Hostesses With The Mostest > Entertaining and Hospitality

Would you apologize on your spouse's behalf? Update (Examples) post 20

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I can think of several instances in my life with various couples but I'm not sure the specifics are necessary. Let's say that a good friend of yours was hosting an important event. And your spouse either purposely or thoughtlessly offended this good friend. If at some point you were discussing this with your good friend and learned that your spouse had acted like a boor, what would you do to preserve the friendship?

I imagine you would bring this up with your spouse, right? Let's say your spouse didn't think it was that big of a deal and didn't think an apology was necessary. Would you just stay silent, or would you try to apologize to your friend and make things right somehow?

the specifics do matter because it depends on what was said, and where you present when it happened but in general i don't apologize for grown ups (unless they have a severe mental handicapped). I used to - but I don't anymore.

actually, now that i am thinking about it - this did happen to me with my then-husband who verbally attacked a good friend (they had a dispute over money, each felt that they were correct, he ended up driving out to her house where she was alone, demanding she pay him and yelled at her). My then-husband was totally and 100% wrong though he felt that he was right. I didn't apologize to my friend because i didn't do anything wrong. I did tell her "i heard both sides of the story and i believe you are right. I understand you don't want to have anything to do with husband. I would be happy if we - her and i - could somehow continue to be friends"

since we ended up divorcing not long after that, it didn't matter much. but I would say something like that to your friend.

I think an apology would depend on the severity of the situation but trying to stay with your example.

Friend is hosting an anniversary party. DH has one too many glasses of wine (but honestly I'm more likely to be the one to have one too many) and makes a comment about being suprised the couple lasted as long as they did in front of the hostess.  I hear about it the next day from another friend. I say something to DH, he says he doesn't remember saying it, and anyway it was just a joke. The next time I see the hostess I'd probably say "I hope you weren't too offended by DH's attempt at bad humor but I'm truly sorry if you were."

If this is a good friend and you think your spouse behaved poorly, no I don't think you should aplogize for him.  Especially if he thinks he has done nothing wrong.  If friend brings it up, I would just comment, "I am married to him and cannot control him." and leave it at that.  Don't get further involved.
If you think your husband didn't behave poorly or was misunderstood, I might explain it to friend so he or she won't judge him in the harshest light possible.  So not necessarily apologize, but explain with facts.  If friend still insists he is wrong, then agree to disagree and bean dip.  But in either case, you don't apologize.

I think the specific situation matters.  In most cases, I would hope that I wouldn't hear about my husband's behavior second hand and I'm not sure (again depending on what it was) that I would automatically assume that my husband needed to be apologized for.

But, hypothetically, if it were by best friend who said my DH said something harsh or acted in a boorish way (so, now we have two people I trust almost implicitly), and I had no prior knowledge of the incident.  I might say something like "Really?  Wow! That's a terrible thing to say/act.  I can't imagine what he was thinking because that isn't like him at all.  Do you want me to talk to him for you?  He owes you, at the least, an explanation."

So, not dismissive of my friend but not exactly throwing my DH under the bus either. 


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