Pushing the Wrong Buttons - Friending Error

[demarco]

I've done this twice.  I'm looking at friend's friend list and I accidentally send a friend request to someone on the list, evidently.  I say evidently because I receive a notice that so and so has accepted my friend request.  So and so was on the original friend's friend list. I assume this happens because I tapped the wrong button.  I think of it as fat finger syndrome (the facebook equivalent of butt dialing)  but maybe it's some kind of facebook spasm that has nothing to do with me. I don't know.   

The first time this happened I was riding in the car with DH, killing time on my phone with facebook.  A few minutes later I got an acceptance from a fellow DH and I knew very slightly in college.  He was a nice guy but I didn't want him as a facebook friend.  I have a tiny list of friends on facebook and am not comfortable with adding any more for the foreseeable future. I checked and saw that he had hundreds of friends and would scarcely noticed if I disappeared so I didn't sent him any explanation.  I just defriended him. 

The second time was yesterday. I was looking at my nephew's wall and looked up niece (nephew's cousin) who is on nephew's friends list.  I have not seen niece since she was a child and wanted to see some of her pictures. 

DH and I have had a fraught relationship with niece's branch of the family for decades.  I refer to them privately as The East Coast Crisis Machine.  For the sake of preserving our own sanity we minimize contact with them.  There was an eruption around Christmas time which we dealt with by ignoring.  Just a few days ago DH and I were congratulating ourselves because our strategy worked.

Last night I received niece's acceptance of my friend request. I didn't mean to send her a friend request.   I don't know how this happened but I do know that I've got trouble no matter what I do. I don't want to keep her as a friend because I don't want her mother to have access to my stuff. Defriending niece could start a war. This is no ordinary family.  The dynamics are such that I am certain that niece has discussed this with her parents and that a great deal is being made of it.  This morning I told DH what happened and he agrees that this will set something off.  He thought it was funny but I don't.   

Have any of you sent friend requests to people accidentally?  How did you deal with it?



 

 

 

[Snooks]

This is the danger of using Facebook to indulge your curiosity about your friends' friends. With your niece just put her on a list and filter all your posts so she can't see them or write on your wall.

[Lynn2000]

If you don't want to defriend, I think you can block. Basically this means the two of you are invisible to each other on Facebook. Then no one will have access to your information.

If anyone asks you about it, play dumb and suggest to them that they must have experienced a weird Facebook glitch. By the time they check again, they won't be able to see you on Facebook at all--to them it will be like you completely deleted your account.

I see this as a white lie to avoid drama after an honest mistake occurs. I think it's polite as long as you don't suggest they're stupid or lying or anything like that. Facebook does have weird glitches sometimes, after all.

[kckgirl]

You can change your settings so she cannot see your wall and cannot post to it. That way you don't have to unfriend and start a war, and she cannot peruse your posts and pictures.

[JenJay]

How old is she? I would defriended her and send her a PM that plays dumb like you think she sent the request to you and say something like "Hi niece, I got your friend request and wanted to explain why I declined. I occasionally post things to Facebook that might not be appropriate for everyone and it's important to me that I don't offend you or your parents. Feel free to PM me if you'd like to stay in touch!"

[Lindee]

I wonder if what is happening is that Facebook often "suggests" to people that they should "Friend" mutual friends. If you don't look carefully it looks like they are asking to friend you and you are accepting their request but to them it seems that you are the one asking asking, and not wanting to be rude they will accept.  My husband was gaily clicking on these Facebook generated Friend requests before I pointed it out and he now has a bunch of distant relatives he doesn't know on his friend list.

[Docslady21]

I've done this twice.  I'm looking at friend's friend list and I accidentally send a friend request to someone on the list, evidently.  I say evidently because I receive a notice that so and so has accepted my friend request.  So and so was on the original friend's friend list. I assume this happens because I tapped the wrong button.  I think of it as fat finger syndrome (the facebook equivalent of butt dialing)  but maybe it's some kind of facebook spasm that has nothing to do with me. I don't know.   

The first time this happened I was riding in the car with DH, killing time on my phone with facebook.  A few minutes later I got an acceptance from a fellow DH and I knew very slightly in college.  He was a nice guy but I didn't want him as a facebook friend.  I have a tiny list of friends on facebook and am not comfortable with adding any more for the foreseeable future. I checked and saw that he had hundreds of friends and would scarcely noticed if I disappeared so I didn't sent him any explanation.  I just defriended him. 

The second time was yesterday. I was looking at my nephew's wall and looked up niece (nephew's cousin) who is on nephew's friends list.  I have not seen niece since she was a child and wanted to see some of her pictures. 

DH and I have had a fraught relationship with niece's branch of the family for decades.  I refer to them privately as The East Coast Crisis Machine.  For the sake of preserving our own sanity we minimize contact with them.  There was an eruption around Christmas time which we dealt with by ignoring.  Just a few days ago DH and I were congratulating ourselves because our strategy worked.

Last night I received niece's acceptance of my friend request. I didn't mean to send her a friend request.   I don't know how this happened but I do know that I've got trouble no matter what I do. I don't want to keep her as a friend because I don't want her mother to have access to my stuff. Defriending niece could start a war. This is no ordinary family.  The dynamics are such that I am certain that niece has discussed this with her parents and that a great deal is being made of it.  This morning I told DH what happened and he agrees that this will set something off.  He thought it was funny but I don't.   

Have any of you sent friend requests to people accidentally?  How did you deal with it?

