Guest/Host TV Etiquette (Long-ish)

[CrochetFanatic]

Their mother was in and out of the living room, but they weren't really watching their toddler, which is typical when they have people over.

I don't understand this. Maybe it's a "you had to be there" thing, but I have never watched my toddler *IN OUR OWN HOME* when we have guests.

There is no place in my home that my own child can't go. And I absolutely figure that especially when it's family, any truly *dangerous* behavior can be stopped by whatever relative/grownup/friend is nearer. In case of injury or tantrum, I'm in the other room, so it's not like I'm really ignoring her. Anything else falls into the category of "interacting with her own visitors"--something she has a right to do.

And at a family member's house, or at her own, I'm not sure why you'd lead the child back to her mother. She's not a package or even "someone else's child"; she's a visitor in her own right. Or, it's HER house.

As for the TV, well, that's why my mother wouldn't have allowed the TV on for ANY reason, not even a kids' show.

If the aunt wasn't willing to teach her child how to delay gratification by saying, "I'm sorry, honey, the grownups are watching something else right now," then she should have not been so curt to the grownups.

(and the visiting grownups SHOULD be interacting with the kid a bit more--no fair getting absorbed in the TV show and then being upset that the kid is bored! Of course she's bored; the grownups are BEING boring--which is another reason why the TV should be off, in my opinion)

Let me just clarify a couple of things here.  I was stating a simple fact, not implying that she didn't have the run of her own house, nor that she doesn't have the right to interact with visitors.  Babysitting is sort of a sore spot with us and them, because we were basically used a little over a year ago, and it blew up in our faces when we had to stop babysitting on a twice-weekly basis to attend to our own personal problems, which were extensive.  I don't want to get into that, though.  The reason I led her by the hand to her parents was because I had to use the bathroom, and there was no one else in the living room with her the two times I did this.  I didn't feel the need to add this bit, for obvious reasons.  This was after the one time I did leave her in there by herself, figuring she'd be fine in her own home, and I got bawled out for "letting" her color on their walls with crayons.  I was covering my butt, plain and simple.  Family or not, she is someone else's child. 

As for the party, she wasn't being ignored.  I was playing with her, my mom and my brother were playing with her, the guests who were in the living room with her were interacting with her as well.  She wasn't bored, trust me.  I'm not sure why I'm being scolded here.

[bah12]

Besides the SuperBowl, we don't have the TV on when we have parties or guests.  Nor do we allow our DD to watch more than an hour of TV a day (if she's good).   That being said, I do have parents that like watching TV and when they are over, the TV is normally on.  I kind of see having "guests" that are also family as a little different. And while it would be great to defer to the preference of family members when deciding what to watch, I don't think that there is much wrong with deciding that a toddler can watch their program instead.  It's kind of unfair (IMO) to have people over, (I would think for the purpose of conversing and socializing), have no one over that interacts with the child, expect the child to be occupied and not interrupt the adults, but also insist that the TV be tuned into something the adults are only half paying attention to.  Is it rude to let the guests watch what they want and not the child?  No.  But it's also not rude to let the child watch their preference when guests are over.  Unless the party was specifically for the grammy's or a tv watching event, then I don't have a problem with parents tuning the TV into the Disney Channel even if other adults want something else on. 

Now, I'd have a different opinion if the parents of the toddler were guests in someone's else's home and insisted the toddler watched what she wanted.  In both cases, I would side with the decision of the owner of the TV.

[CrochetFanatic]

First, thank you to everyone who gave me their thoughts on the matter.  I was sort of thinking along the same lines, that she wasn't rude per se, and that it was her choice, curt or not.  I was just double checking here, and I have a clearer picture of things now.

Second, I want to apologize.  I have very mixed feelings about them after some of the things that happened between us, and I let that color my first post.  Also, to TootsNYC, I'm sorry for taking offense and responding the way I did.  I think I might have been rude in my own thread, which wasn't my intention.

[m2kbug]

If I had a bunch of people at the house who wanted to watch the Grammy's, we watch the Grammy's.  The kids can certainly find something else to do.  There are plenty of toys or they can color or play in the yard.  I wouldn't cater to Disney channel or Sponge Bob. 

I have had the TV on for kid programming or video games. The adults can socialize and the kids can do their thing, but if the TV is intrusive on the gathering, keep it off or tune into a music channel or something. 

I think it was rude to change the channel to kid programming when the adults had decided they'd like to tune into the Grammy's. 

Usually TV isn't on the agenda when there are people at the house, but occasionally it gets turned on to follow sports or something.  This has never been an issue for me, but I don't think I would put the TV on kid shows at the expense of my adult guests who collectively decided they'd like to tune into the Grammy's or catch a comedy show or whatever.  The kid can survive a few hours without TV.  Those channels are re-run central, they won't miss anything, and will have an opportunity to watch whatever show a dozen times over.  I've watched SpongeBob shrink his village a million times by now and the rusty spatula. 

I don't understand this problem with "not watching the child."  I never have to be glued to my child at home.  My children know the rules and are free to go anywhere in the home or back yard without me being attached to them at all times.  Being stuck in a room with the toddler and the parent leaves the room, does not make you automatic babysitter.  It's probably typical the child watches a show or entertains himself while mom and dad are dealing with dinner or chores or other household tasks so I'm sort of wondering if you placed this babysitting requirement or obligation on yourself unnecessarily. 

