My daughter's houseguest is rude !

[WillyNilly]

I think the pizza thing was rude... but also pretty typical teen behavior.

I will also say, in my experience, labelling your DD's friend totally wrong as you have without any additional info.. well in "teen speak" you might as well have packed your DD's bags. Because al it will do to condemn this girl is convince your daughter just how irrational you are, and how you just don't understand how things are, etc, etc. The more you dislike this girl, the more you will drive your daughter straight to her.

Your DD is 17. When you speak to her about the pizza, assume she was 100% equally involved, not just blindly influenced. And speak to her in "I" terms, such as "I was hurt you didn't comunicate". If you just attack the friend as a bad influence and scold your DD she will feel infantilized and will not be receptive.

[*inviteseller]

Yes, they knew I was making dinner, as she came over before dinner and was spending the night.  They were both in the living room when I announced taco night, and neither said anything. We had to eat dinner, and I cannot honestly think, even though she has been here before, that I would send her to another room while we ate.  I probably would have raised an eyebrow but not be a bit offended if they would have said then 'oh, we are gonna order food for ourselves' but the first i knew of it is when I opened the door and some guy was asking me for $17.00.  And yes, my DD was rude in whatever part she played in it, but I guess I am just kind of taken aback that someone who I personally invited for the night (when they were discussing when schedules would permit them to get together last weekend) would act like it is acceptable to accept someones offer of hospitality of staying in their home, knowing that food was/would be provided because she has been here before and just order food (she admitted she did).  I guess I am just old fashioned because I honestly could not imagine doing that at any sleepover I had been to. 

As I was typing this, my daughter came down to get some DVD's and I casually asked why they ordered food when they knew I was cooking.  The girl just wanted to have a bite to eat with my DD, so instead of the 2 of them going somewhere local, she saw no problem with ordering in.  When I asked my DD if she thought that was rude in her mind, she shrugged her shoulders and said she didn't think I would be bothered by it    I said my piece, not gonna say anything else and if she comes over again, I will still extend the same hospitality I extend to all her friends (but in my head I won't like it )

[joraemi]

I'm going to call this a communication issue mixed with disappointment happens when expectations don't meet reality.

Was it rude? I think so, yes. But they are kids and as parents our job is to teach them the ways of the world so they can be productive members of society. We're their intentions malicious? Doubtful. If it were happening in my house I think I'd take this approach:

Pop upstairs and ask if they have any leftover pizza that needs to go in the fridge, can you take the pizza box to the trash, etc, then I'd say something along the line of, " you know, in the future it would be really helpful to me if you let me know ahead of time that you want to order pizza instead of eating with the rest of us. That way I won't have a ton of leftovers. ... And really, in a perfect world, I'd prefer that you eat downstairs with us, even if you are eating something different than we are. Then you can go right back to your super secret upstairs fun, ok?".

 You may or may not get some sheepish looks or apologies- either way I think the message will be delivered.

 As I have learned to ask myself with the support of e-hell- is this really the hill you want to die on?

[Sharnita]

I am really confused as to why you are willing to give your DD the benefit of the doubt and yet not her friend. If friend should have known then shouldn'tD have also known and said something when friend came up with the idea?  And iff DD didn't think you would mind isn;t it possible she conveyed that opinion to her friend?

[oceanus]

DD may have come up with the pizza idea, and friend agreed to pay.

[Mental Magpie]

Did you guys miss the update? OP says her daughter is just as guilty and that it was the friend's idea.

[*inviteseller]

I am really confused as to why you are willing to give your DD the benefit of the doubt and yet not her friend. If friend should have known then shouldn'tD have also known and said something when friend came up with the idea?  And iff DD didn't think you would mind isn;t it possible she conveyed that opinion to her friend?

I am not giving my daughter the benefit of the doubt, I just said I put her in her flaming basket second.  No, at that age, sometimes they don't think that their actions could offend someone, but while I cannot quite teach an 18 yr old girl manners, I will teach mine.  The problem is they got caught up in what they wanted (and when I asked my daughter I did make sure to phrase it as I wasn't blaming one or the other but questioning why the two of them decided to order out) and it is obvious it was the other girls idea, but my daughter went along with it willingly.  No this is truly not my hill to die on, I was just flabbergasted by it (and why I just walked away while she paid and went upstairs with it) because as another poster said, if I condemn the girl then my DD will try to prove me wrong by staying in this friendship.  What I tried to do by asking my DD only and by ourselves why they felt the need to order out, was not accuse or blame, but plant that seed that makes her think if that action was acceptable for a guest.

[doodlemor]

In a year or less your DD will be free to live wherever she wants (as long as she can pay her own way) so I'd be careful not to push her away. They may have their own falling out before then anyway, completely unaided by you.

I think that Erich has given some wise advice here.  In a few months your DD can go wherever she wants.

The pizza thing can be perceived as rude, but it is entirely possible that the other girl does not realize this.  It sounds like her upbringing has been a bit sketchy.

I think that you need to look at the big picture here, and not do anything that will alienate your daughter - and it sounds like this has been your strategy already.  If the facilities which helped with your daughter's illness offer any kind of counseling I think that you should avail yourself of the opportunity.  It can't be easy dealing with an ill child.

[*inviteseller]

ty Erich & doodlemor...my daughter has it down to the minutes till she turns 18 and she can go out by herself (3 1/2 months, not that I'm counting!).  This girl has been brought up in a nice home, but since she turned 18 (she will be 19 next month), she wants to do what she wants while still enjoying the benefits of parental units taking care of her and they butt heads.  She is just exerting, in a few people's opinions, a little too much influence on my DD and steering her away from what she is attempting to do with her life as she heads into adulthood into what she wants THEM to do as BFF's.  And my DD gets individual therapy, but we also do family therapy and I belong to a support group so as to hold on to my sanity.  Bi polar is a female dog, especially when it happens to your sweet, smart, talented, beautiful child.  She has trouble maintaining friendships so when someone shows her the attention this girl has, she loves it.  I just keep biting my tongue and bean dipping until she has her AHA moment, and hope it comes soon!