Relegate the niece to an acquaintance. Then, change your settings so acquaintances are limited in what they can see and do with your profile. She won't even know she's blocked.

 

 

 

[Danika]

I wonder if what is happening is that Facebook often "suggests" to people that they should "Friend" mutual friends. If you don't look carefully it looks like they are asking to friend you and you are accepting their request but to them it seems that you are the one asking asking...

YES! I fell for this once when I first joined Facebook. And I felt like a moron.

Facebook suggested that I knew this guy John. We'd gone to college together, I hardly knew him, but I had dated his best friend. I thought John was sending me a friend request. At that time, the exboyfriend was not on Facebook and I figured there was no harm in accepting the friend request.

A few hours later, I got a private message from John saying "How do we know each other exactly?" And I thought to myself "He's the one who sent me the request. Underneath my name it shows that my network is our alma mater. Why is he asking me this question?" I wrote him back and mentioned college and mentioned his fraternity, but I didn't mention my exboyfriend.

John wrote back again something, I can't remember what. After several messages between us where he seemed kinda stand offish, I realized that *I* had been the one who had sent him the friend request. I felt like a heel. But at this point, I guess I had convinced him of my worthiness and he had accepted my friend request!

I was too embarrassed to tell him what had happened at that point. But after that, I tried really hard not to click on any buttons that looked like I might be adding a friend. And if I accidentally do, I quickly try to revoke the friend request. I think you can "un-invite" someone to be your friend if you catch it quickly enough.

[siamesecat2965]

Your friends can also suggest that you friend people as well. I've gotten "suggestions" from friends to friend other people I sort of know or know of, but wouldn't really want to be frirends with, as I don't know them well enough.

Fortunately, since the connection between them and me is so distant, I can generally tell who actually sent me a direct requeset, and who was "suggested" to me by someone else.

I also got one friend request from a guy who was in my class in HS. But I don't know that I ever spoke to him, or anything like that. I think he must have done it by accident, and since I don't know him, I didn't accept.

[diesel_darlin]

I have noticed people pop up on my FB that have mutual friends, that I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I did NOT friend.

Maybe it is a FB glitch, and you arent really hitting any buttons at all.

[Softly Spoken]

I just wanted to share my experience from the other end of things.

I got a friend request (from a distant friend of a former classmate IIRC), then after I accepted I got a PM saying "sorry friended by accident."  Um, okay... She didn't have to tell me that. She could have just dropped me. I don't think FB notifies you when people unfriend...do they? The weird thing is (again IIRC) I think she asked me to unfriend her, which I did with no problem but the whole thing was just so silly. Unless I know the individual personally I don't really worry about how or why I came to lose their "acquaintance."

I find it kind of ironic and sad that today you can "accidentally" befriend someone, apologize for the mistaken friendliness, and rescind the offer. The only thing I can liken it to is smiling and waving at someone because you think you know them, only to realize on closer inspection that you do not. 

Obviously if you are not close to the person, you can defriend without worrying about social repercussions. When it comes to family, I agree with PPs that some diplomacy combined with very careful settings adjustment is usually the best way to go if you want to keep peace and sanity and avoid drama.

When it comes to using FB, knowledge is definitely power. 

[siamesecat2965]

I just wanted to share my experience from the other end of things.

I got a friend request (from a distant friend of a former classmate IIRC), then after I accepted I got a PM saying "sorry friended by accident."  Um, okay... She didn't have to tell me that. She could have just dropped me. I don't think FB notifies you when people unfriend...do they? The weird thing is (again IIRC) I think she asked me to unfriend her, which I did with no problem but the whole thing was just so silly. Unless I know the individual personally I don't really worry about how or why I came to lose their "acquaintance."

I'm with you on this one. When I first joined FB, I got a request, and note, from someone I had gone to college with, but didn't really know, she was good friends with friends of mine, but I hadn't really ever spoken to her. I figured though, ok, but I ended up defriending her a couple of days later, as she was posting on other friend's walls, all kinds of bizarre, silly stuff.  Ithink it was a combo of me being new to FB and also now knowing her. if she friended me today, I'd accept and keep her.

I will say, and this is just me, and my experiences as a child, I sometimes wonder did I DO something when I notice I've been unfriended, or do they not like me anymore, but those are my hangups.

[Otterpop]

I did that just today.  A friend on FB suggested someone I might know and I thought it was a friend request.  As soon as I'd hit the "friend" button it said "friend request sent."  Upon further investigation it was someone I've never met so I cancelled it.

You can cancel friend request before they accept (but only if you know you've sent one).  Look up person's page.  If "friend request sent" appears near their name, click on it and "cancel friend request" comes up on the menu.

To make sure it doesn't happen again I suggest you look for that "friend request sent" next to anyone's name you just lurked on.  (I've lurked out of curiosity on people I'd like to keep "estranged" too ).

[TylerBelle]

I'm not the only one!!

This happened a while ago. I didn't let the page finish loading completely, and went to click some link, but right as I was doing so, this guy's 'add friend' button from the list of "People you may know" jumped up under my cursor and I clicked it instead.

I didn't know what would be the reaction, but it was some minutes later I received the 'accept friend' message. And he's been on my friend list ever since, I suppose I'm on his as well. No biggie if not, though.

[demarco]

I appreciate everyone's comments.  I've learned a lot more about facebook from this thread. I've decided not to do anything at this point.  I'll probably unfriend  or block my niece eventually when it might be less noticeable and keep a low profile myself in the meantime.