Bullying in college-- how to handle? TINY Update 49, 62, 71, Final Update 86

[Nikko-chan]

I am in a small community college. There is a person here who is, to put it plainly, a bully. He harasses my best guy friend and I, constantly claiming to anyone who will listen that my friend and I are "going together". And of course, everyone believes this guy, so now I have to rush around and do damage control-- "No we are just friends, no we aren't going out." etc., not because I don't like my friend, but because rumors flying around are not good and can get out of control quickly.  He also is very mouthy to our Professor in a class we both have together, and takes the opportunity to bully me there as well. His being mouthy to the professor and being smart mean I can't learn as much as I could because our learning is being punctuated with the professor trying to get him to shut up.
 I can't stop it without being impolite. I admit one day I did go off on him, telling him to "Shut the ehell up." when he was saying something again. Finally Monday I just decided to ignore him. It didn't work. I can't retaliate and well, frankly, we are in college, we have long since left the playground and childish bullying should no longer be happening.

Any way I can handle this situation gracefully?

[fountainsoflettuce]

I don't think this is bullying.  Bullying is now so overused its lost its meaning.  Now, there are bullies but  it really sounds like the guy is just your typical ________ that you run across in the real world.  Talk to the Professor and let him know that the guy is affecting your ability to learn.  Talk to someone in the Dean's office.  At the end of the day, you're going to have to develop some thick skin and ignore him.  Consider this training for the real world.

[audrey1962]

Ignore him. And don't go running around doing damage control. Your friends will know the truth. For those that don't: is it really that important they know your friend is not your boyfriend? Of course, if someone asks you directly, you should correct the person: "No, we're just friends." Or if you're in a group project you can bring it up casusally. But I wouldn't waste time pro-actively telling people this.

[cicero]

i agree with audrey. stop giving him so much power! what do you care what some jerk says about you? let him say whatever he wants. whether you and your friend are or are not "going together" is really nobody's business and if people want to be involved in petty gossip - well, then, you may need to make new friends.

when you let him "get to you" like this, when you feel that he is not "letting you learn" as much - you are letting him control you. you don't need to do this. concentrate on your studies, and keep a mental picture of yourself sticking your fingers in your ears and going "nyah nyah nyah nyah nyaaaah".

[suzieQ]

Ignore him.
This kind of reminds me of my kindergarten class, when one of the kids comes to me and says "Frank said I'm not going to Disney World next week, but I am!"
So what if Frank says you aren't doing something that you are doing?
I ask them "are you going to Disney World?" They say "yes" and I tell them to ignore Frank. Just because he says something does not make it true.

[TurtleDove]

I don't think this is bullying.  Bullying is now so overused its lost its meaning.  Now, there are bullies but  it really sounds like the guy is just your typical ________ that you run across in the real world.  Talk to the Professor and let him know that the guy is affecting your ability to learn.  Talk to someone in the Dean's office.  At the end of the day, you're going to have to develop some thick skin and ignore him.  Consider this training for the real world.

POD.

[Coley]

POD PPs who say ignore him. Don't give him the power to affect you. Show him that it doesn't.

[Yvaine]

I don't think this is bullying.  Bullying is now so overused its lost its meaning.  Now, there are bullies but  it really sounds like the guy is just your typical ________ that you run across in the real world.  Talk to the Professor and let him know that the guy is affecting your ability to learn.  Talk to someone in the Dean's office.  At the end of the day, you're going to have to develop some thick skin and ignore him.  Consider this training for the real world.

Agreed. I think he's a pain in the (donkey), not a bully. dating rumors don't really require that much damage control at college age--in fact, the more fuss made about them, the more they sound true. If someone asks you about it, roll your eyes and talk about how ridiculous this guy is.

As for him being a pain in class, that's the professor's responsibility to rein him in. Can you approach your professor about the disruptions? It may be that the professor doesn't find the behavior as distracting as you do (some profs LOVE to argue in class) and so he hasn't noticed how it affects his students. Or maybe the prof is completely ineffectual and you could go to his department head.

