S/O Late again...why wait???

[Winterlight]

I was supposed to be meeting two friends to go somewhere. I got to our meeting point. Ten minutes pass. Nothing. 20 minutes in, I call. "Friend2's not ready, I'll come get you." I ended up waiting half an hour.

Next day, we're meeting up. I get a call five minutes before they were supposed to be at  my house. "We're going to be an hour late- sorry!" It was more like 90 minutes. When they got there and we headed out, Friend2 made some casual comment about running late. "I've spent two hours waiting for you in the last two days. That's not OK. It wastes my time and leaves me hanging." Friend2 apologized and hasn't done it since.

[Brisvegasgal]

So why wait? Like some of the others, I'm happy to wait 10 or so minutes from the agreed on meeting time because that could just mean that the couldn't find a park etc.  Any longer than this, and I expect a phone call or text. 

I add that, I have a friend who thinks she drives a time travel machine because a trip that will take 45 minutes, she thinks will take 20. I realised this quite early on and make allowances for her.  I will also not go to places with her that are time sensitive (like the theatre).  Why do I make allowances for her? Because it's no problem for me to delay my ETA to match hers.  Using this method I have never been late to meet her.

[suzieQ]

I grew up with a mother who would announce that she was leaving at 3pm to do go "fun thing". If you were waiting at the front door, ready to go at 3pm, you could go with her. If you weren't there ready, she'd leave without you. After getting left behind a few times, I learned to be on time.

I do that with my friends, announce the time I'm leaving and I leave at that time (unless I'm running late). I have left without people in the past.

However, my ability to be on time now is hampered by my autistic child. Meltdowns happen.

Boy, don't they! And at our house, insisting on a certain time causes a meltdown. You *cannot* rush J. If you do, you will be late anyway because of the meltdown.

[otterwoman]

I grew up with a mother who would announce that she was leaving at 3pm to do go "fun thing". If you were waiting at the front door, ready to go at 3pm, you could go with her. If you weren't there ready, she'd leave without you. After getting left behind a few times, I learned to be on time.

I do that with my friends, announce the time I'm leaving and I leave at that time (unless I'm running late). I have left without people in the past.

However, my ability to be on time now is hampered by my autistic child. Meltdowns happen.

Boy, don't they! And at our house, insisting on a certain time causes a meltdown. You *cannot* rush J. If you do, you will be late anyway because of the meltdown.

I just reread what I wrote. I should add, when I am late, I always apologize.

[mmswm]

I grew up with a mother who would announce that she was leaving at 3pm to do go "fun thing". If you were waiting at the front door, ready to go at 3pm, you could go with her. If you weren't there ready, she'd leave without you. After getting left behind a few times, I learned to be on time.

I do that with my friends, announce the time I'm leaving and I leave at that time (unless I'm running late). I have left without people in the past.

However, my ability to be on time now is hampered by my autistic child. Meltdowns happen.

Boy, don't they! And at our house, insisting on a certain time causes a meltdown. You *cannot* rush J. If you do, you will be late anyway because of the meltdown.

I have the opposite problem with time and my middle child.  If I say we're going to do X at 1PM, we'd better be doing that at exactly 1PM.  Not 12:58, not 1:02.  He is quite neurotic about being on time, and if anything goes wrong, he melts down.

[Auntie Mame]

I ask myself that same question when I read posts like that. They drive me insane so I have to skip them.  "Boohoo I am letting people take advantage of me over and over and over.  What do I do?".  You stop allowing it. Period.  Get off the cross and put on your big girl pants.  That's what you do.

[rose red]

It drives me nuts too.  When it happens once, twice, or even three times, OK.  But when you (general) take it for months and years, I have no sympathy.

[rigs32]

In this era of cell phones, there is no excuse for not calling or texting when you know you're caught in traffic, dealing with a meltdown, or simply running late. 

In my group of friends, if we make plans to meet for a drink at 8, the "slower" person will send a text when they leave home so we can all arrive around the same time rather than sit alone at the bar waiting.

[PastryGoddess]

I ask myself that same question when I read posts like that. They drive me insane so I have to skip them.  "Boohoo I am letting people take advantage of me over and over and over.  What do I do?".  You stop allowing it. Period.  Get off the cross and put on your big girl pants.  That's what you do.

Not everyone is comfortable with this level of directness.  Just because they aren't doesn't mean they are being childish or a pushover.

[edgypeanuts]

I have a bit of a lateness problem, but I am within 5-15 minutes of the appointed time for general meetups and always okay for scheduled events. 

I have a job that has odd hours (if is not uncommon for me to have to check on a patient before and after going out to eat for example, and I often don't know when my work day will end) so I try to warn people that if that is the case, if something unexpected is wrong, sometimes I cannot help being delayed.  I do let people know if I am able to.  Luckily my family understands, otherwise I would not be able to meet them unless I knew I had no patients.

