My daughter's houseguest is rude !

[sammycat]

I definitely think it is rude for a house guest to order food without even speaking to the host.  A simple "would you mind if we ordered pizza?  I will pay of course" would have gone a LONG way.  I think it's double rude that she didn't offer you or your other DD any.  Sorry but you don't order food for half the house and not the rest, especially when you are a GUEST and enjoying the hospitality of the home.  Triple rude that she knew you were making dinner for her and just let you continue working on dinner!  The girls ages mitigate it slightly, but not much.  I vote very rude.  I am kind of shocked that people think this is normal.  I have entertained guests many times and have never had any of them order food while I was in the middle of making them dinner.  I really can't imagine that being anything other than very rude.

When I was a teen, even if it was my friend who invited me over for the sleepover I still saw their parents as the hosts because they own the house/pay the rent, and were the adults who had okay'd the sleep over in the first place. 

Both of these, and as the OP's daughter is living with her mother and is 17, she is not the host.  This is the OP's house, thus her house, her rules.  This is not a gracious house guest; this is an SS flippantly doing what she wants in someone else's home.  I'd be just as angry as the OP.

I agree with all of these.  I'm gobsmacked at both the girls' actions and attitudes, and those posters who think this is ok.

I've been involved with plenty of sleepovers, both when I was a teen, and now as mother of a teen.  I have never, ever, come across this scenario, and if I did, would consider it extremely rude on the part of the teens involved.  Actually I'd be very annoyed at any guest who did this, regardless of age.

[Audrey Quest]

I dont't view the 18 yr old as your guest bit as your DD's guest.  I understand that its your home but primarily, socially, she is your daughhter's guest.  She is there to spend time and socialize with your daughter and not with you.

So, really, its your daughter's fault completly.  Your daughter is the one who did not talk to you.

i would expect that once "kids" are 17 and 18 that they probably wouldn't want to eat with the ret of the family during a sleepover and it was your own assumption that they would do so.

Not only did your DD not talk to you and tell you that her guest did not want to join the fmaily for dinner but you did not delve deeper for an answer when you told them what dinner would be and got no reply.

As far as teaching your daughter manners, she's 17, she probably does get it.

If I could guess I would say that the reason she did not tell you they were going to order a pizza instead of sitting with you for dinner it was because she knew she would get an earful about it  because you just don't like the friend and she knows that.

[Roe]

The friend was rude.  No one brings food into my home *just for themselves.*  They either share with everyone or they don't do it.  It's rude.  That's a lesson I learned early on.  You either share or you take it elsewhere. 

[*inviteseller]

I dont't view the 18 yr old as your guest bit as your DD's guest.  I understand that its your home but primarily, socially, she is your daughhter's guest.  She is there to spend time and socialize with your daughter and not with you.

So, really, its your daughter's fault completly.  Your daughter is the one who did not talk to you.

i would expect that once "kids" are 17 and 18 that they probably wouldn't want to eat with the ret of the family during a sleepover and it was your own assumption that they would do so.

Not only did your DD not talk to you and tell you that her guest did not want to join the fmaily for dinner but you did not delve deeper for an answer when you told them what dinner would be and got no reply.

As far as teaching your daughter manners, she's 17, she probably does get it.

If I could guess I would say that the reason she did not tell you they were going to order a pizza instead of sitting with you for dinner it was because she knew she would get an earful about it  because you just don't like the friend and she knows that.

