking back now, I never got anything in return.  She was also a friend who was late for EVERYTHING. Every time we met up she was late. And not just a few minutes late but she would be 30-45 min late generally.  I had expressed to her how upsetting it was to sit and wait for her all the time. That it was disrespectful to me and others who were waiting on her. She just laughed it off every time and said "that's how I am". 

Now I had cut back on seeing her because of this but last year at Halloween I wanted to go to a haunted house and she wanted to so we made plans to meet.  I wanted to meet at 7pm so there wouldn't be a long line and before it started to rain. Plans were made. I wasn't sure how long it would take me to get there and I was not sure where it was so I left early as usual. I ended up getting there faster than I thought so I was there by 6:30. No worries. I brought a book. So 7pm comes along and she's still not there. I text her that I have arrived and she responds "you are always early!"

I responded back that yes I was early but she was supposed to be here by 7pm. And she then says she's stuck in traffic at the moment.  So I wait. And wait. And wait.  I get a text at 8pm that she's apparently hit more traffic. Now the Haunted House line has been growing significantly and it's now starting to rain. The line is now outside the covered portion and at least an hour wait.  I tell her this and ask her if she wants me to get the tickets and get in line and she says no I will be there soon.

So I continue to wait.  She doesn't show up until 9:25! Now the line is really long. I bought my ticket but she has to get in line to get hers and then we have to wait in the line to get into the haunted house.  I was furious. And I said that I didn't appreciate having to wait over 2 hours for her to show up. She laughs and says "I'm always late you know that!"    I was still furious but felt like it would be fruitless to get into an argument so we get in line in the rain and we wait 45 min to get into the haunted house. It takes 10 min to get through and then she says "well I have to go I'm going out for coffee" and leaves.

Whatever. I needed to get home anyway as I had to pick up my dog from the dog sitter's house. My dog sitter wanted to know why I was so late and she agreed with me that being over 2 hours late was really inexcusable. 

So fast forward.  I haven't seen her since then and I didn't meet up with her for my birthday because I didn't want to wait around 2 hours for her to show. But then I mentioned on facebook I was going to go to see the King Tut exhibit while it was here. She wants to go too.  Now this is a timed exhibit. You HAVE to be there at a specific time and if you miss the slot you bought your ticket for you miss out and don't get a refund.  I specifically told her this and said if she can't make it that I don't want to miss out.  So I bought the tickets for both of us because you had to buy them in advance for the same time slot and we kept having problems with available spaces when we tried to pay for our own.  I ordered the ticket package that had the Mummy Movie, Exhibit tour, and Audio guide. $50 each.  She said she will pay me back. She was also to bring some stuff I had ordered from her and paid for in advance and saved her time by saying just bring it with you. I also stressed that she could not be late. She swore she wouldn't be late.

So day of I get there early to get parking because it's downtown, there's rain, there's ALWAYS traffic, and there are a few events going on downtown. Which btw I told her about the day before.  As usual she's late. I go into the movie without her and she tells me she's there and walking over to the ticket gate. The guy said ok I can go out and give her the ticket to get in. So I go out. I'm standing in the rain waiting for her. WAITING FOR AN HOUR!  Apparently she wasn't really there! She had to actually find parking and then walk over from where she was able to get parking. And I even  chose our meeting time 30min earlier than the movie started so this wouldn't happen.  So by the time she shows up I was beyond furious. BEYOND! I was so angry and really yes I was rude in that I chastised her in front of the ticket lady. But after we went through I turned and told her that this was the last time I was doing anything with her. That I was tired of being disrespected and cast off because she didn't feel I was important enough to get anywhere on time. She tried to counter with "this is how I am" and I countered with "that doesn't make it right!"   I had missed the movie part of the tour and now was soaking wet and the only place to wait for the movie to end and the next part to start was a cafe crowded with people so I was very unhappy.

She says to me "I'm not going to take this" and walks off into the crowd. I tried to follow her so I could at least get my stuff from her but she's gone. So I call her and she doesn't answer. I text her and she doesn't answer. I needed the stuff from her for this for the next day and now she's gone. (And frankly I wouldn't have bought it from her but I was trying to help her out because she needed the money)

She then texts me and tells me she's left my stuff with a parking garage attendant on some street that I have no idea where it is. I text her back and tell her to get it and mail it and she can pay for the postage or refund my money I don't care which.

But at this point the friendship is over. I did not call her, removed her from my facebook, and haven't heard from her since. Which as far as I am concerned has saved me a great deal of money and grief. But a few of my other friends have said I was too harsh on her and I shouldn't hold it against her just because she was late. I'm of the opinion if you don't respect me and my time you don't get to be my friend. So say you ehellions, is it rude to refuse to have anything to do with someone when they have continuously spit in your face?