Because of this I *always* tell people to go ahead without me if I am not there on time.  I am fine with this and will not hold it against them.  Yet despite this, I still get a few people who insist on waiting and then are mad at me for it.  When I point out that I told them to go ahead without me, they just go into how I should have been there.

Reading how people wait and wait is frustrating to me, as the late person, I would not WANT them to do that!  But then again I try not to be a special flake.

[Auntie Mame]

I ask myself that same question when I read posts like that. They drive me insane so I have to skip them.  "Boohoo I am letting people take advantage of me over and over and over.  What do I do?".  You stop allowing it. Period.  Get off the cross and put on your big girl pants.  That's what you do.

Not everyone is comfortable with this level of directness.  Just because they aren't doesn't mean they are being childish or a pushover.

When someone posts "So I invited Bob over and he kicked my puppy and stole money.  So I invited him over again and he insulted me and broke my TV.  So Invited him over again and set my kitchen on fire.  So Invited him over again, what is the etiquette for dealing with him?.  You don't!  End of story, stop inviting Bob over.

I skip the "wahhhhh I'm allowing people to take advantage of me" posts because they drive me nuts.  You are a doormat and a pushover if you let someone continue a behavior you despise over and over and over and over.

[PeterM]

*F_____ was the kind of woman who had been treated as a cute "ingenue" by her husband all her life. They'd met when she was 19 and she never got out of the mindset that she was still that little girl who should be catered to. Though she was a great person otherwise, she still held the belief that she was that tiny girl in curls who charmed everyone by fulfilling their ingenue expectations.

I'm reminded of one my favorite snarky quotes, about a woman who sounds much like F. It was a court case, and B was playing the ingenue to the hilt and apparently thinking variations on "I'm just a silly goose" were appropriate for legal testimony. The author writing about the case characterized it as "B honestly seemed to believe - despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary - that her every move and utterance were enchanting and delightful." Or words to that effect, anyway.

I always think of that quote when I'm dealing with someone who obviously thinks just being allowed in their presence is a high honor.

[Lynn2000]

I don't understand why people delay things for latecomers, either. In my dad's family, people are often late, but the hosts go on without them, and the latecomers don't seem to mind. Drives my mom crazy when my dad makes them "late" for something, but as far as I've seen no one else (like the hosts) seems to care. This is for casual family gatherings, not for things with timed starts like a movie.

I could see waiting a long time if you were waiting for just one other person, and it was the first time they'd been significantly late, and you just couldn't think clearly about what to do. Sometimes I don't think well on my feet. But I hope I would realize it was my choice to wait (if I had other options), so that portion at least couldn't be blamed on the latecomer.

I think waiting, at least in a specific situation, is reinforced by restaurants, who for business/efficiency reasons want to get all the orders from one table at the same time. So a server will ask if you want to wait for the missing person/people before ordering your meal, or even assume you want to wait and just ask about appetizers and drinks. I've occasionally told a server that I want to go ahead and order my entree, and they usually seem a bit taken aback.

Here's a question: What if you're part of a group, and the host/organizer/most vocal person wants to wait until the latecomer arrives, and you just want to get on with things? I realize there's a lot of variables in that situation, but would it be rude to just take your ticket and walk into the exhibit, or summon a server and order your dinner, if everyone else in the group seemed determined to wait?

[oceanus]

I ask myself that same question when I read posts like that. They drive me insane so I have to skip them.  "Boohoo I am letting people take advantage of me over and over and over.  What do I do?".  You stop allowing it. Period.  Get off the cross and put on your big girl pants.  That's what you do.

Not everyone is comfortable with this level of directness.  Just because they aren't doesn't mean they are being childish or a pushover.

When someone posts "So I invited Bob over and he kicked my puppy and stole money.  So I invited him over again and he insulted me and broke my TV.  So Invited him over again and set my kitchen on fire.  So Invited him over again, what is the etiquette for dealing with him?.  You don't!  End of story, stop inviting Bob over.

I skip the "wahhhhh I'm allowing people to take advantage of me" posts because they drive me nuts.  You are a doormat and a pushover if you let someone continue a behavior you despise over and over and over and over.

I agree.
“My best/a good friend does (whatever) over and over and it really hurts me.  Aside from the horrible qualities, she’s a great friend with a good heart.  What’s the etiquette for dealing with her?”

"Friend?"  REALLY?
Etiquette?  You’re kidding.   

[Miss Unleaded]

My family back in my home state are chronically late.  We counter this by telling them a different time than the rest of the guests.  Dinner at 8?  We tell family it's at 7 and they will walk in on time at 8.
Or we just start without them.  It's simple as that. 

I have employed this method.

Does it continue to work once they realise what's up?