My daughter did not know about the pizza party for 2 until the girl decided to call, but yes, she should have told me but she was not the one who made the decision, because she knew I was making dinner and I am a bit upset she couldn't have said something.  But I still put am sending the friend a little deeper into ehell for assuming that you go into a house you have been invited to (and again, I was the one who verbally invited her) and know food is going to be set out for you (not a formal meal, and I would not have cared if they took theirs to her room) and to to make the decision that my hospitality was not good enough and she wanted to change the plans without a word to me.  If they had told me they were ordering food I would not have wasted time and food making enough for 4 and just had dinner with my younger DD (who btw, was upset because she couldn't understand why they would have a 'pizza party' by themselves).  And my DD knows I will NOT say anything in front of company concerning rude behavior and honestly, my daughter has absolutely NO clue about my true feelings for her friend, other than she cannot live with her and the other kid until she turns 18 simply because she is underage.  I don't think I made any assumptions about their meal plans nor should I have to delve deeper as to what they wanted for their dinner plans..this is my house, not a diner and, as so many posters have said, they are adults/almost adults so when I said it was Taco Night, both could have said something, especially the one who went up to my DD's room and made the decision she wanted to order out for them instead.  Again, I am not absolving my daughter because she could have walked downstairs and notified me, but because she has never had someone just turn aside my hospitality before, I think she was clueless as to what to do.  And knowing this girls mother, she would be mortified that her daughter had done that.  My DD has spent time at her families house and I have been told that she is always a gracious guess, so I guess something got though 

[*inviteseller]

O.K., I was just informed that friend has decided to spend another night    Kitchen is closed ! (No, I did not ok this yet...need to pull the DD aside and try to have a conversation that does not begin with What The Hell!)

[DistantStar]

I would ask your daughter to let you know if she is ordering food/going out/doing something different for meals in the future - I don't think ordering pizza in itself was rude, but I do think not letting you know so you didn't fix more food than you needed was.

[sammycat]

I think the age of the girls is almost a red herring here. Any guest and/or other occupant of the house ordering their own food, when they know full well that the home owner/host is in the middle of cooking them a meal, and then not even offering said person some of the food, is rude.

IMO, it's no different to a husband and his friend ordering pizza when he/they know the wife is in the kitchen preparing them dinner, and not even bothering to discuss it with the wife first. It's rude and disrespectful.

[BarensMom]

Whoa, wait just a minute here - you were "just informed" that DD's guest is staying another night?  No asking permission or even communication between yourself and the guest?  "Just informed?"  If this were me (and it's not), the only answer would be "that won't be possible"   aka "H*** NO!"

[*inviteseller]

Whoa, wait just a minute here - you were "just informed" that DD's guest is staying another night?  No asking permission or even communication between yourself and the guest?  "Just informed?"  If this were me (and it's not), the only answer would be "that won't be possible"   aka "H*** NO!"

I am waiting a bit to approach this so I don't blow up, but no, it is not happening.  The plan was Friday night, out by Saturday late afternoon/early evening.  We have family plans for tomorrow for an outing with various family members and this girl is not invited.  From the little I have gleaned before I had to walk away and take a deep breath or two (or 30) is the girl  decided not to tell her ride back (a little over an hour away) that she was staying til Sunday and my daughter just found this out because she thought she was gonna go to an early movie with her and ride before she left tonight.  I am getting light headed from all the deep breaths I am taking to keep from blowing up.  I am gonna go out on a limb and guess that this girl thinks "I live on my own so parent rules no longer apply to me."  She is sadly mistaken, because she will be leaving.  And, I don't drive or I would have loaded her inconsiderate self in the car and taken her back last night...with her darn pizza !

[Mikayla]

From the little I have gleaned before I had to walk away and take a deep breath or two (or 30) is the girl  decided not to tell her ride back (a little over an hour away) that she was staying til Sunday and my daughter just found this out because she thought she was gonna go to an early movie with her and ride before she left tonight.  I am getting light headed from all the deep breaths I am taking to keep from blowing up. I am gonna go out on a limb and guess that this girl thinks "I live on my own so parent rules no longer apply to me."  She is sadly mistaken, because she will be leaving.  And, I don't drive or I would have loaded her inconsiderate self in the car and taken her back last night...with her darn pizza !

So you haven't addressed it yet because you don't want to blow up?  I guess I don't understand the need to take all these deep breaths when a simple "no, that won't be possible" would have ended it.  Also, why didn't your daughter tell her immediately that this wouldn't work?  I almost wonder if I'm missing something, because it sounds like this girl has both of you tied in knots.

I think you're probably correct about her thought process that she's not subject to parental rules, but that doesn't change *your* rights to run your home the way you want.  It's basic "my house, my rules".

[Audrey Quest]

You keep saying that you invited the girl for the sleepover.  But, its your daughter's sleepover.  You obviously do not like the friend at all.  And even if the invitation came from you, ots really your daughter who is hosting her because of their age.

