S/O Late again...why wait???

[ydpubs]

I have to agree with the others who just do no put up with chronic tardiness. My DH and I have a very, very low tolerance threshold for that kind of thing. We won't wait longer than 15 to 20 minutes or so and if someone was 30 or more minutes late more than a few times with no go reason, we don't make plans with that person any more.

I cannot fathom waiting hours and hours and hours over and over for years. I too have little sympathy for anyone who continually chooses to put themselves in this situation. Don't make plans with the late party any more and if it's a family member, do as some posters here have done and just leave as planned if the tardy people cannot get their acts together.

[LifeOnPluto]

I've thought about the actual topic question, and have a couple of possible reasons:

1) You think the pay-off will be worth it. Sure waiting around for a flaky friend sucks, but the thought of you and your friend having fun together, or doing some cool activity together keeps you hanging in there. And in my experience, flaky friends are often fun to be around... once they actually turn up!

2) You are not the host / organiser of the event, and the host / organiser has requested that everyone else wait for the latecomer. It's much harder to just get up and leave because (rightly or wrongly) it makes YOU look like you're being rude to the host / organiser. And if everyone else is happy to go along with whatever the host / organiser, you don't want to look like the only "bad sport" in the group.

[Geekychick1984]

I despise it when people are chronically late.  5-10 minutes isn't terrible, and sometimes unavoidable circumstances happen, but I think when it happens all the time, it's incredibly rude.  I don't understand how manyone can defend this behavior.  You're making other people wait, wasting their time, and possibly spoiling plans because you can't plan your time better.

My brother and SIL are late to everything.  For my birthday a few years ago, I had reservations to the Melting Pot.  They were 1 1/2 hours late.  Luckily, it was a weekday, so they held my reservation.  But I was mad.  I was crying even.  My DH didn't understand why I'd wait for them, and I still don't understand either.  We never made plans with them after that to do something time sensitive. I'd invite them over to parties where it didn't matter what time you showed up, or we'd make plans to get together, but wouldn't plan on a meal.  That's the only way I could keep a civil relationship.  If they weren't family, I honestly would have cut the friendship off after that (they'd been late to things before, but that was the worst).

[LadyClaire]

My ILs are late to everything, all the time. We had them over for christmas eve the year before last. They arrived something like an hour past the time dinner was supposed to be served. By that time one dish was pretty much ruined (it does not keep well, and I only made it because DH begged me to make it for his father) and everything else was either cold or dried out.

So we didn't invite them for christmas eve this past year. I told DH that if his family can't show enough consideration and respect to be on time, then I'm not interested in repeating the experience.

His family is bad about doing anything on time, really. His brother and SIL took our wedding photos. We got married on October 2nd. I didn't get my pictures until something like the end of March of the following year.

[Winterlight]

I've thought about the actual topic question, and have a couple of possible reasons:

1) You think the pay-off will be worth it. Sure waiting around for a flaky friend sucks, but the thought of you and your friend having fun together, or doing some cool activity together keeps you hanging in there. And in my experience, flaky friends are often fun to be around... once they actually turn up!

2) You are not the host / organiser of the event, and the host / organiser has requested that everyone else wait for the latecomer. It's much harder to just get up and leave because (rightly or wrongly) it makes YOU look like you're being rude to the host / organiser. And if everyone else is happy to go along with whatever the host / organiser, you don't want to look like the only "bad sport" in the group.

3) You are meeting to go somewhere, and they're driving.

[lowspark]

So why wait? Like some of the others, I'm happy to wait 10 or so minutes from the agreed on meeting time because that could just mean that the couldn't find a park etc.  Any longer than this, and I expect a phone call or text. 

Brisvegasgal, I'm using your quote but several people mentioned this and I wanted to comment on it. The phone call or text or whatever is definitely imparative. However, it does not mean that the person waiting is now obligated to wait further if the tardiness is going to go beyond a reasonable length, 10-15 minutes in my book.