Side note since I paid for her ticket I kept it and called another friend who managed on short notice to get her poopadities together and arrive just in time to enter the King Tut exhibit with me so we both got to enjoy the display even if I had missed the movie portion.

[Outdoor Girl]

I don't blame you at all for dumping this woman.  Your friends are wrong.  The Hallowe'en incident was bad enough but the King Tut exhibit would have been the final nail in the coffin for me, too, were she my friend.

[rose red]

You were not too harsh and lasted longer in this "friendship" than I would have. 

How come these people who expect to be catered because "that's how they are" never respect others for being who they are too? 

[artk2002]

Your friends are wrong and she is wrong. You are absolutely right that she's been extremely disrespectful of you. You gave her plenty of opportunity to apologize (she didn't) and to correct her behavior (she didn't.) You weren't harsh at all. In my opinion, you were very forgiving after the Hallowe'en incident.

[Editeer]

I don't think you were harsh or rude. You gave the friend more chances than I would have!

I wonder if by "harsh" and "rude," your friends are referring to the frankness of what you said to the late friend. You told her what the problem was, that it upset you, and that you weren't going to take it anymore. That is not at all rude, IMO. But perhaps your other friends would simply have let the friendship die without saying why, which would be face-saving. That method would just be never to make plans with her again, always be busy when she calls, and refuse her when she says she wants to do something with you.
Again, I think you did the right thing by telling her exactly what the problem was, and making it clear that her "just the way I am" excuse was not OK. But maybe your friends would have done it the other way.

[magicdomino]

Your reaction would be harsh if she was chronically 5 minutes late.  It would be harsh if she was occasionally 30 minutes late.  Chronically 90 minutes late, even for timed events?  Nope, she needs someone to be harsh.

[LV426]

I will say that she did say "I'm sorry a few times but it was always pre-phrased with "it's just how I am" or "I can't fix traffic".

But the thing is that if she had left withing a reasonable amount of time she would have been on time. I gave her a 30 minute free pass basically by telling her a time 30 min before we had to actually be there.

Thanks though. I never did feel like I was rude except maybe in front of the ticket lady when I commented that I was really upset that she was late yet again. I'm not PA enough to just ignore people. I generally tell them like it is because I feel that being wishy washy serves no good purpose. And this way people know exactly why I'm angry with them and there are no misunderstandings.

[weeblewobble]

It's really easy for someone who is not suffering the consequences of someone else's bad behavior to judge your reaction as harsh.  Your friends weren't waiting for her out in the rain.  Your friends weren't cheated out of money and birthday plans.  You were.  You're the only one allowed to make the judgement as to whether you associate with someone who can't be bothered to treat you with courtesy.  If THEY want to sign on for disrespect and discourtesy, they're welcome to it.

[oceanus]

OP, you should have DUMPED her waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay before you did.

Your mistake was ALLOWING her to keep you waiting 30, 45, minutes – an hour, an hour and a half!!!!!!!!!!  WHAT??!    In each of those scenarios you should have left after 30 minutes MAXIMUM.

She disrespected you so many times, in so many ways (such as her flippant remarks).  There is a saying “We teach people how to treat us.”  Think about it.

Put a fork in this friendship.  It’s done.  Forget her.  Move on. I also would refuse to discuss her with anyone.

[Brisvegasgal]

I agree with the others. Perhaps you were a bit rude having the conversation in public but you gave her way too many chances.  IMO she was extremely rude and disrespectful of you by keeping you waiting so many times.

[JenJay]

She's a nightmare and I would have lost it, too. Did you get your stuff that you'd bought from her? 

[LV426]

Yes she did mail me the things that I had ordered from her.

[Amara]

She is a user and a whiner, and your other friends are no friends either if they think you were rude and should accept her because "it's the way she is." No. Just no. I had a friend like that once who thought she was "cute" when she did that. (She was in her late 70s.) I've told the story on here, I think, that I had warned her more than once that her lateness was disrespectful. Then one year I was scheduled to pick her up at 1:00 pm  so we could head down to the hotel we were staying at for the LA Times Festival of Books. I let her know I would be leaving her place at precisely that time. She dithered around--again. And I left on time without her. Boy, was she angry. It wasn't the straw that broke the camel's back, though it should have been. That came a year later with two more incidents. I haven't seen or talked to her since. Others can deal with that rot.

[mmswm]

I would have dumped her after the haunted house incident.  At the very least, when she asked about the King Tut exhibit, I would have told her then that I wasn't willing to make plans with her because of her chronic lateness and that you simply couldn't trust her.  You were much nicer than I would have been.

[nuit93]

I would have ended it at the haunted house incident too.  Chronically late people annoy me to no end.