How announcements of "big news" on facebook can happen

[Deetee]

I know several people have posted about how they find out about big news on facebook to do with family members and it bothers them. I decided I would share my story from the other end.

My husband applied for a promotion at his job. For what it's worth, I won't hide the type of job as I often find that makes things a bit confusing. This was an application for tenure at his university. Essentially, after working for 5 years you apply and if it is granted you have a job for life, if it is denied, you pack your bags and leave.

So getting tenure is a big, big deal, but my husband has done well and it was expected that he would succeed. The whole process actually takes a long time. So timelime (approximate as I have forgotten all the details)

September-submit application, application forwarded to external examiners
October-external examiner's reports come in with reccomendations
November-department committee reviews and submits to Chair of department
November-Chair submits reccomendation to faculty
December-Faculty commitee reviews and submits reccomendation to Dean
January-Dean reviews and submits reccomendation to Senate
Febuary-Senate reviews and submits reccomendation to President
Febuary-President approves and the appointment is set
July-Official promotion.

Anyhow, there are a lot of stages, but once the department approval is in, there is a 90% chance at least of it making through the rest of the processes. So basically, we have known that he was going to get this (barring diasaster) for months. The more approvals, the less chance something odd would happen to stop it.

Yesterday, he got the email from the president with approval. It was a complete non-event to him. He thought it was email about another project, read it and ignored it to get back to work on important things. He came home and didn't even mention it until my parents asked in passing and then he said "Oh yeah, I got the final approval today".

So anyhow, I asked later if I could post it on facebook (he isn't on facebook, but we share a lot of friends who would like to know) and he frowned and re-read the email to make sure that this was the final FINAL final approval and then asked me to post it.

So I posted and lots of people said congrats and all was good, but then today I got calls from both his parents who (though they didn't say so) were a little upset and wanted to congratulate him in person on his BIG news.

It wasn't till they called that I realised that this was Big News! It had dribbled on for so long that while it was nice to get the official stamp, it wasn't really news anymore to us.

[Roe]

I can see how his parents might've been a bit hurt not to hear about it personally.  I hope your DH called them to share his news in a more appropriate way. 

[JenJay]

Congrats to your husband!!

[Deetee]

I can see how his parents might've been a bit hurt not to hear about it personally.  I hope your DH called them to share his news in a more appropriate way.

Nope, he hasn't. I have actually spoken to his mom twice today and his dad once. He really doesn't see it as a big deal (as I told both his parents to help them understand that he wasn't specifically not calling them, he just didn't see that it was something worth calling about. Like I said, he didn't tell ME and he didn't even really read the email when he got it).

Now, I think he should call them because it is clear it is a big deal to them, but I can only tell an adult so many times...

...OK I just called him at work. I am going to pick him up and he will call his parents when he gets home.

[sparksals]

I can see how his parents might've been a bit hurt not to hear about it personally.  I hope your DH called them to share his news in a more appropriate way.

Nope, he hasn't. I have actually spoken to his mom twice today and his dad once. He really doesn't see it as a big deal (as I told both his parents to help them understand that he wasn't specifically not calling them, he just didn't see that it was something worth calling about. Like I said, he didn't tell ME and he didn't even really read the email when he got it).

Now, I think he should call them because it is clear it is a big deal to them, but I can only tell an adult so many times...

...OK I just called him at work. I am going to pick him up and he will call his parents when he gets home.

I completely disagree with Roe.  This has been going on for a long time.  I assume his parents knew he was in the running and it was a long process. 

If it is not considered important news to him, then his parents have no right to be upset.  It sounds very self absorbed they are upset when it is just not a big deal to him.  How is he to know what is important to divulge to them?

FB is an outlet that most people use.  It is common to share such info on this medium.  If they wanted to know privately, they should have communicated to him.

They key is, it is not a big deal to him.  This is not announcing a pending birth or death. It is a job promotion.  His parents don't have carte blanche on all happy news.   

[Deetee]

I feel I should clarify a couple things. His parents weren't upset (in any mad/sad/way), but it was obvious that they wanted to talk to their son and say how proud they were and share the moment a bit. And while I realise it might sound like an excessive amount of phoning on their behalf, they are divorced so it was one or two calls each.

