S/O Bullying in Grad School

[chigrrl1]

honestly, I think that kind of justiification is pretty much standard for people who condon or practice bullying behavior. This is a grad class, not a frat house.  If the best justification you can come up with is "she probably hasn't reached the level of actual heartbreak" then it is time to get out of the pranking business. 

Op has not indicated in any way that prnaking is standard practice here.  I would hope that in an academic setting that would not be the case. If people want to hang out and pull that garbage on their own friends, on their own time - it seems incredibly juvenile but it is their call.  This is not the time or place for pranking even if you think it is the highest for of entertainment.

I don't agree.  Pranking people is entirely different than bullying them.  Pranking can be a form of team-building and a way to lighten up and take a minute to laugh.  I've pranked and been pranked in both Grad School and in the workplace. Grad school is tough, if students want to blow off some steam with a prank, more power to them.  Although I don't think this particular prank was all funny, I didn't see it as anything that would devastate the girl.

As someone who had a really hard time making friends and dating in college discovering someone liked me would have made my day. Discovering later that that was all a lie and not only did someone not like but a bunch of people were laughing at me behind my back would have devastated me. Pranks are only funny if the entire group finds they are funny. It doesn't even sound like the people pulling the prank are her friends. Just a group of people who don't like her and are going to go ahead and show her that.

  Fair enough, but when you were in college, would you have fallen for a Secret Admirer note? Perhaps that's why I don't think this prank is so terrible, it's not funny, but I would be pretty suspicions of any anonymous notes, not assuming that some person was really out there secretly admiring me.  If I didn't know it was a joke straight off, I'd actually be really creeped out if I thought it was real.

[wolfie]

honestly, I think that kind of justiification is pretty much standard for people who condon or practice bullying behavior. This is a grad class, not a frat house.  If the best justification you can come up with is "she probably hasn't reached the level of actual heartbreak" then it is time to get out of the pranking business. 

Op has not indicated in any way that prnaking is standard practice here.  I would hope that in an academic setting that would not be the case. If people want to hang out and pull that garbage on their own friends, on their own time - it seems incredibly juvenile but it is their call.  This is not the time or place for pranking even if you think it is the highest for of entertainment.

I don't agree.  Pranking people is entirely different than bullying them.  Pranking can be a form of team-building and a way to lighten up and take a minute to laugh.  I've pranked and been pranked in both Grad School and in the workplace. Grad school is tough, if students want to blow off some steam with a prank, more power to them.  Although I don't think this particular prank was all funny, I didn't see it as anything that would devastate the girl.

As someone who had a really hard time making friends and dating in college discovering someone liked me would have made my day. Discovering later that that was all a lie and not only did someone not like but a bunch of people were laughing at me behind my back would have devastated me. Pranks are only funny if the entire group finds they are funny. It doesn't even sound like the people pulling the prank are her friends. Just a group of people who don't like her and are going to go ahead and show her that.

  Fair enough, but when you were in college, would you have fallen for a Secret Admirer note? Perhaps that's why I don't think this prank is so terrible, it's not funny, but I would be pretty suspicions of any anonymous notes, not assuming that some person was really out there secretly admiring me.  If I didn't know it was a joke straight off, I'd actually be really creeped out if I thought it was real.

Probably - yes I would have fallen for the Secret Admirer note. 

[Eeep!]

honestly, I think that kind of justiification is pretty much standard for people who condon or practice bullying behavior. This is a grad class, not a frat house.  If the best justification you can come up with is "she probably hasn't reached the level of actual heartbreak" then it is time to get out of the pranking business. 

Op has not indicated in any way that prnaking is standard practice here.  I would hope that in an academic setting that would not be the case. If people want to hang out and pull that garbage on their own friends, on their own time - it seems incredibly juvenile but it is their call.  This is not the time or place for pranking even if you think it is the highest for of entertainment.

I don't agree.  Pranking people is entirely different than bullying them.  Pranking can be a form of team-building and a way to lighten up and take a minute to laugh.  I've pranked and been pranked in both Grad School and in the workplace. Grad school is tough, if students want to blow off some steam with a prank, more power to them.  Although I don't think this particular prank was all funny, I didn't see it as anything that would devastate the girl.

