S/O baby clothes

[VorFemme]

It might help if I could put my finger on the exact nature of the issue you're having. At times in this thread it sounds like you think people should never sell a gift and she should have donated to charity instead, but then at other times it sounds like she should have kept all the actual items and passed them along to people in the friend group. Is the problem that she made money, or is it that she doesn't have the things anymore?

I think, to be honest, the actual problem I had with her was not about how she sold it all. Kids are expensive, and gifts are indeed just that, a gift.
I think my problem might be with that she found it very normal that everybody helped her out, but never really helped out other people at all. This is all in hindsight, but after the friendship cooled I could not remember a single time she helped someone out, or gave me a gift, or anything like that. It was very much a one way street.
But that is besides the question of the topic, really. Moving on 

Well, if she never gave anybody else any gifts, then there's your problem right there. Friendships are supposed to be a 2-way street. She didn't need to give the next mom all the gifts she got--but she should give her friends something sometimes, kwim? Even if she was flat broke, there were ways she could have done nice things for her friends sometimes.

Yeah, I had a SIL like that.  Loaned items were trashed instead of returned.  For some reason, she didn't like it when she stopped getting "stuff", though.

It wasn't a pretty divorce, either.... (edited when I found out that my Android tablet didn't enter MY post at the end of the previous posts).

[Lynn2000]

If someone gave me a gift and then later casually suggested in public that I would be giving that item to someone else, I'd look at them like they had two heads too.   

POD to this. (Though I realize according to updates that the larger issue may have been that D received help but never gave it, in general.) I think it's very rude to assume/suggest that someone pass on their personal possessions to another person, if they haven't brought up the idea themselves.

I've been thinking about this lately as my friend Amy is TTC her second child, and at least two of her relatives are also pregnant right now. She has very strong expectations that people in her family will pass things around--Becky can loan her bassinet to Carrie and then get it back in time for her own baby, and any newborn clothes Carrie gets can be passed along to Amy once Amy finally gets pregnant, and... Knowing Amy, I suspect this is just her own idea/expectation, and not necessarily what Becky or Carrie desire for themselves. So I could see her complaining that one of them won't loan her something, or won't loan it to a third party, even though IMO no one has any obligation to loan anyone anything.

I really dislike the idea that people who are having a baby are owed anything by others. It's really nice if people want to loan them things or give them gifts outright (and I feel I'm generous about doing this), but any whiff that they are expecting things from others (in a "I deserve this" way) turns me off. Amy is funny like this because she thinks she deserves stuff from others, but she also thinks people deserve stuff from her. So she wants to receive gifts from others, and is happy to give gifts to others, and complains about people who don't give gifts to others. Kinda grates on me; I think it's rude to try and dictate what other people do with their stuff/money.

[Sharnita]

The practice of selling baby items has always been around but I think it is a lot more common and that there are a lot more ways to do it now than ever before. A generation ago you'd sell them in a rummage sale or at a second hand shop.  Now you can sell them through various online forums.  There are also Mom to mom events that are specifically for the resale of baby/kids stuff.  I have seen people spend a hundred dollars to buy what might otherwise cost them close to a thousand dollars.  SSo depending on how you do it, selling baby stuff can help the buyer while the seller sees a moderate return.

[VorFemme]

I had a friend with seven older siblings.  The family was of a religious persuasion that expected large families - so there was a three generation "tradition" of baby things being passed from sibling to sibling to sibling as new babies were born, then back to the next set of parents with a new baby in that size range.

Except for Lizzie (not her real name).....who for some reason would be handed the worn out rags of baby clothes worn & washed then worn & washed to smithereens.  Or a bassinet, crib, high chair, and so forth that had been moved from house to house to house for so long that pieces were missing or a rail was bent so that the mattress was held up by only three corners.

Lizzie and her husband would buy things at garage sales, consignment stores, or on clearance so that their new baby would have safe & useable furniture and undamaged clothes.  Then the pressure would be on to pass the baby things on to the older siblings' new babies.....until Lizzie had another baby.....when they would be handed a box or two with three useable items of clothing, a damaged crib, and so forth again.........

Her third was a preemie - so the baby spent the first two months in the hospital.  While Lizzie and her husband gathered together what the older siblings could give her in newborn sizes, looked for preemie outfits, and bought all new furniture again (yep - the furniture and everything had been worn out again).  She was planning on "saving" a few things that time around, because she never got pregnant while there were any baby things stored at her house....and this time she told me that she wasn't going to be guilted into "loaning" them to her siblings for their new babies because "she'd get them back when it was her turn again".

Because what she got back would be a box that had to be gone through item by item to find what was useable and what was "spit rags" at best.

[Minmom3]

Boy, that would grate, big time.  Sharing is one thing.  Always being given the dregs and the wrecks of 'former' items isn't fair.  No wonder Lizzie wants to stop the Sharing-Go-Round.   

[LeeLieLow]

Selling baby clothes is not rude or strange.  I buy my kids clothes at a consignment shop.  The shop gets its inventory from people who want to sell their own children's clothes. 

