S/O baby clothes

[snowdragon]

- My little bundle's great-grandmother reacted very upset when she realized I am passing along clothes to a friend. And now of course I feel guilty. But I honestly do not see how keeping clothes that are way too small around forever, when you could help someone else with them.

Did you ask her why? Where they heirlooms of some sort or did she make them?  or could she realize that this is the last baby she'll be able to buy for and want to have some things passed on to other kids in the family or the connection?

[m2kbug]

Like with anything, there might be some outfits you borrow.  We don't dress up much and I don't want to buy a dress if the kidlet is going to outgrow it in four months, so borrowing a dress and returning it, is better.  But to give away a bunch of baby clothes and expect them back seems wrong.  At least mention it up front and give the recipient the option of keeping track of them, and certainly expect certain things might get ruined.  I, personally, wouldn't want to try to keep track of them or worry about them getting ruined, so I would decline the offer.  Plus, I might want to hang on to the items in the event there is another baby, so may as well just purchase clothing that I can keep. 

I hung on to all my baby clothes in the event we might have another.  When that door closed, I shipped them off to charity.  If I knew anyone with a baby on the way, I probably would have given them to that person. 

I've given bags and bags of clothes to my sister.  She picks what she wants and donates the rest.  Where or to whom, I don't know.  They are hers to do with as she pleases.  Admittedly, I would probably be upset if I found she was selling the donated items.  She received them for free, and I think it is a pay it forward type of thing.  But I don't really have a say once I have given them to her.  I can just donate them to charity instead of giving them to her, or sell these items myself.

Baby furniture or stroller, I have given "on loan."  Again, not sure if another baby would come along at some point, I did want these items back.  This was made known up front.  If I no longer had use for the furniture, they are free to keep the items or dispose of them as they see fit. 

I do agree, with you that it seems D should have donated the items, but I also agree, once you give the items away, you really don't have a say on what they do with them.

[SheltieMom]

My "babies" are all grown, but I have a box of special clothes and toys for each one. The first one is about to be passed along to my oldest son for my grandson who is due in May. Everything else was passed on with no expectation of getting anything back.

Now I'm in a totally different situation. I do transition foster care, mostly with newborn babies who are waiting for adoptive families. Because I don't know when I'll get a baby, or whether it will be a boy or girl, tiny or 3 months old, winter or summer, (or twins!) I have a room full of baby stuff. I have loaned out baby clothes several times, especially preemie sizes. Even tiny babies don't stay in preemie or even newborn size very long, so I've offered my tiny clothes to several friends. Everything is marked with my name, and I make sure they know I want them back. I also have special equipment, such as SwaddlePods and  a support for babies with reflux. Those things that someone might need for a short time, and there's no point in them spending the money on a short term need if I'm not using mine. Obviously, my situation is different from most, but that's the way I handle it.

I also buy and sell at Just Between Friends, and that's a great way to recycle clothes you don't need, and get almost things for a great price.

[Syrse]

OP here, thanks for sharing your stories 

About our little bundle's great grandmother, it actually does make sense that she expects us to pop out another one. I'm just not really sure that will ever happen We'll see. As for the family, she only has two grandchildren, and the other one is nowhere near having kids.

As for D, it's not so much that she sold a couple of things. It's the fact that everybody went above and beyond to help her, and she sold every single thing she got. I can understand selling the big bits, but to not even donate a few clothes, when it's so very easy to donate over here... But of course I have no say over what she does with her gifts. It just struck me as a bit odd, especially since she got quite a few second hand things as well as new.

[otterwoman]

Since DD was born, we have received lots of clothes and gear from other people. Some I have given away to others, some I donated, and some I sold. I have used the money from the sold items to buy new(er) things. It is a good way to keep costs down.

Whenever anyone gave us something, I would ask upfront if they wanted any of it back. 99% of the time the answer was no. The one time someone did want something back, I just hung it in the closet for a year and then handed it back.

[Take2]

What did you expect D to do? She was in a tight spot, her friends rallied to provide baby things for her when she had a baby. Baby grew, baby things became obsolete. But she somehow had some responsibility to store those things for some possible future child indefinitely, without being asked to do so? Babies grow into children, and they just keep on needing things, selling those baby gifts and buying kid supplies seems like a perfectly reasonable thing to do.

[Syrse]

What did you expect D to do? She was in a tight spot, her friends rallied to provide baby things for her when she had a baby. Baby grew, baby things became obsolete. But she somehow had some responsibility to store those things for some possible future child indefinitely, without being asked to do so? Babies grow into children, and they just keep on needing things, selling those baby gifts and buying kid supplies seems like a perfectly reasonable thing to do.

Again, I can understand her getting rid of them, even selling a few big items, but selling every single thing she got as a gift? Personally, that kind of stung.

And no, I didn't expect her to store everything. But since lots of people helped her out, I sort of expected her to, you know, help other people in return. I'm probably taking it a bit too personal though.

[Mikayla]

I think this is know your audience.  In my extended family, there was a 5 year period not long ago where every 6 months, a new one was on the way.  The "expectation" was that outfits were being loaned and passed around.  Nobody would have flipped or even noticed if one person had saved one outfit, but there was a lot of joking about hoping Baby A grew quickly enough so Baby B could make use of the latest batch. 

In this situation, I think the person who commented about D was incredibly rude to say what she did.  There's nothing wrong with D selling something given to her as a gift. 

ETA:  Cross posting.  Syrse, it's all about group expectations, not about whether or not she's being helped out.  Many gifts are all about helping someone, but the giver doesn't retain control over what happens after that.

