Grandparents Giftgrab/shower

[snowdragon]

   I received an invite for a shower for people from my mother's church for a grandparents shower.  It was not even mailed but handed to my mom to give to me.  I don't think I ever met these people, much less the daughter who had the baby. The baby lives in NYC and visits from time to time. Included in the invite was the grandparent's registry info, so being curious I took a look.
 Nothing on that list was under $50.00 and most things were well over $100. There were things like an entire bedroom set with convertible crib/bed combo two dressers, dressing table, ect a travel system and a jogging stroller, it really seems like the expect the church to outfit them to host this kid in style.
   Honestly I find it rude to invite folks you don't know to a gift giving event...but to present them with a registry like this?  I am of course not going, but mom is under the impression that since I was invited - I have to send a gift.
    I disagree.  Does an invite mean you have to buy something for something like this?

[NyaChan]

No way.  Was the invitation even addressed to you?  I wonder if they just got a whole bunch and have been handing them out to people, or if your mom was just told "Oh you should bring your daughter snowdragon - here's an invitation!"  You do not need to send a gift, just decline if there is a RSVP notation.  You don't know them and what's more, they are the grandparents, it isn't even going to the parents/child.

[yokozbornak]

No way would I send a gift especially since you barely know these people. That's ridiculous. 

I think the grandparent shower thing is weird.  My DH's work has had a few (many of the workers have been there for years and they like an excuse to have a party), but they usually chip in a few dollars to buy something like a carseat or give a onesie that says "World's Best Grandma."  The idea of an expensive and extensive registry just boggles my mind.

[Drunken Housewife]

Your mom is incorrect.  Etiquette cannot require that someone has to buy a nice present for strangers because a third party handed them an invitation.  First, there is not a rule that getting invited means you MUST send a gift.  Even if there were, you weren't even directly invited by the hosts.  They don't even know you well enough to mail the invitation to you or even hand it to you. 

[Sharnita]

I have been to grandma showers and don't mind them.  They are usually pretty small and mellow. Of course the ones I've attended have only had guests/honorees who all knew each other.  The price ranges of gifts tended to vary.  If grandma was going to be hosting overnight or at naptime guests might chip in for a pack and play or they might get a carseat.  On the other end a bib or two might also be perfectly reasonable.

I do know some granma's who have had grandcholdren living with them because a parent was deployed, others who provided daily care while parents were working, etc.  I think knowing the role the grandparents might play in the lives of the child might explain the decision to have a shower.

[JenJay]

What the heck? That's nuts! I can think of a few occasions where a grandparent shower is appropriate but this doesn't sound like one of them and certainly not to that scale!

No you don't have to send a gift and your Mom doesn't have to either, just because they attend the same church. I wouldn't even send a card since you don't know any of the people involved and the host didn't even bother to personally invite you.

[Deetee]

Your mom is totally, utterly wrong. An invitation is not a summons, nor is it an invoice. A card expressing your congratulations and reqrets that you cannot attend is more than sufficient.

(And I have nothing against a grandparent shower personally. In my social network, with mainly retired grandparents, I feel that sort of party makes more sense for them than for the parents. I have never had a shower-I just find the whole concept a bit not for me-, but seemed to recieve an awful lot of gifts anyhow for baby one and they are rolling in for baby two now)

[Tiamet]

The only time I would feel obligated to send a gift in this situation would be if I would have attended if not for outside forces.

In this case, not even knowing the people involved, all that is required is a polite refusal of the invitation.

Sadly, your mother's belief is why a lot of people scattergun their invitations - they think the person won't come but has to send a present.  More loot! 

This may or may not be why you got this invitation - it may be that they were trying to be inclusive or it may be a gift grab.

 

[Redneck Gravy]

Pod previous posters...an invitation is neither a summons nor a check request.

And this whole grandparents shower is another gimmegrab that is getting out of hand IMO.

Yes an extra car seat or portacrib would be nice - but really, do you need an entire stocked and furnished nursery 

[Lynn2000]

Agree... invitation does not equal gift, or attendance. Feel free to ignore, unless there's an RSVP notice, in which case you can RSVP no.

Not sure how I feel about grandparent showers... With showers there's such a fine line between the guest of honor wanting it, and other people really wanting to throw it. If a grandparent was going to unexpectedly be taking on primary care of a grandchild due to some unfortunate circumstance, I could see the grandparent's friends maybe getting together and saying, "Let's cheer Betty up by having a little party for her and getting her a couple of baby things." In which case, no one who isn't close enough to know the entire backstory should be invited. Or maybe, as a PP said, "any excuse for a party" with a cake and a couple of onesies as gifts, no big deal really.

But inviting a large number of people who don't even know the guest of honor, and providing a registry of expensive items only (which suggests the level of expectations the GOH has), is rather dodgy.

[Quiltin Nana]

Well, I guess I did it wrong.  When my DD and my DIL were both expecting about 3 weeks apart, I didn't even think of a grandparent's shower.  I went out and bought my own pack n play, high chair, and car seat.  That way they didn't have to drag the larger items around when the baby came for an overnight stay. 

We even got the old crib back down from the attic and I bought a new mattress when they outgrew the pack n play. 

And I agree with Redneck Gravy, this is just another giftgrab. 

[BeagleMommy]

OP, you received this invitation third-hand from a person you barely know to a party where the guest of honor is someone you've never met.  You are not required to send a gift.  I think you should just politely decline the invitation.

When DH and I lived out of state DS spent time with his grandparents every summer.  One week with my parents and one week with ILs.  We would drive him to my parents and drop off the pack and play and his car seat.  My mother purchased a high chair on her own.  After their week, Mom would take DS up to the ILs with the pack and play and car seat.  MIL also purchased a high chair.

[peaches]

When my daughter was pregnant, I lived in fear of anyone suggesting a grandparents' shower. I would have politely declined.

I think they are really silly and unnecessary. They give showers that are legitimate (wedding showers and first baby showers) a bad name. 

This is one trend I'd like to see die a quick death. (I've never been invited to one, so perhaps it isn't a trend at all.)

[cheyne]

To answer the etiquette question:  No you do not have to send a gift.  You do not have to send a card.  All you have to do is RSVP in the negative and you're done.

Grandparent showers?  This is a sign of our entitlement society.  If the grandparents need a carseat or a pack-n-play they have several months to save for it, and neither should be needed by the grandparents immediately after the birth anyway.  *Unless the grandparents are raising the child or doing all childcare beginning immediately after the birth*

I think a tea, BBQ or kegger is more appropriate for the soon-to-be grandparents to celebrate with friends/co-workers/whomever.  Since when is becoming a grandparent a gift giving occasion?

[Lynn2000]

Since when is becoming a grandparent a gift giving occasion?

And the thing that really bothers me is... I probably would get a new grandparent a little gift, all on my own. Or treat them to lunch or something celebratory like that. But when someone organizes something and calls it a THING and brings group social pressure to bear on getting someone a gift, I start to resent that, and I don't feel like getting them anything anymore. It becomes more of an obligation than an expression of joy. Maybe that is just persnickety on my part...?