I think you are making  a big mistake by blaming this all on the friend and continuing down a  path of indignation (saying how you meed to wait to approach things so you don't blow up).

This is not hte behavior of someone who is in charge of the situation.

I can inderstand why the friend would feel uncomfortable accepting your hospitality at the dinner table.  You say that she has no idea how you feel aboit her, but I really doubt that is the case.

[miranova]

A 17 year old does not have the authority, unless explicitely given to her by her parents, to offer to host someone for an additional night.  It might be her guest socially, but it is not her right to decide when to host.  That is FULLY the OP's right, and she has every reason to be irritated that neither of the girls think they need to run this by her first.  If it were me, I would no longer care if the girl could "sense" that I didn't like her.  I would be ok with her sensing that because it would be true. She is rude and is showing zero respect for the owner of the home she is staying in.  Yes, OP's daughter is contributing to the rudeness but OP can't really speak to her about this while her friend is still there.  Friend needs to go, and OP needs to have a conversation with her daughter about house rules and polite behavior.

[KenveeB]

Honestly, I think it sounds like you just hate this friend so much that you're determined to blame her for everything. But the pizza problem was your daughter's error. If I'm visiting with a friend and we decide to order pizza, then I'm going to assume it's okay. If we're expected to join the family for dinner, then I'd expect my friend would say that. I don't know all of your house rules, but I know my friend does and I'd assume on a mutual thing like deciding to order pizza for dinner she wouldn't violate all her own house rules without mentioning it. So if you have a problem, take it up with your daughter, and quit trying to absolve her of the blame because it's obviously Friend who's just a bad influence.

[Sharnita]

Itend to agree, especially since dd said to OP that she thought it would be OK.  It seems very possible that she is giving the friend the go ahead on some or all of this.

[*inviteseller]

O.K. Audrey, maybe she is not rude, and maybe she does know that I am uncomfortable with the level of influence she has on my daughter.  But, I have still invited her, I have been nice, speaking with her, asking about her new job, ect, so maybe she needs to be a bit more respectful to the person who runs the house instead of possibly thinking "this woman doesn't like me, so I am not making any effort what so ever to change her mind about me, instead I am just going to show her that I will do what ever I feel like".  That is not working towards a compromise, to which I have done by not telling her she is not welcome to come over or be around my family.  And Mikayla, I agree I should have said something right away, but as I was a bit blindsided I wanted to make sure I had the right words.  Again, there has been issues, and with advice from some professionals the last few weeks who work with my DD, I am being careful to state my position and give no wiggle room for my rules without making anyone into the bad guy.  Fine line to walk.  And for all giving my DD all the blame, yes, she is making some unacceptable judgement calls, but the problem I (and some others) are having with this friendship is the friend calling all the shots and my daughter just letting her (yes, we are working on that) but this girl decided she did not want what I offered (ok if you tell me) and has decided to tell her ride not to come until Sunday (which was done before she came to my house) and my daughter is now stuck between her supposed BFF and the rules and plans of the house.  I did talk to DD by herself and said that girl is out tonight and there would be no arguing and if she didn't tell her, I would  and I am no longer feeling like the hostess with the mostess.  This girl is mistaking my kindness and hospitality for a door mat and I will not tolerate it.  I think I am just flabbergasted by a child (yeah she's 18 but to me she is still a child) acting so rudely in someones home.  I have not always been overly fond of all my daughter's other friends but at least they were good guests and showed the manners they were taught by their parents when they were in my house.  And to the posters who seem to think I have hatred coming out of my pores, I have made sure that no one other than my sister and E hellionions know how I feel, including my own DD. 

Itend to agree, especially since dd said to OP that she thought it would be OK.  It seems very possible that she is giving the friend the go ahead on some or all of this.

she didn't as much give the go ahead as she just did not say ' wait, let's tell my mom"  or 'hey remember my mom is making something" when friend told her that she wanted a meal for just the two of them and ordered.  My DD will.not.stand.up for herself or for what she knows is right for fear of alienating friend.  She just let it happen and hoped for the best.