Author Topic: Social Q's -- When a friend signs up under your name to benefit you  (Read 3162 times)

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wellisawstar

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First letter: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/02/17/fashion/worth-your-weight-in-gold-social-qs.html?src=rechp&_r=0&gwh=8CA4AE738FFB66FC94A664DA10CD0553

I don't really know what to say about this, but my gut reaction is that Philip Galanes is wrong about the etiquette of this type of transaction. What is the proper way to handle this?

siamesecat2965

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Re: Social Q's -- When a friend signs up under your name to benefit you
« Reply #1 on: February 17, 2013, 08:38:35 AM »
First letter: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/02/17/fashion/worth-your-weight-in-gold-social-qs.html?src=rechp&_r=0&gwh=8CA4AE738FFB66FC94A664DA10CD0553

I don't really know what to say about this, but my gut reaction is that Philip Galanes is wrong about the etiquette of this type of transaction. What is the proper way to handle this?

I also don't agree. I've done the referral thing too; but it would never occur to me ask my friend that referred me to any type of business for "my cut" If my friend gets an extra month at the gym, or a free service at the salon, so be it.

I also refer people to various business, and am happy they too can take advantage of one I like and trust, such as my mechanic. I've sent him a bunch of business. while I don't get anything monetary in return, they do take good care of me, and my car.

taxing

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Re: Social Q's -- When a friend signs up under your name to benefit you
« Reply #2 on: February 17, 2013, 09:38:04 AM »
The friend is petty, for sure.

I also thought the response to the last letter was wrong too.

Tilt Fairy

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Re: Social Q's -- When a friend signs up under your name to benefit you
« Reply #3 on: February 17, 2013, 09:59:39 AM »
Wow. I too thought the response was really wrong.

Thipu1

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Re: Social Q's -- When a friend signs up under your name to benefit you
« Reply #4 on: February 17, 2013, 10:05:15 AM »
As a regular reader of this column, I think Galanes was trying to show how petty the friend's demand is.  He's often a bit tongue-in-cheek.

I also agree that the answer to the last letter was a little off.

Winterlight

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Re: Social Q's -- When a friend signs up under your name to benefit you
« Reply #5 on: February 17, 2013, 10:24:39 AM »
I think friend sounds really petty.
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WillyNilly

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Re: Social Q's -- When a friend signs up under your name to benefit you
« Reply #6 on: February 17, 2013, 10:43:26 AM »
I don't know... yes its petty to ask for a cut of the benefit, but I think $500 is a low estimate on an anual gym membership (DH pays $750 a year, my stepmom pays $1k annually), so its a good deal for passively sitting around asking someone to just mention your name. Its not like LW did something, like talk up his gym, take the friend for a trial day, etc to earn to bonus. So what's the big deal handing the guy a twenty, or doing some nice small gesture for him (I wuld have countered the first "spilt it with me" with "how about I take you to lunch")?

I use a reservation service (opentable.com) and dine out with friends often. I have asked many times if I can make the reservations so I can get the points... and I make sure to use my gift certs from those points with the people I dine out with most.

Morticia

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Re: Social Q's -- When a friend signs up under your name to benefit you
« Reply #7 on: February 17, 2013, 12:29:41 PM »
So wrong and petty. I recently got an email from a friend forwarding something from a group buy site. I didn't want it, but I clicked on a link to see what else they had and found something I wanted very much. When I noticed she could get site credit for my purchase, I had her refer it to me.  My purchase was expensive, so it was a fair credit.  It is her credit, for her to buy stuff for her. 
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wellisawstar

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Re: Social Q's -- When a friend signs up under your name to benefit you
« Reply #8 on: February 17, 2013, 03:04:28 PM »
I guess I just think that part of being a friend is doing nice things for each other. This nice thing didn't cost the friend a thing.

When we were about to make a registry at a certain store for our wedding, a friend whose wedding we had just attended asked if we could put her name in the referral section of our form. We did, and she got a gift certificate that helped her buy another item on her registry. I have never had any qualms about it -- she's my friend, and I want to help.

MariaE

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Re: Social Q's -- When a friend signs up under your name to benefit you
« Reply #9 on: February 17, 2013, 03:20:07 PM »
I guess I just think that part of being a friend is doing nice things for each other. This nice thing didn't cost the friend a thing.

When we were about to make a registry at a certain store for our wedding, a friend whose wedding we had just attended asked if we could put her name in the referral section of our form. We did, and she got a gift certificate that helped her buy another item on her registry. I have never had any qualms about it -- she's my friend, and I want to help.

This is where I come down as well.

We have a rewards system at work where we get a nice reward if we refer somebody to come work for us and they stay for at least three months. I'd think a lot less of somebody who'd ask for a cut.
 
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Captain Hastings

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Re: Social Q's -- When a friend signs up under your name to benefit you
« Reply #10 on: February 17, 2013, 07:59:13 PM »
The friend is petty, for sure.

I also thought the response to the last letter was wrong too.

