Returning hand-me-downs or thrift scores. Update Pg. 3

[Miss Tickle]

The baby clothes threads made me think of this situation and what I should do at this point. Your advice is appreciated.

My Mother likes to haunt consignment and thrift stores for goodies. This is good, because she'd bankrupt herself on clothes if not. She also likes to "give" you her finds.  This is great when it works out, and not so great when it doesn't. I say "give" because sometimes it's an actual gift, others are because it didn't fit, or you should wear this colour or style, and sometimes she wants them back. This has become such an issue that we aren't speaking any longer.

Once upon a time she gave me a Thing.  It was a nice thing. It was Brand Name and Very Expensive back when these things were in style. Mom got a great deal, and she loves to tell you about what it used to cost. It was too big for her but since I was fat now it would be great for me (I paraphrase because mentally I was going LALALALALALA). I thanked her and since the Thing was much too big for me, never gave it another thought.

Years go by. Four or more, I have no idea. One day she asks about the Thing. I give her a blank stare. Then the crazy starts.  The Thing! The Brand Name Thing!  You would never have gotten rid of it, where is it! I WANT IT BACK. Yeah, okay. I don't really remember, I was back to a smaller size and had donated all the larger items, so the Thing probably went with all that stuff.

Then commenced an epic freakout. It was VEEERRRYYYY Expensive!!! I should know if I didn't want this thing I was to return it, even though it didn't fit her, nor had she made that a condition as she had before on some things. I reminded her this was given years ago, I wasn't the same size as the thing then and was even smaller now and it wasn't like she spent much on it. No, that wasn't the point, what mattered is that she wanted it, and I was being contrary.

She was so irrationally angry that I excused myself from her company and talked to my DH about it. He didn't remember the Thing specifically either, and we agreed she was having another freakout. When she does this we give her space for a while, and usually she comes back to reality. In conjunction with some other freakouts, we ended up estranged, and remain so to this day.

Here's my problem. DH recently found some Thing. After some discussion we realized it was The Thing. We don't want it. We can't use it. It feels like the Albatross. I'd hate for my DH to let it slip that we found the thing after all when she brings it up again, or for her to find it at the thrift store and have another freakout.

I don't want to open this door as I'm pretty sure she's given me the Cut Direct, for now. Should I mail it back to her with a note of apology? Do I ask an intermediary to get it to her? Do I pretend it never happened and give it to charity as I thought I had? Should I just chuck it in the trash?

[gmatoy]

I would send it to her with a note that something like: "Found it quite by accident. Here it is. Miss Tickle"
And not one extra word.

[KenveeB]

I don't want to open this door as I'm pretty sure she's given me the Cut Direct, for now. Should I mail it back to her with a note of apology? Do I ask an intermediary to get it to her? Do I pretend it never happened and give it to charity as I thought I had? Should I just chuck it in the trash?

This. I would say do exactly what you'd do with it without the Freak Out, which sounds like it would be to donate it to charity. It's NOT worth reinstating contact over this. It sounds like your mom would use it as proof that you were somehow intentionally hiding the Thing from her and reignite the freak out all over again!

[delabela]

I would get rid of it with no second thought.  You can not win.  She already thinks you're terrible for getting rid of it, and I would bet she'd find a way to take offense at you sending it back now.  Why open yourself to more hurt? 

[GreenBird]

I vote "Trash".  It's not an heirloom or a treasured possession; it's just an old thrift-store find that she gave away.  There's nothing to be gained by sending it to her, or even risking her finding it in a charity shop now - it would just inflame the tantrum. 

[PastryGoddess]

Sending it back will not repair your relationship.  Donate/Sell/Get rid of it in whatever manner you see fit.

[jeni]

My instinct would be to send it to her.  She values said Thing, I would let her have it. 

I agree with this approach:

I would send it to her with a note that something like: "Found it quite by accident. Here it is. Miss Tickle"
And not one extra word.

[CrochetFanatic]

Unless she specifically said, "I'm lending you this" or "I want it back eventually", it sounds like it was a gift.  If it wasn't, and if this wasn't made clear from the get-go, it seems unreasonable to me that she would ask for it back, let alone throw such a fit when you say you no longer have it.  I had a similar fight with my uncle, only it was over an old toy (sounds stupid, I know).  It's amazing how quickly a gift will sometimes magically be downgraded to a loan when the giver (lender?) thinks of a use for it.

I think you would be fine to either go with gmatoy's suggestion, or to donate or trash it.  It all depends on what you want to do.

[zyrs]

I would send it to her with a note that something like: "Found it quite by accident. Here it is. Miss Tickle"
And not one extra word.

I like this.  Or "It turned up in the attic.  Here. Miss Tickle"  and not bother to put a return address on the package. 

Of course, this all depends on if you want to take the time to send it.  Or you could donate it to a thrift store of a resell shop.  After all, if she finds it in a store, she will assume that the person who bought it when you donated it just redonated it.

