Should I really call to say I don't want to hang out?

[MissNomer]

This is I'm reference to a specific instance but I'm curious to see what people think in general.

Long story short is I got a text from a friend asking of I wanted to hang out on a certain date. I let him know that I already had plans and he said that was fine, bit if I wanted to hang out afterward to let him know.

Well, turns out my previous plans got cancelled, but then I wasn't in a mood for company other than my cat. Since I didn't want to hang out, I never called my friend.

This came up in a conversation with a third friend who thought I was rude, and since my plans were cancelled I should have called my friend to let him know. Is this what would be considered polite? I'm willing to admit I might be in the wrong here, but if it were me I wouldn't want a text saying "Hey, my thing got cancelled but I still don't wanna hang out."

So e-Hellions, did I owe my friend a phonecall?

[Outdoor Girl]

Absolutely not.  He wasn't expecting to hang out with you.  I agree that it would be really strange to get a text/call.  'Hey, my plans got cancelled but I still don't want to hang out with you.'  How to make a guy feel good.     If you had wanted to hang out with him, after all, fine, give him a shout.

Playing with the cat can count as 'other plans', in my books.

[MrsCrazyPete]

POD to Outdoor Girl

[oceanus]

No, there would be no point in calling/texting.  You were honest; you did have plans, and the fact they wre cancelled is here nor there since you don't want to hang out.

[Auntie Mame]

Oh good heavens no, third friend is dead wrong.  What does friend think you should have said, this: "Oh hi, I just wanted to call and say that even though I'm free tonight, I don't want to hang out with you".

Yikes!

You absolutely did the right thing.  For the record, you did have plans that night.  You had plans to stay at come and cuddle with the kitty.

[TootsNYC]

No. But you do owe him a reciprocal invitation to get together sometime.

He invited you. Invitations are supposed to be returned (even if you can't get together for his).

That's how we tell people we enjoy their company--by seeking it out.

But as for that night? No, you don't owe him a phone call.

[bloo]

I agree with what everyone else is posted and think you're friend is being weird.

I have to wonder why, though, your friend has such an odd opinion on this.

Is there any chance, OP, that your 2nd friend will find out your plans fell through and may get hurt feelings that you didn't call to hang out? I was just wondering if this is the tack 3rd friend is coming from.

It doesn't really contribute to any difference in how to handle it, though, and I think you're fine in not contacting him about it.

[MissNomer]

I agree with what everyone else is posted and think you're friend is being weird.

I have to wonder why, though, your friend has such an odd opinion on this.

Is there any chance, OP, that your 2nd friend will find out your plans fell through and may get hurt feelings that you didn't call to hang out? I was just wondering if this is the tack 3rd friend is coming from.

It doesn't really contribute to any difference in how to handle it, though, and I think you're fine in not contacting him about it.

This is almost certainly third friend's thinking. When I talked to my initial friend (let's call him Bill) I stated what plans I had; I didn't just say I had plans. So there is the chance that Bill will find out that  the thing was cancelled, but if he questions me about It I would just mention I didn't call because I wasn't up for company. We both struggle with depression so I doubt Bill would be offended by that logic.

[Zilla]

Nope.  Unless you posted on Facebook, "My plans fell through and I am staying at home alone instead."  and he is on your friend's list and might wonder if you remembered he asked you to hang out.  Not rude but slightly careless.

[BeagleMommy]

So you were supposed to call Bill and say "Hey, Bill, my plans fell through but I still don't want to hang out tonight."?  To quote Spock that is "Highly, illogical".

[gen xer]

Along with everyone else of course you don't owe him a phone call.  I guess it boild down to be careful who you share information with.  It never ceases to amaze me how many people feel compelled to share all their plans / details with others and then have it come back to burn them.  You aren't obliged to tell everyone everything about what you do or don't do.

[gollymolly2]

No. But you do owe him a reciprocal invitation to get together sometime.

He invited you. Invitations are supposed to be returned (even if you can't get together for his).

That's how we tell people we enjoy their company--by seeking it out.

But as for that night? No, you don't owe him a phone call.

I disagree, to the extent this suggests that because he invited her out once, she must now invite him out once. Friendships don't carry a rigid quid pro quo requirement - "I've invited Susan to an event so now Susan must invite me to an event." Friendships should involve give and take, but they don't have to be exactly equal.

If op's friend often contacts her to hang out, and she wants to maintain the friendship, she should also make plans and include him sometimes. But there's no one-for-one requirement. That would turn friendships into unpleasant, rigid sources of obligation.

[Moray]

LOL, how did your other friend imagine that phone call would go? "Hey, you know how I said I couldn't hang out because I had plans? Well, I'm calling to let you know my plans fell through, but I still don't want to see you. Bye!"

I think you're totally in the clear here. A phone call would have made things needlessly awkward.

[NotTheNarcissist]

He left the ball in your court to call if you changed your mind so no you were not rude.

The other friend that said you were sounds like they are butting in.