Grandparents Giftgrab/shower

[Sharnita]

Acually, I am saying that most granparent showers are not for people like those in the OP.  They are planned/thrown by friends and are pretty lowkey.  There is not an expectation of high cost items or a sense of entitlement.  It is usually a group of people who are happy about a new baby and the movement to status of "grandparent".

[gramma dishes]

  ...   The baby lives in NYC and visits from time to time. ...

If said baby would only be visiting "from time to time" (let's say three times a year) the ONLY thing the Grandparents would need would be something for the baby to sleep in.  A Pack n Play will do fine for that and if you get a fancy one it can even include a changing table.  They will work until the child is around two or so. 

The only other thing the child will need is some sort of high chair.  Preferably one that can be stored away for the other 355 days a year the child isn't present in the house.  They may find it easier to borrow one from another grandparent or a family who isn't currently using theirs, but isn't quite ready to sell it or give it away yet 'just in case'.  They can also be rented for a nominal fee, but really buying a simple one is cheaper even if you only use it a few times a year.

If the family travels by car, they will have a car seat appropriate to the age and size of the baby/child with them.

So get a few toys to entertain the child at your (Grandma and Grandpa's) house, add a box of appropriately sized disposable diapers, and you're good to go. 

All of the things I mentioned could certainly be bought for far less than the cost of throwing a shower and all (except the Pampers) could be reused for any and all subsequent grandchildren as well.

So no, Grandparent showers on this grand scale are embarrassingly ridiculous.

[Sharnita]

Yeah, a grand scale would defintiely be off, as would all items above $50.  I think a couple of board books, maybe a few toys that  can age up for a year or even two.  The Pack and Play would be good, maybe a few kiddie dishes and cups. ANd I definitely don't see strangers coming.  If somebody suggested it I think I'd just say "Oh, OP isn't available"

[Twik]

I have been to grandma showers and don't mind them.  They are usually pretty small and mellow. Of course the ones I've attended have only had guests/honorees who all knew each other.  The price ranges of gifts tended to vary.  If grandma was going to be hosting overnight or at naptime guests might chip in for a pack and play or they might get a carseat.  On the other end a bib or two might also be perfectly reasonable.

I do know some granma's who have had grandcholdren living with them because a parent was deployed, others who provided daily care while parents were working, etc.  I think knowing the role the grandparents might play in the lives of the child might explain the decision to have a shower.

It might explain why the grandparents want to buy themselves things to provide care. It is not a reason why they should expect others to provide those things for them.

The excuse for showers for parents is that they are, quite often, young people without a lot of resources. This is not a reason to provide (presumably) established older adults with free stuff.

Twik, who says grandparents expect anything?  Every time I have seen a grandparent shower it is because friends got together and wanted to give them something (and to have a party).

Well, when their friends say, "Let's have a shower," (and I hope it's the friends bringing it up), when the grandparents say "Sure!" they start to "expect something".

When they create a registry, they "expect something".

People who really don't expect something say, "Oh, I'd love to have a get-together, but please, not a shower. We don't need anything." If their friends still get them something anyway? Then they didn't expect it.

[Aeris]

I have been to grandma showers and don't mind them.  They are usually pretty small and mellow. Of course the ones I've attended have only had guests/honorees who all knew each other.  The price ranges of gifts tended to vary.  If grandma was going to be hosting overnight or at naptime guests might chip in for a pack and play or they might get a carseat.  On the other end a bib or two might also be perfectly reasonable.

I do know some granma's who have had grandcholdren living with them because a parent was deployed, others who provided daily care while parents were working, etc.  I think knowing the role the grandparents might play in the lives of the child might explain the decision to have a shower.

It might explain why the grandparents want to buy themselves things to provide care. It is not a reason why they should expect others to provide those things for them.

The excuse for showers for parents is that they are, quite often, young people without a lot of resources. This is not a reason to provide (presumably) established older adults with free stuff.

Twik, who says grandparents expect anything?  Every time I have seen a grandparent shower it is because friends got together and wanted to give them something (and to have a party).

Well, when their friends say, "Let's have a shower," (and I hope it's the friends bringing it up), when the grandparents say "Sure!" they start to "expect something".

When they create a registry, they "expect something".

People who really don't expect something say, "Oh, I'd love to have a get-together, but please, not a shower. We don't need anything." If their friends still get them something anyway? Then they didn't expect it.

All of what you have written is an argument for why *all* showers are bad. Everything you have said in this post applies exactly the same to normal baby showers, wedding showers, etc.

So is the bride 'expecting something' when her MOH plans a bridal shower for her and she accepts? Is she 'expecting something' when she creates a registry for the wedding? If not, then how is it different? If she is, then I suppose 'expecting something' isn't necessarily bad, is it? Or all all showers and registries bad, always?

[Sharnita]

Yeah, that confuses me.

[kareng57]

I have been to grandma showers and don't mind them.  They are usually pretty small and mellow. Of course the ones I've attended have only had guests/honorees who all knew each other.  The price ranges of gifts tended to vary.  If grandma was going to be hosting overnight or at naptime guests might chip in for a pack and play or they might get a carseat.  On the other end a bib or two might also be perfectly reasonable.

