S/O Bullying in Grad School

[Zilla]

I just told my own kid that it's a mean thing to do when she was telling me of a similar prank being planned to a friend of hers.  I pointed out all the reasons why it's mean and she understood and was going to tell her friends not to do it.
 
She is 12 years old...the fact this is happening to 22 year olds in grad school no less, it's boggling.

[Sharnita]

I would tell her, not for her sake but because this is a grad program and not a 7th grade playground. People are using your educational forum as an opportunity to play mind games inflict psychological pain for their entertainment.  If you don't object to this episode, you might be the next star of their bullying behavior. She isn't nice, granted.  However, the natiness is spreading and growing more severe.  Do something to stop it, not because of an obligation to her but because of an obligation to common decency.

[auntmeegs]

I would tell her, not for her sake but because this is a grad program and not a 7th grade playground. People are using your educational forum as an opportunity to play mind games inflict psychological pain for their entertainment.  If you don't object to this episode, you might be the next star of their bullying behavior. She isn't nice, granted.  However, the natiness is spreading and growing more severe.  Do something to stop it, not because of an obligation to her but because of an obligation to common decency.

Total POD to all of this.

[mrsbrandt]

Apparently the prankster had a change of heart and with the crazy half eaten chocolates was a funny/nice note and bottle of wine. Thank goodness.

[Sharnita]

Apparently the prankster had a change of heart and with the crazy half eaten chocolates was a funny/nice note and bottle of wine. Thank goodness.

Was she pleased?  I still don't see how it ended well.

[strawbabies]

Apparently the prankster had a change of heart and with the crazy half eaten chocolates was a funny/nice note and bottle of wine. Thank goodness.

She's still going to be hurt when she finds out she doesn't have an admirer.  But I recommend you just stay out of it.  Everyone involved is a (supposed) adult.  I suspect she has bad blood with other people besides you, and that's why they're doing it. 

[chigrrl1]

I'm speaking as a person who is and keeps company with pranksters.  I think the title of the thread calling out the behavior as "bullying" is a little over the top--a prank is a joke.  I think the prank is too dumb to be worrying about hurt feelings.  If said pranksters were in middle school, I could see where the potential for negative fallout, but I can't imagine a grown woman taking this prank seriously.  It's not funny, but it's not really "mean." 

I've always found pranks involving writing letters from cats to their owners or prank calling and asking for the family dog much more fraught with hilarity.  I know that the pranksters in this circumstance toned down their already weak prank, but I don't think that the original prank was so terrible that someone who actively dislikes the prankee should feel concerned about.  If it escalated to the point where the prankee was heartbroken over some random note and half eaten chocolates, I would question her mental stability.  If pranking is the norm for this group of people, she'd probably could come up with her own counter-prank.

[Sharnita]

honestly, I think that kind of justiification is pretty much standard for people who condon or practice bullying behavior.  This is a grad class, not a frat house.  If the best justification you can come up with is "she probably hasn't reached the level of actual heartbreak" then it is time to get out of the pranking business. 

Op has not indicated in any way that prnaking is standard practice here.  I would hope that in an academic setting that would not be the case. If people want to hang out and pull that garbage on their own friends, on their own time - it seems incredibly juvenile but it is their call.  This is not the time or place for pranking even if you think it is the highest for of entertainment.

[auntmeegs]

I'm speaking as a person who is and keeps company with pranksters.  I think the title of the thread calling out the behavior as "bullying" is a little over the top--a prank is a joke.  I think the prank is too dumb to be worrying about hurt feelings.  If said pranksters were in middle school, I could see where the potential for negative fallout, but I can't imagine a grown woman taking this prank seriously.  It's not funny, but it's not really "mean." 

I've always found pranks involving writing letters from cats to their owners or prank calling and asking for the family dog much more fraught with hilarity.  I know that the pranksters in this circumstance toned down their already weak prank, but I don't think that the original prank was so terrible that someone who actively dislikes the prankee should feel concerned about.  If it escalated to the point where the prankee was heartbroken over some random note and half eaten chocolates, I would question her mental stability.  If pranking is the norm for this group of people, she'd probably could come up with her own counter-prank.

Yeah, sorry, but something that has the potential to humiliate and hurt someone is not a joke, its mean and nasty.   

[chigrrl1]

honestly, I think that kind of justiification is pretty much standard for people who condon or practice bullying behavior. This is a grad class, not a frat house.  If the best justification you can come up with is "she probably hasn't reached the level of actual heartbreak" then it is time to get out of the pranking business. 

Op has not indicated in any way that prnaking is standard practice here.  I would hope that in an academic setting that would not be the case. If people want to hang out and pull that garbage on their own friends, on their own time - it seems incredibly juvenile but it is their call.  This is not the time or place for pranking even if you think it is the highest for of entertainment.

I don't agree.  Pranking people is entirely different than bullying them.  Pranking can be a form of team-building and a way to lighten up and take a minute to laugh.  I've pranked and been pranked in both Grad School and in the workplace. Grad school is tough, if students want to blow off some steam with a prank, more power to them.  Although I don't think this particular prank was all funny, I didn't see it as anything that would devastate the girl.

[wolfie]

honestly, I think that kind of justiification is pretty much standard for people who condon or practice bullying behavior. This is a grad class, not a frat house.  If the best justification you can come up with is "she probably hasn't reached the level of actual heartbreak" then it is time to get out of the pranking business. 

Op has not indicated in any way that prnaking is standard practice here.  I would hope that in an academic setting that would not be the case. If people want to hang out and pull that garbage on their own friends, on their own time - it seems incredibly juvenile but it is their call.  This is not the time or place for pranking even if you think it is the highest for of entertainment.

