Author Topic: What type of thank you is appropriate?  (Read 3481 times)

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Deetee

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Re: What type of thank you is appropriate?
« Reply #15 on: February 10, 2013, 08:48:52 PM »
People have nice suggestions. My only other thought is to let your mom some cuddle time  with the baby to herself. Maybe ask her to look after the baby while you go for a short walk or maybe a nap. There is something very special about just being with the baby ( especially when they look at you and then go sleep. You feel so trustworthy and comfortable)

My MIL still talks fondly about the 30 minutes that I left her with the baby 4 years ago. I was careful not to "impose" with requests for babysitting and my MIL was careful not to overstep and I think she ended up spending less special time with the baby than she may have wanted. I have another on the way and I think I'll worry a little less about imposing on her.

LilacRosey

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Re: What type of thank you is appropriate?
« Reply #16 on: February 10, 2013, 10:14:30 PM »
I love gift cards!, LilacRosey

MaryMy

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Re: What type of thank you is appropriate?
« Reply #17 on: February 10, 2013, 10:44:09 PM »
People have nice suggestions. My only other thought is to let your mom some cuddle time  with the baby to herself. Maybe ask her to look after the baby while you go for a short walk or maybe a nap. There is something very special about just being with the baby ( especially when they look at you and then go sleep. You feel so trustworthy and comfortable)

My MIL still talks fondly about the 30 minutes that I left her with the baby 4 years ago. I was careful not to "impose" with requests for babysitting and my MIL was careful not to overstep and I think she ended up spending less special time with the baby than she may have wanted. I have another on the way and I think I'll worry a little less about imposing on her.



This! With my daughters daughter I had lots of time to shower kisses on her sweet head. I had time to let her cuddle up on me and just think about the great times with my own children and to cherish my time with this baby. I had time to make up a song just for her that has soothed her for the last 6 years. I had time to wash her head so mommy didn't have to shower her kisses on top of my breathe.

With my son's son it is not the same. It feels like supervised visits. I have offered to watch my gs so my DIL can do shopping, go for a lunch, have a dinner alone with my son. But I don't feel the freedom to just shower kisses like I want. When I hold him I feel a song coming to me but because I sing badly and off key I can't test it out while DIL is around. And I know I have a grandson song bubbling! I give my DIL the respect and space she needs. She is the mommy. I just wish she understood all I want to do is hold the baby and let my love for him bloom.

If you love and trust your mom give her a bit of time alone with the baby. Just as you are bonding with baby so is she.

gramma dishes

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Re: What type of thank you is appropriate?
« Reply #18 on: February 10, 2013, 11:15:43 PM »
....   When I hold him I feel a song coming to me but because I sing badly and off key I can't test it out while DIL is around. And I know I have a grandson song bubbling!

Have you told ever told her this? 

I give my DIL the respect and space she needs. She is the mommy. I just wish she understood all I want to do is hold the baby and let my love for him bloom.

Maybe she is really conscientious and doesn't want you to feel like you're being taken advantage of.  Again, have you told her what you want to do?  If she's a good mother (and we have no reason to think she isn't) she'd almost certainly be pleased that you want to establish that kind of closeness with her child.
...

mstigerlily

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Re: What type of thank you is appropriate?
« Reply #19 on: February 11, 2013, 11:19:29 AM »
along the lines of the framed photo, maybe a photo book? It's really easy to get printed at tons of online places for not too much money or time.
My mom would probably love a gift certificate to a day spa maybe (even better if it's a mother-daughter day!- look for a local salon school, they often to discount treatments).


The most important thing is to tell her a heartfelt thank you and telling her how much you love and appreciate her.

shygirl

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Re: What type of thank you is appropriate?
« Reply #20 on: February 11, 2013, 11:42:32 AM »
My mom stayed with us for a few weeks after my son was born, and like your mom, she helped out A LOT.  It would have been weird to do anything "formal" as a thank you, and money/gift cards would have been kind of insulting, I think.

I gave her a nice framed photo of her and my son, and then filled up a little photo book with lots of pictures to take home.

Ceallach

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Re: What type of thank you is appropriate?
« Reply #21 on: February 11, 2013, 10:42:12 PM »
My mom did that for me. Here's what she wanted: for me to love her. For me to want her around. For me to want her to be a regular part of my life. For me to care for her sometimes when she needs it. For me to be well, and happy, and off to a good start. For me to now and then let her know, in very convincing ways, that I know what a wonderful mom she is (I used to call her at random times when my friends were having a tough time w/ their parents and say, "thanks for being a mom like you, instead of a mom like hers")

Other thank-yous just get in the way, in a situation like that.

I hope to be your mom someday. And personally I would feel that a more conventional or formal "thank you" would actually CREATE distance.