[Nikko-chan]

I don't think this is bullying.  Bullying is now so overused its lost its meaning.  Now, there are bullies but  it really sounds like the guy is just your typical ________ that you run across in the real world.  Talk to the Professor and let him know that the guy is affecting your ability to learn.  Talk to someone in the Dean's office.  At the end of the day, you're going to have to develop some thick skin and ignore him.  Consider this training for the real world.

Agreed. I think he's a pain in the (donkey), not a bully. dating rumors don't really require that much damage control at college age--in fact, the more fuss made about them, the more they sound true. If someone asks you about it, roll your eyes and talk about how ridiculous this guy is.

As for him being a pain in class, that's the professor's responsibility to rein him in. Can you approach your professor about the disruptions? It may be that the professor doesn't find the behavior as distracting as you do (some profs LOVE to argue in class) and so he hasn't noticed how it affects his students. Or maybe the prof is completely ineffectual and you could go to his department head.

We've (the professor and I) have talked about this multiple times. I tell him I can't learn as well. And it's not really stuff that's up for debate, Yvaine. It's an art class. So the student is making remarks to rile the teacher up, like "so and so artist is stupid" "this art sucks" "who thinks this is art?" And monday he even tried to make a deal with the teacher "If you let us do a group project, I will be quiet (read: not disrupt the class) for the rest of the day." O.o Who does that? Teacher didn't bite and he ended up disrupting the class. There has been at least one student who told him off in class. It's a very small class too, maybe ten of us.

A lot of you said ignore him. That was what I did monday but it felt really rude. He kept asking me "How old are you?" over and over again and I didn't answer him (mind you he had asked me friday and i told him it wasn't his business, though in a slightly politer way). And meanwhile I am left thinking "What business of it is yours how old I am?" So in these situations is it okay to ignore?

[audrey1962]

We've (the professor and I) have talked about this multiple times. I tell him I can't learn as well. And it's not really stuff that's up for debate, Yvaine. It's an art class. So the student is making remarks to rile the teacher up, like "so and so artist is stupid" "this art sucks" "who thinks this is art?" And monday he even tried to make a deal with the teacher "If you let us do a group project, I will be quiet (read: not disrupt the class) for the rest of the day." O.o Who does that? Teacher didn't bite and he ended up disrupting the class. There has been at least one student who told him off in class. It's a very small class too, maybe ten of us.

Wait and see how the instructor is handling it. It's possible your instructor has already taken steps, but sometimes things must be documented and policies followed before actions are taken.


ETA: After re-reading your post, I'm changing my advice: Go to the Dean. I think you've given the instructor enough time to deal with this.

A lot of you said ignore him. That was what I did monday but it felt really rude. He kept asking me "How old are you?" over and over again and I didn't answer him (mind you he had asked me friday and i told him it wasn't his business, though in a slightly politer way). And meanwhile I am left thinking "What business of it is yours how old I am?" So in these situations is it okay to ignore?

It's okay to ignore rude people. Just as we are not obligated to give our attention to salespeople hawking their wares in mall kiosks or street corners, or to engage in conversation with telemarketers. A polite, "I can't talk right now" is all you need to say, then ignore.

Is this happening during class time?

[cicero]

I don't think this is bullying.  Bullying is now so overused its lost its meaning.  Now, there are bullies but  it really sounds like the guy is just your typical ________ that you run across in the real world.  Talk to the Professor and let him know that the guy is affecting your ability to learn.  Talk to someone in the Dean's office.  At the end of the day, you're going to have to develop some thick skin and ignore him.  Consider this training for the real world.

Agreed. I think he's a pain in the (donkey), not a bully. dating rumors don't really require that much damage control at college age--in fact, the more fuss made about them, the more they sound true. If someone asks you about it, roll your eyes and talk about how ridiculous this guy is.

As for him being a pain in class, that's the professor's responsibility to rein him in. Can you approach your professor about the disruptions? It may be that the professor doesn't find the behavior as distracting as you do (some profs LOVE to argue in class) and so he hasn't noticed how it affects his students. Or maybe the prof is completely ineffectual and you could go to his department head.