I donate my used children's/baby clothes to charity for the tax deduction and also I don't really know anyone who would want our used clothes. 

I suspect the woman in question sold baby clothes/things in order to afford to buy larger size clothes for her child.  I say not rude or uncharitable at all, rather just different than the OP.

[VorFemme]

Boy, that would grate, big time.  Sharing is one thing.  Always being given the dregs and the wrecks of 'former' items isn't fair.  No wonder Lizzie wants to stop the Sharing-Go-Round.   

Unlike her older siblings, she had planned to stop at two.....and her husband had put in for military retirement.  When she turned up pregnant and had their third at seven months (he'd be 26 or so now).  Her older siblings were all planning at least one more - Lizzie wasn't.  But she'd read Erma Bombeck and knew the joke about NOT getting pregnant until you gave away all the baby stuff.....

Her husband also cancelled his retirement plans and re-enlisted (having Uncle Sam pay two months of hospital bills for the baby was a much better deal than looking for a job with good medical insurance when the kid had a "pre-existing condition" of being premature and in the hospital).

She was also pretty sure that he wasn't going to try talking her into trying for a fourth baby after the medical issues with #3.....

[fluffy]

It might help if I could put my finger on the exact nature of the issue you're having. At times in this thread it sounds like you think people should never sell a gift and she should have donated to charity instead, but then at other times it sounds like she should have kept all the actual items and passed them along to people in the friend group. Is the problem that she made money, or is it that she doesn't have the things anymore?

I think, to be honest, the actual problem I had with her was not about how she sold it all. Kids are expensive, and gifts are indeed just that, a gift.
I think my problem might be with that she found it very normal that everybody helped her out, but never really helped out other people at all. This is all in hindsight, but after the friendship cooled I could not remember a single time she helped someone out, or gave me a gift, or anything like that. It was very much a one way street.
But that is besides the question of the topic, really. Moving on 

Actually, I think that's really pertinent to the topic! It probably wouldn't have irked you if D had sold everything, but pitched in the help the friend who needed it. Selling everything probably rubbed you the wrong way because she wasn't reciprocating. You knew you were being taken advantage of, but you couldn't quite put your finger on it, so you decided it must be the selling stuff that bugged you.

Personally, I don't give anyone hand-me-downs unless I'm prepared to never see them again. Babies can be rather messy and stuff happens, so if I give someone something, in my mind it's like I put it in a donation bin somewhere.

I've been taking our daughter's stuff and putting it in a couple different piles for different people that I'm giving hand-me-downs to. And then I have another pile for the sentimental/family heirloom stuff. If we have another kid, we'll use the keeper pile for that baby. If my younger sister has a baby, I'll give most of the keeper stuff to her. And if no more kids are forthcoming, I'll probably try to cull it a bit further and then keep the rest for my daughter to have when she's older.

We're not at the stage where we're getting rid of big stuff, but if someone wanted to borrow something expensive like my co-sleeper, they'd have to be a verrry close friend or family member. And, even then, I would mentally prepare myself to never see it again. Five years from now, if we're still sitting on a co-sleeper, a pack 'n play, a swing, etc, I would have no problem selling it. Most of our nicest/biggest/most expensive baby gear was given to us as presents, but it would take a lot of gumption for someone else to say that we are honor bound to keep it or donate it.

[Slartibartfast]

I think its extraordinarily elitist to think its perfectly ok to give away items you were given but gauche to sell them.  Its wonderful you are in a position to give things away, but to think everyone must live up to your financial status is a rather uncharitable position to take.

I disagree with this (and with several posters here).  If your social circle consists of several people who are actively expanding their families, and you are given baby clothes/items as hand-me-downs (separate from shower gifts or the like) by members of that group, I think you are obligated to at least offer some/most of the items to the next person in line if it's reasonable to do so.  Almost all of my friends had girls - four older than Babybartfast, five younger, then I had Bittybartfast.  Of the four older girls, two are the youngest in their families and their parents aren't planning on any more kids, so we pass around baby clothes pretty frequently.  I won't say that I've never bought baby clothes, but I've never really needed to.  Not all the hand-me-downs go to me - some of the other girls are in the same sizes Babybartfast is in at about the same time - but we're pretty open about sharing.

That said, I'm putting aside everything Bittybartfast outgrows until I find out whether my two friends who are TTC have any luck (and if so, if the babies are girls).  I think my friends would be rightly peeved at me if I took the clothes they had kindly handed down to Babybartfast/Bittybartfast and sold them instead of keeping the circle going - yes, they gave the clothes to "me," but it was in a context where it was assumed I'd pass them on to someone else.  Some of my friends buy their own baby clothes (for various reasons) and I wouldn't think anything odd of them selling theirs.

It does feel weird to me to sell baby stuff at all, honestly.  (In my situation, I mean, not in general.)  If neither of my TTC friends end up pregnant in the next year or so, I will start to sell off my baby stuff - but I intend to hang on to at least a few key items to pass later, even so.

[ellebelle]

My question OP is that you stated she never reciprocated.

