Count your Blessings

[staceym]

OP here. I replied to her on the thread and said something along the lines of while it is great to count my blessings and I do realize I have a lot of them, the issue I complained about upset me and there is nothing wrong with that. She simply replied "soldier on" so I'm assuming she got the message.

I'd say not, actually. She's still not saying 'sorry to hear it' but 'buck up.' Hope she doesn't treat her parishioners' complaints so blithely.

yep; she didn't get your messgage - it was basically "yeah, whatever"

[Lynn2000]

This is pretty much in line with some recent threads/themes about what to say to someone who is upset about something.  Some people say, "Be positive!  It helps me."  and others say "agree with everything they say about how bad it is, because that helps me."

I'll just say what I've said in all those other threads.  Everyone sees things differently and depending on the person and what they want to hear to make them feel better, there is no "one size fits all" answer.

That being said, I think it's always appropriate to validate feelings first.  Whether or not someone wants to hear how it could be worse, or wants someone else to lament in their misery (this is extreme), validating feelings; i.e. "I'm sorry your dealing with this.  This must be hard for you. etc" is always a smart way to start.

POD. Sometimes people just want to rant, sometimes they want active consolation, sometimes they want ideas for improvement, sometimes giving them perspective helps. I am a problem-solver so I have to remind myself that not everyone complaining to me wants me to come up with a solution for them--sometimes they just want me to sit there and listen, or offer sympathy. On something as short as a Facebook status update I probably wouldn't comment any further than "Oh, sorry to hear that!" just because I wouldn't be able to discern what the person really wanted (and brief sympathy is usually the safest choice, if I'm going to comment at all).

Come to think of it, I've witnessed something similar to the OP's situation on my friends' walls--usually with one of their friends saying something about how much worse they or others have it--and I've always thought that person (the commenter) was being rude, or at the best insensitive (is that better than rude?).

[RingTailedLemur]

IMO if someone posts on FB that they are feeling sad or upset, it is rude for someone to tell them they shouldn't.

[Mental Magpie]

IMO if someone posts on FB that they are feeling sad or upset, it is rude for someone to tell them they shouldn't.

I don't think that's limited to just FB.  I'd be really put out if someone said that to my face.

[RingTailedLemur]

IMO if someone posts on FB that they are feeling sad or upset, it is rude for someone to tell them they shouldn't.

I don't think that's limited to just FB.  I'd be really put out if someone said that to my face.

Agreed.

[wyliefool]

I'd say not, actually. She's still not saying 'sorry to hear it' but 'buck up.' Hope she doesn't treat her parishioners' complaints so blithely.

As the daughter of a pastor who is dating a pastor and who has spoken with various pastors in times of grief, I have some insight into this.  Of course different people handle things differently, but never was I under the impression that a pastor is there to validate his parishoners feelings and agree with them that they are rightfully angry or upset but rather to provide them with ways of living a happy life despite tragedy or trauma.  I always understood (and experienced) the pastor's role to be one of providing hope in the face of despair, which would be far closer to "count your blessings" than it would be to "you are absolutely right to be wallowing in self pity."  (Not saying the OP is wallowing in self pity, just pointing out the difference in approach here).

I would still think that 'sorry to hear it' would be the first thing to say. Then you can go on to providing hope or solutions.

Besides, in this instance the OP didn't go to a pastor to discuss her feelings, she posted on FB and this person commented insensitively. S/he just happens to be a pastor. It would have still been insensitive if s/he was a doctor or astronaut.

[Miss Unleaded]

Ugh, my parents always used to do this to me when I was young.  I still remember my mother's dismissive tone:  'Thousands of people have it worse than you, stop complaining!' or 'I wish I had your problems.' or 'If that's the worst you have to worry about then your life is pretty good'.

Then they complained that they never knew what was going on with me and that I didn't ever confide in them.   

OP, I'd just delete her comment and block her from seeing your status updates.  I have no time for people like this.

[Winterlight]

I don't say it at all- it's not my place to make that call for someone else.

