Late Again for the final time

[sammycat]

In a nutshell, you were right and your ex-friend and other friends are/were wrong.

I think the only mistake you made was arranging to go with her to the King Tut exhibit. I'd have been done after the halloween incident.

I faced a similar situation once. I made friends with a lady who was nice in every regard except time management; similar in style to the OP's ex-friend (30 mins - 2 hours late was the norm) .

One day I arranged to meet up with her for lunch and shopping at an indoor mall, along with a mutual friend. Mutual friend and I met at the right time and waited 15 minutes before calling Late Friend. No answer. After another 15 minutes we decided to go ahead and eat. I think we left a phone message saying we were going to go ahead to the cafe.

Late friend called an hour later to ask where we were. We told her we'd almost finished eating and she was welcome to come to the cafe or we'd meet her at a particular shop. She chose the latter. Nothing was ever really said about our not waiting for her, but we could tell Late Friend was mad. I didn't care. She had to finally face the consequences of her actions. We spent a coupe of hours shopping, then Late Friend made her excuses and left. 

We never heard from her again, and that was 4-5 years ago.

Despite her chronic lateness, she was otherwise a very nice person, but I always wondered why she never seemed to have other friends. She used to mention former friends, and I now wonder if they too eventually stopped waiting for her and so she cut them off as well.

[snappylt]

I'm joining the chorus here and agreeing that your former friend was in the wrong here.

I am married to someone who is late to almost everything, even including, sometimes, her job.  (I know that because she won't ever check messages on our landline voice mail, and I'll hear the calls from her workplace asking about why she's not there yet.)  It used to drive me absolutely up a tree.  Early in our marriage, before we had children, we missed an international flight because she would not get herself ready to go in time to get to the airport.  I decided at that point that, to stay sane, I would have to make my own arrangements to get myself places on time in my own car.  I learned to get ready on time myself, and then tell her what time I was leaving, and then if she would not get herself ready, I would just go ahead and leave in my car at the appropriate time.

It made me very sad to do that with our children, too, but when they started being late for school several times each week when they were very young because she would not get herself ready to walk them to school on time, I'd see that the kids were ready and then we'd walk out the door without her.  (That's a horrible thing to do, walk out the door with your kids and just leave their mother behind, still putting on her makeup, but that's what it took to get them to school on time.)

I don't understand her way of thinking - or not thinking.  For example, my wife would watch certain hobby-related TV shows for several hours every Saturday morning, even on Saturdays when she needed to be ready to be somewhere at noon or 1:00 PM.  Then she would be late for those Saturday appointments, but it seemingly never occurred to her that she was late because she didn't start getting ready until after her shows were over.  She would be flustered and make vague excuses to other people for why she was late, but she would never acknowledge that she was late because she didn't start getting ready early enough.  (I only tried pointing this out to her once or twice.  She became furious at me for suggesting that it was her own fault she was late because she didn't start getting ready early enough.  I stopped suggesting that.)

Anyway, to get back to you, OP, if your former friend is like my wife, she is unwilling to change, and whether or not she says that she "cares" that it is frustrating to others to be kept waiting, she is going to continue to do that because that is just the way she is and she is not willing to change herself.

It sounds like your friend is a former friend and that your friendship is over.  I think that is fine and probably less stressful for you.

If you change your mind and decide you want to be friends again, I encourage you to not count on her to be anywhere at a particular time.  As someone else has said, don't buy tickets for her in the future because you already know she cannot be trusted to keep her word regarding time.  Tell her what time you are going to leave - or how long you are going to wait for her - and then leave when you said you would leave.  She won't like it, but why should you continue to cater to her rude tardiness?

Good luck!

[Deetee]

"That's just the way I am"

"And I don't wait more than 15 minutes for anyone. That's just the way I am"


(OK, if someone who is always on time is late, I will wait for them. I will also wait if it is convenient for me. For example, i have one friend who is a lot of fun, but always late. We meet for coffee, but only when I have a good chunk of time free and I always bring along my reading. I will set myself up with my drink and my book in the cafe and then she will show up 10-40 minutes late. Sometimes, I will finish my coffee and get a second drink when my friend shows up. So basically, I have a nice visit at a random time, but I only arrange it when I am in the mood for a nice read and a coffee-uh most of the time.)