I have a party every year that involves people bringing dishes and awards voted upon by all attendees for best tasting dish, prettyiest dish, etc. We always start pretty much on time as there are lots of dishes and everyone wants their dish to be in top form for the judging so they don't want their food sitting around waiting. Well, one time, one of the guests had her husband call me as she was on her way to let me know she was going to be late (due to some wonderful excuse I can't remember now) and to please wait for her. Foolishly, I agreed. Once she finally arrived, she then proceeded to take another 10+ minutes to set up her dish on the table.

That was it. I learned my lesson. After that, I made it part of the invitation information that we would start serving the food at exactly x:00 time and would not wait for anyone. Period. Regardless of the reason. Traffic, weather, family crisis, etc. I let everyone know that they can arrive up to an hour early but if they're late, that's their own choice and will not affect the starting time of the party. Latecomers never win any prizes because few people make a second round of the table after they've eaten so any dish that isn't on there when we start only gets tasted by a few people.

And I've stuck with it. And my chronically late friends (there are a couple, whom I never wait for under any circumstances) are miraculously always on time to this event. Again, consequences.

Regarding the question of what to do if you're with a group and the group wants to wait, well, it depends. If it's a ticketed event and you have your own ticket, I don't think it's rude to go on ahead and let whoever wants to wait, wait. You might be surprised that others will join you in going on ahead in. If it's at a restaurant waiting to order, I've gently urged the group to go ahead and order if it's more than just a few minutes. Again, once you speak up, there are usually others who also don't want to wait any longer but were just afraid to speak up.

[Daquiri40]

I don't know if anyone alse has had this reaction, but I find it interesting how, when confronted (or when the late person catches up with the others) they turn the tables:
"YOU are being unreasonable. 
When things don't go YOUR way YOU get an attitude.
Well, excuuuuuse me for having a hectic life.  Guess I'm suppused to ignore my kids to accommodate YOU."

Two co-workers and I would go for a Xmas shopping day and always had fun.  One co-worker decided it would be fun to invite our boss.  I had no problem with it as she was a nice lady.  A nice lady who couldn't be on time to her own child's wedding.  We met for breakfast before heading out and the boss was 45 min. late. 

She is always late.  Her excuse this time was, "you guys obviously don't have children!!!"  Her children were 16 and 18 years old.  My co-worker insisted on inviting the boss the next time.  I declined to go. 

The boss is hard to gripe at for being late.  And yes, starting time is 8:00 and she shows up for work at 9:30 almost every day for some new convaluted reason.

[Cami]

My mother's sister was chronically late for everything. By hours. We gave up waiting for her at family events and she'd pitch a terrible fit. As adults, my cousins have told me how they and their father would be ready, standing at the door or at the car, waiting... How they'd plead and beg with their mother to hurry up because they were embarrassed or had negative consequences for her behavior. NOTHING worked. She was hours late for everything. (She'd also go out shopping for Christmas at 11pm on Christmas Eve.)

Until...

My wedding. My cousin was a bridesmaid and we were so terrified that her mother would make her late to the wedding that she stayed at my house the night before my wedding. We all assumed she'd show up at her usual wedding arrival time -- somewhere around the middle of the reception, pitching a fit that there was no more food for her and her family of 9. Imagine our total shock when she showed up on time for the wedding. EVERYONE was asking her what happened. All she would say is that, "My sister made it clear that I didn't have an option about being on time." All my mother would say was, "I told my sister that there would be Con. Se. Quen. Ces. I'm her sister and I know Ev. Er. Y. Thing and I'm not afraid to use that information." 

To this day, none of us know what that information was. My mother took that to her grave. My aunt is still alive and still chronically late -- by hours -- for everything. Except my mother's funeral. She was on time for that and said, "My sister would find a way to come back from the dead and get me if I were late to her funeral."

Because of my aunt, I have zero tolerance for the chronically late. I start on time, leave when we planned, etc.