[BeagleMommy]

POD to Lynn2000 that sometimes you just need to complain.

DH pulled something like this on me about two months ago.  I was feeling down because after three surgeries in one year I'm back in PT because the problem in my right shoulder decided to take up residence in my left shoulder.  When I got a little weepy and said "I feel like I'm falling apart" his reply was "Would you rather have your problem or what your aunt is going through?".

Now, the aunt he referred to has had multiple health problems all due to her own lifestyle.  My doctors have assured me that nothing I did caused my problems.  I started to cry and snapped that I had just wanted a little sympathy and reassurance that things would work out; not a lecture on how easy I had it.

OP, I think your cousin was dismissive of your feelings and you have every right to be upset.

[Grancalla]

I'm reminded of an image I saw going around Facebook for a while that just made me want to scream. Basically, it was along the lines of "Stop whining. You're 11 years old and have an iphone, you little s***."
Ignoring the "little s***" part, when I was 11, puberty hormones were driving me insane, bullies at school were making my life hell, I was worried about keeping my grades up. Exactly how would having an iphone have helped any of that?

[Yvaine]

I'm reminded of an image I saw going around Facebook for a while that just made me want to scream. Basically, it was along the lines of "Stop whining. You're 11 years old and have an iphone, you little s***."
Ignoring the "little s***" part, when I was 11, puberty hormones were driving me insane, bullies at school were making my life hell, I was worried about keeping my grades up. Exactly how would having an iphone have helped any of that?

This. For starters, not every kid has an iPhone, and those memes make it sound like everyone does. And it's possible to still have problems while having an iPhone. Those memes aren't really going to help any 11-year-olds gain perspective. They're just for adults to read and feel superior.

[Lynn2000]

I'm reminded of an image I saw going around Facebook for a while that just made me want to scream. Basically, it was along the lines of "Stop whining. You're 11 years old and have an iphone, you little s***."
Ignoring the "little s***" part, when I was 11, puberty hormones were driving me insane, bullies at school were making my life hell, I was worried about keeping my grades up. Exactly how would having an iphone have helped any of that?

This. For starters, not every kid has an iPhone, and those memes make it sound like everyone does. And it's possible to still have problems while having an iPhone. Those memes aren't really going to help any 11-year-olds gain perspective. They're just for adults to read and feel superior.

In a similar way, I find the memes targeted at "older folks" about how they had to do things the "better = more difficult" way and how younger people take everything for granted to be rude... Sometimes they can be funny if they're just comparing how times have changed, but a lot of them, I feel, are very judgmental and dismissive of anyone "younger" who might be having a difficult time.

[Redneck Gravy]

I agree with PP your feelings were invalidated - twice.  Delete the comment.

[citadelle]

My youngest (9) and I do work at a food bank. I need for her to see that she does have advantages, and that not owning a DS or losing her iPod (in amongst all of the toys in her room) and being unable to find it will not "ruin her life" as she puts it.

In addition to listening to her and compassionately supporting her hopes, dreams and goals, I believe that part of my job is, in fact, teaching her to count her blessings.

I agree, though, that it isn't my job to help my friends count theirs, so I don't use those words with friends.

[gramma dishes]

My youngest (9) and I do work at a food bank. I need for her to see that she does have advantages, and that not owning a DS or losing her iPod (in amongst all of the toys in her room) and being unable to find it will not "ruin her life" as she puts it.

In addition to listening to her and compassionately supporting her hopes, dreams and goals, I believe that part of my job is, in fact, teaching her to count her blessings.

I agree, though, that it isn't my job to help my friends count theirs, so I don't use those words with friends.

You're obviously a great Mom and a conscientious one. 

But if your child came home from school and reported (for example) bullying behavior against her, you wouldn't just tell her to 'soldier on' or 'count your blessings' would you?  I'm pretty sure that you'd know that even though it's probably true that someone somewhere has it worse, you wouldn't invalidate her very real feelings of sadness and frustration that she's feeling right now.