As someone who had a really hard time making friends and dating in college discovering someone liked me would have made my day. Discovering later that that was all a lie and not only did someone not like but a bunch of people were laughing at me behind my back would have devastated me. Pranks are only funny if the entire group finds they are funny. It doesn't even sound like the people pulling the prank are her friends. Just a group of people who don't like her and are going to go ahead and show her that.

  Fair enough, but when you were in college, would you have fallen for a Secret Admirer note? Perhaps that's why I don't think this prank is so terrible, it's not funny, but I would be pretty suspicions of any anonymous notes, not assuming that some person was really out there secretly admiring me.  If I didn't know it was a joke straight off, I'd actually be really creeped out if I thought it was real.

Probably - yes I would have fallen for the Secret Admirer note.

The OP said that the  "the prank puller doesn't like her", which I took to mean in general, but I guess she could have meant "like" like.  But I really am trying to understand how the goal of this particular prank isn't to embarass the person. And if that is the goal - regardless of if you think the person SHOULD have fallen for it - then it is mean.  Plus the OP said that the girl had fallen for it "hook, line and sinker".

ETA: I could totally see someone thinking that the whole secret admirer thing was "romantic", not creepy. Not saying that would be necessarily be my response, but I don't think that is an out there idea.

[chigrrl1]

I'm speaking as a person who is and keeps company with pranksters.  I think the title of the thread calling out the behavior as "bullying" is a little over the top--a prank is a joke.  I think the prank is too dumb to be worrying about hurt feelings.  If said pranksters were in middle school, I could see where the potential for negative fallout, but I can't imagine a grown woman taking this prank seriously.  It's not funny, but it's not really "mean." 

I've always found pranks involving writing letters from cats to their owners or prank calling and asking for the family dog much more fraught with hilarity.  I know that the pranksters in this circumstance toned down their already weak prank, but I don't think that the original prank was so terrible that someone who actively dislikes the prankee should feel concerned about.  If it escalated to the point where the prankee was heartbroken over some random note and half eaten chocolates, I would question her mental stability.  If pranking is the norm for this group of people, she'd probably could come up with her own counter-prank.

Yeah, sorry, but something that has the potential to humiliate and hurt someone is not a joke, its mean and nasty.

I agree. The whole point of the "prank" is to make someone feel stupid.  What other motivation could there be to string them along thinking that someone "out there" admires them?  Not remotely similar to receiving a letter from your pet.  Heartbroken might be a over the top reaction to the situation, but "humiliated" is almost as bad in my book. 
And I personally think that changing it to a bottle of wine is WORSE. At least the half eaten chocolates might have clued her in on the fact that it wasn't real.

Yeah, I wasn't quite sure how to read the bottle of wine gesture.  She mentioned it came with a funny note, were they fessing up or trying to further the farce?  Regardless, I probably wouldn't want to be drinking wine that a creepy SA would have sent me anonymously.

[chigrrl1]

[/quote]

Probably - yes I would have fallen for the Secret Admirer note.
[/quote] Duly noted.  I guess pranks are definitely a know your audience thing.  I used to write hilarious secret admirer notes to my coworkers, but they were so ludicrous that they were obviously jokes.  I don't think that making up a "real" sounding SA is all that funny, but I didn't realize that people would actually take it seriously.  Thanks for your perspective.

[mrsbrandt]

She actually laughed it off. So I think it what was included in today's package was a funny valentine, bottle of wine and cute note explaining the "joke/prank" and who the prankster was. I do think this Girl lacks emotional stability and that's why when I thought it was just a Secret Admirer note and chocolates I thought it was mean. Most people in our grad class would be skeptical of that note (I know I would have), but this Girl doesn't react like most people in our grad school class.

[chigrrl1]

She actually laughed it off. So I think it what was included in today's package was a funny valentine, bottle of wine and cute note explaining the "joke/prank" and who the prankster was. I do think this Girl lacks emotional stability and that's why when I thought it was just a Secret Admirer note and chocolates I thought it was mean. Most people in our grad class would be skeptical of that note (I know I would have), but this Girl doesn't react like most people in our grad school class.

  Thanks for the clarification. I'm glad she took it well, I was starting to feel like I was the only one who didn't think this prank was intrinsically mean and evil.