[doodlemor]

It sounds like you are doing everything you can with a very difficult situation, *inviteseller.  Hang in there, and post here when discouragement strikes.

Hugs to you and your family.

[Erich L-ster]

Young adults & nearly adults wanting to do their own thing is to be expected. As long as there's no getting drunk (or worse) or dangerous driving I wouldn't be so worried about them wanting to hang out away from the parents.

[NyaChan]

I think the only rudeness was in not telling you that they wouldn't be eating with you so you didn't make dinner for 2 no shows - and that goes on both the girls.  My house used to be the house to come to and hang out/sleep over.  We didn't tell my parents if we were ordering out, we just did it.  I've never had friends who at that age had to check with their parents before ordering food unless there was some extra reason (money, change in plans, house rules re:food).  If they were younger and there was a reason why you didn't want them to have pizza, I could understand getting this upset.  However, in this case, they are all but adults - were you really going to deny them the choice of what they wanted to eat anyways? Then what does it hurt that they decided it on their own (of course this is separate from their obvious rudeness in not informing you about not eating tacos)?  I put the blame for not telling you mostly on your daughter.  If I made plans with a friend that was different from what their parents thought we'd be doing, I would expect the friend to communicate with their parents if they thought it was necessary.  Once your daughter knew they wouldn't be joining you for dinner, she should have told you.

[Deetee]

In the spousal apology thread, there was scenario where a son-in-law and a friend briefly left a party hosted by the mother-in-law to pick up some movies for later. The Mother-in-law was upset and most posters in that thread thought her upset should be directed to the son-in-law as the friend would have trusted the son-in-law to know what interactions would acceptable.

I think the same thing applies here. The main "culprit" was the daughter who would be more aware of the rules of the house and should communicate those to her friend. If the daughter thought it would be fine, the friend is off the hook.

From the other posters this sounds like it can go either way depending on the household so I think it's right to follow the lead of the host teen. (I know I had evenings of ordering pizza where it would never occur to me to involve the parents. I just followed the lead of the teen "host" as to whether the parents would feed us or we would feed ourselves. And I know that even if the parent invited us for dinner, I would still follow my friends lead as to whether that was a "real" invite or not.)

[Miss Unleaded]

I definitely think it is rude for a house guest to order food without even speaking to the host.  A simple "would you mind if we ordered pizza?  I will pay of course" would have gone a LONG way.  I think it's double rude that she didn't offer you or your other DD any.  Sorry but you don't order food for half the house and not the rest, especially when you are a GUEST and enjoying the hospitality of the home.  Triple rude that she knew you were making dinner for her and just let you continue working on dinner!  The girls ages mitigate it slightly, but not much.  I vote very rude.  I am kind of shocked that people think this is normal.  I have entertained guests many times and have never had any of them order food while I was in the middle of making them dinner.  I really can't imagine that being anything other than very rude.

This. Sure, my friends and I got pizza on sleepovers loads, but I had at least discussed it with my mother beforehand, if only as a "Yeah, we'll probably get pizza, so don't worry about dinner for us" sort of way. Any of my friends would also have said "Hey, Mrs Irismum, I'm ordering pizza now, did you want me to pick up anything for you?" She always said no, but that's not the point.

So I agree that this is rude. However, given the state of things I would wait until you are cooled down and then address it with DD as an FYI rather than chastising her.

Both of these, and as the OP's daughter is living with her mother and is 17, she is not the host.  This is the OP's house, thus her house, her rules.  This is not a gracious house guest; this is an SS flippantly doing what she wants in someone else's home.  I'd be just as angry as the OP.

Pod.

I agree.  I am really having a hard time understanding how anyone could see this as not rude. 

[Fleur]

I definitely think it is rude for a house guest to order food without even speaking to the host.  A simple "would you mind if we ordered pizza?  I will pay of course" would have gone a LONG way.  I think it's double rude that she didn't offer you or your other DD any.  Sorry but you don't order food for half the house and not the rest, especially when you are a GUEST and enjoying the hospitality of the home.  Triple rude that she knew you were making dinner for her and just let you continue working on dinner!  The girls ages mitigate it slightly, but not much.  I vote very rude.  I am kind of shocked that people think this is normal.  I have entertained guests many times and have never had any of them order food while I was in the middle of making them dinner.  I really can't imagine that being anything other than very rude.

This. Sure, my friends and I got pizza on sleepovers loads, but I had at least discussed it with my mother beforehand, if only as a "Yeah, we'll probably get pizza, so don't worry about dinner for us" sort of way. Any of my friends would also have said "Hey, Mrs Irismum, I'm ordering pizza now, did you want me to pick up anything for you?" She always said no, but that's not the point.

So I agree that this is rude. However, given the state of things I would wait until you are cooled down and then address it with DD as an FYI rather than chastising her.

Both of these, and as the OP's daughter is living with her mother and is 17, she is not the host.  This is the OP's house, thus her house, her rules.  This is not a gracious house guest; this is an SS flippantly doing what she wants in someone else's home.  I'd be just as angry as the OP.

Pod.

I agree.  I am really having a hard time understanding how anyone could see this as not rude.

Same here! This would never have flown in my household. I think both daugther and friend were very rude, sleepover or no sleepover.