Another lateness thread: The righteously late.

[GreenEyedHawk]

My ex was chronically late and it drove me nuts.  T he breaking point was when he made me late to my own birthday party, dismissively saying, "Oh, they can start without us!"  Um, no, you dunce.  It's MY birthday.  Everyone is waiting for ME.

After awhile I got into the habit of telling him something was an hour earlier than it actually was, so when we were an hour "late" we were actually on time.   It really drove me around the twist, though.

[Venus193]

These lateness discussions are fascinating to me. It's not amazing that so much of this happens but that so many people feel they don't have a right not to be aggravated by it in the name of politeness. It seems to me that society is heading ever faster into the realm of rudeness with certain actions that are becoming more acceptable: swearing at commonplace things, anger-based humor, saying no with no response at all instead a a polite rejection, and deliberate lateness because "that's the way I am" justifications. There's very little I can do to change much of it, but I can refuse to accommodate it by kowtowing to it or participating in it. And that's my stand. You need to decide what yours is and be true to it. Who knows, maybe you will become a model for others.

I'm using this as a leaping-off point for a new discussion.

[rabbit_woman]

I was supposed to be going to the pictures one Sunday afternoon and a pal of mine was driving, there were several of us going together in his car. He was 45 minutes late picking me up. This is 45 minutes during whcih i couldn't exactly start doing anything constructive, because he might arrive at any minute, and i was beginning to get worried we would miss the start of the film.

He arrives, I get in the car and say, quite rightly, hey, you are 45 minutes late.

He does not apologise; instead, he gets angry with me and starts giving me a lecure; during his tirade, he said that when he was working all week, he had to do things and be places at the time when his bosses told him, but on the weekend, his time was HIS and he would do exactly what he wanted with it, he would go at his pace because he had earnt it - well, we got to the pictures, there were no decent seats left and we couldn't even all sit together, we missed the very beginning of the film and I have never been to the pictures with him again.

and i used to argue constantly with another ex of mine, who was chronically late when i was always early. He used to make me late for trains; and then once he told me that he ENJOYED the sensation of running along the station platform to get the train, it was all part of the experience for him, so from then on i left to get the train without him when i wanted, arrived in plenty of time, got on the train when it arrived and relaxed, and he could arrive when he wanted. He was really surprised when i dumped him!!!!

[mj]

I am struggling with this myself with some family members, so I have no real advice to offer that I know for sure works yet. 

However, this just happened the other day and seemed to bother the chronically late person terribly, so maybe it will work? I was late the other day by maybe 10 minutes to do some shopping that did not have any time frames imposed on it. Although in my defense we did not set a strict start time because I did say upfront that I had another obligation that would not give a strict end time.  I said lets plan on around 1010 and chronically late person agreed.  I get there at 1020 and chronically late person is not only in her car, but pulled it out of the garage while waiting for me. 

I got into her car and she was "so upset that I did not call or give a heads up, she was about to call me".  Which is sort of funny because I end up calling her all the time when she is over a half hour late to strict plans.  I'm not sure how it happened that she was not only on time that day and in her car ready to go, but somehow she did and those 10 minutes really ticked her off. 

It's not really right to do it on purpose, but I have to say that I did get into the pattern of not really regarding plans with her as in high regard as I did others because of her habitually lateness.  I took her less seriously and I believe it is no obvious to her that this is the way it is.  And she does not like it one bit.

[TootsNYC]

But hearing her express that point of view opened my eyes to a lot of her behaviors.  Such as always going to the 10 item or less grocery store register with a full cart.  Never starting to unload the cart until the order in front of her had been checked out, bagged and paid for.  Refusing to take even open her purse and start to dig for her checkbook or credit card until the order was checked out and bagged.  Sitting in her car messing with absolutely everything she could think of because someone else was waiting for the parking space.

This is deliberately rude behavior. She intends to provoke with her choices like poking an open wound with a knifepoint. It is nothing more than mean.

Actually, I think it's defensive. And it's  a classic example of passive aggressive.

I think she resents being rushed--maybe she always feels "pushed around." It's such a pervasive behavior that she really must have some hang-up there!

And if you want to change her, you will completely backfire if you say, "it's mean to other people," or "it's not fair to make them wait." Because she already feels "pushed around" by them for some reason.

[Raintree]

He does not apologise; instead, he gets angry with me and starts giving me a lecure; during his tirade, he said that when he was working all week, he had to do things and be places at the time when his bosses told him, but on the weekend, his time was HIS and he would do exactly what he wanted with it, he would go at his pace because he had earnt it - well, we got to the pictures, there were no decent seats left and we couldn't even all sit together, we missed the very beginning of the film and I have never been to the pictures with him again.

WHAT A JERK!!! So on weekends, his time is his....and everybody else's time is his too. I see.

Well, as I've mentioned in this and other threads, I have struggled all my life with lateness (I'm trying, I'm trying!!), and I hope people don't think all chronically late people have this attitude. Some are genuinely distressed that they, yet again, have screwed up on time and and inconvenienced others.

[fluffy]

Your MIL is a classic example of the adage that you can't change other people, you can only change your own reaction to them. Nothing you say or do is going to change her into the sort of person who shows up on-time, so all you can do is mitigate the damage. Try not to rely on her for rides or promise to take her places. If her lateness impacts you in a way that's unavoidable, try to practice some deep-breathing or other stress-relieving techniques.

My MIL tends to drive me crazy, although her particular flavor of crazy isn't tardiness related. I've gotten pretty good at letting it roll off of my back, but a girl can only take so much. So sometimes, I send my husband over to my IL's house without me. The occasional reprieve makes it much easier to deal with her when we all get together.

You want your husband to have a relationship with his Mom, but that doesn't mean that you have to suffer! The occasional family get-together will be just fine without you. Your husband can always offer up some polite fiction like you're feeling a little under the weather.