Toots, you've absolutely hit the nail on the head.  Nurturing is how my mother shows love, she has a very strong need to "be needed" (as we all do, but for various reasons hers is particularly strong).    And the potential for making it feel too impersonal and create distance is exactly what I thought re a thank you gift - it could cheapen the whole thing.

I really like all the suggestions re photos etc.   DH is going to try to get a good pic of her with bubs and we'll frame and post it to her.  So it won't be a formal thank you connected to her visit but it will be a gesture of appreciation and affection in general.  She has had plenty of grandbaby cuddle time too - although for the most part her focus is on encouraging me with him, she also takes him while I shower, and she has stayed up with him some evenings when I needed sleep and he wanted to party!  (Not crying, just awake and cuddly).

This is an interesting example of how not black-and-white relationships are.   If anybody researched my previous threads in depth they'd probably question whether this is the same mother I've always had.  My mother can be controversially opinionated, very judgmental, and sometimes has the worst foot-in-mouth possible and makes very thoughtless comments.  There have been big issues in the past.   But two of her big strengths are 1. Nurturing and 2. Babies.   Some of my relatives were surprised that she was coming to stay with me and that it would cause us more stress, but I knew that this is the type of situation where she excels and is happy, I've seen her do it before.  She knows exactly what a new mother needs and what a baby needs, and how to keep a household running.   She has been wonderful and we're very grateful.   But in a weird way she's also grateful to us for the opportunity to do this for us... which I realise sounds nuts, but she wants to be needed and wants to have a role in our lives.   There hasn't been a cross word between us and I'll be sorry to see her go so soon.   
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LibraryLady

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Re: What type of thank you is appropriate?
« Reply #22 on: February 12, 2013, 12:37:39 PM »
when you send the photo, write a letter and tell her exactly that; tell how much you loved her being there, nurturing both you, the baby and your family.  Get some pretty stationary , and maybe even get an ink pad and do prints of the baby's hand or foot  on the letter too.  That would be cute.

Used to people would do plaster casts of baby feet; I remember seeing them.

TootsNYC

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Re: What type of thank you is appropriate?
« Reply #23 on: February 12, 2013, 04:59:10 PM »
Ceallach, then I vote for going out for a while and giving her some time w/ the baby all by herself. So she can be goofy, etc., without feeling that anybody is watching her.

And so she can feel proprietary about the baby ("my baby") for a little bit of time without any conflict with her urge to respect your right/position as "the mom."

Some spontaneous hugs from you (which will also help sweeten and strengthen your relationship with her when those inevitable clashes some at some other time).

Tell the baby, "You have the bestest Grandma!" while she's listening.

Make up a "we love Grandma" song and sing it to the baby.

CakeBeret

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Re: What type of thank you is appropriate?
« Reply #24 on: February 12, 2013, 05:47:14 PM »
I would first write her a heartfelt letter telling her how special she is to you, how much you value and appreciate her. And then in a few weeks or months, take her out for a pedicure and dinner, when you can leave baby for that long.
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gramma dishes

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Re: What type of thank you is appropriate?
« Reply #25 on: February 12, 2013, 07:33:02 PM »
I would first write her a heartfelt letter telling her how special she is to you, how much you value and appreciate her. And then in a few weeks or months, take her out for a pedicure and dinner, when you can leave baby for that long.

Actually, her Mom might be happier for HER to go out for a pedicure and dinner and let her (Grandma) continue to bond with the baby while they're out.  :D   Let Mommy and Daddy bond with each other for a couple of baby free hours. 

Jaelle

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Re: What type of thank you is appropriate?
« Reply #26 on: February 12, 2013, 09:25:52 PM »
Others have had good ideas. I'm just ducking in to say congratulations!  :D
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bopper

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Re: What type of thank you is appropriate?
« Reply #27 on: February 13, 2013, 02:21:41 PM »
Imagine you are your mom, and you are helping with your daughter and your new grandchild.
You are delighted that you are physically able to help, you are delighted that your grandchild is healthy, you are delighted that you daughter is healthy, you are delighted that you have a good relationship with your daughter and son and law where you are welcome in their home, you are delighted that they take your offer of help and your actual help as, well, help, rather than an attempt to control.

You would want to be acknowledged for your help, that it is wonderful, that is not an entitlement.  You don't want to feel like you are being paid for what you are doing out of love.

So I agree with giving her things that are grandmotherly....some time playing with the baby that isn't work time, a picture with the baby, and her overhearing you tell people what a great help she was!

Betelnut

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Re: What type of thank you is appropriate?
« Reply #28 on: February 13, 2013, 04:22:23 PM »
Last year, my Mom left her house and my Dad (in Dallas) and stayed with me for 4 MONTHS (in Maryland) while I underwent chemo.  She did so much it really was impossible to thank her enough.  Her 80th birthday was in November and all of the sisters did a book about her life.  I put a lot of effort into making my part of the book really, really nice to thank her for her help.

Some sort of memento like that might be nice (pics of the new grandchild, etc.)
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