[Syrse]

Well, I'm here to learn, so thanks 

In defense of the person who commented on D, I'm sure she didn't mean anything by it, it was just a 'oh a new baby in the line, now the stuff can move on' kind of thing, without realizing not everybody did that.
It didn't help that D wanted a second child along the line to confuse matters even more. But it was definitely a foot in mouth moment.

[WillyNilly]

What did you expect D to do? She was in a tight spot, her friends rallied to provide baby things for her when she had a baby. Baby grew, baby things became obsolete. But she somehow had some responsibility to store those things for some possible future child indefinitely, without being asked to do so? Babies grow into children, and they just keep on needing things, selling those baby gifts and buying kid supplies seems like a perfectly reasonable thing to do.

Again, I can understand her getting rid of them, even selling a few big items, but selling every single thing she got as a gift? Personally, that kind of stung.

And no, I didn't expect her to store everything. But since lots of people helped her out, I sort of expected her to, you know, help other people in return. I'm probably taking it a bit too personal though.

But "passing things along" and "helping other people in return" are not one and the same. When you were chatting with your group of people about that next friend being pregnant, did D say she wasn't going to give the expectant mom anything at all, let her fend for herself, or did she simply say she no longer had the items that were given to her because she sold them? 

The stuff was given to her because she was in a tight spot.  How wonderful.  But by selling stuff as it became unneeded, surely it helped her to buy the next round of necessities, thereby removing herself from the "need" list and putting her into a 'self supporting' position.  By selling the gifts after they were used, those gifts kept on helping her out - which had been the original intent of them.

And quite honestly, did she go down an itemized list of what she sold to you?  Or how she sold them?  Its very possible she sold in bulk (a box of baby clothes, size whatever, for example) or that she sold some stuff and gave away others, and some wasn't reusable, etc but she just categorized it in her head as "sold".  I sold a massage table on Craigslist.  I advertised the table and its bag only.  But the buyer was a lovely young woman, very polite, on time, etc, so I offered her a bunch of assorted massage supplies (sheets, face cover cases, oils, etc) for no additional charge since I didn't need them without the table.  In my mind I "sold" the whole kit & kaboodle, but it could just as easily be said I gave away half the stuff.

[Yvaine]

Well, I'm here to learn, so thanks 

In defense of the person who commented on D, I'm sure she didn't mean anything by it, it was just a 'oh a new baby in the line, now the stuff can move on' kind of thing, without realizing not everybody did that.

Well, and from my reading of the OP, it sounds like these items were presented to her as gifts, rather than pass-em-arounds (for example, you say you bought her a baby gift). If they were given to her, honest-to-goodness given, then it was up to her what to do with them. Kids keep on needing stuff, and you don't get a "my kid is 2 now" shower, kwim? She probably needed the money. The only "paying it forward" she might need to do is reciprocate when the next baby came along--reciprocate to the tune of one gift, like each individual person did for her, not pass along every single thing she owned. It doesn't sound like anyone gave her every single baby thing they owned--they each gave her a little and it added up. (And even that she wouldn't "owe"--it's just that it would be the nice thing for her to do.)

Now, if your friends lent her stuff with the understanding that it was a loan, then she was out of line and should have hung on to it.

It might help if I could put my finger on the exact nature of the issue you're having. At times in this thread it sounds like you think people should never sell a gift and she should have donated to charity instead, but then at other times it sounds like she should have kept all the actual items and passed them along to people in the friend group. Is the problem that she made money, or is it that she doesn't have the things anymore?

[Syrse]

It might help if I could put my finger on the exact nature of the issue you're having. At times in this thread it sounds like you think people should never sell a gift and she should have donated to charity instead, but then at other times it sounds like she should have kept all the actual items and passed them along to people in the friend group. Is the problem that she made money, or is it that she doesn't have the things anymore?

I think, to be honest, the actual problem I had with her was not about how she sold it all. Kids are expensive, and gifts are indeed just that, a gift.
I think my problem might be with that she found it very normal that everybody helped her out, but never really helped out other people at all. This is all in hindsight, but after the friendship cooled I could not remember a single time she helped someone out, or gave me a gift, or anything like that. It was very much a one way street.
But that is besides the question of the topic, really. Moving on 

[Yvaine]

It might help if I could put my finger on the exact nature of the issue you're having. At times in this thread it sounds like you think people should never sell a gift and she should have donated to charity instead, but then at other times it sounds like she should have kept all the actual items and passed them along to people in the friend group. Is the problem that she made money, or is it that she doesn't have the things anymore?

I think, to be honest, the actual problem I had with her was not about how she sold it all. Kids are expensive, and gifts are indeed just that, a gift.
I think my problem might be with that she found it very normal that everybody helped her out, but never really helped out other people at all. This is all in hindsight, but after the friendship cooled I could not remember a single time she helped someone out, or gave me a gift, or anything like that. It was very much a one way street.
But that is besides the question of the topic, really. Moving on 

Well, if she never gave anybody else any gifts, then there's your problem right there. Friendships are supposed to be a 2-way street. She didn't need to give the next mom all the gifts she got--but she should give her friends something sometimes, kwim? Even if she was flat broke, there were ways she could have done nice things for her friends sometimes.

[BeagleMommy]

OP, while I've never heard of anyone in my social circle selling baby items I don't think it is rude or wrong.  Just circumstances, I guess.

Your GG's comment about passing along baby things reminds me of an Erma Bombeck book where she says you should always hang on to some of your children's baby things because the moment you get rid of them you'll end up pregnant again.  Kind of an insurance policy.

[NyaChan]

There are more ways of helping people out and reciprocating than just giving back the same sort of help.  Even if she didn't reciprocate in other ways, that is a separate issue from what she did with the gifts she received.  I don't think she did anything wrong by selling all the baby items when she could no longer use them.