S/O Late again...why wait???

[perpetua]

Dad's supervisor made comments about artistic types being late and Dad mentioned that music lessons, symphonies, and church services still had to start on time - and they all relied on musicians......  He may not have been bullet proof, but he never got shot down over it.  He made it to his retirement.

That attitude drives me crazy. I'm artistic and I am always on time unless it is something entirely beyond my control. My very detail oriented husband, on the other hand, is more of a "fly by the seat of your pants" type when it comes to timing. Usually we get somewhere on time because I've prodded, poked, and dragged him to be there on time.

It's the same for me. I am a musician, I'm scatty to the nth degree, couldn't organise a drinking session in a brewery, and sometimes entire days slip past me without me accomplishing a thing. But I'm never late.

My partner, on the other hand, is a design engineer, completely detail oriented, completely unable to see the big picture in any situation, yet has absolutely *no* grasp of the concept of 'being somewhere when you say you will', often to the degree that he doesn't turn up at all and I have to text and call to find out if he's going to show up or not.

[VorFemme]

Dad's supervisor made comments about artistic types being late and Dad mentioned that music lessons, symphonies, and church services still had to start on time - and they all relied on musicians......  He may not have been bullet proof, but he never got shot down over it.  He made it to his retirement.

That attitude drives me crazy. I'm artistic and I am always on time unless it is something entirely beyond my control. My very detail oriented husband, on the other hand, is more of a "fly by the seat of your pants" type when it comes to timing. Usually we get somewhere on time because I've prodded, poked, and dragged him to be there on time.

It's the same for me. I am a musician, I'm scatty to the nth degree, couldn't organise a drinking session in a brewery, and sometimes entire days slip past me without me accomplishing a thing. But I'm never late.

My partner, on the other hand, is a design engineer, completely detail oriented, completely unable to see the big picture in any situation, yet has absolutely *no* grasp of the concept of 'being somewhere when you say you will', often to the degree that he doesn't turn up at all and I have to text and call to find out if he's going to show up or not.

Not to be politically incorrect or give too many specifics - but the musician had at least two more "cards" that could have been played as excuses....and the first boss excused him for all the wrong reasons.

AS Dad said when he took over the department, their scheduled events had to start on time, even the music related ones.  So the guy had to be there and it wasn't discriminating against musicians or males (or any other category that he might have fit into) to expect him to be there on time to set up and do his job.  Music was needed at x o'clock, he needed ten minutes to set up (example) then he had to walk in to work at least a few minutes before the start of events.  He rarely did...

[blueyzca01]

I came from a family that ran like clockwork: we were told the departure time, and if your butt wasn’t in the car, my dad would leave without you.

When exDH and I were first married, I ran into problems like this with his family ALL.THE.TIME.  He came from a HUGE family, and his sisters insisted on waiting for everyone to arrive at the parents’ house before leaving en masse to wherever we were going.  Sometimes we’d be waiting for a couple hours.  Eventually, this was made even more annoying by certain brothers who said, “Call me when everyone else is there and I’ll come over.”  Logically, this doesn’t work when there are multiple people doing this.

So, I decided that we weren’t waiting for everyone to get there just so we could leave together.  I announced one day that “We’re going and we’ll meet you there!”  I grabbed DH and we left, just the two of us.  You would have thought I set their children on fire by the way they carried on because I had the audacity to leave and not be part of the caravan. 

Nowadays, current DH asks me what time we’re leaving.  As long as he’s ready to go out the door at the agreed-upon departure time, I don’t care when he starts getting ready. 

[Marbles]

I think that a lot of people just don't know that they have the option to not wait. That the thought just doesn't register. I know that was true for me before eHell. The few times that I have been caught by Laddie Late, I would be checking my watch, but not with the intent of saying "I'll leave at XX:16, even if he isn't here." I'd just be growing more irritated.

I also find that my willingness to be accommodating about lateness in others has decreased dramatically now that I have kids who will be cranky and unpleasant when they are forced to go hungry for too long.

Since coming here, I've been much more willing to make a cutoff time (though TBH, it doesn't come up for me that often). For instance, this past Christmas, I hosted dinner here at my house. I always give an event start time and a meal start time because I have been burned by this in the past*. My in-laws all arrived early and we got to spend some lovely time together. My father, who is chronically late, called (at least he always calls  ) about a half hour before dinner to say that he was just leaving and that he would be a little late (it's 45 min to an hour between our houses). I said that was fine, but that we would likely start without him. And we did. He seemed a bit perturbed by it, but didn't say anything.

Dad's current GF get on his case about being late. His excuse? "I'm not as bad as [ex-wife]!"  (It's true, the event start time was when ex-wife would leave home.) The last time Dad and his GF visited, they arrived 10 minutes early and I was shocked. Later that day, I checked my email and they had sent me a note the night before saying they were aiming to be here a half hour earlier than we had agreed upon. So, actually, they were 20 minutes late.


* One family celebration, we were to be at my Dad & his (now-ex)wife's house for lunch at 1:00. Well, we showed up at one to find her just starting to cook the raw turkey we were to be having. Needless to say, we didn't eat until several hours after that.