Do you mean that she never helped anyone in your group or do you know that she has never helped someone else?

I think the who Idea that is being proposed about D being selfish (because that is essentially what is being said) really grates on me unless the OP knows all the details of D's actions inside and outside of the group. Does she take holiday and birthday gifts but never reciprocates or is it JUST this issue with the baby clothes that bothers you. If it is just the baby clothes and she's always been find with other "gifts" or "gift giving occasions" (did she bring gift to the baby shower?), I find it presumptuous to assume that you know her financial situation and her own decisions regarding giving and helping other.

[Yvaine]

I think its extraordinarily elitist to think its perfectly ok to give away items you were given but gauche to sell them.  Its wonderful you are in a position to give things away, but to think everyone must live up to your financial status is a rather uncharitable position to take.

I disagree with this (and with several posters here).  If your social circle consists of several people who are actively expanding their families, and you are given baby clothes/items as hand-me-downs (separate from shower gifts or the like) by members of that group, I think you are obligated to at least offer some/most of the items to the next person in line if it's reasonable to do so.  Almost all of my friends had girls - four older than Babybartfast, five younger, then I had Bittybartfast.  Of the four older girls, two are the youngest in their families and their parents aren't planning on any more kids, so we pass around baby clothes pretty frequently.  I won't say that I've never bought baby clothes, but I've never really needed to.  Not all the hand-me-downs go to me - some of the other girls are in the same sizes Babybartfast is in at about the same time - but we're pretty open about sharing.

Are we talking about hand-me-downs or gifts, though? Hand-me-downs can indeed come with strings involving passing them along within the family or the friend circle. But I think a gift--which is what Syrse's friend received according to my reading of the post--is a gift, and it's yours to do whatever you want with. Now, it turns out that Syrse's friend was a taker and never a giver anyway, thus adding more nuance to the situation--but taken in isolation, selling things given to you outright as gifts isn't wrong.

[jaxsue]

If the mom-to-be in the OP was a taker, as the OP seems to be saying, I can see why she (and others) had the reaction they did.

My dad was a preacher. A lot of people go to churches to get help. In fact, a lot of people would show up at the parsonage (our home) to ask for help. There were some cases where the help was over a long period, and there were "takers." Only the OP knows to what extent this is true in this situation.

I do agree that people have the right to do what they want with gifts, but if you are in a situation where you desperately need help and people go above and beyond to help you, it would be nice to pay it forward, even in small ways. And it doesn't even need to have monetary value.

[stargazer]

I think you are obligated to at least offer some/most of the items to the next person in line if it's reasonable to do so. 

In this case, the next person down the line was YEARS later according to the OP.  I'm sorry, but a lot of people don't have room to hang onto stuff just because there is a chance that someday, someone will want what was given to you.

[blarg314]

I think you are obligated to at least offer some/most of the items to the next person in line if it's reasonable to do so. 

In this case, the next person down the line was YEARS later according to the OP.  I'm sorry, but a lot of people don't have room to hang onto stuff just because there is a chance that someday, someone will want what was given to you.

Space can be an issue. My sister lives in a 4 bedroom house with a garage, lots of closet space and an attic. They can save everything from the first kid, and even from the second kid, with room to spare.

We live in a small apartment with no storage space (not even closets). If we have kids, pretty much anything used by the first kid would have to be gotten rid of before we could get new stuff, and we would have to get it again for a second kid. The cost of a storage unit, or moving to a bigger place, is a lot more than buying the stuff twice.

[Syrse]

My question OP is that you stated she never reciprocated.

Do you mean that she never helped anyone in your group or do you know that she has never helped someone else?

I think the who Idea that is being proposed about D being selfish (because that is essentially what is being said) really grates on me unless the OP knows all the details of D's actions inside and outside of the group. Does she take holiday and birthday gifts but never reciprocates or is it JUST this issue with the baby clothes that bothers you. If it is just the baby clothes and she's always been find with other "gifts" or "gift giving occasions" (did she bring gift to the baby shower?), I find it presumptuous to assume that you know her financial situation and her own decisions regarding giving and helping other.

Who says I'm assuming? I gave her two gifts, one for baby, one for her. She never even thanked me. I gave her a birthday gift, same story. She got people to babysit for free all the time. I'm not saying she should have payed me, but she never, ever even suggested it. I only got calls whenever she needed something. In hindsight, I was not the only one.

Willynilly, that's exactly how I feel, I just couldn't explain it right  The group passed on second hand clothes and toys to her as well, and she sold them all. It made everybody go 'eh?'.

I mean, if I give my second hand clothes to friend X, and we have a friend C in the group trying for kids, I would be very, very upset if friend X went and sold all the second hand clothes. And yes, I didn't explicitly say 'please don't sell these but pass them on', but honestly, isn't that sort of implied?

Just to clarify, I don't mind people selling new clothes or new gifts they got. What feels wrong is to sell second hand clothes you got for free through the grapevine. In my opinion, the intent behind that gift is to pay it forward. To ignore that feels, to me, entitled.