[elephantschild]

My MIL is chronically late. Nothing works. You can't shame her into being on time, because she's very, very sure that everyone should wait for her. She is The Matriarch.

It drives me nuts, but I mostly just let DH deal with her. The sad thing is that the family just believes that this is How It Is. Leaving without Mom would be unthinkable, and you can't make her move faster.

DH now puts his foot down more than the rest of them, and I'm pretty sure I'm blamed for that. 

[Dorrie78]

I got to mentor some younger women about this a couple of years ago. 4 of us were meeting in a parking lot to drive up to a hockey game together. The drive would be about 2 hours and we wanted to arrive early enough to tailgate. 3 of us were on time. 1 person did not show up. After 15 minutes I asked if she had called (I didn't know the 4th person). The organizer said she had not. I suggested that she call her. Organizer called and was told that she is "leaving and will be there in 10 minutes." I ask the organizer where this woman lives and she told me the neighborhood in DC (we are in North Arlington). I inform the organizer that the latecomer is at least 30 minutes away. I know this because I know this area very well and she was coming from NW DC, practically MD and there is no possible way that she can be here in 10 minutes, even if she hit every single green light.

We wait 10 minutes. Of course, late girl hasn't arrived. I suggest another call/text. This time there is no answer and several more calls go unanswered. We are now approaching 45 minutes late. I insist that we leave. The organizer (who is at least 10 years younger than me) hems and haws and worries that it would be rude and not nice and blah, blah, blah. I say that we are not rude to leave and that late girl is being unspeakably rude to not only be so late, but now refuse to answer her phone. Finally, after 20 more minutes of this, we leave. Late girl still hasn't shown up.

We get to hockey rink and enjoy our tailgate. Late girl actually shows up in her own car about 10 minutes before game starts - a good 2 hours after we arrive. She doesn't seem upset and in fact her excuse for being late was that she was washing her jeans.

I hope the organizer and the other on time girl learned a small lesson that a) it is so rude to be late like this and b) it's perfectly okay to leave when you plan to, even if everyone isn't there.

[LadyClaire]

Sometimes the late people don't show up on time for work ever, either.

Out of the 8 assistants at my work, only 3 of us are on time. We all have a similar schedule. Either 7:30-4:30 or 8:00-5:00. I have been late to work perhaps once or twice, and always due to things beyond my control (car accidents, weather, etc). One assistant doesn't get in until 10:00 A.M. sometimes. Another usually shows up anywhere from 8:30-9:30.

I sometimes get the "gee, must be nice to leave at 4:30!" from some of them, to which I reply "yes, it is nice. which is why I got here at 7:30 this morning."

They're lucky that our work place is so lax about making sure people are on time. If that ever changes I'll be interested to see what they do.

[jammytoast]

My DBF has a chronic lateness problem - but he is getting a lot better, with help from me.

He was 30 minutes late for our first date (I'd known him for 6+ years at that point and knew he had punctuality issues, otherwise I would have given up!), and he's notorious amongst our friends for being 30+ minutes late for most things.

Since we've moved in together, things have improved, and I realised that for him it's largely a problem of having no idea how long things take. He'd start getting ready to leave 5 minutes before the start time of an event other side of town because 'it only takes 5 minutes to get there'..

Threats, tears and some serious talks later, he no now longer needs persuading that I am in fact correct when I tell him our timescales for getting places on time. Consequently we are now on time for everything (I like to be bang on time+2 minutes depending on what it is), but it's taken a lot of work, and I'm sure he is still late for things where I can't make him be on time.. I'm still training him in mastering the art of 'ringing when going to be late'. Yes, I know it might make you later. Yes, it's still important you do it.. 

As for why wait? Well, if someone is good company, and they're predictably late, then it's doable, as long as you have very low expectations. One of the problem is late people never experience the sheer irritation of waiting for someone who is late, which I think can be the cause of the 'what's all the fuss about?!' reaction. I've tried being late for things to show BF what it's like, but a) I find this hard, and b) he's normally still later than me, so it doesn't work.