I do know some granma's who have had grandcholdren living with them because a parent was deployed, others who provided daily care while parents were working, etc.  I think knowing the role the grandparents might play in the lives of the child might explain the decision to have a shower.

It might explain why the grandparents want to buy themselves things to provide care. It is not a reason why they should expect others to provide those things for them.

The excuse for showers for parents is that they are, quite often, young people without a lot of resources. This is not a reason to provide (presumably) established older adults with free stuff.

Twik, who says grandparents expect anything?  Every time I have seen a grandparent shower it is because friends got together and wanted to give them something (and to have a party).

Well, when their friends say, "Let's have a shower," (and I hope it's the friends bringing it up), when the grandparents say "Sure!" they start to "expect something".

When they create a registry, they "expect something".

People who really don't expect something say, "Oh, I'd love to have a get-together, but please, not a shower. We don't need anything." If their friends still get them something anyway? Then they didn't expect it.

All of what you have written is an argument for why *all* showers are bad. Everything you have said in this post applies exactly the same to normal baby showers, wedding showers, etc.

So is the bride 'expecting something' when her MOH plans a bridal shower for her and she accepts? Is she 'expecting something' when she creates a registry for the wedding? If not, then how is it different? If she is, then I suppose 'expecting something' isn't necessarily bad, is it? Or all all showers and registries bad, always?

Yes, this tends to get quite blurry.  When we were planning our wedding, I truly didn't want gifts, I just wanted people to come. 

But I had to get realistic - people attending (and those who couldn't but would have if they'd been able) would want to give appropriate gifts.  So, we registered.  While I am aware that registries are frowned-upon in some circles (meaning that the HC "expect gifts") I had to adopt the polite-fiction that the HC are pleasantly surprised that anyone would want to give gifts, but if they do, then here's where they're registered.  Etiquette-wise, it's true that weddings by themselves (as opposed to showers) are not truly considered to be gift-giving occasions, but there's no getting away from the fact that the vast majority of guests do give them.

For grandparents I think there's definitely a difference.  Becoming a grandparent is generally not considered to be a general gift-giving occasion - so, if they've registered, I think there's definitely a gift-expectation.

[Mammavan3]

As a PP has said, showers are appropriate for young people just starting out on a new phase of their life, the married state or parenthood. By the time people become grandparents, they are generally well able to provide anything they would like to have for the baby's use. Yes, some people are not so comfortably situated, but that's not the norm as it would be with younger people.

My friends are incredibly kind and thoughtful, to the point where they threw a "Mother-of-the-Bride" shower for me. It was just a fun luncheon, with gifts like jewelry to accent my dress - golf-ball sized dangly earrings and a huge light-up "diamond" ring - and, since I have a proclivity toward large purses, an enormous old bag, to which some sequins had been glued. But even they would have blinked at the idea of giving me gifts; instead, they did give DD some very nice presents. I did get a couple of things, a small photo album for my purse and some read-aloud books, and one friend passed on their pack and play, but we just assumed that it was our responsibility to buy a car seat, high chair, etc.

[Lynn2000]

I have been dying to tell you guys about this, and I think it plays into the discussion about showers in general and whether the GOH is "expecting" something. My friend Amy has a cousin, Ken, and Ken's wife Kate is expecting a baby. Amy really really really wants to throw Kate a baby shower, because Amy loves throwing baby showers.

Issue? This is Kate's FOURTH child. She was married before and has three teenagers.

All the reasons Amy talked about were the sort of thing that would make you cringe if it were Kate herself saying them:
--Kate's youngest child is 13, so she doesn't have much if any baby stuff around, and anyway it would be horribly out of date (like car seats).
--The new baby will be a boy, and Kate's only other boy is 18, so any "boy" stuff would be even older/less likely to be around.
--Ken and Kate can't afford to buy all the stuff they need for a baby themselves [this one really makes me mad... I don't know if it's true or not, but Amy has been telling me for a couple of years at least that Ken and Kate wanted to have a baby, so I would hope they've been saving up since then--and if they have, it's rather insulting of Amy to assume they haven't]
--The family members would be giving them presents for the new baby anyway, so they can just attend a shower and give them there.
--Kate's teenage daughters think a shower would be fun and were "devastated" when their mother initially told them she wouldn't be having one (before Amy had suggested it to her).
--It's Ken's first baby... Ken has social anxiety issues and no, he doesn't really care about the actual shower, but he would love to get free stuff for the baby.

I actually have never met Kate, but from what Amy has told me about her before, she seems very level-headed and not greedy. For example, when Ken and Kate got married Amy really wanted to throw them a wedding shower and Kate nixed the idea, so Amy basically threw them a surprise mini-shower at a family holiday gathering. (Amy was very pleased at herself for the sneak-attack shower, and put out that Kate didn't want a bigger one.) So I feel confident that Amy is the driving force behind this idea.

She told me Kate was hesitant to agree to the baby shower but finally said that if Amy really wanted to, she would go along with it. I think Amy is coming from a good place, and it's not about Kate being greedy at all--if anything she probably feels a little steamrolled. And Amy will probably press her into making a registry, because Amy loves registries.