His parents are nice people and just wanted talk to their son. Even though we have known for while that this is 99% certain, this was obviously more of a "thing" to them and neither of us really thought about that. I get why they wanted to talk to him. My husband, on the other hand, just doesn't consider that this might matter to them.

He has now called his mom and will call his dad later tonight (mainly because I told him he had to as they CARE and WANT to talk to him-he sorta shrugged and agreed that they might, but I really don't think he gets why) 

[sparksals]

I think yours is a great example of differing expectations.  I can see why they want to talk to their son to congratulate him, but I don't think you have to refrain from posting good news before you speak to them.  It is your news to share.  Share it however you choose!

We recently had an incident with MIL.  DH is not that close with his mom or family.  We took a trip to Europe this past Fall with some other extended family - DH's cousins and their spouses, MIL's Niece/nephew and ILs.   

We found out that MIL was pissed she was not told we were going to Europe.  Keep in mind, dh has never communicated these things with her, but suddenly to her, it is a problem.  Perhaps she was upset to hear about it from Dh's cousin/her niece and was embarrassed she did not know.  It never occurred to us to notify her of such a thing.  We never have before and she hasn't filled us in on her travels either. 

It culminated in some very unnecessary drama and overreactions on her part where she blabbed to family members how insensitive DH was, yet did not communicate to him. He has never reported to her in the past, he is stunned she suddenly expects it now. 

[AnnaJ]

I think part of the problem is that most people outside of academia know that tenure is a big deal but don't understand the process.  As you said, there are a lot of 'milestones' in applying for and achieving tenure - I was relieved when my committee was formed (yea! people who I meshed with), when I got my binders submitted, when I got the unofficial notice...honestly, by the time I was officially notified I was out of excitement.  One of my colleagues refused to celebrate until he signed his new contract that July.

His parents didn't live all of that, but you and your husband did, so I get both sides.  It would have been nice if your husband had called his parents before you posted, but it doesn't sound like anyone is upset  .  Maybe you could push him toward the phone in the future when he has big news - before you post - but it's up to him to do it.

[Nuala]

I got calls from both his parents who (though they didn't say so) were a little upset and wanted to congratulate him in person on his BIG news.

Then why are they calling you instead of him?

[Deetee]

I got calls from both his parents who (though they didn't say so) were a little upset and wanted to congratulate him in person on his BIG news.

Then why are they calling you instead of him?

Because we have a home phone and I was home and he was not.

I want to be very clear that his parents are very nice and not boundary stompers. I've tried to say that throughout. They were just much more excited about this than he was.

[Hmmmmm]

I feel I should clarify a couple things. His parents weren't upset (in any mad/sad/way), but it was obvious that they wanted to talk to their son and say how proud they were and share the moment a bit. And while I realise it might sound like an excessive amount of phoning on their behalf, they are divorced so it was one or two calls each.

His parents are nice people and just wanted talk to their son. Even though we have known for while that this is 99% certain, this was obviously more of a "thing" to them and neither of us really thought about that. I get why they wanted to talk to him. My husband, on the other hand, just doesn't consider that this might matter to them.

He has now called his mom and will call his dad later tonight (mainly because I told him he had to as they CARE and WANT to talk to him-he sorta shrugged and agreed that they might, but I really don't think he gets why)

I think it was a big enough deal to you that you thought "Hey, this is great news, let me post on Facebook so all our friends and family were aware."

If a family's normal communication method is Facebook or email then communicating big news is fine that way. But since your DH doesn't have a Facebook account it is obviously not the normal method he uses to communicate with his parents. So in fact he chose to not communicate the good news to his parents at all.  I can understand why they would want to talk with him directly. 

[mbbored]

I can relate to this. I post on Facebook every day and my mother writes down all my posts on a piece of paper and saves them all up for when I talk to her on the phone, wanting to go through them one by one. If something is a big deal, I'll call her and tell her on the phone, but not everything I post is of that level of importance. It's somewhat frustrating that she ascribes this high level of importance to everything on Facebook when really it's not.