I don't agree.  Pranking people is entirely different than bullying them.  Pranking can be a form of team-building and a way to lighten up and take a minute to laugh.  I've pranked and been pranked in both Grad School and in the workplace. Grad school is tough, if students want to blow off some steam with a prank, more power to them.  Although I don't think this particular prank was all funny, I didn't see it as anything that would devastate the girl.

As someone who had a really hard time making friends and dating in college discovering someone liked me would have made my day. Discovering later that that was all a lie and not only did someone not like but a bunch of people were laughing at me behind my back would have devastated me. Pranks are only funny if the entire group finds they are funny. It doesn't even sound like the people pulling the prank are her friends. Just a group of people who don't like her and are going to go ahead and show her that.

[Eeep!]

I'm speaking as a person who is and keeps company with pranksters.  I think the title of the thread calling out the behavior as "bullying" is a little over the top--a prank is a joke.  I think the prank is too dumb to be worrying about hurt feelings.  If said pranksters were in middle school, I could see where the potential for negative fallout, but I can't imagine a grown woman taking this prank seriously.  It's not funny, but it's not really "mean." 

I've always found pranks involving writing letters from cats to their owners or prank calling and asking for the family dog much more fraught with hilarity.  I know that the pranksters in this circumstance toned down their already weak prank, but I don't think that the original prank was so terrible that someone who actively dislikes the prankee should feel concerned about.  If it escalated to the point where the prankee was heartbroken over some random note and half eaten chocolates, I would question her mental stability.  If pranking is the norm for this group of people, she'd probably could come up with her own counter-prank.

Yeah, sorry, but something that has the potential to humiliate and hurt someone is not a joke, its mean and nasty.

I agree. The whole point of the "prank" is to make someone feel stupid.  What other motivation could there be to string them along thinking that someone "out there" admires them?  Not remotely similar to receiving a letter from your pet.  Heartbroken might be a over the top reaction to the situation, but "humiliated" is almost as bad in my book. 
And I personally think that changing it to a bottle of wine is WORSE. At least the half eaten chocolates might have clued her in on the fact that it wasn't real.

[Sharnita]

honestly, I think that kind of justiification is pretty much standard for people who condon or practice bullying behavior. This is a grad class, not a frat house.  If the best justification you can come up with is "she probably hasn't reached the level of actual heartbreak" then it is time to get out of the pranking business. 

Op has not indicated in any way that prnaking is standard practice here.  I would hope that in an academic setting that would not be the case. If people want to hang out and pull that garbage on their own friends, on their own time - it seems incredibly juvenile but it is their call.  This is not the time or place for pranking even if you think it is the highest for of entertainment.

I don't agree.  Pranking people is entirely different than bullying them.  Pranking can be a form of team-building and a way to lighten up and take a minute to laugh.  I've pranked and been pranked in both Grad School and in the workplace. Grad school is tough, if students want to blow off some steam with a prank, more power to them.  Although I don't think this particular prank was all funny, I didn't see it as anything that would devastate the girl.

And once again, the fact that devastation is used as the benchmark kind of underscores a level of insensitivity, IMO.  One can be merely hurt and it is bullying.  it doesn't have to reach devastation.  It can be hurt or embarrassed.  And yes, I've been to grad school too.  I don't see how humiliating peopl makes it easier.  And in this case team building seems to be teaming up to embarrass a classmate. I have never seen a grad class or (healthy) work place where that was the kind of team building that would be acceptable.

[Eeep!]

honestly, I think that kind of justiification is pretty much standard for people who condon or practice bullying behavior. This is a grad class, not a frat house.  If the best justification you can come up with is "she probably hasn't reached the level of actual heartbreak" then it is time to get out of the pranking business. 

Op has not indicated in any way that prnaking is standard practice here.  I would hope that in an academic setting that would not be the case. If people want to hang out and pull that garbage on their own friends, on their own time - it seems incredibly juvenile but it is their call.  This is not the time or place for pranking even if you think it is the highest for of entertainment.

I don't agree.  Pranking people is entirely different than bullying them.  Pranking can be a form of team-building and a way to lighten up and take a minute to laugh.  I've pranked and been pranked in both Grad School and in the workplace. Grad school is tough, if students want to blow off some steam with a prank, more power to them.  Although I don't think this particular prank was all funny, I didn't see it as anything that would devastate the girl.

Regarding the bolded - I truly don't see how you can equate the OPs situation with this.  First of all, she has said that they aren't friends with the girl - they don't like her. So there is in no way "team building" is a goal. Secondly, this is an on going prank.  That is not taking "a minute to laugh".  It is ongoing activities with the payoff being someone being embarassed that they believed it for so long.
And while I think some pranks are funny- it REALLY is a "know your audience" situation, even for the best of them. 

[chigrrl1]

Yeah, sorry, but something that has the potential to humiliate and hurt someone is not a joke, its mean and nasty.
[/quote]

I fail to see how this would be humiliating to a grown woman unless she was going around bragging about her awesome secret admirer.  This trick would be mean in middle school...y'know, the place where I presume people still write notes.  But if you get a SA note as an adult, you should know enough to come to one of these conclusions: a) it's a joke b) the SA is a creep or c) the person writing the note is not mature enough to talk to her in person and subsequently not mature enough for a relationship.

I didn't get the impression that the pranksters were targeting this girl out of spite for any reason, the OP said that she was the one who had beef with the prankee and didn't mention *why* they wanted to pull the prank.  Perhaps, the prankee socializes with these people and their group is one that can take a prank.