We've (the professor and I) have talked about this multiple times. I tell him I can't learn as well. And it's not really stuff that's up for debate, Yvaine. It's an art class. So the student is making remarks to rile the teacher up, like "so and so artist is stupid" "this art sucks" "who thinks this is art?" And monday he even tried to make a deal with the teacher "If you let us do a group project, I will be quiet (read: not disrupt the class) for the rest of the day." O.o Who does that? Teacher didn't bite and he ended up disrupting the class. There has been at least one student who told him off in class. It's a very small class too, maybe ten of us.

A lot of you said ignore him. That was what I did monday but it felt really rude. He kept asking me "How old are you?" over and over again and I didn't answer him (mind you he had asked me friday and i told him it wasn't his business, though in a slightly politer way). And meanwhile I am left thinking "What business of it is yours how old I am?" So in these situations is it okay to ignore?

first - if the prof can't (or won't) deal with this, and you've spoken to him numerous times about it, then take it up the chain. he should be given *a* warning and then asked to find another school.

second - of course it's not rude to not reply to him! in fact, i would imagine that he is picking on you, "because he can". this is not to say that this is your *fault* (it's not. he's totally being a doofus), but people like him tend to find the "nice" people, and latch on.

[WillyNilly]

A lot of you said ignore him. That was what I did monday but it felt really rude. He kept asking me "How old are you?" over and over again and I didn't answer him (mind you he had asked me friday and i told him it wasn't his business, though in a slightly politer way). And meanwhile I am left thinking "What business of it is yours how old I am?" So in these situations is it okay to ignore?

I recognize your screen name so I know you have been on these boards for a while.
Well, you know how pretty regularly someone posts a whole thing about how women are trained to "be nice" and all that?  How we are taught to smile and do and as we are told and be obedient, etc?  You are falling prey to that.  It feels rude to you to ignore his harassment because its "not nice" to ignore him.  But its not rude.  Polite =/= nice and not nice =/= rude.  You can be perfectly polite while still not being nice.

[Hillia]

Seriously?  This guy sounds like he has some developmental issues...hr's behaving like an elementary school age kid.  Why hasn't he been removed from the class?  Go to the dean's office and complain, not about his 3rd grade teasing, but about his deliberate disruption of class and the teacher's refusal to deal with it.  He's obviously not interested in learning anything about art.

[audrey1962]

Seriously?  This guy sounds like he has some developmental issues...hr's behaving like an elementary school age kid.  Why hasn't he been removed from the class?  Go to the dean's office and complain, not about his 3rd grade teasing, but about his deliberate disruption of class and the teacher's refusal to deal with it.  He's obviously not interested in learning anything about art.

I agree. When I first read your post #8, I had a failure in reading comprehension and didn't realize you had already spoken to the instructor multiple times and specifically said it was effecting your learning. Go to the Dean. If that doesn't work, go to the Provost. If nothing is resolved, seriously consider if you want to be spending your tutition dollars in an environment where you can't learn.

[fountainsoflettuce]

Seriously?  This guy sounds like he has some developmental issues...hr's behaving like an elementary school age kid.  Why hasn't he been removed from the class?  Go to the dean's office and complain, not about his 3rd grade teasing, but about his deliberate disruption of class and the teacher's refusal to deal with it.  He's obviously not interested in learning anything about art.

I agree. When I first read your post #8, I had a failure in reading comprehension and didn't realize you had already spoken to the instructor multiple times and specifically said it was effecting your learning. Go to the Dean. If that doesn't work, go to the Provost. If nothing is resolved, seriously consider if you want to be spending your tutition dollars in an environment where you can't learn.

And if that doesn't work, chalk it up to life experience.   Some times we just get bad students in class and not much can be done.  Same with work. 

The guy is like a shark and he smells blood on you.  He likes to purposely rile you up b/c he likes the attention he gets.  It is ok to ignore him.  He is only causing you to look like a dumb high-schooler doing "damage control."