[CrochetFanatic]

No, not really.  At least, I don't think so.  I've gotten, "Aren't you watching her?" more than once when I've tried to leave the room on other occasions, so I got the idea that they just sort of assume that I will.

I don't want to make it sound like I don't want anything to do with the kids, because I do interact with them when we meet.  It's actually a lot of fun.  I just haven't had much luck in setting limits to what I'm willing/able to do, and my attempts have been pretty clumsy so far.  I'm not all that good at asserting myself if I'm anticipating trouble for doing it.  Plus, the three-year-old figured out the baby gates, and they have a steep staircase without carpeting. 

[m2kbug]

For whatever it's worth, CrochetFanatic, I never drew the conclusion that you didn't interact with or enjoy this child, and I don't think you projected that (and I hope I didn't).  But if this child cannot be left alone for two seconds without getting into trouble or putting herself in danger, the parents need to deal with the constant supervision.  This really isn't your responsibility unless they ask you to babysit and you agree to the terms.  It's one thing to keep an eye out on each other's kids and another thing entirely if this child cannot be trusted and you're stuck with the role because the parents aren't doing it.  I think taking the child to her parent so you can use the restroom or talk with other friends and family is fine.  I'm quite surprised you can't even make use of the potty without the child getting up to no good. 

[TootsNYC]

No, not really.  At least, I don't think so.  I've gotten, "Aren't you watching her?" more than once when I've tried to leave the room on other occasions, so I got the idea that they just sort of assume that I will.

I don't want to make it sound like I don't want anything to do with the kids, because I do interact with them when we meet.  It's actually a lot of fun.  I just haven't had much luck in setting limits to what I'm willing/able to do, and my attempts have been pretty clumsy so far.  I'm not all that good at asserting myself if I'm anticipating trouble for doing it.  Plus, the three-year-old figured out the baby gates, and they have a steep staircase without carpeting.

Maybe your problem is that you're not incredulous back to them.

"No, I was in the bathroom!"

"No, I want to get something to drink!"

"Does she need watching? This is her own home!"

I think it's hard when you've been the kid, and you sort of believe that grownups are always right, and then you get to a point where they're not but you don't believe you can say that.

But you can.

Absolutely you can look at them as if they've suddenly grown three extra heads. (It's a VERY useful expression.)

And blithely ignore them.

One of the most valuable of things to be able to do is to translate comments like "weren't you watching her?" into CharlieBrown Grownup Speak: "Wah wah wah wah wah, wah wah wawh."

[MrTango]

No, not really.  At least, I don't think so.  I've gotten, "Aren't you watching her?" more than once when I've tried to leave the room on other occasions, so I got the idea that they just sort of assume that I will.

I don't want to make it sound like I don't want anything to do with the kids, because I do interact with them when we meet.  It's actually a lot of fun.  I just haven't had much luck in setting limits to what I'm willing/able to do, and my attempts have been pretty clumsy so far.  I'm not all that good at asserting myself if I'm anticipating trouble for doing it.  Plus, the three-year-old figured out the baby gates, and they have a steep staircase without carpeting.

Maybe your problem is that you're not incredulous back to them.

"No, I was in the bathroom!"

"No, I want to get something to drink!"

"Does she need watching? This is her own home!"

I think it's hard when you've been the kid, and you sort of believe that grownups are always right, and then you get to a point where they're not but you don't believe you can say that.

But you can.

Absolutely you can look at them as if they've suddenly grown three extra heads. (It's a VERY useful expression.)

And blithely ignore them.

One of the most valuable of things to be able to do is to translate comments like "weren't you watching her?" into CharlieBrown Grownup Speak: "Wah wah wah wah wah, wah wah wawh."

I'd be hesitant to be incredulous back to them (because I think that would be more likely to escalate the situation).  Instead, I would respond in as flat a tone as I could manage: "No, I was not watching her.  She is not my responsibility."

[snowdragon]

At your home? Your discretion. If the TV isn't being used and she asks to turn the tube on so Tiny Child can watch cartoons, I wouldn't fuss. If you happen to be watching it and she asks, no is totally appropriate. If Tiny Child (or anyone for that matter) is using the TV and you would like to watch something else, it wouldn't be particularly polite to change the channel.

If the parent turns the tv to something banned in a particular house, or turns it on with out permission, I see nothing wrong with the home owner having the spine to turn it off. Tiny Child or not they should not be using the home owner's property either with out asking first or outside the bounds of the home owners beliefs.

[JonGirl]

I do not put up with people doing that with my tv. at all...
My ds is 8 and the only cartoons we allow are The Simpsons, Family Guy and especially American Dad.

Yeah, and look after your own kids in my house. 

[gorplady]

At our house, the television is generally not on when we have company over.

If it were turned on by guests, because they absolutely had to watch a movie or tv or whatever, I reserve the right to decide if something is out of line. For example, since I  have young children, and my guests want to watch "Friday the Thirteenth," it's just not going to happen. My tv, my rules. I'm the one that will be up at 3am with them while they have a nightmare.

If my kids want to watch tv, the answer is generally no, but there have been times where we've put the laptop upstairs in the playroom and all the kids have hung out in there to watch a kids' movie and chill out after play time. (This would happen, say, after they've eaten a major meal, they need some down time, and the grownups want to eat and socialise.)

If an adult went in there and turned off what the kids were watching to watch what they wanted to watch, I am not quite sure what I would do. I would think it very rude and probably let them know that this is the kids' area and invite them to rejoin the party downstairs.