Author Topic: S/O baby clothes  (Read 6488 times)

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Lynn2000

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Re: S/O baby clothes
« Reply #45 on: February 17, 2013, 05:00:56 PM »
My question OP is that you stated she never reciprocated.

Do you mean that she never helped anyone in your group or do you know that she has never helped someone else?

I think the who Idea that is being proposed about D being selfish (because that is essentially what is being said) really grates on me unless the OP knows all the details of D's actions inside and outside of the group. Does she take holiday and birthday gifts but never reciprocates or is it JUST this issue with the baby clothes that bothers you. If it is just the baby clothes and she's always been find with other "gifts" or "gift giving occasions" (did she bring gift to the baby shower?), I find it presumptuous to assume that you know her financial situation and her own decisions regarding giving and helping other.

Who says I'm assuming? I gave her two gifts, one for baby, one for her. She never even thanked me. I gave her a birthday gift, same story. She got people to babysit for free all the time. I'm not saying she should have payed me, but she never, ever even suggested it. I only got calls whenever she needed something. In hindsight, I was not the only one.

Willynilly, that's exactly how I feel, I just couldn't explain it right  :) The group passed on second hand clothes and toys to her as well, and she sold them all. It made everybody go 'eh?'.

I mean, if I give my second hand clothes to friend X, and we have a friend C in the group trying for kids, I would be very, very upset if friend X went and sold all the second hand clothes. And yes, I didn't explicitly say 'please don't sell these but pass them on', but honestly, isn't that sort of implied?

Just to clarify, I don't mind people selling new clothes or new gifts they got. What feels wrong is to sell second hand clothes you got for free through the grapevine. In my opinion, the intent behind that gift is to pay it forward. To ignore that feels, to me, entitled.

I guess I don't feel that the "pay it forward" expectation is implicit when receiving secondhand items. Obviously it's the norm for your social circle, which is fine; and this particular person sounds like a user because she's never reciprocated anything, to anyone. But if I gave someone secondhand baby clothes and later heard that they'd sold them, I wouldn't think a thing of it. I mean, they're secondhand baby clothes, it's not like they're going to make a fortune on them. Maybe they sold them at relatively low cost to someone who couldn't afford to spend more, which really helped that person out. Or maybe not; I really wouldn't care, I gave them to my friend as a gift with no strings attached. She can burn them and dance on their ashy remains if she wants (though I would appreciate her not telling me if she did this).

If you give secondhand baby clothes to X, and after that you think they should go to C, I think it would be the most polite to just inform X of that fact when presenting the clothes. Then X can decide whether or not to accept them under those conditions. Maybe X understands the group norms and will follow them; but if she doesn't, it's a bit dodgy as to who is at fault, I think.
~Lynn2000

NyaChan

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Re: S/O baby clothes
« Reply #46 on: February 17, 2013, 05:07:48 PM »
My question OP is that you stated she never reciprocated.

Do you mean that she never helped anyone in your group or do you know that she has never helped someone else?

I think the who Idea that is being proposed about D being selfish (because that is essentially what is being said) really grates on me unless the OP knows all the details of D's actions inside and outside of the group. Does she take holiday and birthday gifts but never reciprocates or is it JUST this issue with the baby clothes that bothers you. If it is just the baby clothes and she's always been find with other "gifts" or "gift giving occasions" (did she bring gift to the baby shower?), I find it presumptuous to assume that you know her financial situation and her own decisions regarding giving and helping other.

Who says I'm assuming? I gave her two gifts, one for baby, one for her. She never even thanked me. I gave her a birthday gift, same story. She got people to babysit for free all the time. I'm not saying she should have payed me, but she never, ever even suggested it. I only got calls whenever she needed something. In hindsight, I was not the only one.

Willynilly, that's exactly how I feel, I just couldn't explain it right  :) The group passed on second hand clothes and toys to her as well, and she sold them all. It made everybody go 'eh?'.

I mean, if I give my second hand clothes to friend X, and we have a friend C in the group trying for kids, I would be very, very upset if friend X went and sold all the second hand clothes. And yes, I didn't explicitly say 'please don't sell these but pass them on', but honestly, isn't that sort of implied?

Just to clarify, I don't mind people selling new clothes or new gifts they got. What feels wrong is to sell second hand clothes you got for free through the grapevine. In my opinion, the intent behind that gift is to pay it forward. To ignore that feels, to me, entitled.

As to the bolded - No, it isn't implied.  I think the number of people who are surprised that there would be this expectation without any verbal indication that it exists is evidence that while it may be the norm for you and some of your acquaintances, it is not so widespread that we can automatically impute rudeness for not complying with it.  She may very well be a user (definitely sounds like it and I personally wouldn't do anything to help this person further), but that does not make her rude for using the gifts as she saw fit, second-hand or not.

Sophia

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Re: S/O baby clothes
« Reply #47 on: February 17, 2013, 05:46:57 PM »
I can see there being general, implied "pay-it-forward" expectation with hand-me-downs.   So, that someone would be given the stuff that was still usable.  But, not a particular person being next in line. 

fluffy

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Re: S/O baby clothes
« Reply #48 on: February 17, 2013, 07:39:28 PM »
If I was going to sell my baby clothes, I would take all of my kid's clothes that didn't fit, put them all in a bag, and bring them to a consignment store. It would never occur to me that I should go through the bag and figure out what was a gift and what was a hand-me-down and then only sell the gifts.