[Lynn2000]

I think that a lot of people just don't know that they have the option to not wait. That the thought just doesn't register. I know that was true for me before eHell. The few times that I have been caught by Laddie Late, I would be checking my watch, but not with the intent of saying "I'll leave at XX:16, even if he isn't here." I'd just be growing more irritated.

I think this is a good point. I don't know where this gets ingrained in us, but I know that I would really have to put an effort into thinking calmly and logically to realize that 1) the person was unusually late; and 2) it would be reasonable to go and do X without them. And figuring out whether or not I should try to contact them first, or if they should have contacted me, would be another few minutes. Heck, if they were only a little bit late, they would probably show up while I was still standing there trying to decide what to do. I realize that's not true of everyone, though. I think in my case, my impulse would be to go on without them, but since I know I'm kind of selfish, I would have to stop and think for a while if that action was appropriate or not.

[gen xer]

I think that a lot of people just don't know that they have the option to not wait. That the thought just doesn't register. I know that was true for me before eHell. The few times that I have been caught by Laddie Late, I would be checking my watch, but not with the intent of saying "I'll leave at XX:16, even if he isn't here." I'd just be growing more irritated.

I think this is a good point. I don't know where this gets ingrained in us, but I know that I would really have to put an effort into thinking calmly and logically to realize that 1) the person was unusually late; and 2) it would be reasonable to go and do X without them. And figuring out whether or not I should try to contact them first, or if they should have contacted me, would be another few minutes. Heck, if they were only a little bit late, they would probably show up while I was still standing there trying to decide what to do. I realize that's not true of everyone, though. I think in my case, my impulse would be to go on without them, but since I know I'm kind of selfish, I would have to stop and think for a while if that action was appropriate or not.

I have a three pronged expert analysis here...

1. A lot of us just end up trying to salvage what's left rather than write off the plans etc altogether. 
2. We were trained never to make waves and we are afraid of damaging our relationships beyond repair with a "bold" move like leaving rather than waiting indefinitely
3.  Many of us - myself included - have occasionally been late before ourselves and always hope for forgiveness and understanding...I know in my case I get angry with chronic offenders but as an occasional offender myself it's a little harder to get indignant when I am the one waiting knowing I have been the guilty party before.

That being said the chronic offenders are a whole other ball of wax and I do not think it's rude to make them face the consequences of their actions...heck I don't even have a problem facing the consequences as an occasionally late person.  It's what more people need.

[Elfmama]

My family back in my home state are chronically late.  We counter this by telling them a different time than the rest of the guests.  Dinner at 8?  We tell family it's at 7 and they will walk in on time at 8.
Or we just start without them.  It's simple as that.  And some just never learn to be on time but they need to accept the consequence of being late.  Now on the flip side of the coin, if you have a chronically late friend, you can't get mad every time they are late either.  So in a way you make a choice to put up with it or not be their friend anymore.

One of my DDs tried that with her MIL.  MIL was told a holiday dinner was at 1.  It actually was scheduled for 3. When she didn't show up by 3:30, they called and told her that they were waiting dinner for her.  MIL didn't walk in the door until 6, FIVE HOURS after she had been told to come and two and a half hours after she was told that it was on the table waiting.  And then the woman had the consummate gall to complain that the food was cold and dried out!

 DD didn't want to upset her DH or her MIL, a woman that didn't get along with her anyway.  And as a young woman I might have done the same thing, but I've gotten meaner as I get older.   DH would have been told "*I* am eating now while the food is still edible.  Our other guests, the ones who were polite enough to be on time, will be served now.  You can either join us or wait for your mother."

[blarg314]

I can think of several reasons why people wait.

1) It's worth the fuss of waiting  for the rest of the friendship. Friend is chronically late, but also great fun, generous, and otherwise a good support, so you put up with their quirk.

2) The chronically late person is someone you can't/don't want to offend, or don't want to deal with the apocalypse that will result from standing up to them. (relatives who will throw a public temper tantrum, sulk and give you the silent treatment for starting without them, for example).

3) You get something in return - late friend tends to pay, or has the car, or the access to cheap tickets.

4) You're annoyed, but have been socialized to be nice and not make a fuss. Standing up to chronic lateness frequently results  in a fuss, often a public one, and it can be hard to make that jump, and to risk the friendship with someone oversensitive.

There's also a more complex psychological reaction - there's a tendency for people to pour more resources into something that's already absorbed a lot already, rather than to cut their losses and run. So after you've waited for 20 minutes, you figure that you might as well wait until they show up, or the time you've already put into it is wasted.

And finally, I think cell phones have made things worse. Without cellphones, if you were waiting at a venue for someone, and they didn't show up, you'd assume that they weren't coming, or got the place/time wrong, and leave after a reasonable wait. You'd also have to make sure to factor in extra time for traffic/parking, or risk getting left behind.

With cellphones, you get the call at the meeting time saying "We're just leaving the house - be there in 15 minutes!" Then 20 minutes later you get the call "Traffic is really bad - be there in 15 minutes", and 20 minutes later "Trying to find parking - be there soon" and before you know it, you've been waiting an hour, when without the cell calls, you'd have left 15 minutes after the stated meeting time.