In the original OP, I would gone, and then left after an hour, tops. And then never repeated the experience. Even BF has never been later than an hour!

[VorFemme]

Sometimes the late people don't show up on time for work ever, either.

Out of the 8 assistants at my work, only 3 of us are on time. We all have a similar schedule. Either 7:30-4:30 or 8:00-5:00. I have been late to work perhaps once or twice, and always due to things beyond my control (car accidents, weather, etc). One assistant doesn't get in until 10:00 A.M. sometimes. Another usually shows up anywhere from 8:30-9:30.

I sometimes get the "gee, must be nice to leave at 4:30!" from some of them, to which I reply "yes, it is nice. which is why I got here at 7:30 this morning."

They're lucky that our work place is so lax about making sure people are on time. If that ever changes I'll be interested to see what they do.

My Dad worked with a guy like this for years.  Their supervisor tolerated it because the guy was a musician....or something along those lines and "everyone knows that those artistic types are always late".  Years.....

Supervisor retires and Dad (the German guy who was raised to be on-time by being at least a few minutes early or else by his parents) ended up being promotoed to supervisor's position.  He had a meeting with the entire staff (all two of them now that he was the supervisor) and reminded them about when they were supposed to get there, when the events that they were leading started, and so forth on the way things were going to work.  Including that it you were more than about five minutes late (traffic, road repairs, car trouble, or other once in a while delays), he would be writing your "late" time down as vacation time because (state institution - there were consequences, supposedly, for being late - but previous supervisor was apparently bullet proof on when the artistic type musician came to work).

Dad wasn't sure that he had inherited the bullet proofing......

By the time Dad had been a supervisor for three months, the guy had gone back to his old habits of wandering in "whenever".  He'd also burned through a lot of excess leave accumulation (he usually HAD to take vacation or loose it at the end of the fiscal year, because he didn't take his full two weeks vacation every year before then).  He didn't need to that year or ever again before he retired (medical rather than age) because he was now using enough in being late that it didn't accumulate to that extent. 

Dad's supervisor made comments about artistic types being late and Dad mentioned that music lessons, symphonies, and church services still had to start on time - and they all relied on musicians......  He may not have been bullet proof, but he never got shot down over it.  He made it to his retirement.

[pierrotlunaire0]

I once started a thread about 4 years ago concerning something I had witnessed.  It was Mother's Day, and we were at an extremely nice restaurant.  Reservations had to be made at least 4 weeks in advance.

At the table next to us arrives a family: Grandma (obviously the guest of honor), her son and daughter-in-law, and a grandson.  There was a fifth seat at the table, and by what they said, there was another son.  He could not attend at all, but his wife (other DIL) was attending the luncheon.

They ordered drinks, and when the drinks arrive, Grandma says to the server, "Well, we are expecting one more person, but we don't know when she will be here.  So we are going to go ahead and order now.  When she arrives, she can place her order then." 

About 15-20 minutes later, other DIL shows up, and although she tries to hide it, is quite obviously shocked that they have started without her.  "I was looking for a parking place!"

"That's all right," Grandmother replied.  "I told them that you could order when you arrived."

Now, I don't know the history here, but it sure sounded like other DIL had a history of being late, and Grandma, gently but inexorably, put a stop to it.

[LadyClaire]

Dad's supervisor made comments about artistic types being late and Dad mentioned that music lessons, symphonies, and church services still had to start on time - and they all relied on musicians......  He may not have been bullet proof, but he never got shot down over it.  He made it to his retirement.

That attitude drives me crazy. I'm artistic and I am always on time unless it is something entirely beyond my control. My very detail oriented husband, on the other hand, is more of a "fly by the seat of your pants" type when it comes to timing. Usually we get somewhere on time because I've prodded, poked, and dragged him to be there on time.