So sometimes these things--grandparent showers, showers for child #4, etc.--get started because someone else really, genuinely wants to do it for the GOH, and they assume that everyone they invite really wants to do it, too. And maybe that's not a good assumption on the host's part, but I really can't blame the GOH in these cases--at a certain point it feels like rudeness to turn down someone who wants to do something nice for you, especially when it has a welcome-to-the-family vibe.

But I think every time it happens, and reaches out a little beyond the circle of people who are 100% okay with it, it starts to create expectations. Am I now worried that Amy is going to expect a shower for her second baby when it comes along? Yeah, I am, and that's going to be really awkward, because I'm 100% certain I'd be getting that baby presents anyway, but I really don't think it's right to have a gift-giving party for him/her. I wouldn't put it past her to start throwing #2+ baby showers for other friends and relatives, just because she enjoys it and thinks everyone ought to enjoy it. And then if you don't want to go along with it, you're not being a welcoming, generous person. That's where I fear these things heading--not only does the GOH start expecting new things, but even other guests/hosts do too, and if you don't want to participate you're a grinch.

[gramma dishes]

Actually I think it's kind of sweet that Amy wants to throw this couple a baby shower.  This is one of those rare cases where two facts conspire to make things maybe 'okay':

1.  The other children really are much, MUCH older and it is quite reasonable to assume that all of their baby things have long since been passed along to others.

2.  This may be Kate's fourth child, but it is her husband's first.  I think that matters.  His family might possibly like the opportunity to experience a baby shower too, and of course no one is obligated to attend. 

You're right though.  It does start things down that road of stickiness where if Amy gives a shower for this particular fourth child then will every mother she knows be expecting one for their second, third, fourth or fifth.

[Lynn2000]

Yeah, I admit I am a little sensitive/wary on this topic, because I picture myself someday being in Kate's shoes, fending off Amy's unwanted party advances and being called a stick in the mud or even rude for it. Not that Kate necessarily feels this way, I'm just projecting. Amy has said things like... her sister was "not allowed" to get married without Amy being present, for example. Another couple of friends went overseas for a private marriage ceremony, but Amy said that was "okay" because they were having a larger reception when they came back. She has said in the past that she thinks people are obligated to let those who care about them celebrate their achievements... even if the guest of honor really doesn't want a party. That kind of thing just rubs me the wrong way, because I'm one of those people who really doesn't want the party. Yet at the same time, it's the kind of "generosity" that is hard to turn down without feeling like you're being rude yourself--Amy is trying to do something nice for you, and you're saying no! How dare you.

So that's getting a bit far afield from the OP. Even if it wasn't a grandparent shower--somewhat dodgy in itself--to be invited when she doesn't know the GOH at all and isn't associated with them in any way feels gift-grabby, on the part of the host if not the GOH themselves. And she's perfectly fine to decline, and not send a gift or anything but her timely RSVP.

[gramma dishes]

^^^  Ah, I see!  In that case, I retract parts of my prior post, but only as it refers to Amy herself and her modus operandi. 

I still think that once in awhile under very unusual circumstances, second showers are (marginally at least) okay.

[Hmmmmm]

I thought about this thread the other day when a friend told me that her sister was being given a grandmother shower. She'd never heard of one and I've only heard of them through this forum.

In discussing with her, we figured out why we both felt they were off and it's because we don't understand the point of them.

-If the GM's friends want to give a baby gift to the expectant couple, then give a gift to them. We don't understand why the gift needs to go through the GM unless as a convienient way for the gift to get from the giver to the new parents.
-If the GM's friends want to give a party to celebrate their friend becoming a grandmother, then go out to lunch and celebrate, but becoming a grandmother has never been a traditional gift giving occasion.
-If the purpose is because everyone wants a chance to have a fun afternoon oohing and ahhing over baby clothes then host a shower in honor of the mother/couple and invite the GM's friends.


As far as the PP post about Amy and her desire to throw Kate a shower, it almost seems more self serving than altruistic.  Amy likes throwing showers and her DD's want to have one so she is almost strong arming the poor Mother to Be.

[EllenS]

My friends are incredibly kind and thoughtful, to the point where they threw a "Mother-of-the-Bride" shower for me. It was just a fun luncheon, with gifts like jewelry to accent my dress - golf-ball sized dangly earrings and a huge light-up "diamond" ring - and, since I have a proclivity toward large purses, an enormous old bag, to which some sequins had been glued. But even they would have blinked at the idea of giving me gifts; instead, they did give DD some very nice presents. I did get a couple of things, a small photo album for my purse and some read-aloud books, and one friend passed on their pack and play, but we just assumed that it was our responsibility to buy a car seat, high chair, etc.

See, that is the kind of thing I was thinking of - jokey things and photo albums, frames, favorite children's books and music - more like an initiation, rather than supplying a nursery.

[Sharnita]

Think books about Grandma, a onesie or two with funny or loving sayings about grandma, etc.  Maybe a toy or two so visits to Grandma's are a treat.