The Alternate Drop - aka Can I Demand the "Other" Meal?

[*inviteseller]

WillyNilly..I'm sorry if that came out like that.  I meant if you (general you) is used to buffets, or the RSVP meal choice, or waitstaff taking orders at the event, for others who are not used to it because they have never encountered it, and it seems different, and maybe to some, awkward because it is something that they have never done.  And I didn't mean my usual and accepted norm was the right way or only way, but I should have clarified my region when I made my post ( that's what I get for trying to multitask while posting ).  I tried to clarify it later and mucked it up..again, no offense meant.

[katycoo]

To address a general comment - if you have an allergy or some such extreme aversion, the time to tell the host would be at the time of RSVP or ticket purchase so they can take steps to accomodate you.  If you do not notify the venue, I don't see how you can justify being unhappy on the day.

I guess this raises other questions though - is one's partner expected to swap ALL his meals with you, if you request? For example, what if DF had gallantly swapped his appetiser and main course? Would I be rude and greedy for then asking him to swap dessert? Or would he be justified in refusing?

I think it depends on why you want to swap.  If for some reason, both the entree and main that my DH was served were seafood, I'd swap both as he doesn't eat seafood.  If the dessert was then cheesecake, which he also doesn't eat, I'd swap that too.  However if it was something he would eat, but not his preference, I'd probably tell him to suck it up.

[AppleBlossom]

I've been to several weddings where there were two or three choices and the waiters took the order at the table. They were all on the east coast of the U.S. Other weddings here have the choice card in the wedding invitation.

Alternate drop sounds precisely as appealing as a buffet at a wedding or "heavy hors d'oeuvres, too few chairs, go mingle." I don't want to get stuck with fish while the person next to me is eating steak. It would annoying me just as much as having to walk around with a plate of food while I'm dressed up.

[wolfie]

I guess this raises other questions though - is one's partner expected to swap ALL his meals with you, if you request? For example, what if DF had gallantly swapped his appetiser and main course? Would I be rude and greedy for then asking him to swap dessert? Or would he be justified in refusing?

I don't think your partner is obligated to swap anything with you. I don't like seafood. I would be upset if my partner insisted that I had to swap my chicken meal for his seafood meal because he doesn't like seafood either. Seems like in a situation like that noone wins.

[Jones]

Thank you for answering my allergy question. This whole concept is so foreign and fascinating to me!

So, when RSVP-ing  the guest or attendee has to inform the host or organizer about any particular allergies, vegetarianism, etc. Follow up question  How does the right guest get the right plate at the drop? Is there a namecard with symbol as mentioned in other circumstances in this thread?

[Hmmmmm]

Thank you for answering my allergy question. This whole concept is so foreign and fascinating to me!

So, when RSVP-ing  the guest or attendee has to inform the host or organizer about any particular allergies, vegetarianism, etc. Follow up question  How does the right guest get the right plate at the drop? Is there a namecard with symbol as mentioned in other circumstances in this thread?

What I've experienced is that once seated you mention to the waitstaff that you had a "vegetarian/kosher/no peanuts/glueten free or whatever meal" and the waitstaff knows where to get the special meals. 

[katycoo]

I guess this raises other questions though - is one's partner expected to swap ALL his meals with you, if you request? For example, what if DF had gallantly swapped his appetiser and main course? Would I be rude and greedy for then asking him to swap dessert? Or would he be justified in refusing?

I don't think your partner is obligated to swap anything with you. I don't like seafood. I would be upset if my partner insisted that I had to swap my chicken meal for his seafood meal because he doesn't like seafood either. Seems like in a situation like that noone wins.

Well, when both parties don't like the meal, you'd seek to swap outside your coupling.  How you handle it if one of you is stuck (can't swap it out) is between you and your partner.
I like to think I'd eat the sides and my DH would split the protein with me.

[LazyDaisy]

Thank you for answering my allergy question. This whole concept is so foreign and fascinating to me!

So, when RSVP-ing  the guest or attendee has to inform the host or organizer about any particular allergies, vegetarianism, etc. Follow up question  How does the right guest get the right plate at the drop? Is there a namecard with symbol as mentioned in other circumstances in this thread?

The way I've seen it handled is that as the dinner is served the vegetarian (for example) simple informs the server they needed vegetarian; or the glutton free says there should be a glutton free meal. But lots of formal dinners have assigned seating so it could also be that the organizers know where the special meals will be seated in advance. I can even imagine putting all of serious food allergies (like shellfish) to one table where they won't risk cross contamination.

[Venus193]

Thank you for answering my allergy question. This whole concept is so foreign and fascinating to me!

So, when RSVP-ing  the guest or attendee has to inform the host or organizer about any particular allergies, vegetarianism, etc. Follow up question  How does the right guest get the right plate at the drop? Is there a namecard with symbol as mentioned in other circumstances in this thread?

The way I've seen it handled is that as the dinner is served the vegetarian (for example) simple informs the server they needed vegetarian; or the glutton free says there should be a glutton free meal. But lots of formal dinners have assigned seating so it could also be that the organizers know where the special meals will be seated in advance. I can even imagine putting all of serious food allergies (like shellfish) to one table where they won't risk cross contamination.

I think you mean "gluten" although most of us would prefer the entire environment to be glutton-free.

[blarg314]

Interesting.

My experience with food restrictions is that if the hosts ask, you can tell them. If the hosts don't ask, you eat ahead of time/stick something in your purse and eat what you can from the meal or go hungry.