Do you mean the one about using the restroom marked for the opposite sex? I do that all the time (only in single occupancy cases.)

A toilet is a toilet is a toilet. *shrug*

LazyDaisy

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Re: Social Q's -- When a friend signs up under your name to benefit you
« Reply #11 on: February 17, 2013, 08:19:08 PM »
I think I agree with Galanes response actually: "Your pal might just as easily have rolled his eyes when you asked to take credit for his joining. What’s sauce for the penny-pinching goose is sauce for the opportunity-seeking gander."

Maybe demanding "a cut" isn't really the most polite way of putting it, but LW demanded a favor and then is put out that the Friend asks for a gesture of thanks in return for doing it. Yes, we do things for our friends because we like them, but we have multitudes of stories on this site of people who feel like they are taken advantage of for their generosity when their "friends" skip merrily away with the benefit without any thought of returning the favor. I wonder if LW has a habit of asking for favors but no history of giving them and the Friend was bold enough to let him know upfront there was an expectation of reciprocity. LW meet the clue-by-four.
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sweetonsno

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Re: Social Q's -- When a friend signs up under your name to benefit you
« Reply #12 on: February 17, 2013, 09:17:03 PM »
I think they were both pretty tacky, myself. The LW didn't actually refer her friend to the gym and was essentially asking her buddy to help her scam the gym. The point of referral rewards is to bring in new customers who wouldn't otherwise be going to the venue. If a potential customer has arrived at that decision on his or her own, then the friend has not provided a referral.

This is somewhat analogous to lying to the waitress about it being someone's birthday so he gets a free sundae. While it's not as sinister as taking advantage of a person, you are using deception to get a benefit from an entity that would not be giving it to you without that deception. While I do believe that people should give gifts with no strings attached, I also believe it's wrong to solicit them. I don't really see this as retaliatory rudeness, but I do think the LW is kind of calling the kettle black. Furthermore, LW's friend told her up-front that he wanted to share the benefits. She should have redacted her request at that point if she didn't like it.

Now, if the LW had actually suggested that her friend join the gym (arranged for a trial membership, brought her in as a guest, etc), I would believe that she was entitled to the benefit. However, she technically didn't do anything to deserve/earn a free month.

katycoo

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Re: Social Q's -- When a friend signs up under your name to benefit you
« Reply #13 on: February 17, 2013, 09:27:23 PM »
I think they were both pretty tacky, myself. The LW didn't actually refer her friend to the gym and was essentially asking her buddy to help her scam the gym. The point of referral rewards is to bring in new customers who wouldn't otherwise be going to the venue. If a potential customer has arrived at that decision on his or her own, then the friend has not provided a referral.

This is somewhat analogous to lying to the waitress about it being someone's birthday so he gets a free sundae. While it's not as sinister as taking advantage of a person, you are using deception to get a benefit from an entity that would not be giving it to you without that deception. While I do believe that people should give gifts with no strings attached, I also believe it's wrong to solicit them. I don't really see this as retaliatory rudeness, but I do think the LW is kind of calling the kettle black. Furthermore, LW's friend told her up-front that he wanted to share the benefits. She should have redacted her request at that point if she didn't like it.

Now, if the LW had actually suggested that her friend join the gym (arranged for a trial membership, brought her in as a guest, etc), I would believe that she was entitled to the benefit. However, she technically didn't do anything to deserve/earn a free month.

I don't think your analogy is quite right.  I think its like two people going for dinner to celebrate a birthday.  The resturant offers a free sundae to the birthday boy, but this is not why the resturant was picked.  Birthday Boy does not want his sudae, but non-birthday boy does and asks Birthday Boy to claim it so non-Birthday Boy can eat it. 

The resturant doesn't lose out any more than it would have if the freebie had been given in the intended style, but there's no deception.  You make out like the member is giving his name to every stranger who walks in on the off chance they'll use it as a referral.

Regardsless, i think the advice is wrong.  I wouldn't pay.  I also wouldn't think much of someone who was so petty to expect so.

snowdragon

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Re: Social Q's -- When a friend signs up under your name to benefit you
« Reply #14 on: February 17, 2013, 11:01:07 PM »
I don't know... yes its petty to ask for a cut of the benefit, but I think $500 is a low estimate on an anual gym membership (DH pays $750 a year, my stepmom pays $1k annually), so its a good deal for passively sitting around asking someone to just mention your name. Its not like LW did something, like talk up his gym, take the friend for a trial day, etc to earn to bonus. So what's the big deal handing the guy a twenty, or doing some nice small gesture for him (I wuld have countered the first "spilt it with me" with "how about I take you to lunch")?

I use a reservation service (opentable.com) and dine out with friends often. I have asked many times if I can make the reservations so I can get the points... and I make sure to use my gift certs from those points with the people I dine out with most.

 My Y charges $570 for a single adult so he's not that far off in my experience.  But that aside,  I think it's ridiculous to either ask someone to sign up under your name or to share the prize if you do.