[Steve]

It is very unfortunate that people like this exist. I do not like dealing with other's tardiness either, but I really dislike it if I have to get upset on top of it, so I have a very simple set of rules that gouvern my behaviour in such occasions:
I will wait for 5 minutes and consider the other to be on time if they arrive within that time
Then I will wait another 5 minutes, but I will expect an apology for the tardiness upon arrival.
After 15 minutes I will leave, or sto waiting

So in the haunted house incident, I would have visited the house by myself and was well on my way home when friend arrived...too bad enjoy the house by yourself my friend....
In the tut incident, I would have been watching the show, too bad for friend, she needs to wait outside for me until the show is over....
This approach keeps me from getting angry.

[Raintree]

I'm a chronically late person (or, at least, it's been a lifelong struggle to try and get places on time, and I don't know why, but I am getting better now)..........and I am STILL angry at your ex-friend on your behalf. I'd have ended it after the Halloween episode. Two and a half hours late is beyond the pale. Does she live 150 miles away? No. Surely she can't claim she was surprised there was traffic. OK, I've blamed traffic before too, because it honestly has been worse than anticipated, or there's an accident holding everything up, but two and a half hours late is more than just "higher than normal traffic volume."

For a timed exhibit such as the King Tut, I think I'd have started stressing out the day before over how I was going to get there on time. It's right up there with the stress of making sure you get to a university final exam on time.

Also, if you cause inconvenience to others, you bend over backwards apologizing and pray they will forgive you; you don't just laugh and say "well I'm just like that."

Sure, you're like that, but your being like that means that I don't want to do things with you.

[Raintree]

It is very unfortunate that people like this exist. I do not like dealing with other's tardiness either, but I really dislike it if I have to get upset on top of it, so I have a very simple set of rules that gouvern my behaviour in such occasions:
I will wait for 5 minutes and consider the other to be on time if they arrive within that time
Then I will wait another 5 minutes, but I will expect an apology for the tardiness upon arrival.
After 15 minutes I will leave, or sto waiting

So in the haunted house incident, I would have visited the house by myself and was well on my way home when friend arrived...too bad enjoy the house by yourself my friend....
In the tut incident, I would have been watching the show, too bad for friend, she needs to wait outside for me until the show is over....
This approach keeps me from getting angry.

It's a good approach. I think the OP wanted to enjoy the haunted house and King Tut WITH someone. But I think by the time they arrived I'd have been so angry I wouldn't have enjoyed being with them anyway.

[MariaE]

I think the only place you were wrong was to enable her in the first place. Why on earth did you keep waiting for her? At the haunted house I'd have waited for half an hour, and then given her a call to say I would be going in on my own. Waiting 2.5 hours is just ridiculous.

Similarly with the movie. If I'd come out and seen she wasn't there, I'd have checked with the ticket lady if I could leave the ticket with her, and then gone back in again.

People are usually only continuously late when others allow them to be.

[cicero]

But at this point the friendship is over. I did not call her, removed her from my facebook, and haven't heard from her since. Which as far as I am concerned has saved me a great deal of money and grief. But a few of my other friends have said I was too harsh on her and I shouldn't hold it against her just because she was late. I'm of the opinion if you don't respect me and my time you don't get to be my friend. So say you ehellions, is it rude to refuse to have anything to do with someone when they have continuously spit in your face?

you're not holding it against her because she is late. you are holding it against her because she is rude and disrespectful and a liar. you get to choose your friends, and you are choosing not to be friends with someone who doestn't respect you. I don't see how this is harsh.

goodbye and good riddance i say.

[zyrs]

OP, you were not rude and you were not harsh.  As others have said - the only thing you did wrong was to enable her in the Haunted House incident and part of the King Tut exhibit.  And I am glad you were able to call a friend for the ticket you purchased.