If the hosts don't ask, you don't phone them up and say "I'm coming to your wedding. By the way, I need a gluten free vegetarian meal, and my husband gags at the taste of fish" (or scribble the same in  your RSVP) because it puts pressure on the hosts to accommodate all such requests, whether or not it's feasible or affordable.

As an aside, it occurs to me that the alternate drop is particularly unfair to people attending the event alone.  If I can't eat my dish, my spouse would swap with me even if they preferred the one they had.  If one dish is better than the other, we can always share both dishes and even it out.  But if I'm alone and I get the inferior dish, I'm probably stuck with it.

[katycoo]

Interesting.

My experience with food restrictions is that if the hosts ask, you can tell them. If the hosts don't ask, you eat ahead of time/stick something in your purse and eat what you can from the meal or go hungry.

If the hosts don't ask, you don't phone them up and say "I'm coming to your wedding. By the way, I need a gluten free vegetarian meal, and my husband gags at the taste of fish" (or scribble the same in  your RSVP) because it puts pressure on the hosts to accommodate all such requests, whether or not it's feasible or affordable.

As an aside, it occurs to me that the alternate drop is particularly unfair to people attending the event alone.  If I can't eat my dish, my spouse would swap with me even if they preferred the one they had.  If one dish is better than the other, we can always share both dishes and even it out.  But if I'm alone and I get the inferior dish, I'm probably stuck with it.

No, you would say "We're so pleased to be able to attend your wedding.  Is there any way a vegetarian meal could be provided for me, or should I make other preparations?" or "My husband is allergic to seafood, will there be a meal suitable for him?"  You wouldn't do this for food preferences any more than you would at any other event where a meal is provided.

And in practice, swapping is not restricted to couples.  My DH once sat along at a wedding as I was in the bridal party.  He knew NOONE at the table and he wasn't stuck with the fish option.  Someone swapped with him.

[kareng57]

Interesting.

My experience with food restrictions is that if the hosts ask, you can tell them. If the hosts don't ask, you eat ahead of time/stick something in your purse and eat what you can from the meal or go hungry.

If the hosts don't ask, you don't phone them up and say "I'm coming to your wedding. By the way, I need a gluten free vegetarian meal, and my husband gags at the taste of fish" (or scribble the same in  your RSVP) because it puts pressure on the hosts to accommodate all such requests, whether or not it's feasible or affordable.

As an aside, it occurs to me that the alternate drop is particularly unfair to people attending the event alone.  If I can't eat my dish, my spouse would swap with me even if they preferred the one they had.  If one dish is better than the other, we can always share both dishes and even it out.  But if I'm alone and I get the inferior dish, I'm probably stuck with it.

Re special diets - I think what I would do would be to contact the venue myself, explain that I'd been invited to an event there but would not be able to eat the specified entrees, and ask if they could accommodate me; I would need to know before I responded yes or no.  If yes, great, but I'd still specify something such as "would prefer vegetarian" on the RSVP (plus, I'd likely contact the host personally by phone or email).  If the answer is no, then I would just reply no without an explanation.  There's no point in making the hosts uncomfortable about a situation they can't change.

[Hmmmmm]

Interesting.

My experience with food restrictions is that if the hosts ask, you can tell them. If the hosts don't ask, you eat ahead of time/stick something in your purse and eat what you can from the meal or go hungry.

If the hosts don't ask, you don't phone them up and say "I'm coming to your wedding. By the way, I need a gluten free vegetarian meal, and my husband gags at the taste of fish" (or scribble the same in  your RSVP) because it puts pressure on the hosts to accommodate all such requests, whether or not it's feasible or affordable.

As an aside, it occurs to me that the alternate drop is particularly unfair to people attending the event alone.  If I can't eat my dish, my spouse would swap with me even if they preferred the one they had.  If one dish is better than the other, we can always share both dishes and even it out.  But if I'm alone and I get the inferior dish, I'm probably stuck with it.

I agree on the specialty menu requests.

On the single diner issue...I think the practice is so common where it is practiced that the guests at the table actually make a little game out of the swapping part with all seated at the same table.

While I lived there I found Australians extremely welcoming and friendly. I attended 5 or so banquets while there and I found that by the time the mains were served, I had 5 or 6 new friends with two or three asking if I were happy with my dropped plate or would like to swap. I think everyone was very focused on making sure their other dining companions were happy and not so much on making sure they got to keep the "better" meal.

But I have attended similar functions in the US where it seemed people didn't even want to greet others at the table let alone discuss swapping a plate.

I also learned to be cautious on how many people I bought a round for because it was expected that I would allow them to buy me a drink too.

[Twik]

I think we had a long and bitter debate about this last time it came up. It may be a regional preference, but it seems to create a lot of hassle and bad feelings among those who get the "bad" choice.

[LazyDaisy]

Thank you for answering my allergy question. This whole concept is so foreign and fascinating to me!

So, when RSVP-ing  the guest or attendee has to inform the host or organizer about any particular allergies, vegetarianism, etc. Follow up question  How does the right guest get the right plate at the drop? Is there a namecard with symbol as mentioned in other circumstances in this thread?

The way I've seen it handled is that as the dinner is served the vegetarian (for example) simply informs the server they needed vegetarian; or the glutton free says there should be a glutton free meal. But lots of formal dinners have assigned seating so it could also be that the organizers know where the special meals will be seated in advance. I can even imagine putting all of serious food allergies (like shellfish) to one table where they won't risk cross contamination.

I think you mean "gluten" although most of us would prefer the entire environment to be glutton-free.

lol. Yes, I mean "gluten" and "simply." I'm going to be giggling at my slip all day now. I ran spell check but not brain check 

eta: when I've attended hosted dinners, they have definitely not been glutton-free ever