[cicero]

oh, no. no no no, i would not return it. you will be opening a whole new pandora box of crapola.

you will be the liar ("but you *told* me that you got rid of it"), or the slob ("you are just *now* cleaning your closets? that's gross!")

your mom gave you something that may have had a high price tag at some point, but at the time when she bought it, she paid a lot less for it. you didn't ask her for it. and she *gave* it to you. (she was also mean to you at that time, but let's put that aside). it was *yours*. you can wear it, sell it, give it away, trash it, burn it with sage. whatever you want.

you have been estranged for four years for reason. if you want to re-open that relationship, then do so, but I wouldn't use the Thing as a means to your mom.

[LeveeWoman]

The baby clothes threads made me think of this situation and what I should do at this point. Your advice is appreciated.

My Mother likes to haunt consignment and thrift stores for goodies. This is good, because she'd bankrupt herself on clothes if not. She also likes to "give" you her finds.  This is great when it works out, and not so great when it doesn't. I say "give" because sometimes it's an actual gift, others are because it didn't fit, or you should wear this colour or style, and sometimes she wants them back. This has become such an issue that we aren't speaking any longer.

Once upon a time she gave me a Thing.  It was a nice thing. It was Brand Name and Very Expensive back when these things were in style. Mom got a great deal, and she loves to tell you about what it used to cost. It was too big for her but since I was fat now it would be great for me (I paraphrase because mentally I was going LALALALALALA). I thanked her and since the Thing was much too big for me, never gave it another thought.

Years go by. Four or more, I have no idea. One day she asks about the Thing. I give her a blank stare. Then the crazy starts.  The Thing! The Brand Name Thing!  You would never have gotten rid of it, where is it! I WANT IT BACK. Yeah, okay. I don't really remember, I was back to a smaller size and had donated all the larger items, so the Thing probably went with all that stuff.

Then commenced an epic freakout. It was VEEERRRYYYY Expensive!!! I should know if I didn't want this thing I was to return it, even though it didn't fit her, nor had she made that a condition as she had before on some things. I reminded her this was given years ago, I wasn't the same size as the thing then and was even smaller now and it wasn't like she spent much on it. No, that wasn't the point, what mattered is that she wanted it, and I was being contrary.

She was so irrationally angry that I excused myself from her company and talked to my DH about it. He didn't remember the Thing specifically either, and we agreed she was having another freakout. When she does this we give her space for a while, and usually she comes back to reality. In conjunction with some other freakouts, we ended up estranged, and remain so to this day.

Here's my problem. DH recently found some Thing. After some discussion we realized it was The Thing. We don't want it. We can't use it. It feels like the Albatross. I'd hate for my DH to let it slip that we found the thing after all when she brings it up again, or for her to find it at the thrift store and have another freakout.

I don't want to open this door as I'm pretty sure she's given me the Cut Direct, for now. Should I mail it back to her with a note of apology? Do I ask an intermediary to get it to her? Do I pretend it never happened and give it to charity as I thought I had? Should I just chuck it in the trash?

This is not about THE THING at all. It's about her trying to control you. If you mail it to her, I'd not send a note at all, especially one that apologizes because you did nothing wrong.

[bloo]

oh, no. no no no, i would not return it. you will be opening a whole new pandora box of crapola.

you will be the liar ("but you *told* me that you got rid of it"), or the slob ("you are just *now* cleaning your closets? that's gross!")

your mom gave you something that may have had a high price tag at some point, but at the time when she bought it, she paid a lot less for it. you didn't ask her for it. and she *gave* it to you. (she was also mean to you at that time, but let's put that aside). it was *yours*. you can wear it, sell it, give it away, trash it, burn it with sage. whatever you want.

you have been estranged for four years for reason. if you want to re-open that relationship, then do so, but I wouldn't use the Thing as a means to your mom.

Agree with Cicero (and LeveeWoman about her trying to control you).

Do not send, do not send, do not send as it opens up all kinds of crazy. It should be redundant to point out your mother is an unreasonable person so you can't be reasonable (sending back with a nice note) with unreasonable people.

May I give some advice should you repair your relationship with your mom? Ok, here goes: NEVER, ever accept her thrift-store finds. I mean, like, ever! I don't care if it's SJP's collection of used Jimmy Choo's that she picked up for $10 - NEVER accept her thrift-store scores.

She uses it to bring drama into your life.

She probably brought drama in other ways...but you know like Forrest Gump would say, "...just one less thang..."

[scotcat60]

you have been estranged for four years for reason. if you want to re-open that relationship, then do so, but I wouldn't use the Thing as a means to your mom.

Have they been estranged for 4 years? I did not get that impression.
I'd go with jeni and zyrs and return it saying it turned up after all. I wouldn't explain or defend my self in any other way, althought I'd be tempted to say, since you value it so much you'er welcome, 'cause I don't. I don't think it will open up anymore crapola, reutrning it will enusre she can't complain about your not having done so. even if she does claim you lied to her about whether or not you had it.  She'll complain anyway, if not about THE Thing, then about something else.

[Jones]

I don't know if I'd send it to her, seems a little PA...."Here you go, hope it was worth losing a daughter over" type thing.

[SPuck]

Do not give that item back. She will take it as justification for her freak outs. Get rid of it and make sure it ends up where she can't discover it again somehow. After that you return to your old tactic of waiting for her to return to normal, or allow her to stew in her malice until she realizes what she did wrong. There is no good bringing this situation up again unless it is an apology from her.