[Redsoil]

I wonder why it is that generally, it seems to be "polite" behaviour to wait for people that are chronically late.  For some reason, it's deemed to be "rude" to actually leave them to their own fate, and proceed on time.  (Not talking about 5 minutes, or rare occasions, but those who do so all the time.)

Why is it okay to inconvenience others by being late, but it's not okay to "cause inconvenience"* (from their perspective) to the latecomer by going on with plans?  (* actually the late people are making rods for their own backs - it's no-one's fault but their own, though they don't seem to see it that way.)

I don't get it.  (And in a professional setting have had patients become terribly aggrieved when I tell them I'll have to reschedule their appointment when they're half an hour or more late and still expect to simply waltz in with not even an apology!  Even to actually expecting me to inconvenience other patients already in the waiting-room, on time, so they can be seen when it's convenient to them!)

[bansidhe]

I don't blame you at all for dumping this woman.  Your friends are wrong.  The Hallowe'en incident was bad enough but the King Tut exhibit would have been the final nail in the coffin sarcophagus for me, too, were she my friend.

Fixed it for you. 

POD. Ex-friend is an impossible snowflake. I truly cannot stand the "That's just the way I am" excuse. What it really means is "I'm going to do exactly what I want even if it inconveniences others and people just need to deal with it because I'm more important than everyone else." Saying "You know I'm always late" is a cheap way of attempting to pass the blame off to the person who's been wronged. Ugh.

OP, you are well rid of her and I think you were fine to be quite blunt with her. I'd like to think she's learned a lesson from this, but no doubt she's too busy blaming you. 

[Roe]

If your friends (boo on them!) keep harping on you for the "harsh" treatment, feel free to use the "that's just the way I am" line on them. 

After the haunted house plans, I'd have never, ever made plans to go anywhere with her again. 

[LV426]

Thanks everyone. Not all of my friends think I was too harsh just some of them. The majority said that I stayed in the "friendship" too long as it is.  I think part of why I kept giving her a pass is because when I first moved out here she really helped me out and let me live with her while I got a job and found a place to live. I really appreciated her help. And then for a few years she lived out of state and we didn't talk as much anymore. When she moved back it was nice to have a friend that liked to do things with but the being late issue kept getting bigger and bigger. Most of the time we just would have a late dinner or meet for coffee where if she was late it wasn't a huge deal but then it got to where if we made specific plans she would just not get her butt together in time and be late. And she always blamed traffic but I have traffic on my phone so I can see what the travel times are for her and if she had left at least on time allocating a 45 min drive she would have only been 15 -20 min late.

I also noticed how if it was something she wanted to do like when I got her tickets to the ballet (I didn't go I hate the ballet), she was able to get there on time and not miss the show. But when I scheduled something for us to do and/or paid for it, she was never on time.  Even after I told her that being late is very insulting to me. She was even late to her own birthday party. She scheduled an event and made reservations at this place and she only lived 15 min from the place. I lived an hour. I got there 10 min early. She was 30 min late. The rest of us sat around waiting for her because we couldn't go in without as the reservation was in her name. And since she was late we ended up having to do something different because the room she had reserved was now taken by another party for their time slot.

Anyway I feel better having let her go. I don't have the irritation anymore and I'm definitely saving money by not always having to meet on her side of the city and never on mine. I was too busy trying to be a good friend to someone who had no regard for me whatsoever and King Tut was definitely the last straw.  I could have done the Haunted House without her but  I would have been furious. And I could have seen the movie without her but to be honest I still would have been furious because once again she had disrespected me. So it's best that I ended it and I still had a good time in the exhibit because another friend was able to get there and go with me.

[blueyzca01]

I was too busy trying to be a good friend to someone who had no regard for me whatsoever and King Tut was definitely the last straw.  I could have done the Haunted House without her but  I would have been furious. And I could have seen the movie without her but to be honest I still would have been furious because once again she had disrespected me.

Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Way to go to deciding to be done with her!

[BeagleMommy]

Harsh?  Harsh!?  Harsh would be telling her that her baby was ugly not requesting she be on time for a special event and then ending the friendship after repeated incidents of chronic and extreme lateness.

You did fine.  I'm not sure I could have been that patient.